Last night I went hom from work, gathered all of the remaining "necessities" and moved them out. H came home and noticed all of the things by the front door.
I was calm. He was not quite sure what to make of it.
H - You are acting strange, what is up with you?
Me - nothing, I am just trying to get my things together so I can get this move completed.
H - it is not a race to get out of the house you know, you are welcome to stay if you need to.
Me - I can not stay in this situation any longer as it is not good for me.
That is when it started....
H - It isn't healthy for you because you are jealous of OW.
Me - No, I am not.
H - You are not jealous at all? Not jealous that I am giving my love to another woman? That my attention is focused on her?
Me - will me being jealous change your opinion, your feelings toward OW? No, jealously only hurts me, and feeds negative feelings, and I refuse to go there.
That made him angry, and I think it hurt him.
Then the OW called, I tried to stay calm, but was difficult when he was complaining to OW that nothing has changed and that I am still the same old heartless b*&%$. I said some things, still in a calm voice (not yelling), and he basically ignored them, which is fine.
Then he helped me move some of my things.
Later, he says jokingly (I think),
H - don't worry, we will remain friends, and we can even have perks, we have somewhere to go if we need sex, I will need somewhere to come when I am stumbling home drunk and horney.
Me - No, there will be no sex involved.
H - So you won't have sex with me at all?
Me - Not unless it is good with, and for me.
Don't think he liked that much either. I could have said, if you need sex that bad, you better go buy a plane ticket to tenessee and see your OW, but that problaby would have ended badly.
So I spent the first night in my new home last night. It was tough, but I made it.
My H wants to remain friends, which is a good thing, yet I am trying to deal with my own emotions, and not let him see me hurting, and the only time he seems to need to talk to me is about the OW and how happy she makes him.
Or that there is a problem between them.
I try to lend a compassionate ear, but sometimes it is very difficult. Last night I lashed out at him. He was angry. He says my comments "hurt him". Yeah...ok
He says I should not be hurt by his new found love and if I loved him, I would let him go and be happy for him. The ironic thing is, I am happy for him, yet still trying to deal with the fact that we are no longer married or together.
I really, really need to detach, I know it is easier said than done. I also need to go dark for a while. Unfortunaltey, he has my daughter, so it makes it a little more difficult.
I will just have to keep our conversations to our daughter and any issues that come up with her and leave the R talk alone. He will see it as me being a cold heartless person again whom doesn't care, but there is not much I can do about that.
You know it is acceptible to set limits. He is still either looking for your approval or trying to get a reaction by talking about OW. So just set the limit by saying that conversation/discussion about OW is not acceptible and end any conversation that involves mention of her immediately.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
H sits there and says to me that his OW and him have the same view on love, and it is the only woman that has ever shared the same view as him. That you can not control whom you fall in love with...
Then she says, if your wife thinks she can conrol who she falls in love with, then she has never been in love.
I was like WTF!!!!
Some 22 year old kid is tellng me I have never been in love! While her H is away on training period for the army, she is talking to another man she has "fallen in love with" telling him I don't know what love is!!
Yes you can not control who you first fall in love with, typically it does "just happen", but after that first 6 months to a year, it does not remain a feeling but becomes a comittment.
BUT...if you are married, then you have a responsibility to your spouse to not go down that path.
Am I wrong in my thinking here? My H thinks I am.
According to my H, you can have affairs in a M as long is it is for love. For the right reasons...not just sex.
Geez...I need to detach from all of this nonsense!
According to my H, you can have affairs in a M as long is it is for love. For the right reasons...not just sex.
Easily the stupidest thing I've EVER heard. He has NO idea what love is. He's confusing it with lust.
Sorry, but your husband is an idiot. He's trying to hurt you by talking about the OW, stop letting him. Friends don't hurt their friends - he's full of crap.
You're right to detach, I'd say do it permanantly except where your D is concerned. At this point who cares if he thinks you're cold, he's a complete A$$.
We can talk ourselves into defeat or we can talk ourselves into victory - we are creatures of our thinking.
3/31/07 - Hit with a brick, leaving the dent there...
Ok, I know we are all here to salvage our marriage...
When do you say enough is enough? I guess that is a personal choice to make.
H called me today, we got on the topic of the M (I should have known better) and he started in on his typical rant...
That I got everything I wanted out of this marriage and he got nothing. That I did everything wrong, and continue to do everything wrong.
I tried to explain to him, that if we both had gotten what we wanted out of this M, we would not be here right now. I do take alot of blame for our M problems, because I did cause a lot of them, but I can no longer shoulder all of it.
Going on about how in all of the 13 years, he got nothing and gave me everything. He gave I only took. He gave me a marriage, a daughter, did everything and it made no difference.
I have been nothing more than I paycheck! I did (unmentionalbe words) with other men, and they got the best part of me and he got nothing.
I basically had enough of his abuse and hurtful comments. I said f&*k you and hung up. Not the most loving or compassionate response, but hey, I reached my point. I have tried for 18 months, and nothing has changed in the least.
These conversations always end badly. I am suppose to constantly give him a pound of flesh for my past actions, and be loving and compassionate towards him (which I have no problem with), but when he says things that are abusive and I try to convey that they hurt my feelings or how I am feeling about what he says to me...I get the "well you caused this, you did these things, now deal with the consequences"
If he can not forgive me, then fine, I tell him to move on with his life. Do what he needs to do. Then I get, this marriage meant so little to you you are just willing to give it up like that...No matter which path I take, it always is the wrong one to him.
I have a meeting with a lawyer next week to verify what my rights and responsibilites are during this separation.
