"Thinking about adding something like this to the letter, but not sure where to fit it in:
I've tried to figure out what I did to you that was deserving of these lies and this nightmare in general, but have come to accept that maybe it is something I will never understand.
Too much blame? "
I can't tell if you are being serious or not. Assuming you are, yes, it is too much blame.
You are still trying to work out problems in your old M. Your old M does not exist. Both you and H will have to work through those problems in a new R, whether it is with each other or with OPs. But, those problems will be addressed in the context of an R between romantic partners. You are not romantic partners now. There is no current need for you to address such problems.
Try journaling. Get a journal and write letter after unsent letter to H. But don't send them. It is not appropriate. It is not going to help you reconcile. It is not going to help you move on. It is not going to help you be better co-parents. Let the old M go and focus on yourself.
I'd say moreover, after she meets with her L and is sure a move is not going to hurt her legal position in a D.
There really is no need for communication on this stuff other than, when it is time and necessary, "BTW H, I have decided a move is the best thing for, the boys and I will be moving out on such and such a date."
And this was already a short letter, coming from me! Have given myself more time before giving him the letter - probably by the end of the month. That'll give me some time to come up with something better and more concise. Also, with all that's going on, I'm a little too emotional right now and don't want to be when the time comes to talk to him about this. Need to just let things settle down for a while.
Regarding the D, I think I'm going to hold off on that for now too. H is not making enough money but will be within the next year (although he owes so much that he'll be paying people off for years to come). I know that I am entitled to child support and alimony, but I can do without. The only reason I want it is because if I don't take it, OW will. So because he's really not making much now, there is no point for me to file. The D is just a piece of paper to me anyway, at this point. If later there is even less for me, I see it as nothing lost because I never expected it to begin with.
Thanks oldtimer and IMP. I'm gonna re-read your suggestions and re-write my letter. Soon...
Dom: I can see how you would read that sentence that way, but it was not intended to refer to happiness. But since it could be misread that way, I will probably leave it out. Thanks.
BTW, H claims that he is "completely satisfied" in his sitch now. Yeah, right! He's hundreds of thousands in debt and doesn't look happy to anyone he knows! Totally delusional.
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
BTW, H claims that he is "completely satisfied" in his sitch now. Yeah, right! He's hundreds of thousands in debt and doesn't look happy to anyone he knows! Totally delusional.
I don't think I've posted to you before, but this caught my attention.
My W is also delusional. She is not suffering from Panic attacks. She ignores anything that I tell her about how our children are depressed. She tells me that everything will be better when she gets her own place and how everyone will be happy but then she tells my S7 that the place that she is moving to is a dump.
However, this dulusional state is a good thing in my mind. To me it says that this whole thing is a function of them not being well rather than reasons that they actually state. Patience, Patience, Patience.
M35 W37 S9 D6 M12 yrs Know 15 yrs Bomb 1/28/07 My Sitch Failure is the opportunity to start again more intelligently - Henry Ford
Still hoping, just be prepared of anything H may do. Remember, H is not H now, he is an alien. And an alien influenced by OW. Some of the things he may try (no matter how impossible it may seem): - get a quick divorce from you (w or w/o ground) - get custody of the kids - cancel your visa suddenly - come running back to you and ask for forgiveness (2x4 time, this one is unlikely at this point, just an inappropiate joke) - discuss with you about keeping the kids himself (which may happen) - have his family talk to you (nice or otherwise) and try to influence the outcome towards his preference - his family may try to talk you into smoething. be prepared for that - no reaction, and let you do whatever you want (this will be hard on you emotionally)
Just be prepared as much as you can so you can remain a dignified person in front of him no matter what. I am guessing it will be at least a few difficult days after you tell him adn the family finds out about it. Will you be able to take care of the kids, after those days, instead of relying on his family?
take care
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
H stopped by this morning to pick up passports. I explained what he would need to get extensions on all of our permits (which I had already told him yesterday, but he still hadn't done anything about). I had our other IDs stuck inside his passport, on the page of the missing visa and opened it to show him where the IDs were.
Just as he was about to leave, I said with a big smile "It's a felony to tamper with your passport, y'know..."
His reply was "Huh?" and then "What?" and then he started to drive off.
A few hours later, he dropped by again to give our passports back to me, with permits extended for 10 years. Phew. Am relieved to have them back in my hands.
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
