Moving Forward - slow but sure

[Jen_Jam]

Hi jeff

I'm glad you cleared that up. You are not a failure. Your M failed, yes, but YOU are no failure.

I can imagine the emptiness, but in order to move on you know you need to let go .... easier said than done, I know. But there is a bright future awaiting you somewhere, if you go and find it.

I've found a few quotes too which may help....all from Helen Keller

When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

Although the world is full of suffering, it is full also of the overcoming of it.

Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything good in the world.

Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn whatever state I am in, therin to be content

[SDFoundGirl]

I was polite the first email but she crossed a boundry with the second (which had a threatening tone) and I called her on it. She backed off. What a tone of communication: guess that represents future interactions.

A couple little things Jeff. First, just because EW's tone sucked then or even a dozen times does NOT mean that future interactions were the same. The past is over, the future hasn't happened yet, so don't create stories in your mind that make you dread interactions.

One strategy that's working for me is a writing exercise called a Rampage of Appreciation. Essentially, you write down everything you admire or respect about the person. I even did one for LW, and it's helping me let go of a lot of my anger toward her by focusing on her positive qualities. I did the same with H's crazy sis before I had to see her, and it changed the way I entered the situation. You could also try a Rampage of Anger which allows you to put down every ugly thing you're thinking and feeling inside about a person or situation. I burn mine when I'm done, sort of a release of all that negativity, then I write a gratitude journal or rampage of appreciation.

Second...why are you putting your life on hold? PMA/GAL is even more important right now. Let go of what you can't control, take control of what you can.

You're giving your power away. Take it back.

SD

[faithisbelieving]

Jeff...where are you buddy? FIB

[bleak2dismal]

My situation:

Brief recap:
Me: 49, WAW: 46; three kids: D18, S16 and S10
Bomb: Discovered she was having an affair with a friend (former) of 18 years: July 05
August 05: Divorce motion filed
Sept 05: Provissional order- me out of the house, I pay everything, std. visitation rights
Jan 06: Mediation fails. She wants 60% of everything in cash. Retirement accounts, ect. I would re-start life way in the hole. She does concede equal split on parenting time!
Sept 06: Trial for divorce is called off due to my witnesses not being able to attend (teachers and first day of statewide testing). I am given primary physical custody of S16, and a reduction in child support of $6.00! I continue to pay everything else.
Feb 07: My attorney fires me because I claim he has done nothing but rack me for $13,000.00 in legal fees.
April 07: I miss a pre-trial court date because I no longer have (or can afford) legal representation. Judge rules court date of Sept 5th and 6th (2 day trial) cannot be changed and the court will make final decision on that date.
May 25th: Trial to continue spousal support until date of final hearing. Spousal support had terminated at the end of April. I represented myself. I receive the notice on June 10th that the judge ruled that I was to continue to pay spousal support June-Sept, however I would receive a direct 50% credit against the marital assets for this. I call WAW and tell her to stick it up her ---. I was done paying everything. I was broke.
July 6th: Trial for contemptofcourt charges. I represent myself. I make a house payment the morning of the trial. I submit this to the judge, as well as state the house payments are current. Prior court order does not state that I was to pay the May house payment. Judge rules I am not in contempt of court, but I must pay the June through Sept house payments.

Maybe not so brief. Anyway, my question to any of you that can help:

How do you get past the anger over what she did?
How do you get past the anger of watching your kids go down hill (I caught my S16 smoking pot with 3 friends in my house 2 days ago. He also flunked every class he took his Freshman yr. H.S.)
All of our kids speak to both of us defiantly)?
The divorce has polarized the family. D18 never stays with me. S16 never stays with her. S10 splits time evenly. How do you get over the anger of seeing your kids lose their relationship with their parents?
How do you co-parent with someone you blame for screwing up all of our lives?
How do you quit loving someone you have spent 28 years of your life with (even after what she has done)?
How do you get over wanting to drive 4 hours and beat the [censored] out of a home wrecker?

These are just a few of the most important questions I am dealing with. Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the discovery of the emails and the affair. Two years. Wow. And I still can't make any sense out of what is going on.

