Kinda used all my time to catch up with everyone else, sure was a busy weekend, so I don't have enough time to post an update, but want to say thanks for dropping by and I will post an update soon.
Checking in on you and saying hi. Sorry things are a litte rough for you this week.
You always provide me such a nice pat on the back would love to return the favor.
So here's a solid rap rap rap on your shoulder. Strong shoulder -- bears a lot.
Hug hug hug.
You're amazing! You show awesome patience and loving-kindness (as the Buddhists say), and these are healing your family.
Hope your W's spirits lift a little.
Meanwhile, keep your own spirits up with what makes you happy and keeps you sane.
Did you get over to marriagebusters.com? I'm slowly letting some of that wisdom sink in. I like the uplifting tone of the articles but get a little sad that (around my house) we can't have "radical honesty" yet. My H keeps his little secrets, too. Keeping secrets is a marriage-buster.
Slowly. Everything happens a lot more slowly than I like to operate. But I will list and count the positives (like you do, KAW) and let some "areas of the painting" remain unfinished for now.
There will be time to fill them in later.
I liked the best-seller "Feeling Good" too -- about handling depression. It helped me cope as I dealt with being an LBS this year and became depressed myself.
Ah, bibliotherapy -- one good reason to read!
I'm thinking of you and will check in again. Keep in mind the days are lengthening already -- more sunshine is in store.
JJ, I was too busy cross-posting to notice you massage on Friday. I regret I haven't yet read any about your sitch, so I hadn't realized you too are coping with a depressed spouse. I'm sorry to hear you seem as much in the "dark" as I am. I certainly can relate and agree to much of what you said.
This time around, I have learned how not to contribute to her dispair by being much more available, supportive and affectionate so she doesn't feel so alone. It seems to be making some difference, but I wonder if it is enough? I really don't think so. Now that she decided to stay in the M, I see her settling back into some of her old attitudes and I don't know what I can do to change the pattern?
My W believes there is some magic pill that will cure this, especially for her panic attacks, but I been surfing the net to get a better understanding and show her there is more she might be able to do for herself. I been focusing primarily on diet, because she really doesn't eat well balance meals and she is diabetic too, so that must contribute much to how she feels. She just started this month taking a multi-vitiam after I started three months ago. Slowly she starting to do things for herself, but I have to emphazise slooowwwlee.
She had been postponing since September some of the tests the doctors have been wanting her to take. She basically gang them all together last Monday, then asked if I go with her, so I took the day off from work. Now we wait for the results. Finally, we took one step closer. She has been searching for a new psychiatrist since December, because she doesn't feel the one she is seeing now is helping her any, plus he is 40 miles away. There are only two others that are closer that participate in our insurance plan, but she has yet to make a decision and move forward on this.
What exactly is the "shock treatment" you've done for those quality of life boundries you mentioned? My W has expressed frequently of late her fear that I would leave her because of her condition. Never in the last eight years since she has been diagnosed with depression have I ever thought of leaving her because of it ... now after fighting to save the marriage from her independance streak and A, she would think I would leave because of a relapse of a medical condition? I've told her countless times that I take the vow "...for better or for worse..." to heart. Boy she has certainly tested me on the for worse part and she is still not convinced.
Lots like I turned this into another vent ... oh well. JJ, anytime you feel the need to vent, you're welcome to do it here. Maybe together we can figure some of this out...
Quoting jethro: Honestly, KAW, is your R not yet in a place where you can just say these things to her? Like what you wrote to LL in your last post? I mean, I know she might try and not "go there" because it's painful for her too, but c'mon, you have a right to know her thoughts given your past, don't you? Why can't you "insist" a bit more?
Exactly how do you insist to a shrug of a shoulder or just a cold shoulder? I use to insist, which is why I know that is a cheeseless tunnel that ends with her getting angry with me. So how do I insist and get different results? I've been struggling with this one for a long time...
