Straight Into the Storm

[MrsNOP]

How about her parents how are they taking it? I can imagine she is infuriated right now. I am just thinking, but do you think maybe this will just push her away more? She went from unsure about things to anger. This may cause hatred toward you. Like I am so embarrassed it is all out in the open I could never face his family or anyone again. I mean her family will always love her along with her children. It would be easier now to put you out of the picture. I'm not trying to discourage you. Just thinking out loud to what I may feel if my husband told everyone.

Here's my viewpoint on this. Most affairees intend to legitimize their relationship with the OP asap.

So, at some point in the future they have every intention of introducing OP to children, family, coworkers, etc. They keep things secret so they can manipulate what they want at the time they want it. They also want to manipulate the situation to make it appear that the OP had absolutely nothing to do with the breakup of the marriage. They keep the affair under wraps, start the process of keeping the BS deceived and they start explaining to family members that the marriage is having problems.

This usually take one of two tacks - it's no one's fault we've just grown apart or s/he is just impossible and I've dealt with him/her as long as I can.

So, the BS can sit back and do nothing proactive while the WS and OP spin their plans, on their own timetable in order to set themselves up in the best possible light - WITH NO REGARD TO THE BS and little or no regard for the children...

OR

Exposure takes the power of your life back. No matter what the squirming and squeeling cries may say, the reality is that the BS did something BEFORE the WS plans could be fully implemented. The parents, children, coworkers are told the UNvarnished, unmanipulated truth.

So, the squeels are all about having their fantasy plans pulled out from the shadows and machinations into the cold, hard light of day open to scrutiny.

The other option is to sit back and allow your life, your future, your children and their future to be permenantly changed while you do nothing because you fear the spouse might be driven away.

Spouses who leave and never come back after the truth has been exposed are spouses who were leaving anyway OR they are spouses who might stay in the marriage while never lifting a finger to recover the marriage.

MrsNOP -

[Heywyre]

Excellent analogy MrsNop - Let them squeal I say !!

[cac4]

yep. or you could say, he pre-emptively branded them with a scarlet "A".

[Wonka]

Hi Mrs.NOP,

Your views are equally legitimate with others posted here. I am in fact intrigued by your comments. I will be very honest here and say this outloud: This is the first time I've ever seen a post where the LBS implements the exposure plan here on the DB BB. I am very curious if this will be successful in Choc's case and how this plays out in the field of potentiality.

I've read other BB's where exposure is strongly recommended and I've read threads where the LBS struggles to keep the marriage/family together after the exposure. Unfortunately for this BB, I do not see any success stories posted in a specific forum format like this DB is designed so I have no way of knowing of their success rate with the affair exposure method.

LFL:

I believe you might have misconstrued my earlier post about Mrs. Choc waffling and vacillating. Let me be clear...right now, Mrs. Choc is firmly in the OM's clutches and there is no waffling between OM and Choc at this point. However, down the road...when things start to shift...is when Mrs. Choc will begin to vacillating between the OM and Choc. That is a key point in the fork in which, most often, the WAS will go through the painstaking process of cutting ties with the OM and eventually returning to the LBS. From my friends over in Piecing, the most common thread is that these WASes have found the LBS as the stronger and better option than the OP. It just takes time for the perceptions to shift in the LBS's direction---the dopamine fix will eventually wear off and the WAS will see the OP's true colors.

When I hear the words here on DB or in real life, "I need space"--that is code word for "I want to fcuk the OP and run away with the OP!" Choc...be on the alert for these dead weight words.

[Martelo]

When I hear the words here on DB or in real life, "I need space"--that is code word for "I want to fcuk the OP and run away with the OP!" Choc...be on the alert for these dead weight words.

My reaction to the "I need space" talk is that
the person needing space should feel like an astronaut.

Sorry if I am repeating myself here.

