You found him attractive because of the things that he said and did and a little part was probably because of his looks. You just didn't hop in bed or "a roll in the hay" and decided that he was the one.....or at least we all here hope not!
You guys are going to have to build on something.....something that can become a daily thing with each other to help you two reconnect.....and it could be something as simple as breakfast/lunch/dinner. It's time together and time to chat about something other than financial problems or the relationship talk. Like what the hell did you two talk about when you met? It wasn't relationship talk then.....was it talk about how cool it is to see TV in color? SEE!!!!!!! It wasn't relationship talk......what can you guys talk about now???????
By the way.....that last comment was to make you laugh....not to call me something bad!!!!
Well, H and I were virgins when we married. However, I was attracted to the man or I would not have married him in the first place. AmyC asked me why I married him in the first place and I never got around to answering her. Back then, that was the main goal for girls...getting married, having children, etc. It was almost impossible for women to support themselves and they were very dependent on marriage. However, that is not to say I did not love him when we married, but I did NOT feel like he was my BROTHER, either! There was sexual attraction or I could not have married him at all. But, there were problemes from the very beginning. We lived in the house with his mother, I got pregnant the first month of marriage....and on & on. But, the sex problems stated immediately and just got worse over the years. Everything else just added to the bedroom problems. He eventually stopped sleeping in the same room with me and then eventually stopped having sex at all.
I asked him last night what he would have done if I had come in one night and started loving all over him and he said he would have ate it up. That is the problems, you see, I COULDN'T do it! I knew he would respond and have sex if only I would make the first move, but I couldn't. So, I thought something was wrong with me! I was frigid or a freak without feelings. I knew I had need for sex, because I would masterbate. So embarrasing to admit, but I did. That was the only way I ever could have an orgasam. I never had a climax or even got aroused when I has sex with my H. He was tender, etc., but it just did not happen.
When I met the OM on the internet, I discovered that I have very normal sexual feelings. It was exciting for me. I was thrilled to find out that I was normal and not a freak. When my H discovered our messages to each other, he said the first thing he thought to himself was, "well, she is human after all". That broke my heart!
I know it is going to be extremely hard to overcome the temptation not to meet with the OM and have a PA. From what I have read, it is very exciting and thrilling and fullfills the sexual needs that every woman has. But, the fallout is not worth it. At least, that is what I keep telling myself.
I haven't told you guys, but my grown daughter discovered the messages before my husband did! She has known all this time what was going on. I wanted to die! I was so humiliated that I wanted to take my life....almost. I wouldn't but I wanted to just die from the embarrasement of knowing she discovered all the sexual content and knew what I had been doing. Now, I wonder if my grandson, who is grown, may have read it also. But, I don't want to know...I couldn't face it.
But, anyway, I am taking an hour at a time....I gave up on the day at a time. I just hope and pray that I will have the strength to overcome the temptation. Another thing, and maybe I have already said this, is the fact that the OM has offered me a secure future. I don't have that with my H now. I am scared about our future, which I have already explained.
The question that I can't seem to get out of my head is this...what if things don't work out with my H and me and then I have told the OM goodbye and don't have him either? I know, I know, it is wrong to think like that, but I can't help it. I tell you it is diffent when you get this age. Your self preservation starts to kick in. Some of you will think I am selfish, and maybe so, but I have raised my children and most of my grandchildren. I have always put everyone and everything before myself, even if it doesn't sound like it when I am trying to explain my story here.
It is too long of a story to get into, but I will just say this much...my children will not be able to take care of my H and me in our old age. We will have to go to a nursing home. I can't stand to think about that.
I know I seem old to most of you, but I don't feel like I have just turned 60. I still feel just like you do, I'm just in an older body...lol. I have needs, and yes even dreams, of being happy and having the most life can give me. I have always stood by my H and supported him. I have allowed him to be head of the home, etc., as I was taught in the church. The only thing he could say when I asked him how I had failed to fullfill him emotionally was that he felt I had not stood by him! I nearly fell over dead!
