Stillme's Chapters Continue

[L21959]

Stillme and Sunny --
I must say that, while I'm finding these posts very important food for thought for me, and probably quite relevant to the future of my sitch, all this talk about Ls and being prepared for what Hs may be planning to do has reduced me to tears just now!

I'm not trying to be naive here; it's just my gut reaction today to how easily any of our sitches could turn quite ugly. And it's really tearing me up.

How does one gear up for this part? So much of DBing involves working on our own emotional/personal issues to make ourselves better, stronger, more open and honest people...and then there's this other piece that may well come to pass, where we may have to be cold and hard and selfish (not in a bad way, just how it is) That whole part scares the h$ll out of me...

Just thinking out loud in response to some good, hard reality.

L

[confuseddude]

Stillme and Sunny --
I must say that, while I'm finding these posts very important food for thought for me, and probably quite relevant to the future of my sitch, all this talk about Ls and being prepared for what Hs may be planning to do has reduced me to tears just now!

I'm not trying to be naive here; it's just my gut reaction today to how easily any of our sitches could turn quite ugly. And it's really tearing me up.

How does one gear up for this part? So much of DBing involves working on our own emotional/personal issues to make ourselves better, stronger, more open and honest people...and then there's this other piece that may well come to pass, where we may have to be cold and hard and selfish (not in a bad way, just how it is) That whole part scares the h$ll out of me...

Just thinking out loud in response to some good, hard reality.

L

L, it doesn't have to turn that way...all sitches are different. Mine certainly did not turn nasty.

[stillme]

How much time between these two pieces [seriously considering P.career & moving out]?

Tues. Feb.27 was morning mtg w/gym mgr + afternoon/interview for l/s job. Every day H would ask if I'd heard from the lawfirm (I never heard back from them; & I told H that they were not even 100% wanting to replace the pos. but wanted to at least interview me to have on file for future ref). On Fri. 3/2 when I said 'no/not yet' again & started talking about the P.avenue, he shut me down & went into This is What You Need To Do! mode. Ugly phone convo. (he was on his way to airport) and every day when he returned. Could not get away from the talks, and they were stressing all of us out. I think I told him he needed to move out on Thurs. 3/8. He was traveling that wkend & moved out Fri.3/16.

[Nomopo]

Okay, thanks. So six days after the financial blow-up and marked change in his attitude/behavior to generally UGLY man is when you told him he had to move out. I guess I was just wondering if some of his anger was not about finances at all, but about you "kicking" him out. I was fishing and its probably nothing at all. And don't get me wrong because I know you didn't "kick" him out per se. He had been saying for a long time that he was done, moving out, getting a D, etc., etc., etc. But you DID tell him over the holdiays he had to move out when his mom left (again, even though he dropped the bomb, and said he wanted to move out and get D), and then you did tell him to leave 3/8. I wonder if subconsciously (or maybe consciously, but probably subconsciously) he resents that. And even though it was six days later, maybe it has fueled his fire.

Don't get me wrong still. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't have done it. It sounds unbearable the way it was going, and he probably absolutely NEEDS his separation time. But putting aside any consideration of what you did and why, how do you think he feels about the fact that you told him to get out? Do you think he cares at all about it? Do you think maybe you called a bluff, and it hurt/angered him? He certainly can't admit it was a bluff, or that he was hurt or angered by you following through on his suggestion that he was moving out.

If this is a source of his anger (and my only basis for that at this point is how I would feel/have felt, not any of the facts you've given me), then there will have to be some diffusing of it at some point for progress.

I'm probably over thinking it, but it's either that or do some real work.

Nomopo

[L21959]

Nomopo --

Who gets hit with the DB billable hours


Stillme -- your ability to take in and synthesize OT and your C's comments and really work through them puts me in awe!!

L

[SunnySeason]

I'm with ya L, who needs the DB coaches when you can have these two helping sort out our sitch's,
along with their own

I bow to you,

Sunny

[Nomopo]

L, my partners get hit with loss of billable hours.

Sunny, quit including me in those sorts of comments. you and still are co-queens. End of discussion. I cannot wait to come to San Diego, BTW!

[stillme]

Okay, finally home. Girl's in the bath; boy's around here somewhere. . .and I've got a few min.

From OT: DBwise, I think it is a TERRIFIC idea to show H a pilates biz plan with projections. That is really stepping up and showing that you are willing to share in the financial burden. But legally, I don't know if it would hurt your alimony if H's L had your financial projections.

What about some other things? Can you cancel cable? Where else can you save money? Can you find $100 a month to save and ask H what he thinks of those ideas?

Working on the financials & should have something def. to show to L on Mon. w/poss (on her ok) of sharing w/H.

Am looking into saving/cutting into the utilities, etc. Have got mixed signals from H about this in the past (few mo.) tho, but I'm trying to think of how to best do it. Have a few ideas & will have a plan about that by Mon. also.

[NDDT]

Stillme......I am playing around with financials too. I think in my case it will be possible to keep my house, but I got some lifestyle changes to do too. I dont have alot to say right now, am in kinda crappy place, (in my head that is)

later take care

[stillme]

Well, did my financials, checked H's "50%" kid-sharing record (not!), did the checkbook, lots of paperwork and it's all not too bad.

Had a bit of a low this morn. when I saw kids off on the trip to GA for jj tournament. Before we left, I realized S was under the impression I was riding up w/them & friends to see him compete. I was caught flat-footed a bit b/c, well, how do I say I wasn't invited or wanted? Just put it off w/talk of the phone calls & video that would be made. . .But it got worse when I was standing outside the car they'd just been strapped into w/the W (my friend) who was going & I got teary. SHE asked why I wasn't coming if I wanted to, and it just sounded so pitiful that my children's father didn't want me along on "his" wkend to an event my own S was competing in - that it would be too awkward or whatever - that he didn't want to have me in the same car driving home w/him & kids for 7 hrs. Well, it WOULD be diff - but maybe not - and geez! Have we been reduced to that then? I guess so, and it made me sad. Had a small pity party, but am much better now and

Oh hell my friends are at the door. Gonna go eat & see Knocked up! bye!