A sure fire way to kill your marriage, is to avoid doing things because your husband "might" react a certain way. Becuase you can always think up some reaction from him that would be negative.. so you can provide yourself with an excuse not to do ANYTHING, if you allow yourself to keep thinking that way.
Excellent point, Dom! I need to place that one in my DB records.
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If he loves you, and wants to work on your marriage.. he WANTS to do things for you. Telling him what he can do for you, and giving him a chance to do it, will make him very happy.
Again, great stuff, Dom! H is likely feeling pretty helpless and powerless right now. If you give him something to work with, both of you will be less likely to be walking around on eggshells. I'm sure the idea of discussing these things with H is tough, but it might lessen the tension that I'm guessing permeates the air in the house. What are your feelings about this?
And, again sandi, I'm sorry about my posts to BK on your thread. I should just be big enough to walk away and ignore him like everyone else. I'd just had enough and needed to get it off my chest. I promise I'll ignore him and turn the other cheek from here on out and let your thread exist in peace. Once again, my sincerest apologies!
Hi, thanks for your advice. I did make a move in the right direction this morning. When I started to leave for work, I hugged his neck and just stood there and lingered a moment to let him know that it was a sincere move and not one that was forced. You are right in what you say. It is so sad at how distant a couple can become by not talking....not being intimate...not spending time together. It all adds up. My problems....as I used to tell him time aftr time...was when we went so long without being intimate, then it was hard for me. I don't know why...just the way I am. However, when we would have sex on a regular basis...it wasn't much of a problem for me. The thing was....it never seem to be on a regular basis, so then H would think I was acting cold toward him, etc. So, after years of that going on....it finally just fizzled out completely.
Anyway, thanks for the advice. My goal for the weekend is to finish reading DR. I have spent every night on the computer just reading posts here on this board and other information I could find on the internet. But, got side-tracked from the book and got to get back and finish it. In fact, I have spent so much time on here reading posts until it has left little time for H. Guess that is defeating the purpose!! But, I needed the space from him and the time to try to re-group and get my head on straight. He has been very understanding about it. But, now it is time for me to start spending more time in doing the things I use to do before OM came along and my world turned inside out.
Last edited by sandi2; 07/20/0708:07 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Gone Dancin, it does not matter how many ands, ors, thues, howevers, and comas I use it still won't take away from the fact that you are a prick and a sorry ass. Usually when some attempts to argue their point by pointing out someone's grammar they are in the wrong. Besides, didn't your first grade teacher teach you that the major purpose of languange is to communicate and get your point across. Sorry if all my periods upset you.
Brandon bud ease up........ we are here to help each other through hard times. Name calling is not the way. I come here for support and advice, and at times to vent. So please bud, I know you are a religous guy, you know better. I hope that things go well for you in your situation.
I have been reading some of your other postings and wanted to share this with you...
I told you before that I spent time in game rooms and made some nice "friends" there...nothing sexual at the time was going and things in my marriage seemed good...but I did observe others becoming involved to the point of wanting to MEET THE OP...one woman about my age was prepared to fly to Vegas to meet the OM...all us knew it was the wrong thing to do...so we devised a plan to PROVE to her that he wasn't what he said...one other woman took to playing with him when she wasn't around...it didn't take long for him to start being suggestive to her...when she inquired about his "other friend" whom he was going to meet in Vegas his comment was something like "Yeah, she is a nice lady and I am sure I will have a good time."...This lady, like you was prepared to leave her family for this man who really had NO intention of really staying with her for all eternity...as he had told her...this other lady kept him online for a time, getting him to say things in IM that she could save in a file because we were not believed by this other "blinded in love" woman...when she read what we had been telling her about this "nice guy...her white knight in shining armor who was going to sweep her off of her feet and solve all her problems" she of course was hurt...
So the end of this experience???...well it took time, eventually she was able to make ammends with her H, and in time she was able to realize that she could have feelings for her H again...last I heard from her she was happy and things were going well for them as a couple...
The feelings you have for the OM are VERY REAL...the problem is that he probably isn't as REAL as you THINK he is...you feelings are based on the fanatasy you have built up about him...an abused woman can build up feelings about her Abuser Husband to make him out not to be a bad guy...even defending his actions...but it is EASY for all on the outside to see the TRUTH...