Anyway, I am just rambling again. I need a lot of encouragement to stay in the marriage. You see, if anyone suggest that I leave this H that doesn't support MY needs and doesn't supply the finances that our lives require at this time....I am afraid I won't have the strength to argue.
Sorry, that I am feeling down right now. It goes back to that "rollercoaster" ride.
Thanks to all of you for being here for me.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I have read this whole post...I have to repeat that I am glad that you came here...
My story is opposite of yours...in most respects...you see my H did the "online thing"...I found out and confronted him...he felt guilty and was willing to do what it took to fix things...we focused on the sexual part of our marriage...while we never went long without sex it wasn't fulfilling for him...I was a "sack of potatoes" when it came to participating...so he sought out the passion and excitement that he was not longer feeling with me...
Well long story short our sex life went from zip to WOW...but that wasn't really the problem...because about 4 years later my H again went online...but this time the EA grew and grew until he convinced himself that he would die without the OW...so he left me, our children, all of our friends...
I was devistated beyond belief...I really didn't think anything could hurt as much as when I found that stuff online...but it did...and I wanted to die because my heart ached so very much...even now the tears are there...if I even sit and think back on where were and where we are now I cry...so much could have been avoided if only....
if only he had really really talked to me...
if only he had not forsaken our marriage vows...
if only I had been the wife I should have been...
if only I had seen what was happening and did something...
if only....if only....if only
I can tell you for sure that if you don't give up the OM your marriage will end...I can tell you for sure that in time you will regret the decision to sell your soul for money...I can tell you for sure that you will lose the respect of your children and grandchildren...friends and family...I can tell you for sure that all the money in the world will not make your soul feel peace for what you did for it...
I have money problems...my H ran up over 100,000 in debt while he was gone...he will never have credit again (I pray he won't)...we couldn't keep our home and I had to find a place to live with my children and support them on my own...he spent all of our savings...over 70,000...he left me with a 20,000 debt that I am still paying on 3 years later...the money part of our life is a mess...but I can say that now that he is home and we have worked...and mean really worked on the problems that we had things are getting better then they were...sex is not a main issue because when he returned home he was diagnosed with ED...so far we haven't found a drug that works for him...but we still make love...it isn't the greatest...and maybe it won't ever be again...but I have my best friend back...one that I will grow old with...one that money can't buy....
Your OM has money...but you don't really KNOW him...my H found out that the OW wasn't all he thought...all he had built her up to be...H is lucky that he had a family to return to...most don't...there is NO GUARANTEE...the OM might have a good fling with you...no telling how many OW he has/is toying with...how many homes he has destroyed...these are things you won't find out by researching him on the internet or doing background checks...unless they have come up with a moral background check...you could give up your H, your family, your friends (the truth is while many might stay they will always think of you differently)...and you might find yourself in the same situation that you are in now...minus the financial problems....but that is a maybe, talk is cheap and have you actually seen his bank account? do you know for a fact that he has money?
Let me tell you a story...it is true
There was a woman who was in a situation much like yours...except her H did make a good living and was generous with her...
She got involved with a "man" online...they exchanged pictures...phone calls...but guess what?...he wasn't really a man!!!...she was ready to leave her H...begged this "OM" to rescue her...they carried on for a couple of years like this until "he" finally realized that it couldn't continue...there was even the cyber sex, she had a webcam and performed for "him"...sound familiar???..."he" never told her the truth because she was crushed enough when "he" let her go...she tried contacting him years later and said she was still not over him..
In the interim...of this "OM"...she became involved with another OM online...this one proffessed to be a pro golfer....having lots of money...wanted to meet her when he "was in town"...but some of her other friends found flaws in what he said...now she was an inteligent woman...she had been a working woman and really was smart...yet she didn't see the flaws...when they were pointed out to her she would confront him and he would smoothe talk her down...eventually this man confessed that he "adopted" the name and persona of this pro golfer...he was not wealthy, was in an unhappy marriage...but was willing to risk it all to be with her, the love of his life...even though they had never met and all of this was based on lies!!!
