You HAVE to be OPEN with your H...it might sting...but let him know that although you realize what you are going to say may hurt you NEED to say it IF there is ANY chance of you two coming back to a healthy place again...then gently explain that yes, what he did was so nice and thoughtful...and you appreciate it...but it does not just make you feel overwhelmed in love with him...
Also tell him you appreciate that he STILL loves after all that has happened...but that you don't want to just pretend things are going to be okay...you WANT them to ACTUALLY BE OKAY!
You MUST TALK to him...he can't read your mind and allowing him to do things that drive you away is counter productive...
Let me know how things go...and WTG on not contacting OM...what are we now...day 6!...YOU CAN DO THIS! and when you are done you will be so proud of yourself...really you will and with good reason...you can bring good out of all this stuff...and you are doing that now....
In the past when I tried to tell him, I could see that he was offended. Then I resent him being offended, and then there we go around and around the merry-go-wheel.
Can you see my frustration? I really don't want to hurt him. He is a very good person. But, the feelings won't come no matter how hard I try to pull them up, so I get all confused and feel adnormal. I think, "Don't I love him?" And, then it is not long until other things start pilling on top of that.
If he will just take it slow and easy and give me some time. It has only been 6 days since I last talked to the OM. I am hanging by a thread here. I have just come to the place I can stay under the same roof without running away from him. It all sounds so dramatic....but that is how I was feeling. I was proud of what I was able to do and yes, even feel a tiny bit toward my H, but I can't do more than what I'm doing right now.
BTW, thanks for your concern. I'd appreciate anything you have to say.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
PS....I still spend most of my evenings on the computer reading these posts while he is watching tv. I know that is not the healing salve we probably need, but like I said, I have just gotten where I can stay here. In a few more days I hope to report that I am spending more time in the same room with him.
He has a hard time controlling himself to stay out of here. But, he has reason to feel threaten every time I'm on the computer. I just leave the door wide open so he can come in and see what I am doing whenever he choses to do so. I know he still searches the history to see where all I have been on line, but that's ok. I still get an old feeling of resentment when he walks up behind me, like he use to do when I was talking with the OM. We had some of our worst fights then, so naturally, it would cause me to remember bad feelings and be uncomfortable.
Okay, maybe I am through this time....lol.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
maybe you could write a letter to your H...and explain what you just posted...that he will have to take it slow...and give you time...remind him that you are hanging on by a thread and if more weight gets added it could send you realing...
There is no way to avoid the hurt...he needs to understand that...
Would it be helpful if one of us were to email him to help him understand the situation...to reassure him that it is okay to back off...that it won't make you run away...and that time really is his friend?...I would be willing if you think it would help...
Sandi...you are being incredibly strong...I think it is great that you are leaving the door open and not hiding things from him...in time he won't feel the need to check up on you but trust me...he needs to KNOW you are being honest with him right now...I know when my H did those things trust was really a big thing...I wished he would have been so open the first time around...instead he went the other way and distrusted me more...
Thanks Lin, I will consider the email route. I may have over re-acted to his actions last night. When I went to bed I just broke down and sobbed for the longest time. I was afraid if he or my grandson (who lives with us) heard me, they would think I was having a nervous break-down. At times, I have wondered that myself. But I'm not having a break-down, it's the after effects of all this "stuff" we go through and our families go through. I think I am really going through the "repentance" stage right now. Before, I knew I was wrong, and would admit I was wrong and was sorry and ashamed for what I had done....but it was not enough to stop me from going back to the OM. Now, I am feeling truly repentant for my actions. I kept thinking about my Dad who I adored, and how disappointed he would be if he knew what I had done. I can't even write about it now without crying. When my husband found out about the OM, he through my Dad up in my face to make me feel bad and at that moment, I nearly hated my H for doing that, because he knew he really hit below the belt.
Anyway, I do need to feel repentance and I think after going this long without talking to the OM, I can began to feel that and to start trying to move forward.
Being in MLC or WAS or whatever it was that was happening to me...it is the hardest thing in the world to explain. You know you are not yourself in the way you think, act, etc., but it is like something else has taken over your body and mind and you know you are loosing control and yet you don't care (at that moment in time) you feel a rebellion inside of you that prompts you to keep on doing the selfish things that you want even though it hurts your family.
I could feel my desire for the OM slipping away because I had not been "feeding" it like I had been months before. I think you know what I mean by that. We had just been shooting short emails to each other about once a day. Not much sexual talk was going on at all, so it was fading away. I am glad, because a few months ago, I could not even see me where I am today...being as strong as I am at this minute.
God is so good and you new friends I have found here to support me has been my biggest blessing in a very long time. I have a long way to go before I am healed and certainly my R with my H. Our church is going to be in Revival next week, so I am praying that I can truly be spiritually revived. It will be hard to work all day and go to church every night because I am still physically weak from surgery, so just pray I can do it.
