Stillme's Chapters Continue Some More

[stillme]

Thanks, N. Workin' on it. Going to the mall after church to return a few things and (yah/ugh) Mall Food for the kids. May catch a matinee while we're there.

Yeah, it's Sad I'm feeling but it's alot of Frustrated, too, I realized. I mean, if H can see how he was not promoting a Good R w/the KIDS & is now taking (great) steps to fix (or, uh-huh, SAVE) THE R -- why can he not allow himself the idea that he was not promoting a Good R w/ME &, by taking ANY (baby!) steps to fix it (what's the word: outside of 'fixing' the M), there'd be so much to work w/. . . That by choosing to DO THINGS in the kids' best interests, he is becoming happier as a dad, as a person and FEELING more loving & happy. So tho he was disconnected w/the kids thru his own actions/inactions, his new actions/inactions are connecting him w/the kids, but he will not/cannot/refuses to think that the same holds true regarding me/ourR/ourM.

Off to Not Think.

[SunnySeason]

Morning J,

Sleeping w/ lil' ones can be hazardous to your health, I agree. As for the teeth grinding, well....there's a household full of them here, but w/ all our other issues it's at the bottom of the pile right now ;-/.

Everytime I read one of your posts here I think the same thing. This women brings it all, a kinda complete one-stop shopping where you wouldn't have to go anywhere else. (Only analogy I could come up with this morning b/f caffiene, sorry).
You have so many good ideas (complete w/references, explanations,
& insights)on almost every situation that you/we encounter, and have such an attracting way about you, (not to mention your good looks-I've seen a pic).

So, I look at your H taking your good ideas now, as you're prolly right, good ideas that he's implementing now b/c they were good ideas. H will never admit that o/c, at least not now.

Another thought about the "Disneyland Dad", is that he is receiving counsel from someone to fill his journal w/instances of his activites w/kids for future use should he need it to show what kind of father he is, & wants to list as much as possible. I don't mean to imply that he doesn't enjoy the activites, just that it can serve many purposes.

As far as the bigger house w/MIL or mother taking care of kids to have kids 50% of the time, it's my understanding that it doesn't work that way. His mother taking care of the kids while he isn't there & you're available doesn't cut it. If it ever got down to it, you can have an agreement to where if you're availble, you have 1st right to have your children w/you.

It's an unfortunate reality that we all have to think ahead & look at all the angles on this stuff in case we need it. It does make your stomach drop to consider "what could happen", and while it's good to keep the "could" in mind, it's better to have the "might not" happen in mind also when you can.

Your H is a tough one for me to read. It seems that he has a lot of anger issues that he might not be letting go of soon. I don't know tho, b/c of course I don't know him & know what he was like prior to this.

This too shall pass & there are so many people in this world that would be very unhappy if you just went "Pouf", including us here.

L&K's,
Sunny

[Reincarnated]

I agree with Sunny--no 'poofing' allowed! Although I admit to having the very same thoughts...they are not healthy thoughts, either from your own head or mind-read from those around you. My IC snapped me out of it--YOUR CHILDREN need you in their lives, even if things get complicated! But you know that.

btw, if H is taking those suggestions and applying them to the kids, see a positive that he HAS heard and processed you. How long did it take for him to start doing that since the sitch? Maybe he will need the same amount of time, from now, before he starts to manifest some of those in your R. He is learning HOW to have a R, and you showed him the way. He is trying it out, seeing the results. Hold on, J, he may just start applying it to you, too. But it has to seem like it was HIS idea (male ego). Stay positive, keep showing the way. He is watching. It is making a difference.

It really is a positive/positive. He is becoming a better father--great for your kids. Even if it stops there. But I bet it won't...

{{{{J}}}}

Hope Church was rejuvenating.

(I have a teeth-grinder, too--you can hear her across the house!)

[Nomopo]

Yes Donna! That's what I'm seeing on H and his progress vis-a-vis the kids. Still only have a moment here and there on blackberry, but thanks for saying that DF!

[SuperDad]

Stillme,
I want to give you one more thing to think about:

Your H is taking YOUR ideas and implementing them in his R with YOUR kids. This means that he is listening to YOU and acting upon YOUR advice.

I think this is a huge baby step. I know that it is hurting you right now that you are not a part of these activities. He could even be doing it on purpose to try to prove to himself/you what a great father he is.

However, he is not detached from you. He still cares what you think! Deep down, I am sure that he still cares about you as well. The problem is that he is afraid to even crack open the door to a new R with you for fear that it will end back up where you were a year ago.

Be patient! There is still hope for your M, even though (or especially because) your H so often says there is not! Keep showing the world what a smart, well adjusted, and yes beautiful (Nomopo showed me the picture at the beach) woman you are. Either he will come around or you will be faced with tough decisions on which of the many courtiers to choose from!

(((Stillme)))

SD

[C_K]

j.

Not much to add but this made me smile

There's more, but this is not helping. It's like he's making a

Good R w/the kids & Life for himself USING me (my ideas, wants, needs) but WITHOUT me. Make sense?

So, while on the one hand I see that he's (prolly) been considering our past talks/disagreements (building a better R-wise) & implementing now alot of what he denied or fought against then -seeing that I was - perhaps? - right? he's obviously determined to be a New/Better Daddy alone (as in I-Don't-Need-No-Stinkin'-W & My-Kids-Will-Be-Better-Off-and-LOOK!-I'll-Prove-It).

