Am a newbie. Trying to keep my cool. Married to M 16 years. M is unable to take self responsibility for himself. My children and I have put up with his verbal abuse for many years. He has no steady income and expects me to pick up the tab for him since I make more money than him. When I tell him that I've found out he has used my credit card without my knowledge I get no verbal response from him. I've had to file taxes separately because am scared of an audit because he works under the table and won't do the proper paperwork. My children go hungry sometimes. I don't eat sometimes so my children will. Our utilities have been shut off before and I paid to get them back on line. He never says thank you for all that I do. When I try to talk to him about what needs to be done am told all I do is nag and bag him and that I've never been there to support him. He won't pay his traffic tickets. He won't work long enough so there is a steady income for us. Sometimes things are okay and then when he brings home a couple of hundred dollars he's all nice and when the money is gone he's mean and angry to everyone in the house. He's an alcoholic and says he has to drink because of me. He ignores me at my children's school functions. He tells my boys how I just want to break up our family. Am devastated. I wonder what I ever saw in him the first place. He spoils holidays and birthdays with his drinking and attitude towards everyone. One side of me loves him only because I feel sorry for him, the other side of me wants nothing to do with him. He's always on the pity pot. Everyone is always ot to get him. He provides no financial support to his family. He blames me for everything. I don't want my life or future ruined any more.I can't divorce because he will get half of my retirement and savings. I've kept myself physically healthy and look years younger and am in good shape. I am going crazy.
Just my opinion skittles, but from what you've written this sounds like a very abusive relationship. maybe not physically but emotionally at least. If it's as bad as you've said, it would seem that you need to get away from him, for your own sanity. If it is eating away at you about the financial stuff just remember that there are always options, you seem to be in control of the family finances so there are probably ways you can cut him off, or at least keep him from draining you to the point where the utilities get shut off or your kids don't eat. You need to look out for yourself and your kids now. Worrying about whether he gets half of your retirement and or savings if and when you are divorced is a valid concern of course, but if your life is a living hell right now you must make some change. I'm not saying you should rush into a divorce, but you should look at any options available to you to protect yourself and your kids. If you can afford it you may want to seek out an attorney who can advise you on protecting your assets. you may not be able to do anything about your retirement fund if a divorce occurs, but retirement is a long way off and many things can change. you may be able to at least put some of your savings into trust for your kids so that it cannot be touched... i'm no lawyer but i think you need to do something, anything, that may help you in your situation and give you some peace of mind. Always remember that money is not everything. If you have your kids and your happiness, everything else is almost irrelevant. You sound like a responsible person. You have been, and will continue to provide for your kids with or without him. I think you must stand up for yourself. Even if only a little step at a time.
just the opinion of a fellow newbie DBer.
Come here often, seek help and advice, there are some very good people here. You are not alone.
Me-40 Her-38 together 18yrs EA summer 06/ PA fall 06-BombDropped-xmas 06 (ILYBINILWY - Just Friends?) Moved out -3/20/07 - Moving further away bcz of poor DBing ?4/15 story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=999831
Thank you for response. It's good to hear from someone else that has marriage problems..I've been waiting for someone on this board to respond to me. This past weekend I waited an hour after I got up and decided that since he wasn't going to say good morning to me I would be the big person and say good morning to him..he responded good morning. When he came home later that afternoon from taking my son to pick up his friends he saw me mowing the backyard and came out on the deck and stood there screaming at me to shut the lawnmower off. I told him he had no right to scream at me..his reply was that my son was suppose to be mowing the lawn..I told him irregardless you don't need to scream at me. He told me he had every right to because of the way I was treating him. He told me that am cold that I don't share with him, I don't make the children keep up with their daily chores. I asked him what was wrong with him asking the kids to do their chores also? He is their father. I asked him about my credit card that he used and didn't tell me about the charges...he told me we were married and that he should be able to use my card...I told him it was my card in my name and I make the payments...he told me I was selfish and that it was no big deal if he used my card - were married. He told me that all of our problems were because I chose to make our marriage like this. That I should share more be more loving toward him. What in the world would make someone attracted to a man that can'teven acknowledge his wife's feelings and concerns? I sat at the dining room table last month crying because the house payment was going up and I didn't know what I was going to do. He asked me why I was crying and I told him. He said maybe he might have to get a night job. A whole month has gone by and no job. Am going crazy here. He told me I need to realize that I don't support him in anything he does, that I don't care about him or the love him otherwise he wouldn't be this way. I told him about him spoiling our vacations, holidays, our grandson's lst birthday, my wages getting garnished because his failure to pay bills. No response from him. No sorry. Nada. His father molestated my daughter from my first marriage and when the molestation was revealed to me he told me she was liar that that never happened...he only confronted his father once and the man did not deny it...When I took my boys to counseling about what had happened he told me in the waiting room that if I had been a better mother to my daughter she wouldn't have been so vulnerable and this would not have happened. One year later his father dies...he tells my daughter that her lie killed his father. I told him I was not going to his father's funeral and if he wanted to go I would respect his decision. I went out of town and he came with me and didn't go. But now he tells me that I told him not to go. Everything is just a frick'n mess. Sorry to be venting but it helps somewhat. Am just so worried for my kids and my own sanity. Thank you for your thoughts. Peace Skittles
Skittles, I have heard of men with a sense of entitlement, but yours takes the cake. It's utter BS that he should be able to sink you and your kids into a hole you won't be able to get out of. My goodness I am sorry to see you here, but I am telling you that you will get alot of good advice. You seem to me to be a good person who only wants to live a decent life, and he is the person who wants to bleed you dry and live as though he hasn't a care in the world.
And for him to tell you that you don't support him in anything, well you support him in just how he lives.
How long has he been like this? How old are your kids? Do you think he is going throught a mid life crisis?
I would hide the credit card somewhere that he wouldn't find it, like under a bedside table or a bookshelf. Don't pay his traffic tickets, let them get him on a warrant, it will be good for him. Always put the kids and the mortgage first. Maybe if you have an adjustable rate mortgage that keeps going up, look into refinancing at a lower fixed rate, and maybe use some equity to pay off debts, if you can. But do hide the credit card, and make sure he has no access to any of your money. This may sound harsh, but I think your situation warrants it. If he is going through a midlife crisis, he will be feeling like he is entitled to do anything he dang well wants to do. L
Having sought out an attorney myself I can answer a few of the questions about retirement.
Yes he is entitled to half your savings but also that portion of the debt that happened in marriage based on his salary which is based not on the fact that he is working but what his potential salary is if he were. The example given to me is if he was a brain surgeon working at a 7-11 his potential salary is that of a brain surgeon not a 7-11 employee.
Social Security - He will get more because of your earnings and the fact that he is married for over 10 hears but it will not effect how much you get.
Retirement - He is entitled to a portion of your retirement earnings while you are married except for money that was gifted to you that you put in a retirement account. This actually goes to all gifts to you yourself not both of you.