Choc you have balls I can tell from here and
whatever happens you can handle it

[Stigmata]

Choco,

Good to see you were just blowing off steam in that past post. Part of the process. But I wanted to give you a don't give up pep talk in my previous post JIC to hedge as you can't be totally sure where someone is emotionally. I think that's what blackfoot, fearless, OT, LFL, Karen et all intended as well.

I've kinda been commenting here because I've experienced nearly every side of this process (except Mrs. Choc's side of course) and thought maybe you could use the perspective. Plus, I appreciate your faith and family values.

Your comment about OM living with his parents, while darkly humorous in a sad sort of way, pretty much cinches it for me as to how Mrs. Choc has been duped. A wolf can sniff out a wolf, so to speak, and I am going to go out on a limb and say this is just a trophy for OM. How this relates to my experiences is thus, and why I've been watching your sitch.

In my 20s I befriended an older M F in her 30s. No kids but a blonde little hard body with 6-pack abs. I was unattached but not looking for M Fs that's for sure. I truly just enjoyed her energy, personality, and company.

Her H, naturally, was/is a very successful sales guy. Well, since I felt pretty much unrestrained in terms of my appropriate interactions with her, I failed to see that my leading, joking, and unpredictability as to what would come out of my mouth next was building attraction. Only later did I go back and see the signs.

I was a person she enjoyed being around. Was I triggering dopamine? She did laugh a lot.

She rarely spoke of her H. One day I was chatting in her office and a large bouquet arrived on her desk. An F co-worker asked her who it was from.

"Oh, a very nice guy." Said with some reserve.

Ah, the dreaded NG word combo special. Always peppered about in my youth on my various friends and even myself and I embraced them like a cute little lamb to slaughter. I am?! Thanks! Ooo, guys, I am sooo IN with her. *guffaw*

(Note to the dating Ms. Hence, I now convey to Fs IRL that I am a very nice person but I am definitely NOT a nice guy. Helps. And clears things up nicely.)

"A very nice guy," she said. I didn't even see it. Didn't even say his name in front of me. Even when I found out that day was her anniversary, which she never mentioned either. She was a friend. I had no intention of escalation, even if most guys would have been far too tempted.

I remember the day it hit me. We were having lunch and chatting when I felt the ball of her foot in her open sandals rest against my calf and stay there. She had her legs crossed. WTF? I felt my face start to flush. Instead of pulling away I wanted to be sure. And she just kept it firm against my calf. Her co-workers were at different tables and might catch a glimpse if they really looked.

And after that I became suddenly aware of subsequent openings she would leve for me.

So why didn't I turn into your OM? Respect. Not conquest. Believe me, I've been no saint in my past behaviors but I knew where to draw the line thanks to a very strict boundary-filled upbringing, among other things, such as a sense of guilt and self-worth issues.

I ultimately did not escalate. Why? Not out of respect for myself (though perhaps in small part). Not out of respect for her H ( I was too young to appreciate LTRs). No, respect for her. I did not want her to be shamed by her co-workers as a cheating W. I valued her too much as a friend not to see her make a big mistake with a young lad like me who had no intention of being tied down.

So I think what if I were infatuated with her and went for it anyway? And if, instead of preferably being in her 30s and ideally having no kids now the added hassle of her being in her 40s with 4 grown kids? Tooling me around in a BMW? Nice living (thanks to you)? Then that more undesirable LTR option might prove that I had no respect for her long term and was only out for myself and the trophy of a MILF.

And if I were lame like the OM and her H turned up the heat on our tryst? I think that would blow me out. Hyenas are opportunists. And Oms are like hyenas. They will commit themselves to the carcass of the carrion the lion has killed as long as they can. But if the lion should come back for more meat and the hyenas don't have numbers?

They will yap yap yap away with tails tucked to their bellies but will scamper off in search of another opportunity.

You came back roaring over Mrs. Choc. Like the lion, if nothing else, you have earned some respect from all involved.

