Is it too late after doing EVERYTHING wrong?

[NotAgainPlease]

Im going to post here what I posted to NOMO. A little of our C history.

I (we) too went to Imago Counseling. The whole time we were there my H said he was only their to learn to communicate with me re the kids. They really stress this on the sessions. Probably that is the only way they can get the resistant spouse in. We went 4 times and really got know where. Mostly because H kept saying he was done. No way would we get back together we were talking about our issues and it got pretty hot at times. Then I found out about OW was really PA not just a friend and he had been lying about it and we stopped. I believe the dialog is rally good. We were going to start that but we stopped going. If do reconcile I really think that would be important. Be glad your W is participating with you. C feels that if you learn to communicate you bring feelings back! I hope so for you.

Someday I will learn how to quote :}.
As far as love language, I too could put my self in one category. I am all over the board! Also, I kept going back to where they would say, in the books, that you need to do the things that you did when you first were together. 1) If they don't want to be with you, How? 2) I just couldn't figure out exactly what that was. It has been 12 years for God's sake! . Then the light bulb went off. It wasn't going out, flowers etc. for us it was Sex. We were young and had no one but ourselves to worry about. I honestly didn't realize the importance of it! Anyway, you are doing a great job. You are so much more loyal and structured about all of this than me. I am so fly by the seat of the pants person. Usually gets me in trouble. That's probably why I fought him tooth and nail for 5 months. I knew in my head it was wrong I had been through it with my first H. Did it all wrong and pushed him to the OW. I just fell in the same hole again. But I did eventually get out!

Keep up the great work! It's seems like you are getting some progress out of your W. I swear all H/W are programmed to SAY the something. How and why I don't know but they all do. Weird.

S

[NotAgainPlease]

Lin,



I think yours and my husband could be one in the same. I so glad you found me!

I know he had a choice and he is feeling things. HE is just so scared too. Kids, going back to the old ways, me not continuing what I have started etc. I really understand. I would never want to do this again to the kids or ME again. Are you kidding?

My H says he never thought about me either. Also, never really thought he love me or knew what love meant as well. They are so a like! So when he said he had been thinking about us I was floored. Just gotta keep on going!

As far as it going so fast, that is why I'm happy that we have these breaks. It gives him a chance at alone time to process.
I too am not into sharing. H said he was not sleeping with OW. Swore up and down. That was not the truth. Said it was none of my business. I think he didn't want to hurt me either. Actually I wish I would have known. It would have been easier to understand his anger/moods and I would have not said or done some things I did. Oh well, water under the bridge now.

It's kind of exciting and becoming a game now. Not to make light of it but it sure feels better than before. I just have to keep positive.

S

[imLIN]

There were a few times after H's beginning to return that he would stay away for a few days...I didn't panic...or call him all the time...soon he was calling me to tell me when he would be home...or where he was...somehow this really created a sense of trust in me because before he would tell me it was none of my business and this was when we were still together before he left!

I do see a lot of positives....and based on my own experience you still have a lot of reason to hope...and hear you that you don't ever want to go through this again...I know I wasn't supposed to say this to H but I did...I told him "I am sticking my neck out here. I don't think I could do this ever again. I certainly wouldn't be doing this if I thought this had no chance of working out."...we talked about the kids...of course H said all along "the kids will be fine, they are old enough."...but again I think this is to convince them that they aren't really hurting people that they love!...but the truth is they do hurt their children...and eventually they have to face that too...but I think that is way down the road when the kids feel safe enough that they can verbalize that to their dad...

The breaks are good...keeps you GAL...that is something that I have maintained...I used to be afraid to leave H at home alone after he returned...but I had to force myself to go do things for me...he notices...and I now I am more at ease with myself and him...I don't/won't live my life revolving around him...if he doesn't want to go or do something I want to do...I will go without him...not all the time but enough to show him and myself that I am an independant person, capable of taking care of myself emotionally and physically...

So keep towing that load....there is a down hill side eventually!

Take care....Lin

[NotAgainPlease]

Lin,


I swear all WAS are programmed to say the same thing. Where do they learn the lingo? It is sooo strange. When I read yours and other post the reasoning is the same. There must be a secret manual they follow. My H too said the kids will be fine, they will bounce back...Right!!!

