Ian - great response! (It must be "Feel Sorry for Swash's WAW Week"!)
One thing struck me...
Originally Posted By: swashy
HOW does someone not ask their spouse about their new job? I mean what is that? I take a new job and not once does she ask what I'm doing, how I like it...nothing. I tell her that I'm going for a promotion and she says something along the lines of "well I'm sure he wouldn't give you the opportunity if he didn't think you could do it". Nice to say. But she has never brought it up since. I mean....it is like she is putting in effort NOT to be there for me. Trying so hard to let me down. I just don't understand how someone can be so selfish and so self absorbed.
My W did this kind of thing. In many cases, it wasn't "unconscious selfishness" - it was very deliberate. And (as usual) it was about HER, not about me. She was afraid that by taking any kind of interest in what was going on for me, by showing any sort of support, she would encourage me to rely on her and get some of that ol' WAW classic, "False Hope". But it wasn't about saving my feelings, it was about building a wall to protect herself. She was AFRAID to reach out to me in any way - couldn't afford to make herself vulnerable in the sitch as it stood at that time. Sad and pathetic in a way, but true... Maybe some of the same things are happening with her?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Scott I read your vent and saw a lot of my W in there. In the Air Force certain milestones are a big deal and family is expected to be there when you achieve one of these milestones.
One is promotion. The AF makes a big deal out of promotions and puts on a huge production each month for promotees. My last promotion was a big deal because I was being promoted to MSgt, that is a big deal because you are considered a Senior NCO. I had beg her to come to the ceremony.
Re-enlistment is another big deal. She didn't even attend my last re-enlistment ceremony. Really made me feel like crap.
I know office parties are not always attended by spouses however we always try to get families involved in them. Christmas parties, picnics, etc...she wouldn't even consider going.
She pretty much ignored my career for the better part of the last ten years. However on the other hand we all had to endure endless talk about her career.
I supported her in her career. I listened when she talked about her day or what happened at work. I encouraged her to go for promotions and celebrated with her when she got one.
So you see Scott I know what you are talking about. The good news is I never really needed anyone to pat me on the back. I can do a good job and feel rewarded without anyone saying good job.
Me 45 WAW 46 Married 23yrs D22 S18 D12 W moved out 1/12/07 Divorce Final 2/06/08
Well thank you guys...wow. Rob - no, I agree 100%. It is deliberate. I know that. But that also means that she is deliberately hurting me in some ways. And it's not like it's just been since the bomb. She hasn't been there for me for YEARS.
And Ian...you are right...she used to be there for me. She used to surprise me with nights away in the city. She'd show up and tell me to pack a back we're leaving. She used cook these big meals and I'd catch her watching me eat...and she'd tell me how she just loved to watch me eat. She used to tell me how great I was, etc. I don't know however...if she has ever really been there for me emotionally....when I've been going through a tough time. Maybe she just thinks I'm a guy and I don't need that?? Not sure. It's funny, most Ws tend to try and drag that stuff out of their men....not mine.
And I understand that the reason she stopped doing this stuff was because I was being a jerk. I get that. And I understand that I was being a jerk because (or at least partly) she stopped doing this stuff. Vicious cycle.
And Ian...I'd be more than happy to stand by and wait for her to come out of her cocoon...but she doesn't want me to. Instead she is kicking me away. I want her to emerge. I want her to understand the lesson of you get what you give. I really don't think she understands that. She's always so concerned with what she is getting...from everyone in her life...and how they let her down...her mother, her sister, me. But what does she do for us? Nothing. I don't see her being there for any of us. Maybe...just maybe...she doesn't get what she wants from the people in her life because she doesn't give them anything.
