Schools Out for the Summer!

[ItsKat]

(((Dana))) I am so sorry. The emotions will catch up with you. It is like grieving a death. Let yourself go through it.

You have already shown that you can and will make your life great apart from H. I have no doubt that you will come out of this well.

[galing]

Shoe, Kat, HS: Thanks for the support.

Just had counseling which was helpful today. So, want to reflect on some of what I've learned in the past year regarding what I need and want from my life and a spouse and what I'm learning about myself. Need to just get some of those thoughts down.

1) I like being a social person and having people at my house and entertaining and making new friends. I'm meeting a lot of new people and that feels good. I believe that is happening for a few different reasons 1) I'm putting myself out there, 2) I'm willing to share of myself and my life with others which opens them up to share back and create a bond, 3) I think I really have a good energy about me (I'm outgoing, and positive and fun) and that is attracting others.
2) I like to give advice or share what I've learned with my friends when they ask and we are talking about marriage. It makes me feel good and I do that with humor.
3) I have a good sense of humor. Through all of this, I laugh often, even when I'm in some of my deepest moments of heartache, I can find a way to laugh at myself or the situation.
4) I have some specific needs that weren't met in my marriage that I wish to have met in a future relationship. 1) Acts of Service is huge for me, 2) Spending time with a man communicating about future plans, feelings, wants, desires, and just being able to debate and talk about life is big for me, 3) Affirming words and touch.
5) I'm aware that I speak a different love language than others and I want a partner who knows what his needs are and can communicate them, and then I know I will meet them because to love someone means meeting their needs and making them feel loved in the way that they need, not the way that I think I need.
6) I didn't have a work/life balance in my life previously, I need to have that and want that and now have that. Marriage comes first and people come first.
7) I'm really hard on myself and second guess myself a lot, especially in the current situation. I need to be confident in the fact that I know what I need and deserve and not accept any less than that. If someone else isn't willing to meet those needs, it isn't because what I'm asking for is controlling, but rather because the other person has a view of it as controlling due to their own issues and really what I'm communicating are my needs and if they don't wish to meet them, that is about they don't want to show me love which I can't change. I think often in our relationship, I was told I was controlling when in fact, it was that I was communicating what I needed and my husband simply wasn't willing to fulfill those needs to do his own issues of seeing life through that control lense for whatever reason or due to whatever. I know I need to learn how to communicate my needs better though and will continue to work on that so they don't come off as demands, or ultimatums but rather as what I need to be feel loved.
8) (This one I am still struggling with because I tend to take on a lot of blame) This isn't my fault. Yes, I contributed to the breakdown of our marriage and I made mistakes. But in the end, I was willing to come back to the table, forgive and be forgiven, see what we both did wrong, wipe that away, and start fresh and meet his needs and communicate my own. He wasn't willing or able to do that and I can't control that or change it. In the end, marriage should be about a lasting committment and two people being willing to work on it together and that does take two people, not one.
9) Marriage is a lot of work. Should I be blessed with it again, I want my partner to be committed to working on it forever by going to retreats with me, reading books with me, finding a spiritual foundation together, etc. I won't accept less than that because those are my needs to feel loved and respected and like I'm giving it a true chance to be great. If someone loves me, I believe they will be willing to participate in those activities with me and will bring their own list of needs to the table that I will meet.
10) I am a really responsible young woman when it comes to my finances and how I prepared both my husband and I for our current financial situation. This is going to be hard financially but thank God I made sure we saved while we were young so we'll both have something to lean on for a while.
11) I have some body issue problems. I've gone from a size 8 to a 4. I look in the mirror right now and I still at times see that 8. I looked fine before but losing the weight was good for me and I do look better now. However, there are times when I still see that 8 and hear my H telling me I'm overweight and wondering if someone won't love me if I gain weight to the point that I am thinking about it too much, at times and to the point where I don't always realize how small I am now until I try on clothes and see the sizes written in them. It isn't a huge issue but something I'm congnicent of right now and will be talking to my therapist about to make sure it doesn't become any kind of issue even in the slightest manner.
12) I tend to take on other people's problems and try to fix them, like with my brother, to the point where I can enable them by just listening and not saying anything or by trying to help too much. I have to at times, put myself first and I am doing that for the first time for myself in a long time. I think this will be important to remember especially when I'm a mom myself someday. I can't control others, and I've learned great lessons from dbing regarding letting go of that control and letting others fail or succeed on their own.
13) I am a bit afraid of conflict. I'm not assertive enough at times or confident enough in my thoughts/opinions and I need to really own up and be true to myself and state my feelings and then be okay with the fact that others may not like what I said.
14) I'm a great teacher and I love my job.
15) I want a better relationship with my mom and I need to work on that. I need to realize I won't get her approval in my life and accept that and just love her.
16) I think it's important to always have personal goals in life and actions for how to meet those. Once I reach those goals, I need to set new ones and continuing growing and changing and living.
17) I think it's important to be grateful and set aside time everyday to give thanks for what I have in my life through prayer, a gratitude jar, or just thought.
18) Being physically active is important to me and good for me socially and physically. I love yoga and volleyball.

There are many other things.... those are just a few that came to mind that I felt like jotting down while in a moment.

