How you doing girl? Guess you probably can see what I told AmyC. You know that you were as helpful to me as she was....all you good people out there that responded have been a blessing to me. I am not cured in just one week...I know that. However, I never would have thought that I could feel this differently after a week, either. I contacted the OM today to tell him good-bye. After reading what happened to AmyC and the OM stalking her, etc., it really scared me. So, I figured out a way of breaking it off gently without, hopefully, making him too mad. At least, he didn't seem to be that upset. Probably because he has so many other women he is juggling at the same time...lol. Not really a laughing matter, but at least I'm not crying now.
Oh, thank God, it never got to the physical part. It came so close! We were going to meet in just a few weeks and I was buying outfits that I was planning to wear when I saw him, etc. How scary is that?
All of you that gave me support and especially the "straight talk" I needed....I appreciate you so much. Now tell me where to go next on this board...lol. Do I stay where I am or how do I start another "thread"...not even sure what that is.
Well, going to go read some more of DR. You all keep those posts coming.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Great news from you Sandi. AmyC has been a God send for many of us, I'll have to catch up with what is going on with her, but even if she isn't around her 8700+ previous posts will be here as a valuable reference for us and others.
I am glad to hear that you have made the cut...I would like to hear more about how things went...and what OM said...did he seem to understand???
And the new outfits...well hopefully you will feel like sharing those someday with another special man in your life...your H...
I know I have read AmyC's postings around...and her and those like her that have educated and guided me through my journey with my H's MLC...
I think it helps to hear from both sides of the camp...I know initially I had a very difficult time finding encouragment for my situation...I didn't know what to expect...I didn't know how long was too long to hold out hope of reconciling...that is why I am eager to tell others that even though it might be over a few years that there can still be hope...
But Sandi...seriously, you do have much work to do...and the good things that I see is your realize that...I am glad you made it a week...that was probably the hardest week of your life...but you know what?...You did IT!!!...and this should give you the confidence needed to do more for you...and to get yourself on the road of healing physically, emotionally, and spiritually...
I will keep an eye on you...drop a line if you need...
Seriously, I know I have just started. Well, what I did today, was contact the OM through email. Didn't trust talking by IM because he is too smoothe. Anyway, just told him I was going through some really bad stuff in my life and felt like I was near a nervous breakdown and needed to back away. He emailed back and said he understood...was very sweet...and said that he would be there for me at anytime and for any reason I ever needed him. I couldn't have asked for a better "out" than that. If I had not been looking for an escape, it probably would have made me mad that he did not fight for me...lol. But, I think God was working in the situation to get me out of it. For that, I am so thankful. Now....I have to stick to it and not weaken and go back to OM. That's where God, prayer, and you guys come in! I mean it.
I know I need a plan right now for my R with my H. Don't really have one. I have been home recovering from surgery up until this week and having cram sessions about M & R, etc. Every night has been spent on this board and it has been therapy for me, but I need to get back into the grove and start spending time with him. That will be tough. Need lots of support.
Okay, talk later. Tell me how things are going for you. Care about ya.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, earlier I read your post and I broke down in tears. I try very hard not to cry. I just keep running...not unlike when I was mlc. I fall into bed exhausted and am asleep in less that 2 minutes I guarantee it. If I'm not, I think of my daughter and I start to cry. If I let that happen, I will not be able to function at work. Ironically, I work for an attorney and 4 days out of 5, I'm serving the enemy processing divorces. No doubt that has finally taken it's toll...
7 months ago I gave my husband the legal separation he asked for and moved into a cheap apartment with my son. My 11 year old daughter wanted to stay with her father. So I feel I lost them both and to top it off, I am barely making it. Actually I'm NOT making it at all. I have to ask my grandmother to help me and I am 38 years old. Anyway, next Friday is my anniversary and I have been working on a scrapbook for my family. Tons of picture dating back to day one of our marriage 12 years ago is going into that book. It was something I had always said I'd do, but you know, when the kids were younger there was not time for that, except for their baby books which I was meticulous about. My husband used to tease me that if our house ever caught on fire, he'd have to get the kids because I'd be scrambling for those books and the porcelain roses he had given me over the years...so the scrapbook has been in progress for the last few weeks. It has come along very slowly because I usually am laughing or crying as I go through the pictures of our life before my storm. I have sorted through ziplock bags of almost every card and letter or hastily jotted "i love you" note my husband ever wrote me. It has almost sucked the life out of me. But I have been driven to do it and so I will finish it and I can't say that I even know why right now. Since I moved out, my husband and I have had multiple moments together in which the walls came down. He has given me CD's to listen to particular songs on, played me songs when I'm at the house, we've had dinners, talks, fights and I have persisted but at great cost I feel now. He underwent knee surgery and has been out of work since May. He will be going back in a week or two. I helped, I supported, I have been the subject of his impatience, the outlet for his pain and his general all-round whipping post. I have reached a point where I am questioning if it's even worth it anymore. 2 nights ago, I considered for the first time in my life that I may now be becoming depressed. Literally. I'm not bouncing back like is typical for me. I think I've run out of reasons to run the race. But what is IN me won't let me move. I learned after my MLC that all the time I was IN the mlc and went to church, yes, while LOST ALSO IN ADULTERY AND REBELLIOUSNESS, God was giving me every single tool I would need to survive THIS TIME. He knows the end from the beginning.