I know its not funny but its almost like "I am going to prove I am right if it kills me ! "

He is trying to show you he can do it , now would you bother doing that for someone you are completely detached from ?

Good to know you are getting better through this turmoil.

Dave

[stillme]

About a hundred years ago, in my high school english class, my teacher told us we all had an IALAC (I Am Lovable And Capable) that started out whole every morning. (She held up a square of paper w/the acronym written across it.) During each day, tho, pieces would be ripped, torn, crumpled & stomped on. Damm, I burnt the toast. . . Shoot! Late for work again. . . Fussing children. . . Nagging H. . . Can't fit into those jeans today. . . Bad hair day. . . Cancelled plans. . . Hurt feelings. . . Frustrations. . .Feeling overwhelmed, etc. Sometimes it's all you can do to end up w/a small corner of your IALAC pinched tightly btwn your thumb & forefinger, and you go to bed feeling beat down & emotionally exhausted & unable to protect that tiny scrap any longer. . . But the magic is that your IALAC becomes wonderfully whole again the next morning. You wake up & the injuries sustained the day before don't feel as raw and, even if the same ones strike again today, they don't tear as much of the IALAC as they did just the day before.

So my IALAC has taken a beating, but (as we know - and as I have said to others on more than one occasion) Tomorrow is Another Day. (That weird life-lesson came to me about a year ago & echoes, alot. Don't even remember how/why tht had to do w/english lit.)

Also funny are the words to a song that came to me in pieces thru the day (tho I seriously was NOT focusing on anything other than being w/the kids). Found myself humming a loop, then trying to put words to it & had to pull out my CD & put it all together when I got home. Strangely, weirdly what I needed to hear:

Hold On (from Broadway musical/The Secret Garden)

What you've got to do is
finish what you have begun.
I don't know just how -
but it's not over til you've won.

When you see the storm is comin',
See the lightning part the skies,
it's too late to run,
there's terror in your eyes.
What you do then is remember
this old thing you heard me say:
It's this storm, not you
that's bound to blow away.

Hold on.
Hold on to someone standin' by.
Hold on.
Don't even ask how long or why.
Child, hold on to what you know is true.
Hold on til you get through.
Child, oh child.
Hold on.

When you feel your heart is poundin',
fear a devil's at your door,
there's no place to hide.
You're frozen to the floor.
What you do then is you force yourself
to wake up and you say:
It's this dream not me
that's bound to go away.

Hold on.
Hold on the night will soon by by.
Hold on.
Until there's nothin' left to try.
Child, hold on, there's angels on their way.
Hold on & hear them say:
Child, oh child.

And it doesn't even matter if the danger & the gloom
come from up above or down below or just come flying at you from across the room.

When you see a man who's ragin',
and he's jealous & he fears
that you've walked thru walls he's hid behind for years,
what you do then is you tell yourself to wait it out & say:
It's this day, not me, that's bound to go away.
Child, hold on.
It's this day, not you, that's bound to go away.

[Reincarnated]

All I can say is Wow. I am looking that up tonight to see if I can get the MP3...

Hold on :0)

[ItsKat]

Hey, Still. I can see you have been down, but you are managing to pick yourself up wonderfully as you always seem to do. ((Still))

BTW, I went to see my neice in "The Secret Garden" that she was in at her college a couple of years ago. She was the Nanny who sang that song. I saw the show 2 nights and cried both times partly because she is such a gifted singer, but also because that song is very powerful. I am off to see if I can find that song to listen to also.

[stillme]

Thanks Sunny, for the compliments about my posts (Tho what I think when I re-read them is: Damm! Can I NOT write a sentence that DOESN'T have some sort of tangent/side-bar action going on?! -- See what I mean?!). . .but glad anything I have to say/offer helps.

Another thought about the "Disneyland Dad", is that he is receiving counsel from someone to fill his journal w/instances of his activites w/kids for future use should he need it to show what kind of father he is, & wants to list as much as possible. I don't mean to imply that he doesn't enjoy the activites, just that it can serve many purposes.

Yeah, I'd thought of that. Thanks for the heads-up - but I also have the calendars from the 2 years prior to Bomb showing not only H's job-related & hobby-related times, but MY good-R time w/my kids.

As far as the bigger house w/MIL or mother taking care of kids to have kids 50% of the time, it's my understanding that it doesn't work that way. His mother taking care of the kids while he isn't there & you're available doesn't cut it. If it ever got down to it, you can have an agreement to where if you're availble, you have 1st right to have your children w/you.

H is ASSuming I will be agreeable to a 50/50 split of 'custody' & that "we" (meaning I) will work together w/scheduling conflicts. As nice as that sounds in theory & as much as I would hate for him to NOT have enough time w/the kids, I just don't see it happening, and I'm dreading the time it comes to a show-down about it.

H IS a tough one to read. Pre-Bomb he was NEVER an agry person, NEVER held grudges - even kept offering olive-branch after olive-branch to his dad over the years -- And my C says H is D'ing me b/c he CANNOT D his dad as we BOTH have emotionally abandoned him &, in H's mind, my doing it was Worse b/c I had vowed to love him until death do us part whereas his dad never made any such promise and, in fact, H KNEW his dad was an un-worthy person from the get-go. So, yeah, he's got anger-issues -- and will continue to have anger issues unless/until he's willing to face them & deal w/them himself. Question is: Will that come TOO LATE for our R/M?