Hi ya'll. The past 24 hours have been a cram session with tons of reading that I found on the net. I downloaded two books and was up all night reading them. They completely described me and what I am going throught...and it never even mentioned MLC. It backed up what I have read from you guys. I have not received my book on DR yet, but I think it will go hand in hand with the advice. It was good for me to read it and yet it was sad. It was the slap in the face I needed. I know that I will never have anyone that loves me as much as my H does. I know that I have to face the damage that I have done to the R.
The thing that really hit me was that the emotional feelings I have toward the OM is because it is "new" and "sinful" and exciting. If I allow the EA to turn into a PA then I have dug my grave deeper. The phyical will be exciting and thrilling beyond anything I have felt before...according to that book. However, in time, if I should choose the OM, it would wear off and I would be in the same R as I find myself now. That is what some of you have tried to tell me. Or, I have read so much lately I have forgotten exactly who or where I got it, but the thing is I finally get it. The book broke it down into 4 stages and the third is where the W is in limbo as to what she wants to do. That is where I am now. But, I will not have a PA after reading that book. It scared me. I don't want to go through the hell that I would be opening myself up for. According to the book, I would be going through a vicious cycle of repeating everything again and again until my emotional state would finally break down completely. I don't want to live like that.
I know what I have go to do. The thing is to find the strength to do it. The first step is saying goodbye....and mean it...to the OM. According to the book, I will go through a time of "grieving". That is where I will need you guys to keep me encouraged...ok?
Also, I know I have to take baby steps every day to work on my M. I feel like I took a hugh step last night reading all that information. The book explained why I don't have the feeling of being in love and that it feels more like a brother-sister relationship. Makes sense to me. Don't know how long it may take to work through that part of it. But, why would I want to leave this R just to find myself in another one just like it in a few years to the OM? I'm too old to go from one R to another and then another, etc. Besides, I'm not cut out for that kind of life.
I may have to come here several times a day just to talk out my thoughts or ask for advice from you who are quickly becoming friends. Thanks for your support. Today is the first time in months and months that I have felt the least bit of encouragement. And, maybe that is not even the correct word. I just know what I have to do to break out of the "limbo" stage. Instead of saying, "I don't know what I want or I don't know what to do"....I DO know what to do!
Please don't think for a second that I have my act together because I am a long way from that! Please don't stop writing to me because I need accountablity. I think I was almost getting approval from my mother (without her even realizing what she was doing) to leave my husband. That was dangerous. She was really fed up with his not working and I played on that to get her approval for me to leave him and for her to accept the OM.
My first step is to say good-bye to the OM. God, I need strength to do that!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey sandi....this is great to hear! I think it is awesome that someone like you had it "click" in like it did. The hardest part of YOUR journey is exactly what you wrote....saying good bye to "Mr swept me off my feet on the internet" guy.
You can rest assured that you will get all the back up you need here to help you stay strong. It will be great to read about your Success Story in a few months.....and know that you had made the right decision to really and honestly work to save your marriage of 41 years.
Damn.....that is really cool.....and remember....ya need to vent?...need to journal?....need to ask questions?....do it here!!!!
Last thing I want to say is.....don't be impatient on an answer....you WILL get one...maybe not as soon as you would like but you WILL get one!
Now....on a fun note.....sneak up on Mr Right that is in the house......and just whisper this......*whispered*...I'm not wearing any panties..........and walk away
Thank guys for your infput. The thing is that right now I do not have any sexual desire for my H at all. None! I feel more like a sister-brother relationship. So, it is going to take some miracle for me to get those feelings to change over to Husband-wife. Remember we have not been intimate in eleven years. That is longer than some people on this site were ever married.
My other stuggle that I have mentioned but not expounded on was the fact that I feel very insecure about our finances and our future. He doesn't work very much and we are in terrible debt. I don't see any way out in the next few years and we are not getting any younger for sure. I never know when our health may fail and we can't work at all, etc. Now, I realize that is true with almost everyone these days. But, when you are younger, you have that "hope" that things will be more stable when you get into your 60's. You need security when you reach this age. Not knowing that you may loose your home because your H has gotten so behind on the payments is not a good feeling. He doesn't seem worried about it, but I am!
I am not just trying to find things to use for excuses and I hope it doesn't sound like that is what I'm doing. I am just venting about some of those things that I am struggling with. When my own mother is fed up with him, then I know it must be serious, because she was always in his "corner" before. But, she doesn't understand why he is not trying harder to work and to clean up around the place, etc. to do the things that I have expressed to him that would help my feelings. What do you all think about it?
Have any of you been in my situation about the sexual feelings...or I should say the lack of sexual feelings for their mate? I am really worried that I may not ever feel as though I can have sex with him again. He has not tried to kiss me, and I am glad because right now, I could not bear for him to touch me.
We had a long talk last night and I was plain with my feelings and told him I did not know if I would/could ever return to being like I once was. He wants the old wife back...and so do I, but I just don't know. I am still on that "rollercoaster" of emotions. I thought I was going to completely loose it the other day...like having a nervous break-down, and it was over nothing. One day I think maybe I can work it out and the next day I think that I won't be able to remain in the same house with him.
So, I hope this has not discourage you that was so happy for me when I gave the update about find that book on line. I am just saying that I have a long, long way to go. A lot of work has got to be done on both of us. If, I could just get the sexual desire for him, I know everything else would work out. If I can't, then I don't think any of it will work.
Any advice would be appreciated.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
oh, btw, the information about those books can be found at http://www.womensinfidelity.com. You can download the books right there. They are written by Micelle Langley. They are very informative. She talks about being four stages. The first book is about the fist and second stage and the next book is the last two, but both are very, very good. Since I am in stage 3, I read both books. It was what I needed to read. Although, now, the hard part really starts.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
If you think back.........WWWAaaaaaaayyyyyy back when....it was not sex that made you fall in love with him....it was his friendship and genuine care of you and your feelings. He may still have this towards you but please don't have the mindset of...If there's no sex....there's no marriage".
....and walk away 