Yes, I still work out there regularly, although I haven't run into him there for since a week ago Saturday, when I shouted his name upon entering, and made him turn white. LOL
She was angry about the exposure, when she said she was "willing to talk -- no lies" this week. She has never told the truth yet (and is still lying to her family), and I've learned to judge her ONLY by her actions, not her words.
I rest on 1Cor. 10:13 and on other verses that promise that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle,
chocolateeyes. BB and I want to the church "Marriage Enrichment" (ME) pastor.
The thing that helped me the most was one of his 10 common sense thoughts. That advice was to become thick skined and not to let what the spouse says or feelings to get to you.
I used to believe in "God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle" I/we will get through this mess, but look at it differently now. I look at some things as "who said that is the way it is. I will keep my thoughts about do we "get through it" to myself for now.
Some people gain strength believing in "God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle." I have had more success with the get thicker skin approach, combined with thinking, "yes, this sucks but this is what I am presented/given to work out.
The lay "ME" pastor is big on responsibility and advocates dropping almost all of the feelings. I see a correlation between getting a thick skin (drop the feelings) and doing the right thing (being strong), being the family leader.
From the ME book:
Affairs = "a romantic or passionate attachment typically of limited duration"
I Affairs are not new! (2 examples from the O.T. - one good; one bad) A. Joseph & Potiphar's wife. (Gen. 39:1-18) B. David & Bathsheba. (2 Sam. 11:1-27)
II. Why does a person break their marriage vows and engage in an affair? A. Sex? - Nope B. Love? - Nada C. Narcissism? - Rarely D. Anger toward their spouse? - Occasionally E. Unhappiness with one's life? - Usually
III. How do affairs begin? A. The 14 Steps of Unfaithfulness
1. Sharing common interests 2. Comparing with your mate 3. Meeting emotional needs 4. Tinges of dishonesty 5. Flirting and teasing 6. Personal talk 7. Touching 8. Special notes/gifts 9. Inventing excuses to Call 10. Secret meetings 11. Cover ups and deceit 12. Kissing 13. Petting 14. Intercourse
IV Can A Marriage be Saved After an Affair? Yes, emphatically, yes!!!
(Mrs. Choc) A. The 8 Steps Out of an Affair
1. Understand the consequences (Prov. 5:1-14)
2. Confess your sin to God (Psalm 32:1-7)
3. Confess your sin to your spouse (James 5:16)
4. Involve a Godly counselor and become accountable (Prov. 12:15)
5. Starve the source [no contact of any kind with the third party] (1 Cor. 6:16-18 6.
6. Determine to become a disciplined follower of Christ (2 Cor. 5:9)
7. Win back your spouse (make large deposits and few withdrawals) (Eph. 5:22-33)
8. Think Godly thoughts (Phil. 4:8) V.
(Mr. Choc) What Should the Offended Spouse do?
A. Forgive (Mark 11:25-26)
B. Determine if you will stay married. If yes, then continue with the following steps; staying married so that you can torture your spouse is not a Biblical option. (Matt. 19:1-12) - see attached commentary
C. Don't take it personally!!! This affair is not about you or your shortcomings. Our faults are never an acceptable reason for another to sin. (James 1:13-16 & 1 Cor. 10:13)
D. Draw near to Christ (James 4:7-8)
E. With your spouse seek Godly counsel and leadership (Heb. 13:17) F. Put the pain in the proper perspective (Phil. 3:8) G Re careful with your words (Matt. 12:36-37)
{God uses time to heal even the deepest hurts.
Choc, I am not advocating you do any of the above things based on my religious views or beliefs. You have most of the above already. I am posting some ideas that might help you in some areas and to support you.
Lou What do you do if your spouse says the A is over and it was nothing? You have no proof that it is still going on unless you snoop and he says thats breaking HIS privacy and trust in YOU?
Sorry to hijack your thread choc. I guess I just feel really unsure of whether I'm doing the right thing right now.
I think you're really brave to confront your W and agree with pretty much everything you'e done so far.
Thing is I had made my mind up as you may remember that I was not prepared to live without afection any longer. Now my H has been way more loving overcome his ED problems and I had felt he was reconnecting and happier with our lives.
I was still pretty sure he was still in contact with EA/PA OW because he still never left his mobile around.
