I am so sorry you are going through this. I just have to say you can take advice from other people. But in the end you have to handle this the way your heart leads you to handle it. Only you can know just how much crap you can take.
I think exposure is good. She created this. Let her wallow in it and see how that feels for awhile. Let her go stay with her parents and feels what it is like to lose her whole family just for some kicks from a younger man. Let her think about how her finances as a part time instructor are going to support her. The life she was once very comfortable with may just be over. Let her face the humiliation of what she has done. I don't know how your state is but in my state you very much hold the upper hand in a court of law if the spouse cheated.
I think you took a very firm stand for yourself and your dignity.She maybe just thought the old non-confrontational Choc would just sit by and never say a word. You are showing her a whole new side to you. A complete 180.
She's about to be handed both her BMW payment ($696), her Visa payment ($300), and her cellphone is going to be taken off of our account. The Visa's in her name, and 2/3rd of the balance is her tummy tuck, so if she wants to keep her credit clean, she can figure out a way between her and OM to pay that. The BMW is in my name, but my own credit is already so damaged, that if they have to reposess it, they can, but I'm not making the payments on it. As for the cellphone, I will not pay for something that is used as a communication tool of her affair.
"Reality" has just come calling on her little fantasy world.
Sorry all this is happening. I can tell you from experience that people involved in A's often have no idea what damage it is going to cause, until it happens. Sometimes the damage has to go nuclear to wake them up. From my own sitch, the A was a wake-up call to my bad M. I was kinda hoping your W would do the same thing, wake-up one day and not only realize that the A is bad, but also come to a realization that a M with an A has serious problems that need to be fixed in a serious, conscious, coordinated way. I think she will wake up, but it may not be until you and her are split.
One thing you should probably be considering is that she will probably wake-up and want to get back with you sometime in the future. How are you going to handle that? I know you say that what you love about her is gone, but love is a tricky thing. If she were to come back to you with "guns blazing" so to speak (i.e. being everything you wanted her to be), what are you going to do? It might be a good thing if you could talk to Blackfoot and others who have gone through reconciliation attempts to get some advice.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I know you have mentioned you felt your finances were haywire sort of speak. It sounds like she has very much contributed to this. Not one but two BMW she has? Yikes! Then a 300.00 a month payment you have taken on for her plastic surgery? Since she is now working can I ask what she does with her money?
Boy she really is in for a rude awakening. Also I am curious how did she react when her own children confronted her? I know I would be mortified. Were your daughters angry or hurt? You are right she is making very poor choices as a mother.
Choc, I'm so sorry for this turn of events, but I agree with LFL, no one can blame you or say you didn't try. I also agree with Chrome that she will probably want to come back at some point. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
I'm so sorry you are going through this pain. But NOP is right, cheaters lie. The problem in your M has never been about OM, so I am not sure why you are letting that make or break things.
You are wrong that your W has made no effort or given you nothing. Her emails and discussion tell you that she is open to working on things. What she has not given you is what YOU want on YOUR timetable. W is all over the place. At one moment she probably feels that she needs to try everything to save her M, at another moment she probably sees it as pointless, and counseling as something that she will only do for the sake of the kids. She doesn't know what she wants, though you are really pushing her to make a decision before she is ready. And, that will surely be a decision in favor of throwing in the towel. You have to give her time and space to want to try to reconcile. Even if you have no interest in reconciling and you are going to S and D without doubt, then there is no reason not to give her the time and space, for her private life is then no longer your concern.
Please quit sharing with your kids. It is enough for them to know that Mom and Dad are having some problems. Period. They don't need to know what they are. You don't need to bash Mom. It is VERY damaging to put them in the position of having to bash Mom to avoid feeling like they are betraying you.
If you are set on S or D, then I really don't see how it is any of YOUR business to tell HER parents what is going on. Don't lie, but don't involve yourself unnecessarily. If contact becomes necessary for some reason, simply tell them: W and I are S. There is no productive reason for you to get into more than that with them.
That being said, take care of yourself businesswise. Let her pay her Visa. Can you sell the BMW to limit your losses? It doesn't make sense to give her an expensive piece of property like that on which you are still making payments.
Keep enforcing your boundaries — you said no calls, she made them, stop paying her cell phone. Block his number from the home phone. But don't do it with drama, just do it. "W, you have not respected my no contact boundary. I am taking steps to enforce that boundary."
I really do not think you are anywhere near emotionally ready for a D. When you are ready to D, it is no longer that big a deal in many ways. Right now, you are very emotional and acting out. Your pain is raw and deep and jagged. It simply doesn't feel like that when you are ready to D. Again, if you haven't, for your own sake and your kids, read DR. Read some sitches like GH's. You are losing the advantage you started with. If you decide to DB and participate on one of the DB forums and would like me to check on you from time to time, let me know.
If you decide to DB and participate on one of the DB forums and would like me to check on you from time to time, let me know.
uhm....isn't this a DB forum?
Quote:
Even if you have no interest in reconciling and you are going to S and D without doubt, then there is no reason not to give her the time and space, for her private life is then no longer your concern.
I agree with the time and space part. But his W needs to sh*t or get off the pot. She needs to stop pretending their M is fine in terms of "appearances." She needs to either move out or they need to work on the M. Any other way is disrespectful. I disagree with the "stay in the house at all costs" approach. It is way too damaging to the a person's psyche and self-esteem. It sounds like she wants to keep up the appearances in house, while still maintaining the OM R. That is just prolonging the pain and also making Choco look weak if you ask me. What woman wants a man that let's her f*ck around under his household? She will lose respect for him and then the M may be beyond broken. LFL
Sorry, of course this is a DB forum. I meant one of the forums focused on DR and DB, rather than SSM.
I agree that the "stay in the house at all costs" approach is a bad one. I'm not sure who you think supports this approach. But, certainly not me nor DR nor DB.
Everyone needs to set and enforce their own boundaries in a way that works for them. This looks very different for different people, but that is OK. You are right that the important thing is to respect oneself through the process. Doormatting is never productive.
She is an addict and an infidel. She is addicted to the high that she gets from her contact with another man, and until that contact ends, she will continue to lie and do ANYTHING to protect the source of her "high" and to make it to her next contact with him.
Confrontation and exposure is the only way to go, and so I am giving it my best to follow that course of action. The daughters are a part of that since they are adults, and so are my wife's parents, and so are the OM's parents. I really don't want to get into a debate with you on it, but refer to Harley and Glass and others about intervention techniques and rationales.
