Dont even know where to start. I feel as if my heart is hardening. I have been DBing pretty hard for 2 1/2 months now with basically zero results. Yeah once in awhile I do see what I think is a baby step, which is almost always followed by a bigger step back.
I do miss my wife, but what I miss is the good times. I feel more and more that she is truly not going to come back no matter what I do. I also at times feel like I do not want her to come back. I am making changes in me, good changes, positive changes......but it does not seem to matter....(to her). But for myself, I do feel better because of some of the things I do. The further I detach, which is probably good, the less I want my old marriage and all of its dysfunctionality. I am not throwing in the towel yet, I will remain patient. But part of my mind is beginning to agree with her assesment...."it's too late"
Financial frustrations are also beginning to take there toll. I am just squeeking by, and it seems like lately I have been getting hit with unexpected bills left and right. There is the Overtime option, but then I lose time with my child. I dont want to lose time with her. For several reasons. She helps me keep my sanity for the big one. I also believe that she actually is happier when she is with me.......she tells me this. Another big one being is if there is a custody fight on the horizon, I want to show I have been a good/responsible parent. I have been keeping fastidious records of all the time we have together, what we do. What she is fed. When I put her to bed........so on.
I have also come to the realization that perhaps I have become to dependant on these boards. I mean the support is nice. But this battle is mine. I sometimes feel as if I am looking for too much validation and support here. If that makes sense. My switch to the seperated board has yeilded me zero replys.... Which made me remember that this is my fight, not no one elses....
Today I called the parents of one of my girls classmates. Asked if perhaps the girls could get together and play sometime. They invited us to attend a parade with them. So we get in there car and the very first thing my darling daughter did was to anounce to her friend....."my mommy and daddy dont live in the same house anymore" I knew it would come up......I suppose this is definatly the biggest news in her life.
Me and daughter did talk for a bit today. She is doing ok. I made sure that she knows that I love her no matter what, she just smiled at me and says, "I know.....I love you too"
Am hanging in there. Today me and child visited out local musuem and library. Went swimming had supper. Took a long walk for ice cream cones. Talked to a buddy of mine, may come visit soon.
The thing about all of this that drives me so crazy sometimes is the uncertainy of it all. Not knowing what is gonna happen next. Nomo I seen you touched on this theme in the last 24 hours too......
I mean here I am, married for 4 years. With a beautiful daughter. Just bought a house. Both of us making decent money, bills are getting paid. Things seem to be going ok. Yeah not always happy, when she did something that made me angry or hurt...just suck it up, thats part of being married, right? But honestly for the most part content with things.
Then bammmmmm, within 2 months my world is turned upside down. My wife moves out, leaving me with the complete finacial burdon of maintaining this house. I see my daughter only 1/2 of the time I used too. Although I will admit that the time I spend with daughter is much more high quality now.....
In retrospect, when I try to see thru "her" eyes, yes I can see where she felt neglected. That I did not pay the attention to my wife that I should of. That perhaps, instead of just "sucking in up" I should have truly been there. I did fail her alot.
But dammit, I did not quit us. I wanted to work things out..I wanted to go to counciling, and do whatever it takes. But in her words........"its too late" and when I think about this, it really pisses me off. For what she has done to our marriage, our daughter.
I guess I need to still do whatever it takes, but this stand off.... this long period of nothing well it wears on me. I am tired of all of the uncertainy. My hopes are fading, it is sad.
I am just babbling here......perhaps just need to attempt to purge some of the poisen that has been eating me lately. Need to remember that I have also been doing alot of good lately too. I am Getting A Life. I have been reaching out to people. I am working hard at being a more extroverted person. I think that there are a whole lot of guys like me out there too. We do our work, our family thing, watch TV, play on our computers.... but do we have any real friends? I had some good friends about 15 years ago... but people move, things change. I know that I need to continue to work in that direction.
Ok......I will shut up for now. Dont hardly know what I am saying anymore right now. Thanks for reading my stuff......
I am sorry you are feeling frustrated. I can definitely identify w/ many of your frustrations. I am sure most all of us can. It is good that you are getting them out here and sorting through them.
I know you feel like you have been DBing w/ no results, but you have also talked all the positive changes you have made in you and those are results! I know the ultimate result you want is to save your M, but if that is going to happen, it is going to take patience and time. In the mean time, make your life what you want it to be, whether or not your W chooses to join you in your journey. It sounds like you are headed in that positive direction anyway.
NDDT - I pretty much feel like you do too. The key is to not let ourselves feel like that more than we have to, because it is draining. And Kat's right. Time and patience (another reason we have to purge those thoughts if we're going to make it to the end of this long road).
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Donna said on Nomo's thread "Just checking in to see if your PMA is back up. I know all too well how hard it can be to keep it there. When I am really down, my C has suggested I set an alarm for 15 minutes of expressing it (and boy, do I express it!), then go back to my Grounding List (similar to GAL, but more immediate"
This does make alot of sense to me. It is something I need to work on. Sometimes I get stuck in my negative attitude rut, well, for days. It is not a good place. Finding a way to just let the poisen out in a way that is not going to cause me any further problems, and moving on. I mean if I am to face facts, being in the negative place is not very good detaching anyhow. I must admit that most of my negatives are about her and the situation.
I like what donna also said about the grounding list. Because when I am in my rut, I accomplish very little. And I keep thinking of all of this stuff I need to get done. Some little stuff, some bigger........ie change oil in car, get a haircut.....rearrange furniture. I have been thinking of getting a little notebook and everytime I think of something I need to do write it down. When I get stuck, just open this book and pick something.
I know this probably sounds stupid to some of you. But when I am "stuck" it is like I can hardly think.
Spent alot of time last night reading abouttobedivorced's thread. Some interesting stuff in there, seems like this guy took GAL to the max. Also got a kick out of the letter he sent her.....boy I would like to send my WAW a similiar letter some day!
Dropped daughter off at wifes sister a little bit ago. I already miss her, will not see her until Monday. But on the other hand I think I need some time by myself too. I love my kid, but she sure can be demanding at times!!!
I feel like I might be coming out of my rut some here, I got to work the next 3 nights. Work sucks, but the funny thing is that I do get some of my best thinking done when I am there.
