Sandi, not much to add but just wanted to say how very happy I am that you have found this site, how brave you are to post here and what wonderful advice you are getting from Was2Sad and Amy. Two very insightful people so please continue to listen.
I think that at some point, for this to work with your H, you will need to make an absolute decision to commit to making it work. No more waffling. Can't keep OM on the back burner just in case. You will need to end it with him and end it forever. You will need to take ownership for your part in this and apologize up and down for it. You will need to try and meet his needs...only then will your needs be met. You must give in order to receive....but receive you will. In our Rs we affect each other. If you are positive and loving around him, he will respond and be the same around you. We feed off each other...good and bad. For a long time, that has been negative for you...but you can make a decision to flip the switch and make it positive. It's a choice.
Hey guys, what is the longest you have known anyone to be married that got divorced? Just curious.
I work for an attorney and I have handled divorces of couples married over 25 years.
How devastating for their grandchildren, whose parents have to explain that Grandma and Grandpa stayed together all until they were grown but "then they got a divorce so now we'll have to juggle and go to two places for Christmas and two places every Easter and hey, your birthday parties might be awkward for a few years, too, but what the hell, nothing lasts forever! Sorry kids."
How devastating for their grandchildren, whose parents have to explain that Grandma and Grandpa stayed together all until they were grown but "then they got a divorce so now we'll have to juggle and go to two places for Christmas and two places every Easter and hey, your birthday parties might be awkward for a few years, too, but what the hell, nothing lasts forever! Sorry kids."
This is EXACTLY what people don't get. The inconvenience and the tearing apart the kids suffer from. My W thinks D3 will be fine. She is clearly suffering from separation anxiety. She is here and there. Stability is difficult.
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Wow Sandi2. I admire you coming here to get help before making this decision. I wish all wives would do this! I will read your thread to see what I can offer to you.
OneWish
OneWish's Story
"We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."
Sandi2- Great advice from the other posters-please listen! I think just the fact that you've come here shows that there is part of you that doesn't want to leave your H. Can you try to focus on the good things about him? Is there anything that you like to do together? Can you start dating again- getting to know each other again? I know this sounds so simple, but it's a place to start and how can it hurt? Hang in there.
Sandi2 - Have you ever seen the Mort Fertel stuff? I would get a copy of his CDs - Marriage Fitness. It talks about all the things you need to do to "build love" again. It doesnt just happen, Love is something you do for someone else, not the other way around.
Unless you make an effort as SadMomof3 talks about, it is likely to just fizzle out. Think about it. People love your children for what they do for them, not the other way around!
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Thanks to all of you for your words of advice. I have read so much over the years. I have stayed with H for the sake of the children and grandchildren for 41 years....so then I guess comes the great-grandchildren(lol). Sorry, I'm being sarcastic and I shouldn't because I asked you all to talk to me and you have been kind enough to do that. I said that because, really I am embarrased about being this old and going through the stuff you younger people have gone through. We should be past it. Anyway, I asked you to "let me have it" and that's what I need. It's just that I want you to know that this is not just something that started a few months ago. Yes, I got involved with OM on line back last November, but the unhappiness and struggles have been ongoing for all these years and i hung in here sticking it out. H feels as though he has done the best he can, so I guess it is all up to me now. I am terrified at the thought of this being a MLC (for a lack of a better title) because of the length of time I hear others talk about it taking.
Today, I thought I was losing my mind. I don't know what I would do if I did not have my poor mother to unload on...and of course, you guys. I want to cry at the drop of a hat. I was on a lot of anti-depression meds and one doctor got me off of that. I do not want to go back on them because I could tell no difference in my feelings when taking them. I know some people have to have them and I even advised some to do that. I just couldn't tell they helped me. I know that I have been depressed a long time and I have to fight it every day.
I tell you all this because don't let me get to having a "pity party"....ok? I need to have friends to talk to me, but I know there are times I need "tough love" applied to me also. Thanks Amy for being that way with me.
If it is MLC (or not) ....I can see the selfishness in the things I feel and say. I can read it in the things others have posted about their w/h. I do feel like I have devoted my entire life to my family and, like some others, want to have this time for me. But then I have to ask myself...at what price?
