Hey choc...I've been out of town for the last week or so, but you were not far from my thoughts. Sorry to hear things haven't improved. As your not-your-lawyer, I recommending retaining one soon. It can't hurt to have some advice on what seems to be coming down the road at you.
The last time I checked in..your thread had locked! The lockmonster must REALLY LIKE you a whole lot!
Congrats for coming out with guns blazing at your attempts to save the marriage. I can tell you straight out that 3-three weeks into DBing is peanuts! [I am not even counting SSM] How can you devalue yourself and the marriage by throwing in the towel after only 3 weeks after exposure of the affair? For this reason, we call this the rollercoaster or the "Fun House" as I call it.
I will be straight out honest with you:
Your wife is behaving like a crack addict...she needs the OM for her dopamine supply. Unfortunately, many people who have affairs have no sense of groundness or reality of the wide path of destruction they are leaving in their wake. Like many DBers who have successfully pieced their M's, many spouses have come out and said that as time passed...they've come to see the OW/OM's true colors and that's when they began to re-think the foolishness of their perception(s). This is the most crucial point where the LBS presents a much better option than the OW/OM. Choco, check your anger and pride at the door! This isn't the time for it. Your wife needs to see you as the strong and courageous person who fought for her and the family.
Choco, you need to keep all of your wits about you and contain your emotions when around Mrs. Choco. Believe me, I've read tooooo many stories on the BB where the former WAS tells their H/W when reunited that the spouse came out much better when they were steadfast and loving in their commitment to save the marriage. These LBSes never painted the OW/OM in a bad light to the WAS--this only serves to drive them closer to the OP in defense. Don't bother with trying to slander the OM to Mrs. Choco--it will be seen as a direct attack to her via OM.
Stay steady, strong, and firm with your boundaries. Yet remember to contain yourself emotionally when dealing with Mrs. Choco...I know easier said than done.
NOP, I wanted to address your previous entry about "would I support the OP meeting the kids...etc." NEVER! I've seen some really unbelievably doormat behaviors throughout the BB. However, there are two schools of thought in saving one's marriage: Exposure/confrontation vs. DBing in a loving, non-guilt inducing way. I honestly believe that there's NO right way about this process. However, MWD's books only serve as a good road map in pointing us in the right direction...just not THE road map of and in itself. I am sure you would agree with me that taking a destructive approach would be extremely counterproductive for all involved. Hence my urgings to keep one's emotions in check with the wayward spouse and vent all here on the BB.
Choco...keep your chin up! The peanut gallery here is cheering you on in each step of the way! [No, I am not Lucy who takes away the football every time!!]
NOP, I wanted to address your previous entry about "would I support the OP meeting the kids...etc." NEVER! I've seen some really unbelievably doormat behaviors throughout the BB. However, there are two schools of thought in saving one's marriage: Exposure/confrontation vs. DBing in a loving, non-guilt inducing way. I honestly believe that there's NO right way about this process. However, MWD's books only serve as a good road map in pointing us in the right direction...just not THE road map of and in itself. I am sure you would agree with me that taking a destructive approach would be extremely counterproductive for all involved. Hence my urgings to keep one's emotions in check with the wayward spouse and vent all here on the BB.
Choc can speak for himself, but you can lighten up, he is and has been back in the game, he just needed to change out skid plates.
No one is being destructive, in fact, just the opposite. Choc is busy, but he can get you updated when he gets a chance.
I do agree with you mostly, but I believe that there is a right approach, just that it is different with each situation.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
ALL of my weak moments, except for one with my wife during the first few days immediately after confrontation that has never been repeated, have come either alone, with NOP, or with my parents or my siblings. God has graced me with unbelievable strength, calmness, and steadfastness in the convos and key moments with my wife, adult children, and the other adults of the exposure, and for that I am thankful and amazed.
My calm in front of my wife, even during yesterday's vile, screaming onslaught (which contained the first "I'm not in love with you anymore" that she has ever admitted), has been almost surreal. SO not me, but yet SO needed in this process, and again I'm grateful to God for giving me that inner peace and resolve that only comes from knowing that you are absolutely doing the right thing, and I'm grateful to NOP who has mentally and emotionally prepared me for every single step that's happened so far (in fact, he's predicted almost all of them ahead of time.)
It's been nothing short of amazing to me how this all follows a pretty predictable "script." Stunning.
Your analogy of the crack addict is apt. The more I study about addictive bahaviors, and the more I think back on my mom's own alcholism, the more this all makes sense. I've studied about brain chemicals that happen during affairs, and during infatuation, and the same chemicals that would make an otherwise smart, rational adult woman WEAR FREAKING DIAPERS as she drove cross-country to "save her man" are making the fetching Mrs. Choc. do some incredibly stupid, and incredibly destructive things to herself, to her husband, and to her family right now.
I believe that when a loved one is addicted, you intervene, and so I've followed intervention strategies and tactics. I understand that's not for everyone, but when you add the context that most of my marriage problems have been caused by an almost dysfunctional LACK of confrontation, I believe it makes the most sense in my situation.
I do not know if it will work. I absolutely know I have no chance if I DON'T do it.
