You never know if someone will get it or not. Think of the people who die from drug overdoses. All you can do is live your life and protect yourself, your children, and your assets.
I've saved up a decent amount in the past year since we split. Stupidly, I am trying to think of ways to help him pay back his enormous debt to our friends. Those friends have adamantly told me this is not my problem to worry about, which I know - I just don't want this to be something that hangs over my kids' heads. I can just imagine hearing it 10 years down the road ("your dad owes so much money to my dad"). Just did some retail therapy (with my own money) and feel terribly guilty knowing he owes so much to others.
The move isn't until November, so I still have lots of time. Still need to tell him! I really want to get it over with, but the timing just isn't right. Soon...
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
Hugs to you. H needs to learn the hard way. He probably needs some advice now. UNFORTUNATELY, although you may know the situation best, you are definitely not the one who can say anything. It will only seems to be pushing or the advice will be taken in the wrong way. Not sure how you really can help other than protecting yourself and your kids. In this way, H only has himself to worry about when things go very bad (like OW cleans out his accout and runs). good luck with the move. Tell him when are you ready to tell him. I think you will feel really detached when you no longer let his circumstances to affect when you tell him. Frankly, I think from now till November, there probably won't be any good timing. (sorry to be so brutally honest). good luck
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
You never know if someone will get it or not. Think of the people who die from drug overdoses. All you can do is live your life and protect yourself, your children, and your assets.
That is so true. My sister almost died from liver failure due to her drinking several years ago. She recovered but did not learn from the experience. She has been homeless, beaten by men, and still has never hit bottom. She is still an alcoholic, and I believe she will never quit drinking.
I cannot imagine my H ever stopping his computer addiction. It has been a problem for 20+ years. I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up dying in front of the computer like the man in this story: S Korean dies after games session
I have an aunt who gambles and she has lost everything she has. She lost my grandmother's home, all her savings, and her job. She still gambles and no one can stop her.
What I am doing to protect my children is to set limits on their activities to balance their lives. When they are at their father's apartment they play excessive amounts of computer and video games, so I severely limit it when they are here.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
OC! Good to hear from you! How are things with you? The situation escalated last night when H made a last ditch effort to save his restaurant by calling a meeting with all his friends to try to borrow more money. Thank god, they ALL said no and have hopefully convinced him that closing the place down is the best thing he can do. His debt is beyond enormous at this point. We'll see what happens in the next few days. A few have told him that the reason they will not lend him the money is because OW and her friends are involved and cannot be trusted. H still refuses to see/believe it.
HM: My H gets addicted to games in spurts. Currently, he's addicted to Warcraft and spends all weekend playing it online. I'm a big fan of our new Wii, and honestly, I have to say, it's a great way to pass time and just zone out. I can understand why H does it, given his situation. You get absorbed in to this other world and don't think of anything else while you're playing. Plus, if you're good at it, it's very "rewarding" and makes you feel successful, which is not happening in H's real life. Good thing for me, I actually know when too much is enough and am not an addict (although maybe I would be if I had more time!).
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
Called H this morning because I needed to ask him about some legal issues (regarding our permits to stay here). He didn't answer, so I TM'ed him to call me back. He did and started to talk to me about what is going on with the restaurant. We haven't spoken to each other, besides Hi and Bye, for several weeks. Told me that he has to shut his restaurant down by tomorrow. Then started talking about S5 (which he doesn't do often with me), saying how he wants to bring him around with him today - to the restaurant, to a meeting, to buy some games. Without giving him a reason, I told him I'd rather he didn't bring him to the restaurant (assuming OW would be there). He thought about it for a second and said ok (seeming to understand), and I thanked him. Said he might bring him to his meeting and I asked him to keep him out of that as well. H asked if it was because S5 would understand, and I said yes. He then started to tell me how smart S5 is, and I said the same, but couldn't control my emotions and he heard it in my voice and asked me nicely why I was crying. Luckily, his other line rang just then so he had to call me back and by the time he did, I was able to compose myself again. Regarding the legal stuff, I said I just needed some things from him and I could go take care of it this week on my own, but he said that he would go with me.