Sandi...just remember the truth...the truth is you are married...you husband and your family do love you...and in time you can regain that love...
I also read in a posting that your H doesn't feel he needs to make much change...that he has done all he should/could...and he may REALLY feel this way based upon your actions in the marriage over the past many years...what you have to remember is you can't MAKE someone change...BUT...with YOUR changes WILL come changes in H...it is like dominoes...once one starts to fall the others follow...and the momentum picks up...
I know this to be fact because even though I was the LBS...my H felt like yours...that I was the one that needed to change...that despite his leaving me and having an affair that he had put his all in to our marriage...he felt totally justified in his not loving me anymore...this was very hard for me because even though I didn't leave and for the most part "felt" happy...I realized after his leaving that I wasn't as happy as I thought and that my health was suffering from the stress as much as he stated his was...BUT...I also acknowledged that I did need to make changes regardless of what H did...and I was almost positive that he would continue in his self-rightious feelings he had...so I continued in my "own journey"...not judging his...not worrying about whether he would or wouldn't change for me...it became about me being HAPPY WITH MYSELF!...and guess what?!?!...in time ( a long time) H did see where he needed to make changes...it got easier for us to talk things over with each other...and I can honestly say now that H has come a long way...BUT I led that way...my changes created change in all those around me...
So Sandi...you say you feel weak and that you always thought of yourself as a strong person...YOU can be that strong person again...YOU can create change in yourself and find YOUR happiness...and along the way you just might find that your H can make changes (to keep up with the "new and improved" W of his"...and that in time (a long time) the two of you will have a new relationship...not based on resentment, anger, feelings of deprivation...but one where there is true love...YOU have the ability to LOVE and YOU CAN CULTIVATE THAT LOVE...you have the strength within you...just like the ant...you can move a mountain if you believe you can...and you work toward it!
So...Sandi...take care...vent here....post here...work through your journey here...you will find the support you need...
As usual, you came to my rescue....and just in time. I need to be told over and over how the OM is NOT my knight in shining armor. I know I have him painted to be like that in my mind! I think the one thing that has saved me the most from not breaking down and contacting him was the way he seem to "release" me so easily. At first, I thought he sure was being sweet about it and not pressuring me. But, the longer I thought about it the more I realized that if he really loved me as much as he said, he would have tried to "fight" for me just a little bit, wouldn't he? At first, I thought he was just being noble because he always told me to put my M and family before him...that he came last. But, he was working on us getting together in a few months (at that point in time) to have a PA. Then when I said that I was going to have to back away, he said ok and understood....you know...real sweet like. Then after you message about it wasn't a "real good-bye" that I gave him, I sent another one back and told him that I could never have a PA while I was married. That return letter was even shorter. He just said I was a sweet lady and that he would like to hear how I was doing if I ever got to the point I wanted to talk to him again. (I know...another door left opened!) But anyway, I have thought about it and tried to see it through eyes of reality. Although when I am weak......lordy, I make myself sick. I never chased after a man (or even a boy when I was a teenager)! So, why would I ever consider contacting a man that let me go that easily? Then my mind kicks in and tells me that he is just waiting for me to "call the shots"...that is what he use to tell me. Hummmm, I wonder how many more he has told that to? Also, he has been divorced many years, and although he says he is "just picky" about who he gets involved with....I can't help but wonder if he spends every evening at home on-line with other women. I guess I am venting here as much as anything. Reminding myself what reality is and what fantasy is. He sure looked good in that shiny suit I put him in. He said he would come take me away from all this when I wanted him to.....things like that sound good to a woman when she is in so much pain and unhappiness. But, you know what I thought about today? This is so sad, but it is the truth if I ever told it. If it had not been for his "money" (if he does have any)....he would not have looked near as good to me. But that was part of the package decoration! He represented a sort of "power" where he had the ability to "get things done" and told me he could. When you don't know if the electricity is going to be cut off from month to month...that looks very tempting! Plus, don't forget about the ego food he gave me everytime we talked! But, if my husband had the finances to put us on an easier street right now...he would probably look more appealing also. I know that is a shallow thing to say and I have read on hear some heatbreaking stories where marriages feel apart and they had plenty of money. But, that has always been a fragile place for us. The feeling of financial security is important when we get older and I sure don't have it now. So, I am mostly reminding myself of the truth here. But please keep telling me of other people's experiences of internet-romances. I need to hear about them. It gives me strength to make stronger resolve to stay away from the OM. Even night I can get through without communicating with him is a victory. I get stronger, but then I have to fight the next day's tempations. I'll get there, I know....just want it to hurry up.
