Crushed but moving on

[swashy]

last one locked.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...&gonew=1#UNREAD

Gonna go grab some ice cream with the kiddos. yay!

[swashy]

Ok…well I had my vent session last night. I think tonight I talk about me and my mistakes. I think Dana inspired me to become more introspective.

I am a big part of the reason I am in the position I am. I took my W for granted. I took my M for granted. I took my vows for granted. I took my children for granted. I thought that a M was forever and I never really worked on keeping it whole. I was too focused on the other parts of life and didn’t focus on us. We had 3 kids in 2 ½ years and that was really, really hard. I couldn’t deal with it all. I became miserable. And that was ME…and although I didn’t understand it at the time…that was my choice. I chose to be like that. Nobody forced me to be like that. Was she giving me what I needed…no…but that was no excuse to act the way I did. I acted like a brat. Youngest child – right? Ugh.

My anger was a big part of it. I’ve learned a lot about myself and that helps control it..but I need to do more. I think I may have found a new C, need to give her a call. I need to make sure I can control it and that it doesn’t come back.

I yelled a lot…a real lot. I was just angry at the world. I didn’t pay enough attention to the little details in life…holidays, gifts, etc. I told her I wanted a date night. I knew I couldn’t focus on her in this house with three kids running around. I wanted alone time with her so that I could focus on her. But then I would blame her for not following through and setting it up. Well I should have done it if it was what I wanted. I could have controlled that but instead I played the victim.

I wish she could forgive me for this…but I just have to accept that she can’t. I have to accept that I did too much damage to ever fix this. The hurt is too deep. The scars are too big. She just can’t look at me with love again. And that sucks….but it is a situation I helped create with my choices. My mistakes.

The way I acted was undeserving of love and attention. Why would she have loved me? How could she have loved me?!?! I was being a jerk! I mean a serious jerk. How do you love a guy who is yelling and carrying on like I was? I was just so unhappy and I took it out on her and our kids.

Have I changed? Of course I have. Do I get it? I think so. Am I ready to love and be loved again, yes. Is it too late with her….apparently. And that just sucks but it is my cross to carry. Am I totally to blame? Of course not. But I have my fair share of it and now I just need to accept that it is too little too late.

At her heart she is a wonderful woman who just wanted to be loved. I screwed that up.

She texted me tonight. She had her final. Thought she failed out…but it looks like she made it by the hair of her chin. Thank God! Told her I was proud of her. I am. She has done an amazing job of getting through school with all that has gone on. She is a smart, determined woman. And any man would be lucky to have her. I was lucky to have her and I f’d it up. Well now the OM will be lucky to have her. I hope he can take better care of her than I did because she deserves it.

I now need to move on with my life with these lessons learned. Whoever the next woman in my life is WILL be a lucky one…because I have learned these lessons.

I'm ok everyone...just needed to do this I guess. Part of moving on.

[sofaraway]

OK Scott, here we go buddy:

You were responsible for the deterioration of your marriage. You have admitted over and over the mistakes that you made in your relationship. There is only so much ownership that you can take though.

Reality is this took two people to destroy. There is no stronger vow than marriage, you BOTH broke that vow by not honoring, cherishing, and loving one another the way that you should have.

Here's some facts:

1. Scott was an angry man. He yelled, screamed, got angry, punched walls, etc.....

2. Scott did not focus enough on his marriage, he thought it would all just work out so he didnt put in the neccesary efforts that he now knows he should have.

3. Scott was inattentive to his wife, he blamed it on her coldness and not being there for him.

4. Scott took his kids for granted and was not a great dad.

5. Last but not least, Scott wiated to long to address the issues contained in his bad marriage.

All 5 of these items are one's that you have admitted to all along and worked very hard to improve. Is it to late for your changes to affect your marriage? You are going to hate this answer, but Yes, it is because your wife has made it apparent that she cannot find love for you in her heart again. She has continued to see this other man, and probably still is.