Just recently past few weeks he'd changed and really seemed different much more at ease and was leaving the phone on charge.
I hadn't snooped for months and was up early and he'd kept a text from her that reads as follows...
If a msg is sent from a distance u can't feel the wishes u can't see the smile but u can sense the care that comes from the heart. Hope U R feeling better now no more pain tender kisses xxx
this was dated 16th Feb some weeks befor I felt we were connecting more and prior to ML again.
Now I have no fear of ending the marriage if he withdraws affection again but now I really don't know whether I'm kidding myself on here and I KNOW my H will consider ME the one breaking the trust by reading his personal messages. He will come out with it was just a kind message from a friend and a bit flowery not romantic.
Sorry but I am just really upset that he really seemed to have changed and now I just wonder if he's got better at showing me afection because he doesn't want to lose me but keep his romantic love as well. NOP advice helpful
One comment. There is no place for secrets in a marriage. There is a place for privacy, but most people misunderstand the difference, so I offer my simple example; Privacy is a fart in the bathroom.
I will be glad to discuss at length any of my opinions, but we should do it on your thread.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
shmagic, here is a link to a website that has a nice definition of secrets and privacy.
Excerpt:
The Difference Between Secret And Private
Private matters are those traits, truths, beliefs, and ideas about ourselves that we keep to ourselves. They might include our fantasies and daydreams, feelings about the way the world works, and spiritual beliefs. Private matters, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, give another person some insight into the revealer.
Secrets, on the other hand, consist of information that has potentially negative impact on someone else-emotionally, physically, or financially. Secrets, when revealed either accidentally or purposefully, cause great chaos or harm to the secret-keeper and those around him or her.
Private: I believe in reincarnation.
Secret: I have a wife and a mistress and neither knows about the other.
Private: I got terrible grades in high school.
Secret: I forged my medical degree.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I do agree with you mostly, but I believe that there is a right approach, just that it is different with each situation.
This is the key...each approach fits different situations. I would not recommend this approach for EVERYONE on the BB or on the DB path. One has to take the context of one's marriage and the spouse's personality type. For one, it may be enough to use a garden hose and others need a full blast of a fireman's hose to get the message across. Given Choc's history and his wife's "refusal" to be an intimate partner, I believe this exposure approach is the correct one. However, there is a fine line here---being firm about this and really pushing one over the edge. Just my personal opinion.
You said "lighten up"---which do you prefer: chocolate mousse or laughing gas?!
Choc,
Your wife's reaction is the typical scenario of a person who is heavily involved in the first bloom of an affair. Unfortunately, there's more of that coming down the road before it shifts into different direction(s). She's pissed that she's busted by you and others on what she's been up to lately. At this point, she wants to go underground so she can continue the secrective contact with the OM. This isn't too surprising. Eventually, something will give---the secrecy and covering one's tracks will become too exhausting and the OM will eventually push Mrs. Choc to make a "decision" about the marriage. Which will play out in your favor...she will waffle and vacillate between you and the OM. So, continue being the best option to the OM!
Shmagic Lou What do you do if your spouse says the A is over and it was nothing?
Shmagic, I am learning this A stuff and it is all relatively new to me so rate me big on listening, learning, sharing what I learn when I think it will help, but short on the ability to give good advice on my own.
Eventually, something will give---the secrecy and covering one's tracks will become too exhausting and the OM will eventually push Mrs. Choc to make a "decision" about the marriage. Which will play out in your favor...she will waffle and vacillate between you and the OM.
Well, in defense of MrsChoc (I guess), maybe she is not waffling between MEN at all. Maybe she is just tired of the life she has been leading and wants to be more independent. I mean, does she really think dating this 10 year younger guy is THE issue? I doubt it. If she has some insight, she'll realize it is not about men at all, but about being Herself. Sure, she is using the younger man to give her the "push" but I still say there is more going on here than just getting her off the "affair high." Yes, that needs to be dealt with but that is probably not going to fix the problems. Choco, I don't have words of advice. Just hoping that you are going down the right path. You are doing an amazing job so far and no matter what happens, it seems as though you are going to come out of this whole thing just fine. LFL
LFL I heard something similar to [b Maybe she is just tired of the life she has been leading and wants to be more independent.[/b] many times, especially from 50+ women who are widows. I heard it from 40ish women when I was going to college.