[Rob1231]

Hi Dana,

First, I'm so sorry your H is doing this. It's a shame - that man is clearly giving up on the potential for something amazing with a truly special person, and all due to his own short-sightedness and selfishness.

Second, don't you doubt for one second that you did everything possible to make it work out. You are a fantastic example of how to do this DBing thing. Regardless of how your R ends up, you have done the right things, over and over, with strength, grace and dignity.

Finally, your list is terrific. What you came up with "off the top of your head" is more than most people learn about themselves in a lifetime. Bravo!

[care]

Dana,
You truly inspire me. Your H continues to fall deeper into his pit of despair and you come out shining.

I know that I could not attempt to reflect and to gain insight and get half of the results you do. You don't wallow in what could have been, you are going out to make it happen. You are the epitome of living life.

Hugs to you. carrie

[galing]

"What you came up with "off the top of your head" is more than most people learn about themselves in a lifetime. Bravo! "

"It's very impressive to see someone so sure of who she is and what she wants."

"You don't wallow in what could have been, you are going out to make it happen. You are the epitome of living life."

Thanks Rob, HS, Carrie. Those statements really meant a lot.

I'm going to make a statement just for any future posts (not because anyone did anything wrong or bad but to state my needs). I want to ensure I keep my posts focused on me during this next phase. No H bashing, no stating that H will be unhappy forever, etc. Honestly, I am scared for my husband. I do love him and I am very worried about the path he is taking in his life and where it will lead him. I only want for him to be happy and I do hope he finds that within himself and then can share it someday with someone in a true capacity rather than a shallow, in love, short term way. I want him to have the best. I hope he will find it. So, help me keep focused on me please and remembering that regardless of what he choses, it isn't about me, and I do want him to have good things in his life. That will be hard for me to do, because I'm sure like most people here, one of my greatest fears is to see him truly happy with someone else someday, yet I guess I also wish that for him as well because it will mean he found internal happiness and peace.

[swashy]

Dana - good for you. I think everyone going into this knows or should know that they really can't control the outcome of it. You can be the best dber in the world and you M may still not work. You can also be the worst dber in the world and it still may work out regardless. Obviously the better we do...the better our chances...but there are no guarantees regardless of how well we do. THAT is dictated by our spouses. So although you have done an incredible job of dbing - unfortunately the M may not be saved....but YOU have been. In the end, that is what is most important here. Stay strong, practice what you have learned and you will have a happy life.

I worry about my W a lot too. I want her to be happy. But we can't control that. That is for them to figure out. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. As I told Chicki earlier, the best way to do this is to lead by example...and what an example you have been.

[Kman]

Hi Dana-

I just want to say that I think you have a terrific future ahead of you. You are obviously capable of achieving just about whatever you set out to.

It's tough to have "that conversation," I know - the one where a decision point is actually reached and the wheels begin to move in that direction. But I am so glad that you are handling it the way you are - grieving it but also recognizing that there are also doors OPENING for you as well. Despite the things that you wish were happening differently, it's an exciting time - your time. You are strong and I really admire how you're handling this.

Keep it up!

Kev

[Gina]

Dana ~ Just caught up on your thread. So sorry to hear about your H's decision. I am thinking of you and I wish you nothing but the best. With your great attitude nothing but will come your way. Stay strong!

[galing]

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support.

I'm calling it a night - I am exhausted after the week's events so far. Today was a pretty decent day. I was a bit of a rollercoaster, going from feelings of happiness to crying at times. I think it depends on what I'm thinking about. When I think about the possibility of my future and the fact that this man doesn't love me and doesn't wish to meet my needs, I feel happy knowing I am free of that and will be able to really heal and move forward. When I think about what we could have or had at one time, and that he isn't willing to give that a chance and that we're losing the possibility of that, and the craziness of it all, then I get really sad and grieve. All normal I'm sure.

Good day overall though. Had counseling, mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, hung out with a friend, did some baking, and had a few people at the house tonight for grilling. The company just left and I am ready to collapse with tiredness so I'm calling it a night.

Hugs,
Dana

[galing]

on a completely separate, stupid, but fun note...

how many times exactly does someone call you after you open a bank account? the man i opened mine with a month ago has called me 3 times regarding just checking in to see if there is anything he could do for me and then trying to sell me other products and this last time he wanted to be sure I had his name and number to call him if i needed anything. last time i was at the bank, he walked across the bank to greet me and ask how i am. He is super hot. So, crazy me was thinking maybe this was some strange male routine. i am so out of practice, i am clueless. he he.

so not ready for any of that, but kind of nice to think maybe someone hot was checking out the sitch. the new and brave me knows that when I'm ready, I actually won't have a problem calling him and just asking him out, because it is just fun to get to know people, even if he wasn't calling because of that.

my therapist actually told me today that she thinks i should start dating. i thought that was weird. she said the marriage is dead and over since he wants a divorce and she wants me to move on and so maybe she is stating that to help me be nudged in that direction more quickly in case H comes nudging back to just keep me on hand but without wanting to work on it. which always seems possible since he doesn't really seem sure of much. she isn't saying i should be finding anyone, but she was stating that it wouldn't hurt for me to just start going out to lunches and dinners with men for fun. i thought that was a little strange but kind of cool that she thinks i'm ready for that, i guess.