Schools Out for the Summer!

[galing]

Last Thread

Just going to journal about some things happening in my life lately.

Today was my last day of work for the school year! Yesterday was the last day with the kids. It was hard to see them go, and refreshing all at once. Lots of tears from the kiddos. Lots of low income kids that don't know what their summer will bring and who need the stability of school so they have a hard time leaving at the end of the year. Felt that way on a much smaller scale myself I think, with the uncertainty of my own summer plans. It feels good to finish my second year of teaching. It was the longest and shortest year of my life, I think. I feel like I was in a bit of a fog for most of the year and have just in the past 2 months come out of it. I'm looking forward to a fresh start next year. I'm also really looking forward to co-teaching much more next year since I'll be working with one of my closest friends who is moving to the grade level that I'm the specialist for and she is very in to co-teaching and inclusion with ESL kids.

So here I am at summer. I am going back go grad school this summer. I start next week. I applied for a loan to pay for it and I'm still waiting to get all that figured out but it's in the works. My first school loan (eek!). Feels a bit strange and a bit empowering all at once. I've always paid for school as I've gone before or my parents paid so I've been really lucky that way. I know if H and I were still in a committed relationship I would ask him to help me pay for school, but it feels good to just go ahead and do it for myself. It will pay for itself after a year of working so that's good.

I haven't found a summer job yet. I heard back on the one lead and it didn't work for them to have someone short term. However, I have two more leads I'm following up on and if those don't work out, then I may just consider getting something at a local store or something just to have some extra cash and to stay busy. I think it's probably important for me to keep busy and focused on me through that and other things.

I'm playing volleyball and really enjoying that and making a lot of new friends through it. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to meet those people - they are amazing people and extremely social and outgoing and keep inviting me to just the coolest events. Sent out an invitation today for my next card party in July as well. Seeing the Fray in concert next week and having people at my house for a beginning of summer get together. So, lots of good things in store. Looking forward to just getting to know my city better this summer, playing v-ball, working on my masters, playing golf, reading books, gardening, spending time with family and friends, and training my dog in better.

Still hoping to possibly travel in August to Costa Rica since classes will be out at that time. It will depend on risky I want to be with my finances. Roomate situation is still up in the air. I have someone really interested and I have to sit down in the next few days and figure out what I would charge and if it is something I'm okay with doing or not.

On the H front, after a month of not speaking, he initiated contact about 2 weeks ago by showing up at the house. He talked, said he still isn't sure, doesn't know what to do, etc. He had a hard time looking me in the eye, was teary eyed, and seem fairly depressed still. He called me a few days later and about 10 times over that weekend and asked me out for drinks, coffee, dinner, etc. about 4 times. I was busy or had plans at all the times because of the short notice so I declined. He finally asked for something out a few days and I said yes. I backed out though the day before. I wasn't ready and it was too much pressure (the meeting was for on our 8 year wedding anniversary) and I just didn't feel right going after seeing him the week before and seeing that he still seemed in a very dark place and like he needs to keep figuring himself out and what he wants before I hang out with him. I felt I made the right decision when he got very angry on the phone with me for cancelling and didn't seem interested in why or how I felt and also told me he isn't going to counseling anymore.

We've talked a few more times since then and I feel like we have been at a stand still. Neither of us seems willing to budge. He wants no strings attached, hang out and see, and I want more of a committment from him in knowing he's becoming a better man before I see him and in knowing that he will treat me with respect and dignity. I had a weird thing happen one day this week that kind of made me feel like, "okay Dana, you have to meet half way." So I'm trying to figure out what that middle ground might be.

I saw him yesterday for a few minutes. When I see him, in a way, I feel like it's good for me. Although I love him, he doesn't really treat me in a way that makes me want to be around him more. I want him to treat me like someone really special and I feel like he makes little jabs at me here and there and isn't fulfilling any of my needs (acts of service, quality time doing fun things, words of affection). And the thing is... I don't take those anymore as "why doesn't he like me and care about me" but now as a reflection of him instead of a reflection of me and so they really put him in a bad light in my eyes. In a way, me spending time with him may help me be pushed away from him while maybe bringing him closer, so maybe we'll be on a more level playing field regarding our feelings. I don't know. I'm trying right now to just remember that and hang out with him and see what happens. If he doesn't show me he is a good man who is going to treat me well, and build trust and respect with me, then with time, I'll know what to do. So, time will tell and in the meantime, I'm going to just keep trying to ensure that I am reacting in the way I want to react and spending time with him in the ways that I'm comfortable based on how he is treating me and based on how I feel about him.

Okay....long long long post.