As far as the OM, I just pray he will not decide to "surprise" me and show up unexpected some day at my work place, or something like that. I hope he will lose interest in me as fast as I have him. He doesn't know where I live in town, but he knows where I work and it wouldn't be hard for him to locate me. Well, I'm not going to worry about that now.
I have to go to work, but just wanted to let you all know that I was feeling stronger this morning. My H is a little quite. but I think he is okay. Maybe he was just worried about me yesterday because of the way I fell apart over the band account.
Hope you all have a good day and maybe soon I can be of some help to somebody else.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
To help you understand a few things about your H's reactions to his discovery let me share with you mine...
I to was so totally shocked...I brought up the kids, how I had dedicated my whole life to H, I hit as many guilt buttons as I could...it was later...much much later....that H disclosed that anytime a guilt button was hit it drove him farther away...for me it was desperation to get him to "feel"...because he was so cut off and so distant...in my mind (pre-DB'ing)I felt if I could just get him to feel something he would "snap out of it"...
When and if you do write to your H explain this too...let him know that he doesn't really want you to stay out of guilt...guilt should never be a control tool...but he wants you to stay because you WANT to...that is the only way you both can be happy...
Give him what you CAN do a stage at a time...let him know that right now being home is it...when it comes to being in the same room let him know...watching TV together...eating together...however you see your steps at regaining your R/M then ONE AT A TIME you will disclose to him what you are ready to handle...
I am glad to hear that you are feeling stronger about OM...but it isn't over...not really...DON'T LET YOUR GUARD DOWN...at our congregation meeting last night they just had another session on the dangers of internet...even "Christian" dating sites...while there are some success stories there is much more pain and hurt that isn't shown...because people lie and feel protected by the anonimity that the internet provides...after H was saying "You know how almost every month they say something about the internet? It must be a huge problem and not just with the young ones!"....well DUH!...that is where he fell into ALL the problems that he got into...everything he started was on the internet...he was over weight and I can guarantee if he had to have gone out to bars to meet the women he did he wouldn't have done it...and maybe...just maybe if he didn't have that outlet he would have been more likely to make a different choice that would have allowed for us to work things out with the the effects the OW brought into our relationship, the STD testing, the concern about her getting pregnant, the total heart break of knowing I am now not his "one and only" as far as sexual relations go...and the list goes on...
So count yourself fortunate that you are now at 1 week...and counting...that you are fighting back against the weakness to meet OM...and really looking to yourself and to God to get better...I would hope OM lives far enough away that he wouldn't just "pop" in on you...but IF that were to happen I know you have it in you to send him on his way without a hope...but I really doubt that will happen...usually if things have been "just online" they quickly move on themselves to the next vulnerable person to feed their addiction...you know if the first "drug" supplier leaves town there is one to take it's place in a heart beat...and the "addict" will find them...
You sound so much better this morning...sometimes a good cry is what we need...it is good that you can see how far you have come...take pride in that...keep hope alive with you...YOU CAN DO THIS...and YOU CAN BE HAPPY...
On the subject of being happy...H realized while he was gone...and upon his return...that "I" was not the whole reason he was unhappy...and I learned that I couldn't rely on H to make me happy...while a couple is "one" they still need a life...they need their own individuality...we both lost that...but now he has things he does for enjoyment and I have mine...and then we have OURS...so look for your happiness and remember it doesn't come from someone else...it comes from YOU...
Good evening. Well, tonight will be a test for me where the OM is concerned and I'll tell you why. As much as it embarrases me to admit this, I got where I stayed home from church on Wednsday night because that got to be the only private time me and the OM had together on line. I had full intentions of going to church tonight just to be able to stay away from old habits. But today was really hard on me at work and I am so physically drained that I can't make it to Wed, night services. So, I hope some of my good friends will talk to me and kind of keep me busy so I won't relent and start seeking out the OM. I'll admit that my curiousity got the best of me. I did not talk to him, but I did check to see if he had sent me an email. He has only sent one short one and that was Monday morning. He was in the habit of sending me email every single morning as soon as he got to work. Well, he went from Thursday until Monday morning without a word. All he said Monday was that he was thinking about me and hoped I had a good day. Not another word since! Now, grant it, I always responded back and so he may be waiting for me to respond, but if we truly meant as much to each other as he pretended...wouldn't he write again to see if anything was the matter? I think he probably has other women hanging on the end of his little line like he had me. Maybe I am just tring to convence myself that he does in order to make getting over him easier. I have a lot of pride (even if it sounds rather ironic) about things like that. If I had ever allowed myself to really believe that he was chatting with other women in the same way as he did me...I would have written him off that minute. But you see, I did not want to know that for a fact. I did not want to face it. Now, I could get on line with him tonight and he would play it real cool and act all concerned about not hearing from me etc., but why has he waited on me? Why has he not sent me an email every day trying to find out if I was okay or in trouble or hurt, etc?