So your OM might be what he says...he might be part of what he says...he might be NOTHING of what he says...and you could throw away the opportunity to really make things right in your marriage, with your H....the man you KNOW and have known all your life...
I will also tell you this...my H was a virgin when we met...this was special to me to know he had never shared himself with another...I was crushed when he gave himself over to this OW...it was something that I greatly valued (I wasn't a virgin and always felt like less to him because of my foolish youthful errors)...that is FOREVER GONE...
You have much to think about...if I can help you at all please let me know...being from the other side...even though I am a W and not a H I can shed light on the feelings of the LBS...and even of the S that finds out about online stuff they never ever thought could happen to them!
It is 3:19 a.m. on Sunday morning. i could not sleep and came in to the computer to see if there were any response to my last post. I can never, ever thank you enough for what you have told me. I pray to God you will continue to talk to me. I need it so very much. I know in my heart what you say is the truth! I have told myself those very things over and over again, but then I get weak and discouraged and then go into the "grass is greener" mode.
May I ask a personal question? You said the sex went to "wow". May I ask what I can to do overcome my feelings right now...that being that I feel more like a sister-brother relationship. As I have explained, we have never had a satisfied sex life, which I always felt to blame for that. What can I do to overcome my feelings?
Another question...do you still think back to the things you found on line that were said between your H and the OW? By that, I mean does it weigh on your mind?
If I have lost the respect of my daughter, and maybe grandson, I just don't know what I will do. I was the last person on earth that I thought would ever fall into a trap like this.
I can never tell you how much I appreciate what you have told me. I know my H is a wonderful good hearted man. Yes, he drives me crazy by the debt he has gotten us into and I get mad because I don't feel like he has provided the life that we need. I panic now that we are looking at retiring in a few years and yet we can't afford to retire. He has already had one open heart surgery and don't know when he may have to have another one. I never told about that.
I sure would appreciate you telling me how or what you and your H did to work on your marriage. I admire you so much. I don't know how S can forgive in cases like ours, but I know my H loves me more than any man ever will. That makes me so ashamed and feel guilty that I can't be the wife he deserves.
If there is anything else you can share with me, I wish you would. Your letter gave me the encouragement I needed just at the right time, because I was about to check my email just to see if the OM had sent me anything.
I have also wondered if I should just not ever respond to his email again or if I should try to say good-bye. I tried to tell him good-bye a couple of times and would always weaken and return to him, so he may not pay much attention to my words.
Thanks again, you were a "God-send".
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
A thread will lock usually between 8-10 pages...that is when there are a lot of responses and it won't allow anymore replies to be made...when/if that happens you just start a new thread like you did this one...
You are welcome for my reply...if I could help in any way to save one other person in this world the pain of having a mate go from the EA to PA I would do all I could...
My word to you is view the OM as poison right now...if he truly loves you then he will certainly let you go...that is what all of us here have had to do at some point in order to hopefully win our S's back...if he keeps trying to contact you then send an email that simply states "I am married and need to act that way so I am saying good-bye. Please don't contact me ever again."...Then BLOCK his address and IM's...remember he is poison so don't even go for a peek or a taste it will suck you down and sicken you more....Really...he is willing to have an A with a married woman...in my book he doesn't require a good-bye....you OWE your H that respect not the OM who is willing to let you destroy your life just for him...that is a selfish man who is probably only seeking one thing...to gratify himself more...
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May I ask a personal question? You said the sex went to "wow". May I ask what I can to do overcome my feelings right now...that being that I feel more like a sister-brother relationship. As I have explained, we have never had a satisfied sex life, which I always felt to blame for that. What can I do to overcome my feelings?
My first suggestion is to really pray to view your H as your mate...think back on his good qualities and STOP the focus on his weaknesses...for me I had to force myself back into a love life with my H...once I started it did get easier...you don't have to go overboard, especially in your case since it has been so long, but start by holding his hand, touching his leg, rubbing his back...