[swashy]

As usual, you sound really, really good Dana! Things seem to be in pretty good order for you.

Although I love him, he doesn't really treat me in a way that makes me want to be around him more. I want him to treat me like someone really special and I feel like he makes little jabs at me here and there and isn't fulfilling any of my needs (acts of service, quality time doing fun things, words of affection). And the thing is... I don't take those anymore as "why doesn't he like me and care about me" but now as a reflection of him instead of a reflection of me and so they really put him in a bad light in my eyes.

Boy do I hear that loud and clear!

In a way, me spending time with him may help me be pushed away from him while maybe bringing him closer, so maybe we'll be on a more level playing field regarding our feelings.

Not sure if anything that pushes either of you away is a good thing. And if he persists on seeing you...you may want to explain that to him. Tell him that you just don't see any changes from him and that you are afraid that seeing him may only push you further away right now.

Stay strong hun and here is to an awesome summer!

[Rob1231]

Hey Dana,

What a great post! You sound really solid and strong right now. My first reaction reading it was to be thrilled that more than the first half of it was all about you, and H wasn't really mentioned at all. That's fantastic - your priorities are just where they should be right now. Congrats on stepping up to grad school and everything else!

I just didn't feel right going after seeing him the week before and seeing that he still seemed in a very dark place and like he needs to keep figuring himself out and what he wants before I hang out with him. I felt I made the right decision when he got very angry on the phone with me for cancelling and didn't seem interested in why or how I felt and also told me he isn't going to counseling anymore.

I agree that you made a good decision. He's trying to do some serious cake-eating here, and maybe a good ol' 2x4 upside the head will do him some good.

We've talked a few more times since then and I feel like we have been at a stand still. Neither of us seems willing to budge. He wants no strings attached, hang out and see, and I want more of a committment from him in knowing he's becoming a better man before I see him and in knowing that he will treat me with respect and dignity. I had a weird thing happen one day this week that kind of made me feel like, "okay Dana, you have to meet half way." So I'm trying to figure out what that middle ground might be.

I saw him yesterday for a few minutes. When I see him, in a way, I feel like it's good for me. Although I love him, he doesn't really treat me in a way that makes me want to be around him more. I want him to treat me like someone really special and I feel like he makes little jabs at me here and there and isn't fulfilling any of my needs (acts of service, quality time doing fun things, words of affection). And the thing is... I don't take those anymore as "why doesn't he like me and care about me" but now as a reflection of him instead of a reflection of me

I'm with you right up until this point. You're reaching an admirable level of detachment here - distancing yourself from his behavior and knowing that it's his problems that are making him sad and crazy - nothing to do with you.

... and so they really put him in a bad light in my eyes. In a way, me spending time with him may help me be pushed away from him while maybe bringing him closer, so maybe we'll be on a more level playing field regarding our feelings. I don't know.

Just try not to take those negative feelings too far. Maybe try to picture yourself as the calm, serene, grown-up, strong Zen master who has come through the fire to reach a place of peace and happiness. When you are confronted with the upset, angry, depressed, lost, hurt, confused mess who is your H, look down upon him from your lofty perch with a feeling of pity rather than anger. It sometimes helped me to think of my W's MLC as a sickness - not something she really chose, but something that happened to her which she had no control over.

I'm trying right now to just remember that and hang out with him and see what happens. If he doesn't show me he is a good man who is going to treat me well, and build trust and respect with me, then with time, I'll know what to do. So, time will tell ...

There you go. TIME AND PATIENCE. I know - it's tough, REALLY tough, to be patient with someone who has hurt you like this.

Here's a question for you. What would it take for you to be able to forgive H? (Assume, just for the sake of argument, that H at least starts taking baby steps in the right direction.)

Now the tricky part. Work on answering this question without mentioning H at all. In other words, no "H would have to never cheat again" or "H would have to get serious about counseling and resolving his problems" or "H would have to recommit to the M".

Instead, answer this question in terms of YOU. What would need to change in DANA to be able to forgive H? Now, please don't misread this as a criticism of you - it's honestly not! Looking back at my own sitch, as long as I was holding onto my own pain and indignation over W's actions towards me, I was hurting just one person - myself. Really, W was too nutso and self-absorbed to be paying much attention to how I felt. And as long as I couldn't get over the past wrongs and present craziness, well, that really blocked my chances of looking forward to any kind of positive future.

I eventually worked through this in my head to where I could say (in my own head), "Regardless of what you've done to me, I choose to forgive you. I'm letting those bad feelings go and I am not going to be victimized by them any more." And the weight that came off of MY shoulders was amazing. I "got it" for the first time what they mean when they say "Forgiveness is a gift that you give yourself."

