Dazed and confused

[Iamworththetime]

I'm lost and I don't know what to do, last night my wife of 11 years told me that she doesn't love me anymore and that she wants a divorce.

We went through something similiar about 3 years ago, and with the help of this website and couple therapy we reconciled, and things seemed to be going pretty good until about 6 mos ago. A friend of hers from work got divorced and my wife started making comments like " wow, Christine's really doing well since she and her husband divorced", and then she started going out with her newly single friend sometimes 3-4 times a month.
The last time we went throguh this, it was basically my fault, I wasn't a very good husband to her, I was verbally abusive and generally just a giant ass. with the help of a therapist I was able to work through the anger that I had and was able to let my "real" self come out and put that angry guy to rest.

My wife tells me that even though I'm "okay" now, she just can't get over how I treated her before and she only got back with me to see if she would fall in love with me again, and that she just can't get the feeling back. I have asked her if we can at least try seperation and maybe counciling and she said any counciling she does will be for her by herself and she doesn't want to go to marriage counciling with me. This is killing me and I know it is going to be devestating to our two little girls. but she just doesn't see that it will hurt them.
We are supposed to go on vacation this coming week with her family and my family and I'm supposed to act like nothing is out of the ordinary and I just don't see how I can, I still love her and I just don't know what to do. Help!

[NikB]

(((Dustin)))

Sorry you're here - especially again, that's so hard.

If you've done this before, you know what to do - get back to basics. Stay positive, keep the focus on you, "Get A Life" (if you've let it slide).

Stay strong, for you and your girls.

[Iamworththetime]

Thanks Nikki, I know that I have to be strong, but the hurt is so real. I came back to this site for a refresher course because frankly I'm at a loss as to what to do. I'm going to go stay with my brother tonight, but everyone keeps telling me that SHE should move out of our house, not me, but the problem with that is my kids and how they will react. I just don't know what to do.

[NikB]

I know - it hurts and you're probably feeling very raw right now.

I'm glad you have somewhere to stay tonight.

What do you think is best on who moves out?

My gut reaction is normally to stay, since she's the one who wants out, but do what feels right to you.

[Iamworththetime]

The thing is, I don't want either of us to leave, but I know that's not reality.
I work shift work so finding what to do with the kids when I'm at work is going to be the hard part.

[NikB]

Is there a way you could separate but remain in the same house for now? Separate bedrooms or something?

[Iamworththetime]

Yes, I could "move" upstairs I guess, but I don't know if she'd agree with that, also, how am I supposed to go in this vacation and pretend nothing is worng?

[NikB]

On the separation idea - it's something you could suggest, if you think it would work for you. It's very difficult to do, but if you can do it and continue to detach and DB, it might be a solution (at least for the interim, so you're not sleeping on different couches every night..).

About the vacation... what do you want to do that you do have control over? (not what your W wants, what you want).

My answer is different depending on what you want to do right now.

[Iamworththetime]

Well, I think we should go because our kids are excited about it and I don't want to disappoint them and although it is slim, I think there is still hope that we can reconcile. Should I make anything of the fact that she called me 3 times today? Twice this morning for little stuff, and then once about 20 minutes ago with something about our daughter. I was supposed to work overtime tonight, but I got a co-worker to cover for me, well, she asked me if I was going to work tonight, and I said "no, I'm going to watch the Spurs game with my brother and I'm going to spend the night at his house, she sounded kind of shocked and after a pause said "be careful". I don't know, maybe I'm reading to much into it.

[NikB]

It's easy to read too much into things - try to detach from that for now. But yeah, I do think it's probably a good sign.

About the vacation... I still don't see what YOU want to do, just what you think is right for the kids and the marriage. But that said, here are the options I have bouncing around in my head:

- Go, act "as if" nothing is wrong. Be happy, fun, upbeat, have a fantastic time!!
- Go, but talk to your families first and let them know you are having difficulties. Go on the trip together, but not as husband/wife - act more as friends taking their kids on a joint vacation. (still be happy, fun, upbeat)
- Don't go, if you think you can't handle it right now. As an alternative what if your W takes the kids now, with her family, and you plan a trip with them and your family later on?

It's really about what feels right (and possible) for you. No matter what, if you do go, put absolutely NO pressure on her and don't get your hopes up about reconciling. No expectations, no pressure right now.