As for the lack of a satisfying sex life...YOU know what turns you on...share that with him...this might mean at a time when you feel ready...sit him down and have a true heart to heart talk with him...tell him what "works" for you...tell him you want more then the "basic love life"...and you want it for BOTH OF YOU...
Basically to bring back the desire you have to WANT TO...when my H returned he didn't love me...it was a year before he could say he did...it took time for him to "get over the OW"...I know it will take you time to get over the OM...you will need to grieve the loss of him...I don't know how your H is but if he can take it talk to him about your feelings...if he can understand your feelings he might be able to help you...if not, you can still do this...it will be hard...and it WILL TAKE TIME...but like with any addiction the best thing you can do is cut it off cold turkey and never look back...keep focus on the fact that you have stated "no man will ever love me like my H"...begin to really believe that in your heart...and value it..
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Another question...do you still think back to the things you found on line that were said between your H and the OW? By that, I mean does it weigh on your mind?
I will be VERY honest with you...when it was the online thing it did weigh on my for a time...and every now and again I would remember...the PA...it still hits me in the heart sometimes...have I really forgiven my H...YES...but that doesn't really make one forget...it isn't as bad as it was 3, 2, or 1 year ago...it does keep getting better...but even now a tear is streaming down my cheek because I have to accept that what I once valued in him I will never again have...but the blame is not all his...I know he had choices...but the condition of our marriage was my responsibility as well...I only wish I knew then what I know now...I could have saves us all much heartache...
Back to the OM...is that email one you can inactivate?...if it is then do it...if it isn't then it will be a test for you but you need to let it go inactive...don't check it for anything...give your H the password if you need to and let him delete what he wants...DON'T KEEP A MOMENTO OF OM...don't hang on to a letter, IM, email, or anything else of sentiment...you will have to work so very hard to let this go...
I can relate...my H and I have NO retirement to look forward to...I am now working full-time and my girls both work part-time just to make ends meet...my H is looking for work but will never have the job he had before...he made good money...but you know what...the bible tells us not to be anxious about tomorrow because each day has it's own anxieties to deal with...all I can do is take care of today!...you need to adjust your focus...maybe YOU could get a job that would make some money you could invest in a CD or something...and it would keep you busy so you wouldn't have so much time on your hands to think about OM, computer, and problems...if you are not part of the cure you are part of the problem...become the cure...you can do it!
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I need to hear all of that right now. It will be a hard road. I think it helps a lot just to know that I have you and some others on here to talk with that have been down that road and understand how it is. You can tell me anything and I will appreciate it very much.
I do have a job. It probably is about the best I can get for my education and experience, etc. I have just a very tiny retirement plan, but it sure would not be enough to life on. MY H is drawing social security and it is so small that we can't even tell he has a check coming in every month. But, he is still trying to work...I just wish he would work more steady and we could get caught up on some bills before he gets where he can't work at all. But instead, it seems like we just get in deeper. Oh well, like you said....take care of this day with its problems...and don't be anxious about tomorrow.
Thanks again, and write anytime. I would love it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well I quit school in the 11 grade...although a straight A student...I did eventually get my equivilent to a diploma for what it is worth in todays market...
I had always had little piddly minimum wage jobs because H made a good living for us...his MLC started just before he was laid off from his career job...his job he worked up to from when he was 19 years old...so now at 49 they expect a college degree for what he did for nearly 30 years!...he only has a HS diploma although he is extremely smart...his last job was at Starbuck's so that tells you where we are at...
