If not, go back to page 1. Why not line up everyone on this website as failures? Why can't YOU look at your W as the failure? Since when did you decide to take a birdbath in failure doodoo??????
Jeff...do you think I'm a failure? If so, I don't know the person I was talking to on the phone this past year..because THAT person was NOT a failure.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I won't have it. Don't you EVER call yourself a failure. Failures are people who stay stuck, who don't recognize their mistakes, who continue to choose failure. You have fought valiantly: for your marriage, for your kids, for YOUR personal growth.
You've made mistakes, yes. And guess what? You are going to do that for the rest of your life just like the rest of us mortals. One of my favorite quotes that I use frequently with my eighth grade students and have hanging on the wall of my classroom is:
"Just because you make a mistake doesn't mean you are one." --Unknown
You are an incredible guy. Think of all the people you've helped on this site--ME included. You have grown tremendously as a human being and as a dad. I don't call that failure.
Now, no more ugly thoughts/feelings/words about yourself. PMA, man. Love yourself. Treat yourself well. Be gentle.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Why do you say you're a failure? In which context are you a failure?
If it's because your M failed, when you gave it all you could, well, then I have to say you're not. You saved you from you - remember you said you didn't have half as good a R with your kids pre bomb as you do now? That is not a failure, your R with your kids is a blessing, one that may not have come about if it were not for the bomb.
Bombs are there to save us from misery - I know mine did, I can see many others on here whose eyes have been opened.
So, Jeff, please spell it out. In what way exactly are you a failure?
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I'm leaving for FL in a couple of hours, but I wanted to post before I go. We're all packed and ready, and the kids are still asleep - miraculously - so I have some time.
I'm glad you had a good time with your kids. I am fearing exactly what you experienced - that I will see so many happy, intact families together and feel bad.
But here's the thing: you don't always know from looking at people what's going on behind the scenes. Some of those marriages are really very happy. (Thank goodness! It gives us something to look forward to.) But not all of them are. I know that H and I looked like a very happy couple, but we weren't for a long time.
Many of the families that you see together are probably not bio-families. You don't know. It could be a second M for one or both parents. Realistically, there would be a good number of those, if half of all M's end in divorce.
It really is ridiculous how those deals work, I agree. I think there should be "single parent" options. When I was looking to go on vacation alone last year, I got depressed b/c all the packages were for two. If you were alone, you had to pay a "single supplement"! Talk about rubbing salt into the wound!
Jeff, you are a single parent, but you're not a failure. Why would you say that? There are plenty of married parents who aren't doing a very good job of raising their kids, how does being single make you a bad parent? It's not related.
I know that you preference would be to have a healthy, intact family - it's the same for all of us here. But those aren't the cards we've been dealt.
No doubt, you did fail in some ways in your M, as did your XW, as does every human being. You have become a better man, and you know what your mistakes were. You will not repeat them. "Failing" to save your M does not make you a failure. This was never up to you alone, so you cannot be entirely responsible for the end of your M.
I know that you know all this; I do hope that you're doing better today.
~ Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Journal: Things have been quiet this week without the kids. It is good to take a break from parenting and play catch up in other aspects of life. I do get the kids this weekend and then former W takes them to the beach for a week mid-month.
I have been working the D settlement. Former W emailed twice wondering why I was taking so long. Really ticks me off - she wants it, I do not yet she is doing nothing on it but complaining that it is not happening fast enough.
I was polite the first email but she crossed a boundry with the second (which had a threatening tone) and I called her on it. She backed off. What a tone of communication: guess that represents future interactions. I must let her anger and hate bounce off. I must not let her actions and comments control my emotions.
Nothing more to report. Feeling stuck again. I just want it to end. I just want to live again, to start over, and to get past this feeling of failure. That must become my focus. It will.
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Jeff, My S14 said something profound about being a failure, probably because S16 sometimes throws the barbs out. He said that a person is not a failure until they stop trying. Also, we get on S16 because he didn't pass his drivers test twice now so it helps that we can talk about these things. Takes the power away from it by talking about "things that are not currently going our way".
Hawaii was a great place to live but not a great place to be going through a D, kind of like seeing couples at the parks with kids. In HI, there were all these old couples holding hands and walking together that were married, like for 50 years, kind of like envisioned. But then again, who knows if they were on their 2nd or 3rd or whatever, still will be there as long as keep trying. These things take time, patience is the key. RJ
It is good to take a break from parenting and play catch up in other aspects of life.
I hope you are focusing on YOU and getting your life back. As hard as it is, you need to get out and start enjoying yourself until one day, YOU DO feel good again.
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I must let her anger and hate bounce off. I must not let her actions and comments control my emotions.
Absolutely and if you need to wait 24 hours to respond, then do it. Be the better person and of course don't let her cross the boundary.
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Nothing more to report. Feeling stuck again. I just want it to end. I just want to live again, to start over, and to get past this feeling of failure. That must become my focus. It will.
Get out and have some fun. Once you do, you will realize that you are alive and can have fun without her.
As for failure, the marriage failed but you are not. As Teddy Roosevelt said "It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed." You wanted to try to make things work but it is your W who is the failure.
Focus on YOU and you too will come through this a better man.
Hugs, ISLH
Me: 49 - S22 & S26 H: 41 - No kids M: 10/00 Bomb New Year's Day 2006 H living w OW 01/07; have baby 12/07 D final 07/07 Thread #9 - Hope Lives On
Thanks everyone. I guess I really don't feel a failure. But I do feel empty at times b/c this is so difficult to accept, even after 18 months. I still keep expecting that phone call from former W saying "let us try again".
But I get just the opposite from her.
So I must remind myself she is different now - no longer right for me. I must also remember she is also hurt and confused - but that is no excuse when she tries to hurt me. Her anger is her problem - not mine. I have accepted my role in this.
Something I said on FIB's thread: Our spouse has simply fallen out of love with us and feel as guilt-ridden about it as we feel pain about their leaving. Our board here is a place to rationalize our pain for something that we don't understand and find difficult to accept.
There comes a time when you have to move on. I miss my WAW and wish I could have her back, but I am coming to understand that the stbxW is really a different person and I don't want her.
That realization gives me strength, not defeat. Sure, I still feel a failure at times and share that here, but deep down I know I am not.
So, time to build that *new* me and treat all this as the opportunity to grow that I did not have in my M. A life based on strength and honor.