[JSD]

Bleak2dismal,

First, I had a similiar situation as yours and my wife's lawter played legal shinanigans during our divorce. I could very easily by bitter and angry. In fact, I do have those minutes.

First, forgiveness is a descision. It is not for her its for you. Bitterness will eat you alive. You are giving your power to her. Forgiveness also does not mean forgetting. By letting go of the anger, you give a gift to yourself and can concentrate on you GAL.

Second, you know the saying. A person who defends himself has a fool as a client. No offense and I had $30k in leagl expenses so I understand. In otherwords, be careful.

Good Luck and God Bless,

JSD

[Jeff223]

b2d-
Thanks for posting on my thread. I thought I had it bad.

First off, do start a new thread of your own here or in newcomers. I note you had one going back in May - but things change. You will get more support with your own thread but I am glad to help.

As to your stitch, here goes:

First thing to do is to find another lawyer. The initial consult fee is normally low. If you spent $13k in fees to date your case must be really complex or your first lawyer was unethical (lawyers don't fire clients) or both. You don't spend that kind of dollars in Alabama unless it is a full blown custody battle which yours does not seem to be.

Regardless, from your brief description you have no choice but to get a lawyer. Borrow the money if you have to.

Here in Alabama, and we rank 49th in almost everything, the court will mandate IC for the kids. Check into that. Court ordered IC is usually cheaper than paying your own way with a private IC. And your W should be responsible for half of what cost there is. Sounds like the kids need that.

Go to http://www.divorcecare.org and find a support group near you. They will help you and your kids. There is divorce care specifically for kids in addition to you. I have not gone myself, but I got good feedback. Real time local support will get you past that desire for the four hour drive.

Another resource to check is http://www.uptoparents.org for help with the kids and co-parenting.

Getting past the anger: buy "Mars and Venus Starting Over" by John Gray. That is the best book I have on getting past this stuff. If you read my stitch I fell into hate, real hate, often. I am doing better now and I reference that book often. The book will teach you to let go and remember the R with love and forgiveness. That is how you co-parent.

My state will also order family counseling when co-parenting is an issue. Again, she should pay half.

How do you quit loving? You never do. Instead you move on and get a life of your own. You accept your part and change what is in your power to change - and accept what you cannot change.

Luck to you. Two years is a long time but it will get better.

Strength and Honor.

[Jeff223]

I am still here FIB.

Me a failure? Only a failure would even think that

I am back on top again. The view is nice.

I got my "final" settlement papers to former W and she "agreed". Now we will see what the lawyers say. That was empowering - I felt doing the papers as very positive for me.

I am a sorrowful about my M ending and my role in that. I feel sorry for my kids as well. But we will do fine. I will do fine.

Sometimes the trials in life suck but without them there is no growth. Our trials point to the opportunities that are there for the taking.

Strength and Honor.

[neli]

Hang in there Jeff. My final settlement is being drafted this week. I am ready for this chapter to be over.

I am sure having this part of our lives over will be a huge relief.

Neli

[faithisbelieving]

neli now down.....(sigh) FIB

[I_Still_Love_Him]

Jeff

You sound great.

got my "final" settlement papers to former W and she "agreed". Now we will see what the lawyers say. That was empowering - I felt doing the papers as very positive for me.

While some people would think the end is approaching, now that I am on the other side, believe me when I say, it isn't; it is just the beginning of better things to come. Since my D, I've felt like I have taken my life back. I don't have to give up who I am in order to make someone else happy.

Sometimes the trials in life suck but without them there is no growth. Our trials point to the opportunities that are there for the taking.

Absolutely. I have to admit that some of the greatest lessons I've learned have been from the hardest times I've faced in my life and I've faced a few. The one greatest lesson I've learned is that if you truly believe in a higher power, whatever it is we each believe in, you will come out of each of these situations a better and stronger person.

You already have and you will continue to become an even better person because of this. God does not allow things to happen to us if he felt we weren't strong enough to get through it and YOU HAVE.

Hugs,
ISLH