Not to worry, I am back on the wagon and doing the hard work since I "lost the hate" two nights ago. (or was it 3?? The days and nights so run together these days). Funny thing about the board is (and I'm not picking on everyone -- just an observation), everyone says "vent here -- with us," and yet when you do, everyone thinks you've given up and lost all hope. LOL. But re-reading my posts of the other night, yeah, I was pretty despondent and defeated.
God (and NOP) is equipping me EACH DAY with the strength, and the tools, that I need to handle THAT DAY. That's about all I can do right now. This is going to be a long process. Last night my wife went to stay at D20/D18's condo, and told me "she couldn't stand to look at me." Understandable, considering the exposure that took place yesterday. I was loving and calm in the face of her onslaught and her accusations, and just kept telling her "I am fighting to try and save our marriage," and "I'm trying to keep what's left of our family intact."
So much work to be done . . .
Well we made a promise, We swore we'd always remember, No retreat, baby, no surrender . . .
I plan to do that within the week, thanks. While my daily work has been the short-term, immediate stuff that has needed to be done, I also do need to begin to know what my options are. That's just smart.
Sorry to you, Stig, LG and Blackfoot for my slow response. I've been a little busy with my plan, and with, frankly, practically being a "single dad" these days, but I'm trying to circle back and catch up with each of you that took the time to post.
And yes, it's amazing -- and scary -- when you get up off the dime, and begin to take back your life.
Thank you so much for your loving encouragement. Yes, NOP's road is hard, but the vital ones in life always are, and especially so when you've let them grow over with weeds and debris for far too many years. PATIENCE is the thing I'm having the hardest time with, as I know I've got this 26-mile marathon of marriage repair ahead of me (if it even is to be), and yet I can't even seem to get out of the pre-race stretching area. Until my wife agrees to NO CONTACT and agrees to re-join our family emotionally, we cannot hope to begin the repair process, and that makes me anxious.
My sister told me that "God will break you before He fixes you," and I would add that "you have to WANT (or at least be open to) to being broken."
My wife is not yet there; she is hanging onto her crack stash, and until she lets that go, all I can do is lead my family and work on me, while being loving with her but 100% firm with my boundaries -- which I have done.
And I would never tell you to jump off a cliff, my dear Corri. Cuz I've spent some time over the edge of it the past 3-1/2 weeks, and it sukks down there. Lots of woolly creepy things in the crevaces.
Thanks for the post. Great, great stuff, and I don't disagree with any of it. So much "meat" in there I'm going to have to circle back and respond to some specifics later on when I have some time.
The increased financial accountability is the next step, and is going to happen very soon. It's part of "taking away the fantasy," and the financial fantasy that I have been allowing her to live is as large in this as the OM fantasy. All I can do is make BOTH situations stark, honest and REAL, and then let her make her decisions. I cannot enable either, in any way.
I am not giving up hope. I have moments of deep hopelessness, but I have not given up hope in general. I'm just having to channel my human emotions in the proper venues, and at the proper times.
As NOP pointed out to me, my kids still need a hero.
I too have had mini-anxiety attacks thru this ordeal. Moments where I have to take deep, deep breaths, over and over, to try to calm myself down, as overwhelming feelings of impending doom and sadness and hopelessness wash over me. Deep breaths, and prayer, and reminders from NOP and from all of you, usually help me get back into my better place, and back on the driver's seat of the Hero Train.
I think it's important to have a calm, informed, detached view of divorce, and have it on the table when talking with a wayward spouse, so that they can see you're strong and not freaked out at the possibility. In fact, I think it kind of freaks MY WIFE out when she knows that it's a possibility for me as well.
But I won't do anything yet, other than seek some legal advice, so I an work on the "informed" part of that equation.
Your "yoga" story is amazing. The more I go thru this, the more convinced I am that God places certain people in your life at the times and the places where you need them, and they come with the words that you need to hear at that given time. I rest on 1Cor. 10:13 and on other verses that promise that God doesn't give us anything that we can't handle, but I do think that we have to open ourselves up and allow others -- even strangers -- to help us in our lowest moments.
You will have my continued support. Our situations are very similar in some ways, and yet very different in others, but the similarities and the shared pain have made me follow your sitch recently.
Choc you are doing great!! Wow I am amazed. You have changed so much. It is amazing how God will give you strength when you most need it.
I am sure she has had to have told OM that you know. Just curious if you have gone to the gym how he acts. Part of him has to be scared chitless. Are you still making your presence known there?
What was she so angry about yesterday that she left?
I am so sorry to hear this latest set of updates. You are doing terrific and I echo the advice from BF about FICO score. During my divorce my goals were to come out of it with custody of my children (at least primary physical custody) and an intact FICO score. Well -that is pretty much what I walked away with. Ex-H had already wiped us out financially and as far as posessions - well, I just let them go. If you are able to keep your equilibrium and allow Mrs. Choc to flounder until she get's a hold of herself then maybe it won't come to that.
I am certainly not one to advise you to divorce or absolutely not to do so - that is for you to decide. I am confident that my divorce was the right thing at the time. However, it was painful and difficult and dh had better just shoot me if he wants to be rid of me because "over my dead body" is how I feel about D at this time even though I live daily with the pain of a distant physical relationship. Choc, you are a good man and you deserve a good life. You will do the right thing.
The peanut gallery here is cheering you on in each step of the way! [No, I am not Lucy who takes away the football every time!!]