Did these 5 things destroy your marriage, yes, but so did some other things. Best I can figure these things did as well.

1. Wife didnt talk to you and be open about her needs.

2. Wife did not focus enough on her marriage, she thought it would all just work out so she didnt put in the neccesary efforts that she now knows she should have. (sound familiar)

3. Wife was not a good mother to her kids. She did not stand up early on and do what was right for them, her, and you.

4. Wife strayed from her marriage, began a relationship with an unethical fireman while she was still betrothed to you. (any way you slice this, it's just wrong)

5. Wife did not give you what you needed, even though you were an as$, she still gave up.


So I wonder if she has admitted to these issues that she needs to own or not. I am sure that she is focusing on all that YOU did wrong, but reality is at some point she will have to take some ownership of what SHE did wrong as well.

So now what my friend, reality says that your marriage is over. She is getting mediation, your house is sold, and y'all are moving away from each other. So what happens now. Well, Scott keeps working on himself, let's go of his mistakes, realizes that the next woman in his life will reap the rewards of his failed marriage and all that he has learned.


Hopefully your wife will do the same, the only issue I see there is that she has one thing to deal with that you don't, infidelity. That is a hard one to overcome because bottom line is that she strayed, she went to the arms of another man, she dishonored her commitment. Hold your head up high my friend in at the very least, the knowledge that you can look yourself in the eye and know that your morals in that arena of yoru marriage are intact. She will never, get that word, NEVER ever again be able to say she was faithful and moral during her marriage, and yes, even if they were just friends, they kissed, held hands, slept together, immoral.

The fact that it continues and she couldnt even finish things with you and get that divorce, speaks volumes for her moral fiber here at theh end of your marriage. Sorry, but I have very strong feelings about this and it is disrespectful, especially when they sit there and judge you and your behavior in the past while they are acting this way and doing these things. It is judgmental and self serving to justify their own piss poor decisions.

So what is the bottom line? It's one you already know buddy, your marriage dissolution is a result of TWO peoples actions. Take on your mistakes, but also remember to acknowledge hers as well. Odds are when she talks to her friends about this, it is all about you and her ownership is never discussed. At least that is how it is withh my wife an dmost of the other wives on these boards, pitiful. This my friend is why friendship after marriage is so damn hard, because you know, and will learn as it ends, that she blames you....and only you. Hopefully she will take her ownership someday so that y'all can at least have a working relationship with the kids.

You hang in there my friend, the greatest gift you have right now is the knowledge that you will be ok without her and you have done the most important thing here, you have learned from your errors how to be a better partner in the future. Some woman will be very happy because of all this misfortune. Just to damn bad your wife doesnt wake the fuckk up and realize it could have been her that reaped the rewards, oh well.

I am here if you need me buddy, at least until I leave for Scotland Friday.


Ian

[galing]

Ian... good post.

[NDDT]

hey swashinator remember the old beer commercials?

"I love you man........."

I hope everything goes great for you.......sorry I am a bit drunk.
cant post well..........sheeet cant even read well. But the only thing we have left is the future right? My future is gonna be all right now matter what. No matter what Ms "Its too late" says.....

lol I needta go to bed..........If you lived next door to me tonight, I would be the idiot out on your porch yelling, "I love you man.........." LOL

[Fender]

G'morning Swashy. Have good one.

[swashy]

Thanks guys.

Ian - I posted my vent a couple of days ago. So I figured I'd own up to my half yesterday. I know you know it. I know she knows it. And I've talked about some of it here on and off...but I don't think I've ever really layed it out like that on here before.

I don't want to point fingers. That gets me nowhere. Was her affair any worse than my yelling? I don't know. Maybe...maybe not. But at this point, it doesn't really matter.

I think I just needed to vent those things as part of my process of moving forward. I don't want to be angry with her and I hope she can let go of some of the anger she has for me. I hope we can be friends and coparent together. I want to accept this reality that is staring me in the face with a smile and the knowledge that I will be ok...or even better.

