Moving Forward,......taking baby steps.

[~Sol]

I have a question about going dark.

I haven't done that and I am reading up on it.

Has anyone here gone completely dark before? My W still calls and invites me out, but she complains that I am not doing a thing in contributing to "winning her back."

I don't want to "win" her back.....she's a mess! I want for her to work on HER issues as I am working on MINE.

But I need some help. I am all ears.

[whatisis]

Sol, why go dark? What would be the purpose? If she's contacting you and reaching out, why the "go dark" stuff on your part? She ain't gonna be perfect for a long time (who am I kidding, ever) but you don't have to accept every invitation, you can be mysterious and probably the fact that she thinks you're not trying to win her back is a good thing. Don't respond to everything that comes out of her mouth, set a plan and stick to it. Again, she's the one reaching out and worrying about your lack of response. I say that's good! Stick to what's working. Often people on the BB want to go dark to punish or get back at the spouse which is bad, bad, bad! I'm not saying that is you, but think through why you would want to use this tactic, what would it do for your sitch?

[~Sol]

I guess I can just keep with the best plan in my current sitch - Getting A Life. It's what I've been doing for the most part, but I haven't really committed to GAL yet.

Someone told me that I should go dark, to "firmly" stand my ground. But I thought about going dark to simply be more mysterious, just to keep her guessing if she made the right choice....not sure if that is the best of tactics - but what I see is that she is trying, for whatever reason. I don't really get her, and I don't need to concern myself with that. I just want to be in a better place - which is a good goal I think.

I have my 3rd IC session next week, and my first meeting with a psychiatrist the following week that will get me on some AD's.

[~Sol]

My W just came by this morning, to pick up my daughter and she waited on the sofa. I told her I was going to take a quick shower.

When I came out, she was gone. I didn't get a chance to say "bye" to my daughter. How nice of her.

Then I called her and I let her know what she did and that it wasn't proper for her to do that. SHe said she was tired and hungry, blah blah, but I reminded her that I want to say "bye" to my daughter whenever she leaves the house......I let my daughter say "bye" to my W when I pick up my daughter, why can't she? - Oh, maybe because she thinks she is controlling the sitch and she can do whatever she wants?

Well, I am trying to set some hard boundaries here. Like, if I am in the shower, and she isn't here yet, she won't get in because the locks are going to be changed. She can't just come into the house on her own now, can she?

In order for this never to happen again, I need to set boundaries with her and I need to change those locks. I haven't done so out of pure courtesy, but this is one of those things that would piss off any sane parent raising a child.

I am trying to be firm from now on. If I had my own apartment, she wouldn't be able to get in without my consent. Same principle in my house then, right?

[~Sol]

My W did apologize for what happened this morning.

I later called her and I told her I have Friday and Monday off (forced vacation days - use them or lose them sitch)....and she asked what I wanted to do. I told her we can spend time together with our daughter and go see a movie or do something fun. I just want to be sure I get time with my daughter, but also don't want to give W the wrong impression that I am avoiding her.

I really don't know what she is going through, or why she even bothers making an "effort" to be nice. I guess if we end up splitting up then its best to remain civil and friendly and share our duaghter.

I have no set plans for Friday, but I am just going to wing it. The movies sound like a nice idea....I'm sure my daughter will get to pick it.

[~Sol]

OK, my hopes are getting up again.

My w is starting to fall at the seams, or so it seems. I am not concerned at this point. She chose to live the way she is living.....and NOT acting married.

I, on the other hand, am realizing that things are going better for me, despite the separation. I am cooking again, and realizing that I am able to pay the bills and have some left over. I need to keep doing what I'm doing.

I also realized that I am "living on the fun side of the island". If me and my crazy W were stuck in Madagascar, I would do what Marty the zebra did......make it better for me while she complains and moans about how "bad" she has it.

Oh, and you don't swallow the salt water......

[sofaraway]

Don't fall in Sol, keep your guard up buddy.

She is not to be trusted..... and you know it

Ian

[~Sol]

I obviously don't trust her while she is living like she's totally independent from me.....which she is, but she's still M to me.

I didn't trust her when she was at the house, I sure as hell don't trust her now. She could be doing anything she wants at her place - or nothing at all. It doesn't really matter, does it?

But I am feeling good about ME. Even my friends are saying I need to take care of me now - because that is all I can do.

She's not happy - I can tell. She can't even afford her first cable TV bill. She truly is on the pessimist side of the island.

[whatisis]

Yup, let her squirm for awhile, DO NOT rescue. We guys just love to jump in and rescue but don't do it! Let her live the life for now.

[~Sol]

Oh, I was tempted to help her with some money for missing out on a day of work last Sunday to be with me at a friend's house. Then I changed my mind - she needs to learn and experience what it's like to live independent of me. She chose to go, when she knew she needed to sleep that day and work that night. She missed out on work, now she is working on her night off to make up for it.

Her choices. I told myself that I am not going to give her a penny while she lives her own life apart and is realizing the reality of the true cost of living by yourself. I am trying to pay all the bills here at home, I don't need to help her pay hers.

I'm a sucker for helping people, and she complains that I don't like to do anything and I'm a boring person? I think she knows my capacity to care - she just hates it when she can't have her way - like me not agreeing on her plans to make OM my brother-in-law with her younger sis. She'll still lash out at me when she sees me making a change.....like buying groceries for myself and actually cooking real food - she hates that I am able to cook now, and brings up something negative from the past.

I am just looking at her thinking.....it must be really miserable being on that side of the island.

Oh, I am taking my daughter someplace fun this weekend, probably on Sat evening. I still want to make an all day trip to the Aquarium with her and look at the sharks and other exotic creatures. It's a blast hanging out with an 8 year old and doing the things kids love to do!