May I make another confession? This is something I don't understand about myself and maybe other women can comment on this too. I have been told that I am attractive, that I don't look like a 60 year-old, etc. That is nice to hear. Now, when this OM who was a little younger than me showed interest...it fed my ego big time. Then, I started using more make-up, fixing my hair a different color.....you know, really getting "dolled up". I was going through this long routine every night with skin potions, etc. to "look younger". Well I was told that it was working! I have also lost about 20 pounds. Now, this is the thing....the minute I resolve to stay in the M and not have a PA and contact the OM and tell him it's all over....do I KEEP ON...KEEPING ON with the hair, clothes, make-up routine? I completely lost the desire to try to look younger or attractive. Why do I not want the same thing for my H as I was trying for the OM? Is it because I take my H for granted? Is it because I don't care? Both? Was it part of the MLC? I think it is for women...to answer my own questions here. I think women in MLC and those especially needing male admiration is going to make these noticable changes in herself. But it makes me so sad to think I won't work at it for my H when I worked like crazy for the OM to be attractive. Something is very wrong with me.
Taling about MLC....I have read about the 2-5 year streach...or longer. Scares me to death! I can't take it that long. I want out now...if that is truly my problem. My mother laughs when I refer to MLC cause I am 60 and she asks if I'm live to 120. I tell her I'm just a late bloomer. I don't know....maybe it's not that at all....I just don't know what is going on with me and I'm trying to find answeres. Anyway, back to the "streach" of time it takes. I thought back to when my biggest problem began and it was almost 2 years ago this fall. Can't remember the month that I met a younger man on line, playing a game. It was not an EA at all....or at least I never saw it as anything sexual. He even had a girlfriend and knew I was married. But he teased and joked, etc. Well, I couldn't wait to get home to get on the computer to chat with him. I know in the beginning, he felt that way too. It was obvious. But, as time went alone, it became noticable the age difference and it bothered me. He also kept warning me not to fall in love with him. It would offend me and I would assure him that was not what was happening, but he said it sure sounded like I was. Anway, he had a terrible heartbreak when he discovered his GF lied to him and that she was really married. So, he did not want to have anything to do with married women. It's a long story, but I discovered, and was shocked to realize that in a way...I was having an EA affair with him. He had been giving me some type of support every evening that I had not found with my H. Even though it was not sexual, it was kind-of...in a way...the teasing,etc. was that way...so yes..somewhat it was. But, I had the self-respect to be the one the second time around to call things to a halt and deleted him...telling him I was through. So see, I use to be able to do that. But, I think that is when it started for me. Does that mean....God, I hope.....that I might possibly be half way through this thing? I want to be more than half-way through....much more than half-way.
That following next summer is when my daughter and her son moved in with us and then I discovered...or rather...went onto an adult site and met the OM in November. So, it has been all these months that I have been in this shape. Compared to a lot on here, that has not been long, but it has been so horrible for all of my family. If my H had not discovered what I was doing, I probably still be communicating and flirting with other men. It was a sexual thrill for them to see me and act shocked to discover I was actually 60 years old. And, then for them to tell me how beautiful I was, etc. Lord, I can't believe I actually bought all that crap. Oh, and it was always younger men....I never wanted anyone my own age! How disgusting is that?
