How long does Replay last?

[a new 2moro]

well shes a young thing ...nothing else applies.....

[MidwesternGirl]

talk to Holly...the pole swinger she has great insights on this! It helped me to understand why they affair down. Yeah my H's OW is a cow..gained so much weight she qualifies as an amazon woman....ok it gives me some satisfaction i admit but i understand now why he doesnt see it.

Oh you are soooooo funny!!!!!!!!!!!!

Holly the pole swinger---that is the first crack-up, then the amazon woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh, goodness....you are too much!!

Thay affair down alright---

How are you doing AN2M?

[Holly06]

If you really want to laugh, know that I am a Kindergarten teacher going to turn 50 this summer!

I need help fastening my garter belt, AND finding it!

Where did my breasts go? There were here a minute ago!!!!!!!!

[a new 2moro]

Holly I am a 51 yr old equestrian.....pole swingein' sounds fun.....your posts help me calm down a bit....

SF, Better it goes in spurts ..tomorrow is meeting with L for hearing about D in June....turns my stomach.....but Hollys outlook about OW helped.

I do have a rank sense of humor...

[still hoping]

Journaling...

Confused, even though I know there is nothing for me to be confused about. Letting H's actions mess me up again, even though I know better - so just want to get thoughts down here and be finished with thinking about it.

So H knows that I know that girl he introduced me to is OW. Still has not admitted anything to me. Friends are all starting to get mad at and lose respect for H because of his actions lately (unrelated to me). Won't talk to anyone about anything other than work. None of that bothers me, but so much information coming to me from all directions lately. Actually, the more people lose respect, the more I feel like I need to defend H. Crazy, I know.

Asked H to join us tonight for dinner for S5's birthday. He did and it was good. First time we've had dinner out as a family since Jan (which is also when he said he had no more feelings for me when I asked him to come home - same restaurant too!). He was much friendlier than usual - seemed less depressed than he's been, talking/interacting more with me and the boys (both of them, not just S5 like he usually does). Of course, only topic was about work. My job came up and I said something about not staying there because the pay could not support me and that I have some options to consider (didn't mention they were overseas). He mentioned how much he will be making (which is very likely because of a contract he's secured) and how - I think he said "we" - could look at investing in something - can't remember his exact words, but it was definitely along the lines of his salary being good and him having enough money for me. I've learned to not depend on anyone anymore, so I am still deciding on my 2 options for myself. If he wants to contribute, great - but given the ASTRONOMICAL amount of debt he's accrued in the past 6 months, I don't see him having anything to spare once he begins paying that off.

Having S5's birthday party tomorrow at in-law's. I've invited several of our friends - really don't know what to expect. All friends have said they're on my side (even though I don't think there are sides to be taken). They have gone so far as to not attend a mutual friend's wedding because I was not invited (after friend found out H was bringing OW) and because guy friends do not want wives (my friends) to meet/find out about OW. Guy friends don't even know that I know about them not attending and wives are even more clueless... Felt really bad for friend, who apologized to me for not inviting me in the first place - said he should've asked H not to bring her and that he really wanted me there. That friend, who was previously on H's "side" is now starting to lose trust in H and thinks he has become extremely selfish. So much unnecessary drama. Anyways, have been good about keeping the drama out of my life lately. I'll listen and discuss stuff with friends who have info to offer (it actually helps me to know the truth), but I no longer obsess about H and his actions. I've pretty much just written him off as insane. Tomorrow is S5's day, so I'm sure everyone, including H, will be on their best behavior.

[Lissett]

Happy bday to your Son.

Focus on that .

I hate that they are friendly and then not friendly and then we get sucked up in the drama.

OW is trash don't mind her. Hard I know.

It will easier with time. Detach a little bit everyday, take it half hour at a time.

[ourcrisis]

I always try to think that H is just sick (as in having an illness). These H's really act and think totally different. From the worst part of my M a few months ago when h was almost a completely different person, to now when I am seeing a bit more of my original h back every week, the change is dramatic. Not just R stuff, just everyday thinking/acting.
Meanwhile, just focus on you and your kids. Forget h now. There is no need to put yourself through the roller coaster drama of him. Take care

[still hoping]

People have told me that one day I'll just wake up and realize that I don't want my H back anymore. I think that day has come - except that I didn't actually wake up. Spent a sleepless night - first one in many many months - recounting the events of the past 18 months and still can't believe how horrific they really are. The lies he told and continues to tell to this day, even when there is no R between us, the things he has done to make this affair happen (trips to other countries to see her, bringing her here, borrowing hundreds of thousands of dollars to open a restaurant to employ her so she could stay here, employing her friends from her country - paying them double what he could pay for staff who didn't require work permits, borrowing even more money from friends to keep the failing restaurant open, living with her - ALL facts which I have been told and not a single fact has come from him). MLC or not, this monster of a man he is now is not who I want to be married to nor the person I want to raise my sons.