I have been dbing for over 18 months and my story is long and full of peaks, valleys, God-inspired moments of absolute clarity, and graceless falls right back into the pit He pulled me out of. The trick, I've found, is to know what parts of this battle are yours and which belong to Him. Bind the things on earth that YOU can bind, HE will bind those things which you can not see that threaten you. You bound something today when you sent that email to the om. Good. But he left that door open for you and don't be naive enough to think you won't ever look back. That temptation will call to you again and again until you recognize that he is a tool of the enemy and his purpose is only to lie, steal and destroy your family. So you've got to kick that door shut and slam the bolt down. Choose life and speak life to your marriage. Every day!
You say I have helped you. Maybe so, but you have been used mightily to help me. I said I have been running. I have been running because I am unable to deal with the fact my marriage went THIS far down the tubes and I lost my little girl in the process. It terrifies me to break like I am now because I am afraid this time that even all the King's horses and all the King's men won't be able to put me back together.
In reading of your struggles, the scriptures that are deep inside my spirit have been brought to my remembrance.
Take care Amy, you've fought the good fight. I know exactly what you mean when you say "The trick, I've found, is to know what parts of this battle are yours and which belong to Him." I struggle with that constantly. If you've found the trick to that please let me (us) know.
I hope you can lean on God for strength and let him wrap you in His love so you don't fall apart.
[quote] just told him I was going through some really bad stuff in my life and felt like I was near a nervous breakdown and needed to back away. He emailed back and said he understood...was very sweet...and said that he would be there for me at anytime and for any reason I ever needed him.[/quote]
Sandi...
You are doing a great job of working on you and taking care of what needs to be done...but I HAVE to say this...as the spouse of a WAH/MLC who initially did what you did online years before his actual PA...I also read your reasoning so I hope in your head that is where you are thinking and not with your heart that might be tricking your head...because...this doesn't sound like a "Bye...I made a mistake...I am a married woman and am chosing to work on my marriage and work on being a true wife who loves her husband as she did before and always should have."...Now I know you said you were afraid he would stalk you or just show up...I don't think so...the fact that he was willing to let so much time go without contact from you...well, just doesn't seem like a stalker-type to me...but you did what you felt was right...I just wanted to share with that HE might not have seen it as you breaking up and cutting him off..."needed to back away" would tell me that I might be losing you but you haven't left yet!...could cause some pressure and some more replies to check up on you and express concern...His reply also left a door wide open to you that make create an "out" for you...you will really need to be careful..."anytime and for any reason" can sure be tempting when you and H are having tough times ahead...make sure you delete everything...because trust me...in time you may be blessed (as I have) to forget emails, IM names, and other contact information...and for your own good...and Block his email so you won't be tempted to "just see what he has to say....just this once."
You are on track...just keep going forward...and don't peek back at that door...Like you said he probably didn't fight it NOW because he has others hanging online with him...but should they figure him out...or get discovered by their mates (not uncommon for many married people to be doing this)he might get desperate to feed his addiction...
I have a busy busy weekend so if I don't check in...just hang strong and listen to the others here...
I can only imagine how you feel...sometimes we can only regret our actions so much and then we have to forgive ourselves...I do hope you have done that...because it really is formost to anyone being able to forgive you...
It saddened me deeply to hear about your daughter...but let me tell you about a couple I knew...almost the same situation...she had a true MLC in her 30's...and they had two daughters...the youngest refused to leave her dad and move out with her mom...eventually the MLC played out and then eventually her H and her reconciled...I don't remember the time frames but I know it was some time before it happened...it really was the D that pulled them back together because even though the little girl was hurt and upset at what her mom did to her dad in her eyes...she still loved them both and when the hurt let down enough that was what brought them together...it was still along time before the W could feel love...or even close to that with H...the great news is...they now have both retired (this was at least 25 years ago) and are now traveling the U.S. happily together...they started this soon after all the kids moved out...