I'll admit, this wasn't as easy and clean a process as I just described - not like flipping a switch. And I'll admit that forgiveness is no guarantee you won't be hurt again - but you know what? You NEVER get that guarantee, from ANYONE. The only way to "guarantee" it is to really learn that your happiness comes from inside yourself, not from anyone outside of you.

Whew, I'm running off at the keyboard again. So, back to my question: What would it take for you to be able to forgive H? Think about it!

[galing]

Just try not to take those negative feelings too far. Maybe try to picture yourself as the calm, serene, grown-up, strong Zen master who has come through the fire to reach a place of peace and happiness. When you are confronted with the upset, angry, depressed, lost, hurt, confused mess who is your H, look down upon him from your lofty perch with a feeling of pity rather than anger. It sometimes helped me to think of my W's MLC as a sickness - not something she really chose, but something that happened to her which she had no control over.

Just want to clarify... I do feel pity for it (actually pity is the wrong word), not really anger (at least not most of the time). I feel turned off by it. It isn't attractive. I'm not attracted to him like this, this isn't the person that I would want to be with because right now, he hasn't yet shown that he is a good man or a man that would treat me well. He is afraid to even compliment me it seems. He doesn't want to show that part of him yet, he is really scared (he has told me that) and so am I. The unforunate thing is the stuff I need to not be scared, in many ways, is the stuff he won't do so he is scared. Maybe he isn't capable of it but he really doesn't want to be that man, to me, right now, and at some point, he will have to step up or he won't and I'll know what to do then. While I see your point about sickness, I think there are quite a few things my H can control about himself right now that he chooses not to because he wants CONTROL and wants to ensure he isn't doing anything that he thinks I'd want him to be doing because then he might be doing it because of me instead of for himself. In my opinion, he's taken that to a crazy level since I don't want to control him, I want him to be healthy and happy, and it only hurts him but he has a notion that I've controlled him in our marriage. That frustrates me because that again puts the blame on me, rather than on him taking responsibility for stepping up and speaking up and knowing what he wants and doing it. Oh well.... again... time will tell.

Here's a question for you. What would it take for you to be able to forgive H? (Assume, just for the sake of argument, that H at least starts taking baby steps in the right direction.)

Now the tricky part. Work on answering this question without mentioning H at all. In other words, no "H would have to never cheat again" or "H would have to get serious about counseling and resolving his problems" or "H would have to recommit to the M".

Instead, answer this question in terms of YOU. What would need to change in DANA to be able to forgive H?

I'll think about this some more. My initial thoughts:
1) Taking a risk
2) Opening my heart up for hurt or good things
3) Letting go of the past and starting totally fresh (although I'm not sure how you do that when you know someone's past and their character in that way already)

I understand what you are saying about forgiveness being a gift you give yourself, however, I am not there. I admit that. Not sure when or if I will be. I really feel like I have come to a place of acceptance but not forgiveness. I don't think I view forgiveness the same as a lot of people here. I view acceptance as the necesary step for me to move on in life, not forgiveness. While the past pains hurt, I feel like I've tried to accept most of them and rebuild my life. The issue I have with spending time with H and why it hurts so much, I feel like most of the time, is the hurts haven't stopped, because I still haven't been treated well. I am not in a place where I can open myself up to this man because I think I'd be a fool to do that since he hasn't yet shown that he is in a place where he does have pure and loving intentions, wishes to gain my trust or my respect. I know you weren't saying I should put myself out there... just thinking aloud and went into a different stream of thought.

[swashy]

Hey Rob - thanks! Needed to hear that. I knew it once...seems like I forgot it along the way. Thank you!

[Rob1231]

I'll think about this some more. My initial thoughts:
1) Taking a risk
2) Opening my heart up for hurt or good things
3) Letting go of the past and starting totally fresh (although I'm not sure how you do that when you know someone's past and their character in that way already)

I understand what you are saying about forgiveness being a gift you give yourself, however, I am not there. I admit that. Not sure when or if I will be. I really feel like I have come to a place of acceptance but not forgiveness. I don't think I view forgiveness the same as a lot of people here. I view acceptance as the necesary step for me to move on in life, not forgiveness. While the past pains hurt, I feel like I've tried to accept most of them and rebuild my life. The issue I have with spending time with H and why it hurts so much, I feel like most of the time, is the hurts haven't stopped, because I still haven't been treated well. I am not in a place where I can open myself up to this man because I think I'd be a fool to do that since he hasn't yet shown that he is in a place where he does have pure and loving intentions, wishes to gain my trust or my respect. I know you weren't saying I should put myself out there... just thinking aloud and went into a different stream of thought.