It just sucks because I haven't broken down in such a long time. Been feeling really emotional the past few days and broke down yesterday after exchanging a few TM's with one of H's (former) best friends (also my best friend's H). His TM said: I'm sorry for how you feel (my name)... you must really miss the old (H's name). I guess it set me off because it's the first time in the past year that someone has realized that. Mostly, it's feeling helpless that there's nothing I can do in H's situation - although it's his own stupidity that got him in to this mess. Also could be because I had movers come to do a run through of the house and get details about the move. Even if I'm ready to go, it's all a bit much to take in at once...
Anyway, after a few good cries and some sleep, I feel better. Back to being strong...
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
Another thing that's getting me down is the fact that things are starting to change for H - he's trying to rebuild his R with his dad and the restaurant is closing. Yet, I realize that these changes mean nothing for me. These changes are not an indication that he will come home or feel regret/remorse for what he's done. Even though I've given up, the changes give me false hope that he's waking up and will somehow undo all the wrongs.
Saw him tonight at dinner at in-laws. He had just come from a meeting with person who he owes a ton of money to. He seemed really down, which I took to be a good sign, thinking he was starting to realize things. He was pretty open and honest with me, but I still think he is delusional about a lot of what's going on in his situation. Guess he still hasn't hit rock bottom, and like HM and IMP have stated, even if he does, it still means nothing.
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
It is a difficult thing time. Your emotions sway and it is normal. The young ones make life tough because they need so much from you. Try to pull yourself out of his stuff and concentrate on yours. Finding what you want for you and you alone is a place to consider. Try and visualize doing something that will make you happy with no one else around. For instance, in trying to make the next step in my job, I am visualizing tasking a certification test and when I am involved in a project, I try to visualize how I would lead that project.
Hang in there. Try to relax. I know you have to be involved with the man no matter what happens. All you can do is be the best you can be. Everything else will fall into place whatever that place may be.
Need some help with letter to H. I've asked him if we can meet sometime (so I could break the news about moving to him in person). His reply was "maybe next week" - which probably means never, as he's been avoiding any discussion for the past 6 months. I realize he communicates better through email and over the phone, so maybe telling him via either of these methods is better. Anyway, I don't really need a reply - my mind is made up and I think it's only fair for me to inform him of my decision and to have him hear it from me rather than someone else. Took a few things from what I've been reading on the BB from oldtimer (what I didn't give in our R) and IMP (moving forward). Thanks for that. Any advice on what I should omit or add, or if whole letter is too sappy or still places blame on him, or if I should forget the letter all together??? Also, should I mention getting D before I leave? (I say that I am finished with this M, but I guess in my heart, I still have 2% of hope left that he will miraculously revert to his old self).
Dear H,
I have finally made the difficult decision to move. I'm sorry that things have ended so badly between us as I had really hoped that we could find a way to work things out, even if it meant not being together as a family. But the lies and all that has happened has made that impossible at this point.
I sincerely hope that you have found in your new relationship what I wasn't giving you in ours. I don't doubt that she's good to you and that your feelings for her are true, but one day, not necessarily from me, the boys will know who, or rather what, you left us for, and that is something that we will all have to live with. I do appreciate that you have limited their contact with her, whatever your reasons for that may be, and trust that you will continue to do so.
For the boys and for myself, I still want the family and life that I have always dreamed of, but it's no longer something that I can do living here. Please know that this has not been an easy decision for me, but it is what I want and what I need to do to move forward from this crisis. As promised, your role as their father will never be denied. But as you have said, if distancing yourself from them is easier for you, I will try to understand and do my best to help them understand the situation as well.
We have a long relationship between us, filled with many happy moments and no matter what has happened, that history cannot be rewritten. I will always have fond memories of us together and will always be thankful to you for giving me the two greatest gifts of my life, S5 and S2. Because of them, you will forever be family to me, no matter where our paths may lead us.
Love, me
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
still hoping, please check your email. thanks. ourcrisis
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
