He knows yet he would still allow you to damage those relationships... And you mentioned that you weren't attracted to his looks...well, that same issue came up for me...of course OM told me he was attracted but after things were said and done and it was appearant that there was NO ROMANCE to build on he let me know his true feelings on that too...he WANTED to be attracted to me...of course he was much older then me because I didn't want a younger man...I wanted an older man... But when you really examine the situation....as you obviously are...what sort of person are they REALLY???...to get involved with someone married is WRONG...to continue to try and pull them away even if it is so subtle with sweet words is WRONG...to allow another to damage family and friend relationships and to forsake all they believe in morally...well, it is just plain WRONG...this tells you what sort of person they really are... What you were saying about him being a take charge kind of guy and how it might really play out is probably very true...I know in my case the OM that I got aquainted with started to show his colors after a year or so...he would "test" me...but there was a mean streak in him...yes, he could be gentle, understanding, but if something got his goat he could bring me to tears...he was generous and caring...but looking back I can see a lot of things now that I didn't...a lot of things that would not have made me happy...I had to find that within myself... I so glad you are taking this time to really examine things...I think you are taking those "rose colored" glasses off and REALLY seeing what matters... I am proud of you...I know the addiction of the internet as well...and yes, it can be a strong pull that sucks you in and kills your real life...and most likely the OM is addicted as well...and it doesn't have to be you or him...it is just the feeding of one's ego that starts it all going...but it isn't real life...and prevents you from living and GAL...you NEED your family, your H, your friend, your other relationships....you don't NEED the crap that gets found in chat rooms or game sights or any of that...now if I do play a game that has chat I don't chat...and when the other person does it is usually disgusting and juvinile to me...in time I think you will see this the same way...
Hi everyone! Well, I made it throught the day without contacting the OM. I will get through tonight as well, because I feel stronger. Also, something happened that kind of drew my H and me closer together...so that really helped.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Fa, well, I had missed a lot of work last month and it caused my paycheck to be very short. Well, with everything else on my mind and just being plain careless, I overdrafted my checking account. I just went back to work yesterday from having surgery and so I am still very weak and shaky. Anyway, when I came home for lunch, we had received a bank statement regarding the overdrawn account. I just fell apart. Here I had been so mad at my husband for not working, etc., and now I go mess up and overdraw. Well, when he saw how upset I was, he was very sweet and just told me not to worry and that it would work out somewhay and then pulled out a hundered dollar bill. I knew he had been holding on to that for an emergency...but this was the time to use it. I went to him crying an put my arms around him and told him I was so sorry for messing up the account. He just held me and comforted me.
The thing I will need to watch is this...he will get his hopes up real quick and real hight. Because to him, this was a sign that everything is going to be fine again. At least that is what I am afraid of. You see, he left for about an hour this evening and I was reading the different posts on this site when he came back in. He walks in and kisses me on my shoulder. He has been calling me "baby", and etc. Now, I know I shuld be excited about that, but I just don't want him to push it too fast. I did make that move at lunch time....but it was out of emotions. My nerves are fragile and my physical state is weak. The least thing makes me cry. I stated crying at a commercial last night! So, I don't want him to repeat the behavior he has in the past...and that is one of them. Do I makes sense in what I am saying? You see, I had already posted my previous statement, then he comes in and does that and I knew by the way my body wanted to recoil....I'm not there yet. It hurts me to know that my body feels that way toward him and I don't want to hurt him, so I try to cover it up. I've talked to him abut it, but how to you tell a person something like that without it killing them? That is why I say I am not past the brother-sister stage and afraid it may be a ways off yet.
I thought I had it licked for tonight...regarding the OM. But H left a few minutes ago and guess what I was tempted to do? Yep! But, nope....I haven't done it yet and am trying hard not to give in. That is why I came back on here to get through the temptatin.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The thing I will need to watch is this...he will get his hopes up real quick and real hight. Because to him, this was a sign that everything is going to be fine again. At least that is what I am afraid of.
I went through a short sep 5 years ago from my WAW, and when she came back, I thought "mission accomplished". Biggest mistake of my life to not understand my role and the need to examine and change myself, and I'm paying the price now....
I don't have the answer as to get him to understand this. I wish our MC at the time...or anyone...would have helped me with this.
BTW, this is one of the most helpful threads I've read on this board. It really gives me a great peek into your (the WAW's) mind. Thanks for sharing. And it looks like you are getting lots of help and are thinking more clearly.
Be very honest with your H...yes it might hurt him...but if you explain that you NEED space and time to work through things and he MUST give this to you hopefully he will understand...I know my H told me that he didn't love me...but wanted to and he asked for me to be patient...there was a time that he said just hugging me was very hard for him...but he allowed JUST that...I would hug him when I felt I needed it and he would hug me back...in time he started to feel okay with that...but it did take TIME...and I had to be patient...
BTW...Call the bank and explain the situation to them....ask if there is anything they can do regarding the charges...I have had to do this a few times and my bank has always been very good at helping me out...just be honest...tell them what has been going on...you might be well rewarded and be able to give the $100 back to H to hold on for another emergency!
Keep it here, Sandi...remember, OM is NOT WHAT YOU NEED...the longer you go without that sick fix the better you will feel about yourself!
Thanks everyone, I'm trying real hard. I will make it through tonight without calling OM. I know it now. But, H just came back again, and sure enough....he's pushing. I can't put it into words to describe to you all, but I just "know" him and his actions. He is wanting to just "jump" back into a normal R again and pretend everything is great! (This is the "message" I'm getting from his up-beat attitude.) And all that happen today was what I told you guys about! That's all it took to send him into "wonder-land"! It was this very thing that kept me at a continued distance with him...because I knew he would be this way! I'm not ready to get into all this "touchy-touchy" stuff right now. But, he sees this as a great green light that everything will just be honky-dorey.
I know I am blessed to have a man that loves me that much, I know that! But again...it's these blasted feelings of mine! Maybe that is just my way of seeing it. He surley knows better than that...but I'm going by his actions and it is almost turning me off. God, I hate feeling like this. Just as I feel like we gained one tiny ounce of ground, he acts like a high school boy in love. If only...if only I could return his favors. I still need space, but if I tell him...he is going to be crushed. I just pray he will back away...just a little bit and I won't have to warn him.
This is what makes me treat him cold. Why can't he learn this? He was so proud of himself today that he finally finished reading one of the books I bought and downloaded on line. Then he prints the entire thing off! When he proudly showed it to me, I asked him why on earth he did that. He said so he could keep it. I tried to tell him we had it on the computer anytime he wanted it, but no he has to use paper and expensive ink cartridge to "print" the whole book! That is the way we are.
I know he is trying so hard. You guys pray for me, please. I have read so many posts that sound so awful to me and then I realize it was describing me completely! Even though I never walked away physically...I did in my heart. We WAS are not nice people, I'm afraid. We need a lot of patience and help. We want to love and be loved....even if we don't show it in our actions. I can't explain myself, so I can't explain anyone else. Guess that is why I shouldn't give advise.
You guys are wonderful and I am always open to advise. He is calling me now wanting me to come eat popcorn and watch tv. I'm not ready for this. I don't want to do this. I need more time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
