I agree...I do have a question to put out ther about sex. My H who wants nothing to do with me and says never will again still about twice a month wants sex. H says is just sex and doesn't want me to think it means anything. There is no kissing involved unless he has been drinking and then he is like his old loving self. Not sue about this and when I say something about it he gets mad and says it will never happen again. Any thoughts?
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
I don't know about this. My wife ended our intimacy when she felt emotionally unconnected, and it just made us even less connected, but the sitch is different. Have you seen this: From Michele?
Nomopo
Last edited by Nomopo; 06/05/0703:44 AM.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I know many couples whose physical relationship saved the day. Even when they couldn't talk, constantly fought, their lovemaking was the lifeline between them. Eventually, because their physical connection reminded them that beneath their problems, there was still a lot of love, they were able to work things out. I say, "stack the deck in your favor, if you can."
And just because you say no now, doesn't mean you can't say yes later-- or vice versa.
When my H first moved out, he approached me about still having sex- as in "a friend told me it could be great- would you be interested" ya real nice turn on there. I said no. That I had no comfort with him, no trust and felt no connection (He had even walked on me getting out of the shower and I had instinctively covered with a towel.) He later emailed me that the towel should have been a clue to him and he shouldn't have asked.
That was in July- 2 years ago. Christmas that year was the first itme since he moved out that we had sex. I left his house and cried my way home. It was that connection that I longed for that I knew I couldn't have- god did it hurt. 2 years later though and we're together most of the time now. Just a logistic thing with 2 houses still.
Go with your gut- but allow yourself room to change your mind. My H respected the fact that I told him I didn't feel close enough to him to have sex. I think it showed him I wouldn't run out and have sex with the next guy I saw. It also showed him how much I was hurting.
Great post soxfan. Being on the other side, kind of (my W is the WAS and also the one who ended intimacy), that was useful to hear. She has said she doesn't believe in casual or meaningless sex. And she has also told me her EA was never a PA, and I think I believe that (and suppose I want to believe that, though the EA is bad enough on its own). I don't know if I respect my W for telling me she doesn't feel close enough to be intimate, but it does reinforce for me my gut feeling/belief that she hasn't been intimate with anyone else.
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I want to thank you both so much for your input. I am so glad I found this place. You both have given me great stuff to think about. S
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
Very happy to help S. If you haven't started yet, begin reading other threads. You will get lots of other great advice that way. And offer advice too, as repeating these lessons to others helps it sink in. It is also tons easier to think clearly (and to apply DB principles) on someone else's sitch than your own.
Onward and upward, Nomopo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I have been reading posts on MLC. I think my H is a textbook case. All though he is only 32 I am 44 (I know very modern) we have been together 12 years married 8. We have twin 7 yr olds. My husband was raised by his grandparents from age 6-12. His father left his mother at 5 and his mother was a partier. So the grandparents stepped in a took over. He has 2 older siblings that are 8 & 10 years older. He has always been a mature soul in a young body. Until now! His grandfather died 6 years ago (the time he is saying he our marriage went bad and stopped loving me)and grandmother is in a home. Which he doesn't visit or acknowledge even being alive. He and his family have always been big deniers. The talk about everything & everyone except themselves. Ever since my H left and before, really, I have been concerned about him because he was so close to his GF he was God in his eyes. I don't think he really grieved for him. There was a few days there where he cried and then never really talked about him again. I have mentioned this and he says I am wrong there is no need to think about it?? My H left right after New Years. My nephew gave him a tackle box for Christmas. It was Grandpas. Matt showed some emotion that day. After the family left he went with his friend to get a drink at the bar. He said he would be an hour. 5 hours (drunk) later he came home. The next morning he said he was sorry and doesn't know why I put up with him. Drinking is a problem and a big one in his family. I said I loved him and he is a great Dad and husband. Things progressively became worse from there. He has told me all the classic lines like ILYBILWY, haven loved me in years, wanted to leave for the last 6 years, never would date someone like me, etc. He had an EA 4 years ago and one recently since separation. Both very different than me. My H is a very simple person. No real possessions except his Bass boat which is his obsession. Grandpa would take H fishing all the time. He didn't grow up with much. I don't want this to sound bad but I did. My father is a very gifty person and is always giving or pushing things on us. I think at first H was uncomfortable with this. This maybe why he says he hates the clutter in the house??? Anyway I guess I am asking if this is a MLC and I should be doing something different with this or just keep on trucking along. I do want to say one thing. I have written him letters and he has always read them and thrown them away. H does Bass fishing Tournaments. I gave him a letter that I put in the camper for him to find. (this is during the time of the so called GF 1 mo ago.)I simply said that I am proud of him as a dad. I was proud of his fishing and new he was going to be the best fisherman he could be someday. Something like that. H kept that letter and it is on his night stand at his house. I don't really think that he got much praise as a child. H will not admit any bad in growing up, period, denial again. I don't know if I have given it either but I am doing it know and I think it is noticed. I don't want to over do it. Thanks for everyone's help. S
Can I post this in 2 places?
M15 T19 D13 S13 BD Affair 9/13 S 11/13 D started 6/14.. dropped court date 10/14 H attorney can't get it together. Still with long distance ow. Still hates me.