It's just sad because I have worked so hard to rediscover myself, change myself, better myself and I feel like I am such a different person than I was a year ago. Such a better person. But she can't trust that. She can't forgive me for the past and focus on the possibility of a new future. And i want to be MORE for her...but I can't until she lets me in. I can't force that. Love is a two way street. Again...you get what you give. I feel like she has sat on the sidelines and just observed me....how can anything grow from that? She'd have to do her part...but she is unwilling to because of fear, guilt, shame...whatever it is. And that is just a sad way to go through life. And you are right Ian...everyonen around her...especially her children will pay the price for this shortcoming of hers.
You get so much more out of life if you approach it with love, faith and trust. If you do that...I think anything is possible. She is approaching it with anger, doubt and fear. But it takes a very secure person to be able to do that...and she is not. And that sucks...and there is nothing I can do to change that.
Sorry Fender..missed you. Yup..I guess it is just pretty typical selfish behavior which drives all of this. There is no room for selfishness in a M. If you can't think of the other person instead of yourself...you'll never get what you want. Thanks man.
Gotcha, but do not think that I am in anyway reccomending you wait until she come out of that cocoon. I am not, you already wited ten months for that.
No offense, but if she was making any, and I mean any efforts, then maybe I would say that to you. She is not and you don't deserve to live that way. Making blueberry muffins doesnt count either.
What I was more saying is it's a crying shame that she doesnt see that if she just gave you something you would wait and see. Instead she chooses to act in the manner that she is acting.
Funny thing is Scott, lets assume all this goes forward and you are divorced in 6 months. She will move on to a new relationship, or the one with assmonkey fireman boy, and it will fail. It will fail because she isnt aware that she needs time to become a good woman and discover herself. So instead she may end up being one of those women that have multiple failed marriages because they do not deal with their own issues. Very sad for her.
You on the other hand will have a wonderful relationship with the next woman who is lucky enough to land you. All that you have worked on, discovered about you, fixed in your relationship skills. Wow, thats gonna be one lucky woman......
Never mind the fact that you will have all of us watching and kicking your ass if you screw up.
No Ian...I'm not saying I will stand and wait. I'm saying I could if she wasn't kicking me away. I came to her 9 months ago and said - don't judge me yet, I'm changing. Well...although I'm not 100%...and maybe never will be because this is a lifelong journey...I think I'm good enough to be judged. But a good judge doesn't just look for the negatives. You trust the positives too. She can't seem to do that. If she came to me and asked me to wait because she needed to figure herslef out...I'd do it. I would. But she is not asking for that...she is telling me she doesn't want me here anymore. Ok.
Yes...I think you are right...she hasn't really changed, she hasn't focused on herself like she should have...and it is very possible that whatever R she gets into will follow the same path our's did...because she will judge and take and neve give. Sad...and I hope to God that doesn't happen - for her sake and my kids sake....
That said...I think she kind of knows this about herself and she may never get M'd again. She may have some guy that she just tries to keep on the back burner. Whatever. Her life to do with what she will.
She wanted a more than what we have. I mean there is a tension between us. She doesn't want this M anymore because it is not comfortable and she probably doesn't feel trusted, etc. Fine I get that. I don't want a M like this either. But that isn't just going to magically happen. She would need to step back in and TRY for that ever to happen (YOU GET WHAT YOU GIVE). But she was too worried about hurting me to ever try. Well in the end...that only hurt me more. Now I have to go through life knowing that my W never even wanted to try and save our M. And I told her when this all went down that I would resent her if she didn't at least try...and on some level I probably always will. How could I not? She said for better or worse...well apparently that was bullsh!t. Just makes me sad to know that when push came to shove...she didn't have what it took to do what was right...to face the obstacle with love, faith and trust. Which is so much harder than facing with with anger, doubt and fear....but it is the right thing to do.
She had her opportunity to step up and have some faith and try to make this work...but she didn't. And I know in my hear that if she could have done that...it would have worked. I know it. Oh well. All I can do now is move on with my life having learned a lot about myself, about realationships and about life. You are right Ian....because of all of this...whoever does end up with me will be very lucky.