Well, I'm just rambling again. Anyway, thanks to all of you for talking to me. I need you guys. Hopefully, I will receive my DR book in a few days. I have listen to the first couple of tapes of "Keeping Love Alive" from Michelle. If you think there are some others that may fit my situation better, please tell me which ones.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
One more thing I meant to mention. We were going to have "talks" about our R every day. We talked about three times and that was as far as it got. He mentioned it once when I was on here one night....asking if we were going to have our nightly chat and that he was really tired. I said it was ok if he wanted to pass because I was reading things on here. That was the last time it has come up, which was the first part of this week. Should I press it or wait until he asks again?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I sure hope things become more clear for you. Maybe this will help, if not maybe someone else.
cire
LOVE & LIFE
This story tells us something about LOVE & LIFE.
My husband is S/W Engineer by profession, I love him for his steady nature and I love the warm feeling when I lean against his broad shoulders.
Two years of courtship and now, five years into marriage, I would have to admit, that I am getting tired of it. The reasons of me loving him before, has now transformed into the cause of all my restlessness.
I am a sentimental woman and extremely sensitive when it comes to a relationship and my feelings. I yearn for the romantic moments, like a little girl yearning for candy. My husband is my complete opposite; his lack of sensitivity, and the inability of bringing romantic moments into our marriage has disheartened me about LOVE.
One day, I finally decided to tell him my decision, that I wanted a divorce.
"Why?" he asked, shocked.
"I am tired. There are no reasons for everything in the world!" I answered.
He kept silent the whole night, seemingly in deep thought. My feeling of disappointment only increased. Here was a man who was not able to even express his predicament, so what else could I expect from him?
And finally he asked me: "What can I do to change your mind?"
Somebody said it right... It's hard to change a person's personality, and I guess, I have started losing faith in him.
Looking deep into his eyes I slowly answered: "Here is the question. If you can answer and convince my heart, I will change my mind.
Let's say, I want a flower located on the face of a mountain cliff, and we both are sure that picking the flower will cause your death. Will you do it for me?"
He said: "I will give you your answer tomorrow...." My hopes just sank by listening to his response.
I woke up the next morning to find him gone, and saw a piece of paper with his scratchy handwriting underneath a milk glass, on the dining table near the front door, that goes....
My dear, "I would not pick that flower for you, but....please allow me to explain the reasons further.....
This first line was already breaking my heart. I continued reading.
"When you use the computer you always mess up the Software programs, and you cry in front of the screen. I have to save my fingers so that I can help to restore the programs.
You always leave the house keys behind, thus I have to save my legs to rush home to open the door for you.
You love traveling but always lose your way in a new city. I have to save my eyes to show you the way.
You always have the cramps whenever your "good friend" approaches every month. I have to save my palms so that I can calm the cramps in your tummy.
You like to stay indoors, and I worry that you will be infected by infantile autism. I have to save my mouth to tell you jokes and stories to cure your boredom.
You always stare at the computer, and that will do nothing good for your eyes. I have to save my eyes so that when we grow old, I can help to clip your nails and help to remove those annoying white hairs. So I can also hold your hand while strolling down the beach, as you enjoy the sunshine and the beautiful sand...and tell you the colour of flowers, just like the colour of the glow on your young face...
Thus, my dear, unless I am sure that there is someone who loves you more than I do... I could not pick that flower yet, and die ... "
My tears fell on the letter, and blurred the ink of his handwriting... and as I continue on reading... "Now, that you have finished reading my answer, and if you are satisfied, please open the front door for I am standing outside bringing your favorite bread and fresh milk...
I rushed to pull open the door, and saw his anxious face, clutching tightly with his hands, the milk bottle and loaf of bread....Now I am very sure that no one will ever love me as much as he does, and I have decided to leave the flower alone...
That's LIFE, and LOVE. When one is surrounded by love, the feeling of excitement fades away, and one tends to ignore the true love that lies in between the peace and dullness.
Love shows up in all forms; even in very small and cheeky forms. It has never been a model. It could be the dullest and most boring form ...
Flowers, and romantic moments are only used and appear on the surface of the relationship. Under all this, the pillar of true love stands... AND THAT'S LIFE
Me 48 X's vary S 27 S 18 Back with high school sweety after 30 years..