In my "fog", I completely forgot about how anyone can look at the history on the website and see where all you have been looking. So, my H, D, and GS was able to see the sorted places I visited and also read my IM text to OM. You don't want to ever experience that feeling. You just want to die! I have been an example for my family for all these years and I tore it down the first time they found that first message I had sent. My children had sit under my teaching at church and now to find out this about me was almost more than I could stand. So, if anyone reads this and is thinking about flirting with OM on line....let me tell you that it is not worth it. To lose something that took a lifetime to earn...it is not worth it! What can they think now except that I am a "fake" about everything I taught in church. All the other years went flooding out of their minds....only what they saw on the internet is what was branded on their memory.
I've tried to bring it up ....gently....to my D, but I can tell she does not want to talk about it or even think about it. So, I have backed away and hope the Lord can heal her and help her forgive me.
Well, Lin, this was a very long one, sweetie. Again, guess it was for my own sake more than anything. But, you are so dear to help encourage me. I need a lot of it. Someday, when my story is a success, I hope I can help only half as many as you have. God bless.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Don't worry too much about what this "event" has done to your family...yes, it shook them to the core...I won't lie about that...but just as you lost their respect and trust...you can regain...it just takes time...
I have no doubt that the OM is well busy with other ladies...I know I observed many a man behaving like this with several women...some would confide in me how it excited them...and sometimes they would even tell me how they would lie about how they thought the woman looked or how young she appeared (not suggesting that you don't look younger and good)...really to me these men are like dogs...they will lust after ANYTHING...
The OM also used some great tactics to real you in...like "telling" you to put your marriage and family first...that he took last place...hmmmmm, think about that one for a bit...
Also, I too believe that if he felt it was real love that he had and he was ready to rescue you from your woes and be your knight in shining armor he would not have let you go without at least a little pursuasion to stay in touch with him...to keep talking...to make sure...something more then "let me know how your doing"
I really really believe that he was letting you "call the shots" for 1)so it might not happen 2)if it didn't work HE would not be to blame 3)he could always say you were the one that brought this on yourself not him....and a host of other excuses...
Also about your dolling yourself up...that is the in-love feeling making you WANT to do all you can...and now with your H it is partly that you don't care...partly that you have nothing to win (you know he is there)...and partly that you are still dealing with the withdrawl of the OM...
Might I also comment...you have now said "good bye"...that you would not have a PA while married...stop feeding the EA now...I have a gut feeling that these "good byes" are hoping he will respond with "Please Sandi...don't leave me...we can make this work"...let it die now...you have had your say...maybe not as strong and as forceful as you might want later...but trust me...let it die...and IF OM should ever contact you and want to know how you are...DON'T reply...I will tell you from experience to that even years later I have been contacted by someone online "just thinking of you"...what that really means is "I have run out of fresh drug and am falling back on an old one till a new one comes up"
You were right too in surmising that this OM was sitting at home online with others...more that then he is very picky...picky men don't wander online adult sights...desperate men do!
Keep trying to talk to your daughter...in small ways...express your regrets...tell her your sorry for doing such a thing...in time she will accept you are genuine...it took my daughter over 2 years to really forgive her dad...she is now enjoying a renewed relationship with him...it has been a long time coming...and she did listen to every word he said...and she watched his every move...he accepted it...
Thanks Lin. I always want to hear from you because I need your encouragement and advice. I appreciate your "straight talk"...that is what I need to hear. I agree with everything you said. I am trying this weekend to make baby steps. My H worked today...yea! However, when he got home, it was kind of late and anyway, I sat in the front room to watch tv for a while. He sat there a few minutes and then he got on the computer. When I am not on the computer, it seems like he is. But anyway, he must be either trusting me again or just trying me to see if I am going to backslide. By that I mean he is not "checking me out" on the computer like he use to do. He leaves me at the computer a long time instead of coming in every few minutes to see what I'm doing. I had the entire day that I could have contacted anyone I wanted to or went into any adult place I wanted to....nobody was around. But, I didn't! I feel like that is a victory in itself. I did gain a little ground today, even if I didn't spend the time with H that I thought I would. Tomorrow is another opportunity to do that.
I have been reading a lot about on-line affairs and the addiction to that. I seem to fit the bill. It happened so slick and so easily......before I seem to realize what was happening.
Well, thanks again, sweetie. Love hearing from you. You have a good weekend also.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
