I think we have all wondered at one point or another whether by not chasing/pursuing and being so chipper our WAS might say we're ok, and we've moved. I think the answer is no, assuming we told them before we wanted to work on the M (and almost all of us did, multiple times). Plus, even if they thought maybe we had moved on, if they have a change of heart, or a seed of doubt, it seems unlikely they wouldn't follow it or act on it just because they think now we have moved on. Just my cents.
Nomopo
PS - One last thought. I guess the risk of the spouse thinking that is promounced when LBS's are DARK. Another reason I think going dark is overrated and probably used too early. Like Michele said in DR, start with the simpler, less radical marriage saving-strategies first. Why use dynamite to open a door when a different key might work?
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I think darkness seems to be a little overrated around here, and people are too quick to try it.
I agree.
Me:38 W: 35 Married 11 years 2 daughters ages 7 and 3 D filed by her [url]http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1143353&page=2#Post1143353[/url]
I vote for telling her you miss her. Or that you miss "us". The point about being the only broken family camping is a good one. You can say that it reminded you of the good times you used to have. You do want to try to get her mind to thinking about those good times too. I think with nice, warm feelings, communicating them is a positive. Now I can see restraining the negative ones, but even then, sometimes I think those need to be honestly but non-threateningly communicated too.
I still havent for sure decided as to what I am going to say to my wife in about 2 1/2 hours. I guess I am leaning towards not saying the I miss you this morning. I am going to go for the friendly and upbeat conversation and see where that leads me.
Another thing that I am considering is in the next few weeks just tossing out there if she would like to attend the fireworks on the 4th with me and daughter.
After having the whole weekend with my daughter, and this upcoming week I will have very limited contact with her mostly because of my work schedule it is a bit of a downer so I need to work on me and my attitude right now, and this week too.
I do not know what is harder just waiting for the other shoe to drop, or when it actually does? I guess that is what GAL is for.
I still havent for sure decided as to what I am going to say to my wife in about 2 1/2 hours. I guess I am leaning towards not saying the I miss you this morning.
FWIW, good use of the 48-hour rule. When in doubt about what to do, don't act. You can always use the "I miss you" later if you think it is the right thing to do.
I can tell you that I ma 99% sure the "alpha male" approach would not work with my W. Maybe some, maybe many, but not mine.
Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
This right now is always one of the hardest times for me, right before she comes to pick up our girl. She will be here in about 1/2 hour. Going to try to get a few more hugs in with daughter before she goes.
When wife gets here I plan to be PMA ish. Going to thank her for fathers day present. Go for a bit of conversation. Going to try to slip some sort of compliment in towards her. I think if I do it correctly it may go a ways to helping "things". Somehow tell her she looks good, without being to obvious about it.......
have you signed up for a DB coach yet? I believe it was what saved my marriage. I don't believe in total darkness. I backfired on me. What my coach said to me stuck with me and I used it a lot...give a compliment and RUN. It really works. Just before she gets into her car, say I always admired how you always keep your car clean, then turn around and close the door, as an example. Try flirting with her without her realizing what you are doing, then run!
me:51 H: 48 No kids together M:14 years seperated:Ask him to GET OUT 3/21/11 Piecing 09/14
Well she has came and gone. We did have some daughter scheduling talk. I did thank her for the fathers day present. I asked her if she had had her hair done as I thought that it looked real good.
I also asked her if she wanted to attend my work picnic with me and daughter in July, and she did turn that one down. That was probably one I should have left alone, but I did it in a light way, was probably some pressure, but I guess I did get the message across that I am still willing..... Now I guess I need to leave it be.
I did notice that she did look pretty tired. Like that she was not sleeping well, and perhaps sad.
I suppose at this point I have no indication that our situation is escalating, so maybe no news is good news? I dunno. I need to go get some lunch then some sleep before work tonight.
She is thinking about a lot of things and this is hard on her NDDT. However you have NO idea what she is thinking and you just need to stop trying to figure it out. I know that is incredibly hard but it is what is healthiest for you and any chance you have at saving your M.