I agree I need to keep GAL and moving on and not show that I'm going to sit around. H asked or commented that I would be going out this weekend. I said yes, No kids why not...We'll see if he calls or thinks about it this weekend away.
The only thing I have done that I'm not sure follows the book is that I act as if we are not getting back together. I have found that if I have mentioned it he would have backed off or give me the never never line. So I have not said that I wanted him back. We are just friends and just getting along. Sort of being there for each other to see what happens. I don't want to pressure him or make him think I am doing this to get him back. He has asked several times why I'm being so nice and I say I just want to get along. I he said you'll get mad at me and we'll get in a fight over something. WA is always testing and skeptical?? We have to pa bills today and I have not been looking forward to this. If there is going to be a fight it will be here. I told him yesterday I have been dreading this because it always makes him so grouchy and I feel like I have to fix his attitude. I am determined not to fight and just ignore him and let him be. Last time he did and he got upset I just ignored him and he commented the next day that was good. What he wanted to do. I wanted to say if we didn't have to maintain 2 households we wouldn't be in this sitch. I did say one time it's not going to get better if we divorce. So this is my challenge for the day! I'm going to need the whole roll of DT today!!!I think since we talked about it yesterday how I was worried about us fighting I have diffused the fire???

Any advice on whether I should tell him my agenda of getting back together. Not that he doesn't know. He does I have told him enough prior. I have not said I love him either. It's just my experience it puts him on the defensive when I do and I don't want to go backwards.


I have a long way to go and need to be patient. I know there will be many obstacles. It's nice to put them down here to get opinions and to think them out.

I really am looking forward to this weekend he will be away with the kids. I want to see the results when H comes back. But then again there may be nothing. I won't let that stop me from my goal.

S

[Nomopo]

Any advice on whether I should tell him my agenda of getting back together.

Why would you do that?

Not that he doesn't know. He does I have told him enough prior.

I'm thinking you just answered your own question.[/quote]

[NotAgainPlease]

Thanka Nomo,

I guess what I was trying to get at is that from DB I got that we should express feelings,I love you, etc. I wasn't sure how important that is. Guess in my case not!
My H & I are in a wierd place right now. Like BF but sleep together and kind of a casual relationship. We talk about things like we have no emotional feelings. Like what if I get a boy/girlfriend what will they think? I said what do you need a GF for if you have me? He said oh ya, your right. He is very careful about his words and doesn't volunteer feelings. Like I said if you are not happy wth us now the way we are or you don't want to be with me??? He said did I say I didn't?? I said no. Then said well then? He said maybe this is a trap? I said no maybe you are? For all I know you are still w/ OW. He said no but you have every right to think that.

I guess I'm over thinking..I need to go with it. I guess this is part of my process. There is no manual and I just need to follow the path created. It's working so far so I'll keep it up. I can't reading other threads and think mine will be the same. My sitch seems so out there the way I'm going about it. Thats life! I'm just babbling hear but its good to think it out here and get input.
Thanks,

S

[Nomopo]

I guess what I was trying to get at is that from DB I got that we should express feelings,I love you, etc.

But you've already done it, multiple times!

My H & I are in a wierd place right now. Like BF but sleep together and kind of a casual relationship. We talk about things like we have no emotional feelings.

No R talk! PATIENCE! You can't rush resolution. He needs time. Don't try to pressure/control him.

Like what if I get a boy/girlfriend what will they think? I said what do you need a GF for if you have me? He said oh ya, your right.

R talk!! I wouldn't engage in this conversation. Just listen. You pressured him with "what do you need a girlfriend for, you have me. That's the crazy alien talking. Don't reason with that person! Just let him figure it out while GALing and becoming as attractive a person to him as you can.

Like I said if you are not happy wth us now the way we are or you don't want to be with me??? He said did I say I didn't?? I said no. Then said well then? He said maybe this is a trap? I said no maybe you are? For all I know you are still w/ OW. He said no but you have every right to think that.

NO R TALK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess I'm over thinking.

Yes! Too focused on what he's doing. Focus on what you're doing.

There is no manual and I just need to follow the path created.

There's DB/DR!

It's working so far so I'll keep it up. I can't reading other threads and think mine will be the same. My sitch seems so out there the way I'm going about it.

It is working and your sitch doesn't seem so different. At the core, they are all the same, and that's why the DR book is so AWESOME!

[NotAgainPlease]

Nomom,

Thank you I look forward to your honest & straight to the point answers. They are always welcome and appreciated.

Okay, I'd better get out the book and re-read it for the 8th time. Pages are getting worn :}.. It really is something you need to go back to often. In my pea brain I think I can remember it even though I have read it so many times.

I have all weekend to do it with the kids and H gone. Actually it doesn't take that long and since we all have read it so much we can pick out what we need! You have a good weekend, Nomo.

Thank you again!
S

[Nomopo]

My pleasure. We ALL need to be reminded.

[NotAgainPlease]

Especially me. I am miss impatient, instant gratification. It is so hard not to feel them out! I am stopping today! You just feel out of control and vulernable. I guess I will have to trust the process. Very unlike me! But determined.

Thanks,
S