I am going to leave the office. Be home a little later and want to take another read through your situation. I just want to make sure I understand everything. Also, it isn't a bad idea to give it one more thought yourself and think about the response you might get.
I sincerely hope that you have found in your new relationship what I wasn't giving you in ours. I don't doubt that she's good to you and that your feelings for her are true,...
What's up with that??? I'd say just snip that bit right out, and leave in the stuff immediately following it!
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I read back through to see if anything new jumped out. Firstly, if you are sure this is the right move for you, then the letter is a good one.
Now, let me play devil's advocate. Your H decides no way the kids leave, then what. You could have trouble on your hands. I am sure you are aware of it.
Next. Your son. I know you said he doesn't want to leave, but that you can't base your life on what a 5-year old wants. Why doesn't he want to leave?
Are you leaving out of far? How far away will you be? I am asking because this is a big move. I know you have said a number fo times that you are done. If you are, no problem. It isn't a bad thing to think things through one more time.
Dom: The reason for that statement was to take my responsibilty for the failure of our M, which I have never admitted to him. I know that having him make himself a hot dog for dinner literally once or twice while I had 2 small kids to take care of is not grounds for a D, but looking back, there are times that I could/should have been more attentive to him. Also, in a way, I hope that he will maybe question his current R and see that it's not all that great and he's still the empty shell he was when he left. He certainly does not appear any happier.
IMP: My fave critic. (You're not a C, are you? You should be...) Thanks for taking the time to look back through my sitch. Honestly, I haven't really considered him not letting me take the kids because he's accepted that it could happen and in an old letter said that that was what was hurting him the most. Legally, I don't think there are laws here that would forbid it, should I get custody (which, after consulting a lawyer, I would most definitely, since I am the sole caregiver). As for a response from him, I'm not expecting anything. Maybe a little bit of him going deeper in to the tunnel, if anything.
My son doesn't want to leave because, well, besides being 5, this is the only life he knows. He loves his life here and is a pretty sensitive guy who doesn't easily adapt to change. When I spoke to him about it the other night, I said that I feel bad about leaving because it will make one set of grandparents (my parents) very happy that we will be living closer to them, but make his other grandparents very sad that we are leaving. S5 said "What about Daddy? I think Daddy will be sad." He adores his dad and believes his every lie. He's perfectly happy at home with me, but can't wait for Saturday to come to spend the weekend at his grandma's house with his cousins and dad, which he does every week.
I am absolutley not leaving out of fear (is that what you meant?). Actually, I'm still trying to figure out why you would ask that (is there something deeper that I'm not seeing?). I will be several countries away, but about 5-6 hours by plane (and a visa) in a country where H doesn't speak the language. The main reason I'm leaving is to be financially responsible for myself (ok, with the help of my parents) rather than feeling like I am living under H and H's family. Also, I have very few good friends here anymore. Too much has been revealed to me about the events surrounding my H's A. Friends' H's were also admittedly involved in their own A's and I am having a hard time listening to my friends' (mostly my best friend's) thoughts and comments on what I should do when she herself is totally clueless about her H's A's (yes, plural). Last week's comment was something about "seeing the signs" and the other day it was "why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?". Understandably, she is trying to help the best way she knows how, but is completely naive.
Anyway, a lot of my time here is spent with his family because they help me watch the kids when I am at work and always welcome me for dinner. I admit, I do hang out at the house too much (H is not there except on weekends), but I enjoy having people to share my kids with. The family has so many issues that I don't understand and are very secretive with each other. I end up getting hurt by feeling they are not telling me things, although I know their intentions are not to hurt me. They just have a very strange way of dealing with things and are notorious for avoiding issues. I don't want my boys to grow up that way. On top of that, H's restaurant is closing and now BIL (H's sister's H) has borrowed money from his own father to turn the restaurant around. According to H, H will have nothing to do with it. According to SIL, H does have something to do with it and has shares in the company. Undoubtedly, H will convince BIL to keep his skank employed so that she can retain her work permit and stay in the country. In the end, no matter what she did before being saved by H, H is their blood and his family will accept her.
