Stillme's Chapters Continue Some More

[ItsKat]

Wow, still. It sounds like you have lots of options for your next b/f!

Sorry your sleep is off again. I LOL'd at the "No R talk!" in your dream. At least you know you have this stuff down well enough that it is in your subconscious!

Have a great day!

[stillme]

Here's the email comm. from/w H this morn. (Note: This is a man who LIVES on his phone; calls constantly; has his b'berry surgically attached to his hip. Could be he's either too busy to make a 2 min. ph. call, or this new form of comm. [email] is 'needed' for some reason. Just noting a change.)

Can you swap my 25th for your 27th? My stay got extended here in Madison.
J****

Yep.
Cough better?
j

Thanks, and no.
J****

Thought I'd leave the comm. at that.

[Nomopo]

Hmmmmm. Yea, good call leaving it at that.

Nomopo

PS - Plan is posted!

[Reincarnated]

J--
Could be a softening, but remember that they might take 2 steps forward, then one step back.

Sorry that I haven't been around, but it was a challenging week. Sounds like your last exchange made a dent.

Hope that you are making your weekend great. :0)

--D

[stillme]

No, not so much of a dent after all apparently. . . Or else a very good quick-recovery on H's behalf.

The eve of the email exchange, I had to call H at 9:30pm b/c D was having a Missing Daddy moment. After he'd talked w/her for a while, he asked her to put me on & asked for more specifics about the beginning of D's moment -- I was getting her to pack a bag o'stuff for the 2hr ride to visit my parents the next morn. & she all of a sudden broke down & asked why H couldn't come, too, he's always the driver. . . and "It's no fun w/just the 3 of us. It's got to be 4.". . . [cried/whined] "Why can't you just get along!" and finally, "I want Daddy. I miss Daddy.", so I called him -- Anyway, when I gave H the basics of this (D had alredy told him we were going to visit my parents, that she wanted him to come, it was no fun w/just the 3 of us, and he always drove us on trips, he told me, "Well, she'll get used to it after a while." I didn't have anything to say to that (dead-air, dead-air) and he talked a bit about how busy he's been on his trip, & how the CEO called a meeting on Mon. (the day he was orig. supposed to fly back) & that's why he had to switch kid-days w/me this wk. I admit I let the dead-air build; didn't really know what to respond & my heart was stil hurting for D (plus she was still sitting on my lap & I was getting her to blow her nose). I think I cut him off at one point w/a ('quit talking about it') "It's o-kay." & the convo. ended.

This morn. H called while S was in jj class. In response to his (norm) "Hey", I said "Hi" & he imm. asked "Are the kids by you?" Me: "J is here, but A is in the middle of jj class." "Oh. Can I talk to J then?" . . . pass her the phone & after a few min. she asks "Do you want to talk to mommy now?" then "Okay. Bye, daddy."

So, again, more of the same. I don't call him, and when he calls (for the kids) I either get talked to/treated like his secretary or ignored. Damm he's nothing if not consistent.

On another note, I realized I'd been DBing my R w/my dad all these long years - and will pretty much have to continue it as well. Spent 5 long hrs w/mom & dad on their boat & at the marina's pool & he prolly addressed a ques. or comment TO me (independent of me introducing a subject) maybe 5 times (2 of those had to do w/what directions/route I took to get there & how I could do it better on the way home, another was a monologue on the features of his new-fangled ditital camera). In response to my acting As If & going for the hello/g'bye hugs (inmm. after the warm Mom-ones), I got his One-Armed Two-Pats-on-the-Back & Step-Away deal. Oh, and the ONLY ques. they (mom) asked about my sitch was (3 hrs into the visit) "So, has H done anything to further the D along?" and "Does H's job schedule let him see the kids alot?" Helllloooo? I'm fine; thanks for asking. . . Whatever.

So...DBing . . . I cannot control how they/dad think/feel/act & will only make myself crazy trying to figure out why/why they don't [whatever] and they are entitled to their own feelings/thoughts about me/my sitch & so I can Act As If (doing ALL the 'work' in the R/talk myself) but mostly need to take the focus off of him/them & put it on doing whatever I can to make myself a Happy, Healthy & Better Person. (Background: M/D - esp. patriarchal 2nd gen. Italian Dad = strict, old school, lifetime members of the Catholic school of thought. Religion has been a Hands-Off topic btwn us since I was 21 & first started questioning Tradition, tho they know that, since our M & esp since the kids came along H&I have/are raising the kids w/a love for & knowledge of all things Christian.)

Obviously rambling. May be the (OMG! Yummm!!) back-to-back (B.King) Mocha Joe's I sucked down on the drive home, or the (too much?) time for Thoughts on the drives. I feel good about bringing the kids to their g'parents, tho. (4yrs ago when S was 5 & D was 2, H pursuaded me to do a drive-by 2day/2nite visit on our way to Disney/Tampa - which was the only time m/d have ever seen their g'kids b/f today.) But don't know how much time & effort I have to give to this R.

[SunnySeason]

(((((StillMe)))))

It is good that you took the kids to see their g'parents. It is of the utmost respect I have for you in doing that.

Along w/similar H traits, we apparently share the same father. Once about 10 yrs ago I asked him if he loved me (w/mom & dad on separate phone lines w/me), & he hung up. Called back the next day & said, "We all love each other", click. That's the most I've gotten & it's going to have to be good enough I guess.

