I I have changed my name

[Iamworththetime]

It is no longer Dustin R

[Trip]

Thanks for posting.

[Iamworththetime]

Thanks Trip. A lot has happened today, I had a meeting with my attorney and we went over some financial stuff, he advised me that I needed to move out because our current living arrangement isn't good for us so I will be looking for an apartment next week, I will for the time being go and stay with my brother.

He filed a response to my Ws petition for divorce basically denying everything and will ask for a mediation hearing with the hopes of reconcilliation which I know my W will deny also he asked me if I would be willing to pay for a private IC for her and I said yes.. I told him that I do not want the house and that she can have it because my kids don't deserve to be uprooted from the only home they have known and she will have primary custody. I hope and pray that she will be able to afford the housepayment after she refinances it because right now it is $2000 a month and her income is only 60,000 a year. My attorney and I agreed that right now she is thining with her emotions instead of her mind, I told him again that I do not want to hurt her and I do not want this to get nasty and he agreed.

Had a great conversation with mY w after she had called me to tell me about taking my daughters to get there shots for immunization records, seems my oldest was upset because she WASN'T getting a shot. She put my oldest on the phone and she was crying, I thought she was afraid of getting the shot so I told her to be brave and that it would be over before she knw it, I didn't understand that she WANTED it,lol. My W got back on the phone and told me that no, she wanted it and we both laughed and I said "is she crazy?" My W laughed and said yeah, I guess so.

I have decided that the best course of actions is to let my W go, she needs time and space to heal and I love her and trust her to make the right decisions for herself. Anyway, this is what is going on, she is very upset with me at the moment for talking to my in-laws, even though I told her I was going to, I mean, I have to have a cordial relationship with them because of my kids, she thinks I am trying to turn them against her which I most certainly am not.

[FA]

Been there done that too....lost cause on the in-laws

[Iamworththetime]

The thing is, my in-laws keep my kids a lot because they are both retired and I work shift and my wife takes call on nights and works weekends sometimes, I had to talk to them, and I did not villianize my W and I did own up to my part in all of this.

[indybyathread]

I think the in-laws can be a great source of comfort when dealing with this kind of thing, especially if there is any MLC situation involved. They are hurting too. I know in my sitch that they get almost nothing from my H. I am the only one giving them any idea of what is going on and they are the only people who I can talk to about H that don't think I am crazy for doing the DB thing. They love both of us and understand why I am willing to go through all of this instead of kicking him to the curb. It feels a bit conspiritorial sometimes but we all want him to be happy. We also all want what is best for our kids. I say it is fine to stay connected with them, so long as you are not using them to try to control your W.

[Iamworththetime]

They want to talk to her because basically she has been treating them like sh*t the past couple of months.

[indybyathread]

Remember that they will always (should anyway) choose their child's happiness first and, forced to choose sides, will naturally pick hers. But, let them know that you will always consider them family and that you will never prevent them from spending time with their grandkids. I have a feeling you will get a lot more support from them than you might expect if they feel like they can talk to you, that you are being fair and reasonable.

[Iamworththetime]

But, let them know that you will always consider them family and that you will never prevent them from spending time with their grandkids. I have a feeling you will get a lot more support from them than you might expect if they feel like they can talk to you, that you are being fair and reasonable.

I have already done this.

This morning when I went home my W was still there, I was hoping she would be gone, but I went in and tapped her on her leg and asked her if she was going to work and she replied that no, she wasn't.

I went upstairs and went to sleep, about 2 hours later she came up and woke me up, I could tell that she was still upset over the last nights events, but I had already made a decision and decided that I needed to tell her. I asked her if we could talk and she was still looking upset but she sat down and asked me in a not so nice tone "what?". I then looked at her and told her that I knew she was upset with me for talking to her parents and that I was sorry for that because that wasn't my intent, and that I did not say anything bad about her to her parents and never will, but that her mom told me that she was about to call me anyway so I would have been talking to them regardless, I told her again the 95% of what we talked about was regarding the children and my relationship with her parents. She was still upset, but what I said next took all of the fight out of her.

I agonized over the conversation that we had last night, but one thing that she said to me last night that made me come to my decision was " Why can't you just let me go" she was crying when she said this and after thinking about it all night I realized that if I ever hope to reconcile with my wife sometime in the future that I needed to do just that, let her go. I knwo that I cannot force her to reconcile with me by stalling the D and asking my lawyer to ask for MC for us. I feel that by doing that all I'm doing is pushing her further away from me.

While still sitting up stairs and after telling me about my convo with her parents I said "there is one more thing I want to let you know" again she said in a terse way "what?" I looked in her eyes and I admit it was hard to say and I paused for about what seemed like 10 minutes but in reality was only 10 seconds, and she kept asking me "what is it?" I loooked at her again and said " I love you and want what will make you happy, I trust you to make the right decisions for yourself and our children, and if that means letting you go, then...okay". She looked at me like she was stunned and I saw her visibily relax and I told her that Sunday when I brought our youngest hoome that I was going to stay with my brother and look for an apt. She seemed upset that I was moving out, she actualy asked me whay I was moving out, and I said " It has been hard for me to come home lately and I feel that this arrangement isn't healthy for either one of us and I feel that it is for the best" I told her that I am going to look for a nice apt because I want a safe place for the kids to be when I have them and I will want her to be okay with where I live. After all of that our conversation was very civil.

I believe that by doing this "detaching with love" that it will in time allow her to heal and perhaps may even let her love for me begin to bloom again, After what I told her she seemed more relaxed then I have seen her in quite awhile. I have asked God to guide both of us through this and believe that he has a plan for her and I, be it reconciliation or just being able to remain friends. I love her and feel that this is the best way for me to show I love her without needing to hear it in return at this point.

Later in the day she called me and told me what she had done for the day, like getting us sepreste cell phone accounts, setting up the bank account, what we did here was I told her that I will be settin gup my own account, but that the majority of my check will be still deposited in to ourt joint account and that what I had going inot our savings will be redirected to my personal account and I requested that she do the same so that we can continue to pay bills together until the D is final and then we can redivert the ohter monies in to a seperate accounts, she set hers up today and I will tomorrow. I feel a peace that I haven't felt since this whole ordeal started. We will discuss property division in the follow week.

[Iamworththetime]

Sorry for all of the typos.