I'm glad you're thinking about it. I'm going to say one more thing, then I'll shut up about it for a while.

Remember, this forgiveness thing is for YOUR benefit. Exclusively for YOU. I'm not suggesting for you to say a thing to H about it, and I'm not saying he deserves it, and I'm not saying he wouldn't hurt you again. I'm also not saying you are wrong to have felt hurt - god knows, you didn't ask for it or deserve it in any way, and it DOES hurt like hell.

But right now, you've built yourself back up to where you're a pretty happy, confident, terrific person. Except when you encounter or even think too much about H - then suddenly you find you have this anchor around your neck weighing you down. True?

Look at it like this: If H was struck by an alien transporter ray and vanished completely and forever from the face of the earth tomorrow, I suspect you would still be carrying around some pain and resentment from what has happened between him and you. Suppose you know he's never coming back, and that you can never face him and get "closure". Now, your continuing hurt isn't impacting him in any way - but it's still weighing YOU down. So, the question is, REGARDLESS of anything that H does or doesn't do in the future, what would it take for you to let go of that hurting - purely for your own freedom from it and future happiness?

Hope that makes SOME kind of sense. (((HUGS!)))

[Reincarnated]

Dana, as always, you sound so strong and healthy. I didn't realize you just finished teaching year 2--I can only begin to imagine the stress! Your summer plans sound awesome. I see that you teach ESL--have you looked into adult classes to teach? The pay is usually outstanding, and the students motivated. Many private companies, as well as those sponsored by the schools and/or city.

You may be right that you need the distance right now. But I wonder how badly he is treating you if he is inviting you out to dinner. Could his verbal digs be seen as his fear, rather than him trying to hurt you? Does he even realize he is doing it? Can you call him on it when he does it?

He is taking on the risk right now, asking you out on a date, pretty much, and you turned him down a few times and then couldn't go. Men are fragile beings...

Only you know him well enough to judge whether or not he is really trying, and if he is worth it.

[galing]

K.... Rob, sorry, I feel dense but I don't get it.
I don't feel that pain and hurt when I'm not around him or with him or thinking about him. I am happy and okay and rebuilding my life. You are right... I am happy, confident and feel like I'm pretty terrific. I don't really feel an anchor weighing me down except when the alien transporter ray brings him to my neighborhood.

I feel like with time, if he weren't around, I would heal. And I feel like with time, if he is around, and if he is treating me well, then I'll heal too (with him in the picture).

Sorry.. feel like I'm missing something regarding what I'm supposed to be feeling or that I'm supposed to be "getting."

Thank you for all the thought put into these posts!

I've talked to Ian and Scottie about this before but I think what you term as forgiveness, I term as acceptance. To me forgiveness does involve two people.

[galing]

Hi Donna,

Thanks for the idea of ESL adult classes. I'm trying to stay away from doing anything regarding teaching in the summer but if I run out of other options, I'll look into that. It's a good idea. Just don't want to get burned out in the summers with teaching so I can start in fall fresh.

Regarding how he's treating me... it is to be seen yet. Yes, you could be right that some of it is out of fear. He still seems to have anger issues too so maybe he hasn't let go of the past yet either. I've only seen him twice in a month so time will tell.

I hear what you are saying about bruising his ego, but I was thinking of me and putting myself first. I turned him down when he asked me out because every time he asked me, it was for the day of or hour of and I had plans every time except the time when he asked me 2 days in advance, to which I said yes, but then I chickened out.

I did take the initiative yesterday to call him to tell him that I'd like to meet him half way on things and then he called me 3 times last night to see if we could get together. And we saw each other for a bit last night.

I actually felt like calling him tonight, and felt like "wish i could just call without feeling like it meant anything or would be read into, but just because that is what i do with my friends when i feel like talking to them" so maybe H and I aren't so far apart in our thinking of how we want this to be working right now anyway.

[galing]

K... that is way too much H talk for me in one day so I am changing the subject. I don't know why it is but right now, where I am at, I just can't even talk about him and the sitch this much because I feel like it focuses me on things that I really don't want to be focusing on and makes me over analyze things when I really just want to be living my life.

So went on a little shopping spree tonight. Call it an end of year two of teaching outing. Bought myself a lovely pair of shoes, a beautiful white summer dress, a few pair of earings, and some new makeup. woot woot!

Having breakfast with some friends in the morning, yoga in the afternoon, and two parties to attend tomorrow night. On Sunday I've got church and I'm seeing Oceans 13 with some friends.

Hope everyone finds some joy this weekend!