And you're right, you'll have to use the DB skills w/out much in return it looks like. Sadly, there is not much to be done other than make the best of it & it sounds like you did.

The kids make my heart ache.....

L&K's,
Sunny

[Reincarnated]

J--
OK, you had a downer of a few days, I see. Yep, you are old school at DBing, seems like. My mom was the stand-offish one. Dad was old school Italian, but wore his heart on his sleeve and was LOUD. Mom was Irish Catholic, but they acted more like the stereotypical English. You don't talk feelings or air the dirty laundry. But that side was also full of alcoholism. Both of them have passes away; wish my Dad had gotten to meet my kids, though. He would have been the best grandparent of them all (and H's parents are VERY good/kind).

Amazing how some generalizations work out, huh?

Anyway, glad to hear that you got over to your parents. It sounds like it was as much for you as for them, since it's been so long. Also could explain your Dad's standoffish behavior. I wonder if either of them had a clue as to what they really wanted to say / express, when they haven't had the practice.
***
I'm not sure of your H's tone, but it actually seemed ok that he went out of his way to call and speak with the kids. Maybe D's hurting finally sunk in, and he was focused on that instead of himself / denial of hurting them for a change. Even if not, it may help with the Act As If...

[Nomopo]

Hi still. I didn't see your most recent exchanges with H the same way you did. Sorry I can't give you much time this morning to explain why, but I will be back later. In the meantime, make yourself be positive.

Hugs,
Nomopo

[stillme]

Thanks, Nomo, I'd be interested to hear your slant on things. Had a tough night (and not just cuz I caved & let S sleep w/me. Ugh. One kick in the kidneys when I finally got to sleep, plus his mice-squeak sighs & teeth grinding. Jeez, the kid has issues.) Anyway, fell into a pitiful state and cried like I haven't in a long time. Feel like my parents - as well as H - would all be happier if I just - Pouf! - disappeared. Parents wouldn't have to deal w/the (label) D'd D. H would get to keep everything in his life (all his kids' time, all his $, all his friends' respect...) Am getting better (sleep & coffee are helping) & will be off to church in a while w/the kids (tho prolly choosing a seat way in the back today).

A few things I need to get out of my head:

On F'Day, H took kids to the rest. I had always said I would like to go to for Sunday Brunch. I'm a foo-foo girl at heart, and the (maybe?) 2 times we went there for dinner, I commented about the Brunch and, tho H at the time agreed, he never suggested it and we never went. So, it was a punch to hear that H took the kids for Brunch there for F'Day. Hope he choked on his Eggs Benedict. And I know where I want to go on my firt 'non-date'. (yeah, maybe some of that is leftover pity, but...)

H is (according to kids) wanting to buy a larger house (tho in our same neighborhood) - altho (pre-Bomb) he'd argued against it & was all about 'making do' w/this (smaller) house/note for at least 5 yrs. The new house has/a 2-car + boat storage garage and a downstairs MIL-suite (or Mother, in his case -- the only way he could 'have' the kids 50% of the time w/his job/travel).

H is LAVISHING love & attention, time & $$ on the kids and, believe me, it is wonderful (for the most part) but most of it is/are things that I had begged, nagged & given up on his ever doing - either w/the kids or w/me!! Ex. The ONE time he agreed to do a Family Game/Pizza night, he arrived home [after work he HAD TO go to jj] 1/2 hr b/f the kids' bedtime (school night). Now he buys games & makes a point of saying he/kids NEVER watch tv: they play games or are out having fun. Slap! He had plans (fell thru b/c of his work) to take the kids to a Disney waterpark - tho when I really wanted to (pre-Bomb) it was too much $, not necessary (beaches nearby), disdained b/c it was 'touristy' & taught the kids that fun had to be paid for... Slap! He leaves 'love' notes for D (her LL), tho I'd suggested it as a way for him to connect w/the kids around his being 'gone' so much (pre-Bomb) & tho he INSISTS "this LL stuff is cr*p". SLAP!

There's more, but this is not helping. It's like he's making a Good R w/the kids & Life for himself USING me (my ideas, wants, needs) but WITHOUT me. Make sense?

So, while on the one hand I see that he's (prolly) been considering our past talks/disagreements (building a better R-wise) & implementing now alot of what he denied or fought against then -seeing that I was - perhaps? - right? he's obviously determined to be a New/Better Daddy alone (as in I-Don't-Need-No-Stinkin'-W & My-Kids-Will-Be-Better-Off-and-LOOK!-I'll-Prove-It). It's like he's playing the role of Widower already. Damm. Off to church.

[Nomopo]

Hey j,

I know you know this but it's one of those waves (maybe a REALY BIG one) crashing through. The key being "through." Even that last post made me feel like your emotions are preventing you from seeing things as clearly as you usually do. Of course, the emotions are completely normal and understandable, but we both know you need to snap out of the funk as soon as you can/are ready. Do what you need to get it out of your system (cry?, if you haven't done that enough already), then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get moving again. And if you can't "will" yourself to a better place as quickly as you'd like today, what can you do to put your mind on something else?

It just crushes me to see you feel like this. We've all been there, and we KNOW it shall pass, but know that lots of us wish we could be right there to speed it up. ((((stillme))))

Gotta run to pick up the kids. More later!

Nomopo