I now have a job with the School District that at least provides medical insurance (for now it is free but this coming year it will cost me)...my H has had many medical issues...I have in the past but seem to be getting healthier lately...I drive a school bus during the year for special needs children...and then during the summer I drive for our city summer camp programs...and supervise 11 teenagers on field trips everyday!...it is very draining and challenging...and the pay isn't great but it is more hours then I would get with summer school so I take it...I pray daily that my H will get a job to help pay some of his bills he left on me...and to "afford" to file bankruptcy for himself due to his mountain of debt that he can never pay back...but for now I am blessed with two daughters that are willing and able to help us out...though it really isn't fair to them...they had to start working at age 16 to help the family...and took more regular jobs after their father left us to help us live on our own...I have never filed for welfare and have managed on what I make even though I had to lie about my income to get our apartment because we really don't make enough to qualify for the rent...but I have a rent freeze for another year and if H gets a job we will make it...if not...then I will figure something out then...I would actually like to quit driving a school bus because the of the pressure from work...I love the job but the contract issues constantly being debated is very stressful to me...but right now we need the insurance...H had over 40,000 in medical costs last year that we only had to pay 20 for with my insurance...so for now I do what I don't want to and H keeps looking for something "he wants to do"...patience is a virtue that I am working diligently on right now...
You are not alone...maybe not the norm of those hear but really the issues are the same...we have to change ourself before we can expect changes in our marriage...
I didn't fully address the questions on what you can do for your sex life...but in time as things progress we can go there...for now you need to get yourself straight, get rid of OM, focus on the positives in your marriage and your H....my H's counselor told him that he was fortunate he had a wife who "truly loved him because most women would have kicked him to curb by now" and she doesn't even know about his A!...so consider yourself fortunate that you have an H who loves you enough to give you a choice...because had he made it for you...you might have found out you were worse off without him!...and then there would be no turning back...
So focus focus focus...positive positive positive...and take care of you...honestly evaluate your part and make a plan to work on something...anything...that will improve the R/M you have now...
It is amazing what you told me that we have in common. The jobs, education, etc. After years of paying insurance for my H I finally got him to apply for VA assistance and he had it within two weeks. I resented the years that I paid out very expesnive health insurance because I could not get him on my group and had to pay for private insurance. All that time he could have been receiving VA assistance but he would not even check into it. He is the worst procasternator I have ever seen in my life. Anyway, that helped when he finally did that. It relieved me of over 500 dollars a month. But, he just keeps getting deeper in debt and I can't help but worry if we will lose the house.
Our two grown children are both on disability. They will never be able to hold down a job and they are so young. But, that is why I said they would never be able to take care of us in our old age. We have tried to help them all we could, and our grandson, but it has just causes us more debt. I told H the other night that we were going to have to stop doing that and just take care of ourselves because nobody else could. He agreed but I don't know how we get it across to the children without breaking their hearts. I don't want my daughter to sit over there without anything to eat and not tell us...and she would do that if we ever say anything about not giving her anymore money. So, it puts us between a rock and hard place.
This afternoon I feel a little tiny more positive and I will try to think on a "plan" for the R. I don't know where to start. I think to pray real hard is a good place, don't you? I have prayed all the way through this mess, and even though it doesn't feel like God has heard me, I know He has because He is sending help to me through friends like you.
Thank you so much....again. I know what you shared with me is private and it makes me feel closer to you,even though we have never met. I feel like I have found a new friend...and that makes me happy. Even though I am older than you, you seem to be very wise and I admire that.
I don't know how you feel about "accountablity", but I think that I am the kind of person that probably needs to have someone that they can give an account to on a daily basis. I think that is what some people on here do when they call it "venting".
I have not told the OM good-bye. However, I have not made contact with him either. For me, that is a step. Maybe just a baby step, but hey, it's better than what I was doing. I am trying to give myself time to get stronger. You see, I did all the other stuff, deleting him, etc, but then I just found him again, so it didn't work. I was not strong enough then, so I have to build my strength up. I know that every time I go to the computer that I could find him at anytime. So, I guess it is like an alcoholic that has to keep a bottle in the cabinet.
Again, any time you can drop me a few line....or pages (lol) I would love to hear from you.
All the people that have responded to me have helped so much. Thanks to everyone and please keep on do it.
Sandi2
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
