One thing about praying...if you are not acting in harmony with those prayers God will not answer you...so if you are praying to get over OM yet make any attempt to contact him or "answer" him then your prayers on this matter will be hindered and in time not heard...it would be terrible to be on your own with this...
I think it is probably best you let the R w/ OM die a slow death...not contact, no good-bye, no replies...just let it die and don't feed into it...cold turkey...
I know this is hard because through all of this with my H there were a few times I grew emotionally close to others online...and in real life...even though I didn't physically cross any boundries emotionally I can see I was treading in dangerous waters...so when the time came that I knew I had to sever contact because my H had turned back to me and was giving us the chance I wanted it was hard...they were my "friends"...but they were friends for the wrong reasons...and to be fair to my H I had to cut ties...and it was hard...but I am glad and my conscience is clear which means so much...
My H is a HUGE procrastinator...he has left 1000's of dollars of belongings at an apartment he shared with a guy and won't go get it because he left the guy paying for the apartment...he invested in two business ventures...on 18,000 and the other was 15,000...the first one we have moved and don't know if they tried to pay him back but he won't contact them...the second sent a letter disolving the partnership and telling him he would be getting a check for what his share was worth...never got the check...and he only called once!!!...and we could definitely use the money...it is sort of the same way with finding a job...he gets excited about a job, applies, then waits, waits, waits...instead of calling back and showing definite interest...then it takes forever to get him to apply again for a job...but I know if I push it gets me no where...so I just keep working...I don't buy him coffee or chips or all the other junk he wants...I tell him if he wants bad enough he will get a job so he can afford it...
venting is when you just need to really release and you are best not to take it out on your spouse...journaling is more about what you are doing and how things are going...and I guess there could be accountability involved there...
Having spent my fare share of time in game chat rooms...and knowing that is where H found his OW's...I just want to reassure you that you are not alone in what you have done...there are many many women your age who have told me there stories of love and hurt online with men...a few I shared with you...many like you married young and innocent, raised their children, and you would think they were the Mrs. Clever's of the neighborhood but they too got caught up in the cyber sex, web cam, and other things that just "were not them"...it happens...the heart is treacherous...and it is desperate...when we feel neglected it can really bring us to do some things that we just could never imagine doing otherwise...so that is why for now you need to "not listen to your heart" and really work on your head!!!
So tell me, how long since you last made contact with OM...does he know your H and possibly D and GS know of him and your activities???
I think it would be good for you to tell your H that you are ending contact and want to work on your M...also let him know that it will take time before you are really ready to work "with" him...because you need to set yourself straight...also let him know that he is free to ask you things and that you promise to be honest...this will help build the trust back with him and will help you remember your commitment to your marriage...
The OW that my H was ready to marry...the OW who proclaimed her undying love for my H...the one who do anything and go anywhere for him...well as soon as he said he wasn't quite ready to make the leap...yes he wanted to marry her but he needed time...well in a few months she called and said she was coming to his town...he was excited and offered to meet up with her...then she dropped the bomb on him...she was coming with an OM!!!...so let me ask you...do you think she really and truly loved H???
I ask you this because I think in time your OM will move on...it is a sickness with some people out there to get involved with others online...thinking "well, it isn't real...I am not hurting anyone...what's the harm"...some will even carry on the fantasy of meeting...and some do...but that fantasy is all based upon lies...rarely are people totally honest online...the say what they want the person to hear...glossing over their own faults...which might be huge...
Example:...I got to know man that was very nice...still is...I was sure I was getting D'ed and his W had already filed on him...we thought there might be a future for us but we would wait until both of us were free...well in time we didn't want to wait so he did come to visit...we didn't kiss but we did hug and hold hands...after he went home we both sort of realized that what we had built up online wasn't what was real...remove the sexual aspect and there was no longterm R to base a marriage on...I felt extreme guilt about this meeting later and when my H returned I confessed this to him...even though nothing really happened the things we talked about were not appropriate for a married person...we went to our Elders and I talked about with them...I am thankful that it went no further because they said had it there might have disciplinary action taken in regards to my standing in our congregation...
Sandi...the OM is what he is in your mind...but please trust me when I tell you that he can't really love you like he says...and you can't really love him like you feel...it is the heart being treacherous...
Also...please take my advice and start focusing on the positives of your H...I had to tell my H this because he pointed out all my faults but when he spoke of OW he pointed out all her attributes...he had to focus and realize that I was not perfect but that if he looked at me like he was her then he might find someone he still loved....like I said...it took a year...yes, we slept in the same bed...we shared marital relations...but I knew for him it wasn't out of love at that time...it was out of obligation...but love was the choice he made and eventually it came....
I hope this helps you some more...I will keep checking in on you...and if you need anything...just holler!