I'm finally waking up. Now I need to figure out how and when to tell him about my decision to move several countries away (but at least in the same time zone...). Do I write a letter, email, call, set a time to meet him? Would much rather do it face to face but can't bear to see those lifeless eyes staring back at me. And what do I say? Still nothing about the hurt and damage he's caused? Or do I let it all out? And when do I tell him if I don't plan on going until the end of the year?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated...

[still hoping]

It's been a while since I last posted. No new drama to report. But I have definitely seen a change in myself these past few weeks. I have completely let go of my H and finally realize that there is nothing left to save. At this point, I'm no longer even trying to rebuild a friendship with him because I know that he's not ready and I don't want to hear any more lies. Actually, I now find it totally unrealistic that I thought we could remain friends.

I've made the difficult decision to move at the end of the year but have yet to inform H and his family. Planning to do so in August. By then, I hope to have a better idea on whether I will file before I leave as well, or still leave that part to H. The decision to leave has been so hard for me to make, but now that my mind is made up, it's like a huge weight has been lifted and I can start making plans for my future. I'm no longer stuck. All of this is very liberating, but at the same time, very sad to see it end, and I know there is still a lot of drama to come.

The decision to move on emotionally has been difficult as well, because I would so much rather go through hell with my H now to have things work out in the long run instead of running away from everything. But I really feel that I have done all that I can do at this point. I can say I'll give him another 6 months, but I don't think he's even close to coming out of his crisis and I don't want to look back and see 3, 5 or even 10 years pass just like that. Given his tendency to avoid conflict, I'm not even sure he'll ever face his demons. I've realized a lot of things about him are not his fault - like his irresponsibility, which is totally a result of how he was raised, and how he continues to be pampered and saved by his mother. And because he will never take responsiblity for any of his actions, he will never learn or change. His family, as loving as they are to my boys, is extremely messed up and it's not the environment I want my kids to grow up in. This legacy of cheating husbands and loveless marriages ends here.

I wish that I could say that I still believe in my H. But he is so different from the person that I married. The person he is today has no courage, no sense of responsibility, no compassion. I have lost my respect for him. I want to get out of this M so that I can remember the 11 years we had together for what they were - a great friendship filled with love, passion, trust, honesty and overall, happy memories. With each passing day as my feelings for him diminish, the memory fades a little more.

I've had several vivid dreams these past few weeks about H coming back home and things being good. You'd think it'd make me feel good to have these dreams, but they actually are very depressing. H is still so far from waking up and even if he did, I sometimes dread the thought of him wanting to work things out. Up until maybe last month, I would have given anything to have him walk through that door again, but lately, I've literally started deadbolting it so he can't.

Speaking of coming back, I spoke to my friend (the one who just got re-married) who shared his story with me about his D from his ex-wife. They had been fighting badly over several months. His job required him to travel for several weeks at a time so before one of his trips, he told his W to figure out what she wanted by the time he got back. When he returned, she had his bags packed for him. 18 months after their D, she went crawling back saying she had made a terrible mistake and wanted to work things out. He tried half-heartedly, but it was already too late for him. He never claimed that she was having a MLC, but she says that she can't remember a lot of the things she said during that time and felt that all of the decisions she had made were wrong. She re-married twice, with both of those M's ending in D. So it does seem to be the pattern that they do come back - just never at the right time.

[still hoping]

Feeling a bit flustered, but it's ok. Personally, I'm doing well after having made up my mind to leave. The problem is that I am now on the receiving end of a whole lot of information that our friends are now starting to share with me because they are genuinely concerned about how H is messing up his life. It's no longer just about our relationship - his financial situation is suffering to the point that he may have to declare bankruptcy and he's not even taking it seriously. Friends all separately have bits and pieces of the puzzle, but I now know almost all of what's going on with him and how he's even screwing his friends over. I've had to let friends know other facts I've learned so that they are protected financially, otherwise, I would stay out of it.

What I am struggling with now is that I worry his family will take a pretty hard hit if they decide to bail him out. Everything he's doing is without question for OW, who he has given control of the accounts too - she is filtering money out of the company and using it as her own personal expense account and H doesn't seem to care. Borrows more money to cover for it (tens of thousands). It's truly unbelievable what he's doing for her. She's got her claws in deep. I think I've decided to just let it go and hope that he really hits rock bottom so that he realizes what a fool he's been and how he's lost everything. Me telling the family would only make them question my motives. But in this case, I think tough love may be the answer and it's a lesson he's going to have to learn the hard way.

*big sigh*