Quote: Exactly how do you insist to a shrug of a shoulder or just a cold shoulder? I use to insist, which is why I know that is a cheeseless tunnel that ends with her getting angry with me. So how do I insist and get different results? I've been struggling with this one for a long time...
I can only imagine how frustrating that is for you. She expects reassurances from you, yet she is unwilling to provide some of the same reassurances? That seems a bit...slanted... I'm sorry, KAW. I hope that one day she will be in a place to share some of these things with you.
sorry that things are not going for you the way you would like. sounds like "dealing" with w's condition wears on the both of you.
I would not give much meaning to her constant question of whether you'd leave her due to her condition, looks to me like you've done plenty to assure her you aren't going anywhere. perhaps it is just part of her depression to think that you would.
sorry I don't have much to add for you, feeling a bit down myself these days.
My W believes there is some magic pill that will cure this, especially for her panic attacks,
Damn, I hate this part. My wife comes from a background of "take a pill, and it'll be ok". I'm totally the opposite, and we can go round and round about this one. I think that most pills can be ok for a temporary band-aid, but the side-effects can be devastating, and they usually tend to only mask the real problems. In the process of her search for the "magic pill", my wife got pretty addicted to some of the stuff she was taking. I've grown to really hate doctors that freely write prescriptions for all of our ailments.
I'm a very firm believer in the "mind/body, body/mind" connection. I've noticed the patterns of when anyone one in our home gets to feeling bad physically, their mental and emotional state follows suit. Also, when their mental and emotional states become askew, they begin having physical problems. This shows up heavily in both my wife's depression problems, and my son's epileptic seizure problems. I would suspect that the same is probably true with your wife's diabetic problems.
I think that your idea about the vitamins is great. I often have to ask my wife if she's been taking her's lately when I see the mood shift! Now that we're talking about it, I think that the most productive action I could take would be to become more involved with making sure that we have a more nutritional diet in our house. This makes it more of a win/win situation!
What exactly is the "shock treatment" you've done for those quality of life boundries you mentioned?
I've noticed that a LOT of my wife's episodes come from "life" situations that occur. One of her biggest depression triggers come from the trouble we are having with my step-daughter. We have allowed her actions to devastate our family. It often works for me to just listen to my wife talk about her feelings of guilt, sadness, anger, etc. Then there are times when the cycle of emotions just overwhelm her, begin cycling in her head too much, and I have to put a stop to it.
I have to remind her that our daughter is making choices for herself, and that I WILL NOT allow her choices to effect the quality of MY life, or of OUR life as a family. That when she allows our D's actions take control over her life, that it effects ALL of our lives, and that I won't allow that to happen to US again. That I can either be her husband or her counselor, but I can't be both. The choice is hers.
Then, it's time for me to just step away from it, and let the pieces fall into place as they may.
Usually, there's a short aftermath of silence and sadness from her to deal with, but she eventually starts to turn things around in her head.
Our situations are different, KAW, so this "technique" might not work for you. It's usually a last resort for me, but I've found that, in my situation, it's much better for me to do this than to keep building up anger and resentment over the situation. If I were to let that happen, I would begin to distance myself too much, which in turn seems to push my wife deeper into her funk.
I DEFINITELY know that the "walking on eggshells" thing doesn't work for either of us. In fact, she has told me more than once that it just makes things worse for her.
By nature, I am a better "provider" than I am a "caretaker". Although I can do both, TOO much caretaking for TOO long of a period, especially without seeing any progress, affects me adversely, which in turn affects our relationship.
The more I've been "talking" here, the more that I realize that I need to take care of things better on the "front end". I've been doing this fairly well when it comes to the general mood of our home, but it may pay for me to concentrate on the physical aspect a little more!
At least until THAT stops working, then I'll have to "do something different"!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
JJ, my W has been spending a lot of time in bed recently. I come home from work to find her there, sometimes asleep, usually watching the game channel. It doesn't help to suggest going out somewhere, because she hates going out in the dark. Its amazing how the darkness affects her mood. You know the cliche about being a morning person, but I didn't associate this until this year how it relates to the amount of daylight. Every morning, she is upbeat, even playful. By evening (which when I get to spend most of my time with her) she settles into a funk and ends up being too tired and ready for sleep by 9:00pm.