AmyC...I hope you can keep up your strength and that things will one day work out...what you are doing is worth it...I know because even though I questioned my own sanity at times and if I was doing the right things...even when things were not going as I had imagined...I am so thankful that H is here with me now...that we are talking once again of a future...talking about anniversaries to come...spending "couple time" together...
Your H is showing he still has feelings...my take is he is still dealing with his own anger and hurt about things but hopefully in time he will allow those feelings to help heal him and allow you back into his life...I do hope you can hang on...
And seriously...if you are depressed (and who isn't these days with all we deal with) you might be helped by going to your doctor...personally, I tried the medication route and it just made me feel worse...even after trying several ones...now my H, on the other hand, went through a few different meds but is now doing so great...it helped him to return to his happier self again...I have noticed a HUGE improvement in his energy level, emotional outlook, and just my "old" friend in general...
You hang in there too...and sorry Sandi for the highjack but I just figured you wouldn't mind...and I wanted to reply directly to this post of AmyC's...
Both of you take care and smell the flowers in bloom today...Lin
AmyC....Sweetie....I think if I had a job that dealt with divorce issues, went home to work on old memories (via scrapbook) and took time to read all the posts on here, responded to those posts, and then deal with your daughter chosing to stay with her dad...I would be ready for that special floor they have at the hospital. You don't get "away" from it. The job, scrapbook, the posts, your stitch...you need a break from all this "stuff" of R problems....M problems...all the divorces, etc. You are dealing with it every day in your job, at home...etc. Now, on top of everything else, the financial problems have increased. Believe me when I say that I can certainly identify with financial problems. I know how it feels to have to turn to the grandmother for help...I've been there too. My grandmother is in heaven now, but she had to give me money in the past. Just this week I had to borrow $200 from my 81 year-old mother to cover my overdrawn checking account I screwed up. I'll pay it back, but I know how it feels to have to still depend on them to help.
Now, I say you need to get away from some of it and it was...what...yesterday...I was begging you not to leave the board...lol. But, I am selfish. I see where you need to take a break for a least a few days. We all care about you and want what is best for you, sweetie. You are going through pain that you probably did not see coming...with your daughter. I know the S papers had to be heartbreaking because you have worked so hard focusing on getting your H back and repairing your M.
My daughter is older than you and I may have lost her....to some degree. Since she found the IM I had sent to the OM. Plus, she found a whole bunch that I sent to others before I settled down to just one OM. That is what is so embarrasing. Also, I would right "stories" of fantasy ....like romance books?....to the OM. What is so stupid is that I would use my real name for the female character in the story. How dumb is that? Don't answer. So, anyway, she knows I wrote it! I thought when I was send it to OM that it would be a big sex turn-on for me to use my real name. Oh Lord! Just adds to the problems now. My H also found them, but it just made me want to die when my daughter told me she had read them.
She has always been a "daddy's girl", but now I think she is very protective of him because she has seen how badly I have hurt him. He would call her at 2:00 in the mornings to go riding with him because he couldn't sleep. He would cry and talk to her about our M. Well, I had no idea that was happening. I only saw him acting hateful toward me.
She is not being ugly to me or anything like that, but I just notice when she calls that it is to talk to her dad. We leave the "answering machine" on to screen calls, and she always says, "Daddy, it's me". That pretty well lets me know who she wants to talk to.
Tomorrow, the family will be getting together to eat lunch for my brother-in-law's birthday, so I'll see how things go with me and my kids. I plan to try to make the most of it because I have been the one to be distant to everyone due to the stuff I was going through. It is time for me to start making up for lost time and for pain I have caused.
Sweetie, I do hope and pray that things get better for you real, real, soon. If .....and that is a big IF...things doesn't look like you can get back together with your H, do you think you will be able to move ahead in your life without him?
If I can't do anything else, I can stand with you against the enemy and I'll pray for you every day. I don't think you have lost your daughter and she may be back in a short time if she finds out that daddy won't let her do everything she wants to do. I don't know her, of course, and not trying to imply anything here...just know kids will use their parents to get their way. Kids play parents against each other and I hope she won't do that. I hope she may do like imLin says and be the instrument to get you and H back together. Just don't give up hope and be a wonderful Mom everytime you see or talk with her. Don't fall for any teenage "tricks". Don't say anything negative about her dad to her....which I'm sure you already know. If she gets mad at him...just listen to her, but don't fall for the temptation to attack him.
Man, look at me giving YOU all this advice! Oh well, it only means I care.
Hope you will jump in once in a while to let me know how you are doing, even if you take a break.
Sandi
Last edited by sandi2; 07/14/0705:49 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