The only reason I can think of to stay would be to have an easy life - pretty much be a "kept" woman by H's family. It's just not me.
So this was a little longer than I planned, but it's helped me... sorry, no time to proof read either...
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
I asked about fear to cover all the bases. Just making sure that it wasn't the fear that you would have to do it all on your own in the country that you currently live. That's all.
The biggest difficulty I have seen is the son and his love for his father. Just make sure you are ready for a reaction from your H. And be ready for one from son when you move.
But my whole motive in my prior post was to get you to think things through one more time before you send the email. No doubt this is a sad time that things came to this, but you have been fairly resolute in your plan. Fortunately, 5 hours isn't too far for a dad to travel to see his son.
Thinking about adding something like this to the letter, but not sure where to fit it in:
I've tried to figure out what I did to you that was deserving of these lies and this nightmare in general, but have come to accept that maybe it is something I will never understand.
Too much blame?
As for the latest news (the hits keep coming!), got some major anger and annoyance from H this morning from me trying to get his old passport which I needed to renew our permits (oh yeah - he ended up not going with us to get them after he said he would). I remained calm and as kind as I could be and seemed to settle him down a bit and get him to help me out in the end. When I got his passport, I realized why he was so reluctant to let me have it. He had removed 2 visas that were in there to her country. I knew that he had gone there once last year to see her (he told me it was for business) but obviously, he had gone again (maybe to bring her back here) and didn't want me to see that. Not sure if he realized or just didn't care that the consulate places a stamp half on the visa sticker and half on the passport page for both visas (probably so visas can't be transfered and tampered with). There would have been absolutely no reason for him to remove the visa if he had only gone once, since we were still together during that time and I was fully aware of it. Definitely trying to cover something up.
The second little bit of information I got was that his restaurant/company was incorporated 5 days after we split last year. Which means he was planning this while we were still together. Unbelievable. According to friends, he had taken several trips to try to sell the idea to investors months before we split and was intending for me to never find out that he was behind the restaurant. (Did I ever mention that restaurant has her last name in it?)
Somehow, he stupidly believes that I still don't know about OW. Thinks that he got away with it by using another name when he introduced her (duh! it was the same fake name she gave me last year!) I think because the old me would have confronted him immediately on all of the things I've discovered, so he really thinks that because I haven't said anything, I don't know anything.
Have also learned that the place he is staying in is crap. An old run down place - which - here's the kicker - he's sharing with at least 2 of her friends! So all together, there are 4 of them staying in a tiny, crappy place. And their rent is 2 months past due. I should add that this is someone who had his own HOUSE on the beach in an exclusive neighborhood while he was in college. Besides me, never even had a roommate before because he hates living with other people. Whatever!
I need to pass him mine and kids' passports in the morning so that he can finish with the permits. Have to continue to be nice out of fear that he won't return passports to me, then I'm really screwed. Will try to sit on the letter a while longer if I can control myself. Oh yeah - on the forms, it asks about marital status, with "separated" being an option. I asked him if he thought checking that box would lower my chances of getting permit renewed and he said maybe, so guess he will be checking "married" on his form too.
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
Take care of things one at a time. You need the passports. Don't say anything else. Hold the email. You send it when all your ducks are in a row. You can say too much too soon and screw up your plans.
Way too much info, way too intrusive (H does not want to be in your memories and in your family forever), way too much everything. Quit trying to win him back, make the light bulb come on, etc. Stick to the basics.
Dear H,
I have decided to move as I believe it is the best thing for the boys and me to share a healthy and happy family life. This is a move for me and for my life with the boys, it is not meant to exclude you, their father, from the boys life. Let me know when you would like to discuss visitation.
I wish you happiness. I will quit acting as though you are accountable to me in your personal life. Your Rs with any OP are really your business at this point. I guess I get concerned about how our sons will take things in time, but that is my problem. It is really your job to manage your R with them, I recognize that it is inappropriate for me to try to do so.
Thank you for giving me the two greatest gifts of my life, S5 and S2.