Time will tell how she feels about being exposed. I won't blow snoke up your pipe and say it'll all work out.

time will tell if you can process the anger that will bubble up in you over her infidelity. I won't assure you it won't take years of hard work, prayer, and counsel.


Time will tell how hard Om is willing to fight for Mrs. Choc. To me, is living arrangement and lower income are not going to be able to keep Mrs. Choc happy for long.

And that's partially why I'm pegging your OM as having no intention for an LTr with Mrs. Choc. and I feel sad that she probably doesn't realize it. If he loved her and wanted her for an LTR he would have high respect for her reputation at the gym, which is where I went with my F friend.

I methodically killed her attraction for me as soon as I found out her interest. One test I remember was that I started addressing her by Mrs. (H's last name) to others and to her directly. The first time I did the latter she gasped as in, "I can't believe you just said that."

And that gave me more proof of her interest.

This is a real sticking point with me as I don't yet know the sweet spot in my friendships with Fs that don't lead to attraction on one side or the other. Sometimes when attraction is not apropos for the R, it causes me to go into "Stepford Man" modus and I switch my personality into that resembling the charisma of a wooden indian. I hate that.

"Hi, pleasure to meet you. Nice weather huh? Fantastic. Boy, this is a nice vintage, isn't it? Mmm, boy my mother sure would like flowers like these."

LOL.

Anyway, Choc. I guess the point is that I'm sniffing this guy out as an opportunist who likes riding around in a BMW with a MILF so he can impress his little circle of gym friends. Not because he loves her for who she is, a mother, nice person, and future LTR potential. If he did he would not want her to ruin her self-respect and professional reputation. And I seriously doubt a guy living with his parents sees himself in his lame-brain as the stepfather to 4 kids, including two college-aged girls etc.

My guess is she is eventually going to find this out and beat herself up for risking everything on attraction.

But that's my opinion. Of course, I could always be wrong.

-Stigmata-

[chocolateeyes]

Wonka,

She has repeatedly asked for "space" since Day 1 of my confrontation of her. I have steadfastly refused, saying "No one ever fixed their marriage from across town," to "I'm not leaving my own house," to "you need to find a way to create space and independence WITHIN your marriage and your family, instead of inappropriately OUTSIDE of it."

If she wants "space," she can leave me and live with her parents or live with OM and his parents. Giving her TOO MUCH space is what led to our problems, and I'm not about to make that mistake again.

But boy oh boy, does she hate me today.

Choc.

[chocolateeyes]

Thanks, Martelo. They're a little blue these days, but it's good to have 'em back again.

Choc.

[chocolateeyes]

Tryingtohold on,

Her parents are devastated. Devasted and embarrassed and angry, and it's been humiliating for my wife that they know. It was the single hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life so far to tell them, but honesty has been in too short supply around here and MrsNOP's analysis/timeline pretty much sums up where my wife and OM were at. Sleeping with him was IMMINENT (she was PLANNING on HOW TO DO IT WELL, for goshsakes, on the computer!), so what did I really have to lose?

I will not go quietly.

Her parents asked her yesterday to come over and talk to them about it, and she's been avoiding them for two days. When she finally does get up the nerve to go over there, they're going to give it to her with both barrels. I have preempted her, admitting my faults and my contributions to the affectionless state of our marriage. But I have absolutely NOT taken the blame for her decision to have an affair, nor will I.

She made this mess; she needs to clean it up. I'll be here ready to forgive and join her in the hard work ahead, but she needs to clean up the mess first.

Choc.

[haphazard]

Choc,

I have just been catching up on your thread. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this - it is painful and I do know how painful. But it sounds to me like you are keeping strong, and I'm so glad that you are getting good support both here and elsewhere. You know whatever the outcome that you are doing the right thing and that will be clear in the end. I pray Mrs Choc will see sense, but it will no doubt take time. I like your analogy of the addict - it makes sense.

Just wanted to check in and give you a pat on the back and let you know you are in my thoughts.

Fran