We talked a bit this morning. It was very light and fun. That is what I want. I want that tension gone. So that is what I will strive to have with her...hopefully she can do the same.

I'll also continue doing what I need to do for me. I will start moving some of my stuff into the new place this weekend. It is mine as of 7/1. We close 7/9. We'll pay off all of our debt. Split what is left and I will be on my way.

I think I do want to pursue whatever this may be with my new/old "friend". She's fun, smart, pretty and makes me feel good. Is it a re-bound? Maybe. Will it lead to anything...maybe, maybe not. But you know what...it makes me feel good right now and I think I deserve that at this point.

[Kman]

Hey Scott-

You seem to have your head on fairly straight, I had planned to post a readers digest version of what Ian posted to you last night, but after he put it up I think the point was made. By the way, one thing I DID want to add:

Was her affair any worse than my yelling?

Ummm...F-CK YES IT WAS.

Sorry, just feel pretty strongly about that one. Keep your head up buddy, you're doing great and you have great things ahead.

Kev

[swashy]

Because you guys were not the ones being yelled at for years and years. Again..not saying it is or isn't. Just saying you don't know until you are in those shoes. Let's put it this way, I'm willing to forgive the A and move forward but she is unable to move forward from the yelling. And I refuse to think that she doesn't WANT to save her M. I beleive she does...this isn't easy for her to do. How could it be? She is dealing with a lot of guilt for it - i know that. So the hurt must be pretty damn bad. I did a lot of damage.

[sofaraway]

I think I do want to pursue whatever this may be with my new/old "friend". She's fun, smart, pretty and makes me feel good. Is it a re-bound? Maybe. Will it lead to anything...maybe, maybe not. But you know what...it makes me feel good right now and I think I deserve that at this point.

Good, because you deserve that. Take some lessons from Speed on how to communicate with this new woman and make sure she understands clearly where your head is at in order to minimize the possibility of hurting her.

I agree with Kev, you don't know if it was worse, ummm hell yeah it was. Infidelity my friend is a sin.

The one thing that I worry about with you Scott is that you take on way to much responsibility for all that has happened. That makes you make statements like this:

I hope we can be friends and coparent together.

You can become good coparents together, I have no doubt. Friends though???? Let me ask you flat out, if she continues to date fireman dude and ends up in a commited relationship with him, are you gonna want to be her friend??? Answer this question honestly dude, cause if it were me, ummm fuckk no I wouldn't. Sometime the reality of it all will hit you dude, you will begin to get angry with her and feel all that you should be feeling regarding this infidelity. At that point firendship will probably be out the window.

So many folks on here get confused about this, so here it is in bold for you. you as the LBS have no obligation to be friends with a person who walks away and does not try to fix your marriage. That's the bottom line, I personally refuse to reward my wife's indescretions by being her friend when all is said and done. I will coparent with her, but that is it. I do not have friends that lie and cheat and sin...sorry I have to have some boundaries.

Just understand that while you have thoughts of how and who you want to be, it doe not mean that you have to turn into a saint that can turn the other cheek and continue to get slapped. You are mortal, man, and you have the right to choose to stop being hurt.

Urghhhhh, not for nothing, but one of my other dillema's with thsi whole friend thing is what lesson does it teach our kids? Do you think later on your kids won't know what she did. When they get old enough, they will figure it out. Then they will look and see that you were ok with it because you were willing to befriend her after that.... Not sure that's the lesson your kids need. They may need the lesson of choice, choosing to surround yourself with moral people and have friends that you can trust.

Just some thoughts dude, I'm not trying to harp on you here. I just want you to see that it's ok to not be perfect and think you have to be this all loving, all forgiving person, that's not realistic. It's ok to feel. Truth is if you are going to be friends, it may be many years down the road.

Ian