Sandi, i would like to share an experience i had while online dating before i met my W. It was the first person i metonline. We chatted for several months via email and chat. Then finally exchanged phone numbers and talked on the phone for several months. Again this was when i was single. The conversation was so awesome and my expectations were so high. When we finally did meet, she had a stain on her shirt. First impressions, i was totally turned off and let down. It was kind of like opening xmas presents and not getting what you wanted. I know its not exactly the same, but everything that led up to that meeting was so great and then i felt so let down......just something to think about in regards to the OM
M - 42 W - 41 Married 9 years July 24, 2010 WAW moved out 8-9-10 2nd Marriage for Both S 2 SS 13 from W first Marriage
I have been reading a lot of things you have told other people and, well, I think you are my hero! Girl, I don't know how you have done what you have! It makes me ashamed of myself.
I have to admit though, one of the reasons I was reading so much stuff was because I was fighting the temptation to check on line with the OM. It has been five days since the last time I said anything to him. I know that is not much, but I have to take a day at a time. Maybe that is not what the book says...haven't gotten that far yet, but it is all I can do at the time. Hate to admit it, but I was really missing him tonight. As I have said before, I have tried the "good-byes" and it doesn't work since I can just go back on line at any time and contact him again. When I made a reference to being like an alcoholic with the bottle in the cabinet...I did not know about your H had a drinking problem. Maybe, you told me, I have read so much the past five days until I'm almost cross-eyed.
I am going to make it through tonight without talking to the OM. Tomorrow will be another day to work through.
I just admire you so much. Again, I just don't think I could have done what you have and I admire you so much. I hope your H knows what a gem he has!
I know you have encouraged so many people on this website. I don't know if it helps any to say this...and it is probably just my belief, but I think we are put through some things in order to help others. Since you were the LBS, you know a lot on how to help those in your situation plus you know what to say to people like me...the wanna be WAW. So, you have helped many, many people.
You were so kind to even talk to me. I could understand why you would hate women like me. If you only knew me in real life, you would be shocked to know my personal life and everything involved. Everyone that knows me would be totally blown away to know that I had an EA online with OM. I would be the least likely person in the school yearbook! Yet, I did it and I'm so ashamed. I know, I know, I say I am ashamed in one sentence and that I'm being tempted in the next. But, I am trying to be realistic and deal with it like it is. My feelings are still a rollercoaster, but I'll make it in time.
Maybe I was not supposed to post any advise...kind of got my toes stepped on for that. But, I was just trying to help. Anyway, I guess I'll mind my own business from now on and wait until I have a success story like yours to tell.
Well, I guess I shouldn't just keep rattling...just needed to talk. I hope you will continue to talk to me. By the way, I received Divorce Remedy and have started reading it. Also, I was able to go back to work today after being off on sick leave, so I hope that will help...staying busy.
You know what? Most people have always seen me as a "strong person"....that is almost a joke...if they could see me sitting here with tears running down my face now. However, in the short time that I have had the pleasure of knowing you through these posts...you are probably one of the strongest people I have ever met. It is a pleasure.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I say post your advice. I think you have a lot to offer. You see things from another perspective and if someone doesn't like it, then too bad for them.
Hey....you are a strong person.....you came here for help didn't you? It takes a lot to sit here and type out one's faults....at the least, the negative things they ahve done. I know for a fact, even though it was on the internet, coming here to spill my beans about my past and the things I had did was really hard.But, in the same token, look how easy it is to spill your beans to a complete stranger that you have NEVER met and tell him all the things he would like to do to you and you to him.
Coming here is the best thing that a person could do. PERIOD.
Sorry, I get these post mixed up sometimes. I am still trying to figure out how it all works. Just want to thank you for being my friend and trying to help. I need all I can get. I am going to read your stitch...is that what they call it? lol
God, I'm old! lol
Anyway...no laughing matter...I really do appreciate you talking to me and I am going to read your story. Like I told Lin, I have read so much that some of it is running together.
I guess you will see what I sent to Lin, but the same applies to you and AmyC. I'm just trying to get through a day at a time. My H is trying really hard. He doesn't smother me like he was doing and his attitude has changed. He doesn't snoop around and watch me like he was doing. He read a book and he hates to read...lol. I am so lucky to have him for my H. I am trying to remind myself of the positive things. However, I have always known that there were millions of women that would kill for a H like mine...and it did not make me any more happier. He is a good man...has a good heart...but I just did not feel in love with him anymore...you know the drill. I sound awful, don't I? I did not realize how many others were in the same boat until I came here and started reading. It is so sad.
I forgot to add to the post to Lin, so I'll tell you...lol...that I went an entire week with him in the house with me and I did not have a nervous break down. He was not able to work due to it raining every day. Before, I could not bear for him to be under the same roof without feeling like I would run out and start screeming. However, we were both kind of "trapped" in the house together last week and I did not have those panic feelings. I am going to take that as a good sign.
If you ever feel like punching me out...let me have it. I won't promise it won't hurt, but I will promise to "take it". I need plain talking to. So, if you are up to the job, I will try to be a good student.
Thanks for begin concerned.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