Do you guys agree or am I just trying to convence myself?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Just had a question for was2sad...why were you talking like that to me? Were you challenging me or just trying to shock me or trying to make me sit up and think...what?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Forever21. Thanks for responding. I need to talk and stay busy cause I am having a hard time tonight. My emotions are not matching up with my head knowledge. I guess I am going through withdrawals. For people that were the LBS I know that I could be hated real easily for what I've done to my H. I couldn't blame anyone for feeling that way toward me. How he still loves me is beyond me! I'm not trying to win any popularity contest...thank goodness, but my feelings are fragile. I'll probably regret saying that by the time some get through with me. Yes, yes, I know...I wasn't thinking about H feelings, etc, etc. I know...already!
I'm sorry, I shouldn't even be trying to talk right now, i'm such a mess! I am trying hard to break it off with the OM and not talk anymore to him on line. So, I'm just in the middle of a mini break down right now...just please bear with me.
I think you asked me what I wanted from my M. I want to feel passion for my H. I want to feel desire. I have been dead inside for so long that when I did turn to OM the feelings of desire was new and exciting to me. I thought I was a freak for so many years and was told how our marriage was not what it should be because I was frigid....in so many words that was what my H told me every time I tried to talk to him about anything. No matter what the subject...he always brought up about the sex. So, I got colder and we got farther apart. He stopped sleeping in the same room with me about 20 years ago, and then stop even trying to have sex 11 years ago. We just lived under the same roof, went to the same church, family, etc. and to everyone else, we appeared to be very normal. Ha! Would they be surprised!
If you have read all my posts then you know that he tried very hard when he first found out about the OM. But, he had waited too long and was smothering me to death. The harder he tried the more turned off I felt. I wanted to run! I talked every day to my mother to keep from running. The OM told me he would come get me if I wanted him to, but I didn't know if I could do that to my family. Even though my kids are grown, I knew it would distroy my family. It has been 5 long months since everything hit the fan with my H. I have not run away yet. I have just gotten where I can stand to be under the same roof at the same time with him. I know all this sound so very awful to asy about one's spouse. I'm just telling it like it is.
As I told in my post early this morning before I left for work, we MLC or WAW or whatever I am....Lord only knows...we are not our true selves. It feels like some thing has crawled up under our skin and taken over. We know right from wrong and we admit we are wrong, but it is like we don't want to do anything about it. The desire to be with the OM or to run away or be by ourselves, feel the hot sexual desire, or whatever the heck it is we crave....is more important that our own children at that moment in time. I am baring my soul here and it isn't very pretty...I know.
For years, when I was younger, I tried hard, or at least I thought I did. I would apply all the "Total Woman" principles (anyone remember that book?) and would try to keep the M alive. But my husband was so "laid back" to the point of being down right lazy. There, I said it out-loud! He tried being self-employed after the company he worked for went out of business and that is when the M started going down. He is never motivated enough to go out and hustle the work up and keep the bills paid. I did not come from a wealthy family so it is not like I am hard to please. My family was on the same economical level as his. I just want to have a little security in my old age. He just never was a "go-getter" about anything. I was the other way around. We were true opposites. In the beginning maybe it attracted us, but I can assure you it doesn't after 41 years. I have worked two at a time several times and keep the house, kids, cook, etc., but do you think he ever did? Nope! Anyway, over the years, a lot of resentment built up, especially when all he ever had to bring to the talk table was that I was frigid and if we just had more sex, everything would be roses. It turned me off more and more. Then, about 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. It is combined problems of sorts, but includes a lot of pain and chronic fatigue. That is when I really started feeling dead inside. I just exsisted. I was on so many meds that I could hardly function at work. I missed a lot of work, in fact. Was afraid I would lose my job.
Well, I have ranted and vented and at least I'm not crying right now, so thanks for being here for me and let me get this off my chest.
You will probably be scared to ask me any more questions. Just kidding. Don't be, if you aren't afraid to listen. I need everyone I can get right now, because, seriously, I do feel like I am close to a nervous break-down at times.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I know when my H was doing the "online thing" he was usually chatting with more then one woman...I also agree with your thought that the reason he hasn't tried harder to contact you is because he is busy enough...I know guys that would have several IM windows open at a time and be chatting a way to several women at a time...don't think you are so special to him...if he loved you...really loved you (the way your H does) he wouldn't be just dropping a line to say "hi"...he would be inquiring and trying to get a reply from you...
Sandi...believe me...he isn't worth it...he will never be worth it...what you need to focus on is you...and finding your H worth it...
I went to a service the other day and the speaker was saying that we shouldn't miss meetings just because we are tired or have a little headache...he said that God really wants us to be there...and if we stayed home and a big truck full of money pulled up....and a guy got out....knocked on our door...and said we just one 10 minutes to get in the truck and get as much money as we could hold...would we stand there and say how tired we were...or that our head hurt???...NO...we would be running him over to get in that truck...
Let him go Sandi...he is trouble...with a capitol T...he will always be...and he won't be the kind to be trusted EVER...