With some mild coaxing from DD and myself, she does participate more in card games and such. My DD has decided to enter a project in a local science fair, so that has been helping in spending some active time in the evenings.
Actually this leads to some strange moods she has been in lately I haven't seen before. Last night as soon as I got home, we had to go out to pick up her car from the repair shop. When I arrived, she was anxious and when I commented, she responded, "What else, I don't feel well." I made sure we stopped at the pharmacy on the way, despite her protests, because earlier in the week she picked up the wrong test strips for the new blood tester we purchased and now she was out. (Anyone with diabetes knows how important it is to monitor their glucoselevels regularly to avoid seizures.). Before I left our street, I had asked if she remembered the strips to be returned. She said no. I was about to turn around then to go back but she barked she will take care of it at a later time. I got annoyed because we are currently short on money and now she is tying up some more, (At nearly a buck a strip for a box of fifty and she has yet to straighten out the insurance coverage on them lke she said she would, so have to pay in full.), but I dropped it and kept going. We then picked up the car (I won't go into how much that was) and then she followed me to DD's school for a PTA meeting on the science fair. She was visually having a rough time while we were there, but we manage to get through it. When we got home, she went to the bedroom, I started to clean the kitchen/dishes and prep my lunch and coffee for work the next day. She came out to help me as I was wrapping up my lunch. Started humming and being upbeat again. Now usually this goes along with her being affectionate too, but last night she kept a distance and was kinda cold, like "I'm happy in my own little world, but you are not invited." Never experienced this before. She got in bed and read, while I checked out the mail, then had to use the bathroom. When I got out she was asleep already (about 9:00pm) , so I installed some more memmory for the computer I received in the mail and putered around for a while. When I came to bed she was having a panic attack. I consoled her as I usually do. When she settled down, we went to sleep. This morning I got out of bed she greeted me with "How you doing, Lover?", but no kiss or anything else. Its been years since she called me that and there goes that morning chipper thing again vs. the evening duldrums.
Guess I'm mostly journalling here, because her moods seem to be more hot/cold and she is acting in some ways I haven't seen before. Guess I should mostly lay back and watch the drama unfold and she where she takes this. The problem is the hot/cold mood swings reminisce of those "dark" times and that bothers me.
My wife is strongly affected by that "Seasonal Anxiety Disorder" you hear them talk about. It seems like she often looks out the window first thing in the morning, and if the sky is gloomy and gray, she is certain that her day is going to be "gray". Whether or not it's an actual "disease" with her, or whether it's more of a self-fulfilling prophecy, I'll never be certain.
I try to shortcut her morning mood a bit by providing as much sunshine as I can with my mood, bringing her coffee, and just generally trying to get the day off to a bright start. It doesn't ALWAYS work, but it works often enough to keep doing it. It IS a strain for me at times, but it does help ME to be conscience of trying to start my day out in a good mood.
Living in the Pacific Northwest, we can have a LOT of cloudy, rainy days during the winter. It makes me often consider moving to a sunnier location to the south!
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Never in the last eight years since she has been diagnosed with depression have I ever thought of leaving her because of it ... now after fighting to save the marriage from her independance streak and A, she would think I would leave because of a relapse of a medical condition? I've told her countless times that I take the vow "...for better or for worse..." to heart. Boy she has certainly tested me on the for worse part and she is still not convinced. 
and then she followed me to DD's school for a PTA meeting on the science fair. She was visually having a rough time while we were there, but we manage to get through it. When we got home, she went to the bedroom, I started to clean the kitchen/dishes and prep my lunch and coffee for work the next day. She came out to help me as I was wrapping up my lunch. Started humming and being upbeat again. Now usually this goes along with her being affectionate too, but last night she kept a distance and was kinda cold, like "I'm happy in my own little world, but you are not invited." Never experienced this before.