This is why I hate this MLC malarchy. There is always another question. There is always something else to consider. In the meantime, no one can answer that question for sure. So he resolves the father issues. Ok, what's the next thing that he has to fix because of that. He can make peace with the issues and still decide he doesn't want to be married to you. Are these issues ever really resolved or are they just accepted? What if depression is brought on by poor career choices? What if depression is genetic and undiagnosed? What if depression is because he lost that Liitle League championship game and never got over it? What if the depression is brought because his first girlfriend dumped him? What if depression was brought on because he never got that Mustang he wanted?
Do you see what I am saying? It could go on and on. There is no set reason. There are no set answers.
Now, the real question is what do you want for yourself that you control.
Seriously, do you really want to spend the next year, two years, three years, fours years asking these questions?
SF: Thank you for your encouragement. I know I'll be ok whichever way things work out. My concern right now is if H will be ok. But I know that there's no point in worrying about that, because there is nothing that I can do to help. Just have to let it go and let him test his wings and hopefully learn from his mistakes.
IMP: I don't want to spend another DAY asking any more questions! The questions are neverending, and so is the drama. I want to get back to being still (slowly getting there again). The problem for me in really taking control of my life is that it involves moving to another country, which means taking my kids away from the only life they know, and pretty much taking their father out of their lives (along with their cousins and other family members they are extremely close to). It's a heartwrenching decision because S5, who is wise beyond his years, doesn't want to go. I know I can't let my life decisions be made by a 5 year-old, but it's definitely something I have to consider. Their lives and lifestyles will dramatically change because of my decision.
What you and mermaid said earlier about not expecting anything right now is so true. So much for the baby steps I thought I saw. Spent the day with H at in-law's for niece's birthday party and he didn't even say hello when I saw him. Pretty much avoided me like he's done in the past and was very uncomfortable being in room alone with me. I was the same as I usually am - I even joked about a few things with him without him even cracking half a smile. Pointed out some new grey hair he's grown and touched his head when saying bye (haven't done that since S). Probably shouldn't be touching him at all at this point, but want him to see that I'm really ok now, even after seeing him with OW. I don't think he's getting it...
I can't understand his reasons for not revealing his A to me still, even after it's been so long. And why did he give her another name when he introduced me to her? I know - questions I'll never have the answers to, but can't get them out of my head.
On a separate issue, in case anyone is having trouble deciphering whether or not their S is having a MLC, I found this short article helpful:
Another article listed the following 3 actions as signs of a MLC: leave security of jobs, break family ties, leave relationships.
In H's case: check, check and check.
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
I know - questions I'll never have the answers to, but can't get them out of my head.
Yep. Another of life's mysteries. Crazy, ain't it.
But still, I don't know about the leaving security of a job. I can think of reasons to take a chance and I can think of reasons to leave a relationship. But when they eschew their children, I can never understand that.
Take things a day at a time. Don't trty to do too much at once.
That's a complicated answer and would probably require you to dig back through all my posts. I'll save you the trouble - In a nutshell, I'm living overseas in the country my H is from, where his family is. I'm pretty settled here with friends and am comfortable with his family, who has been great at supporting me financially. However, we really have no assets and property is ridiculously expensive here. Even if I were to go back to work full-time (I've recently gotten a part time job), I would never be able to afford a place on my own here. H left the family business, getting disowned from his dad in the process and has 2 projects going on - one of which is failing miserably and putting him in MAJOR debt although the other may work out. Can't depend on him to support me, and while his family has said they will support us, they have no obligation to do so and at the end of the day, H is still their blood. I have a pretty decent offer from my father to work at his company, which is in the other country, where my parents live. I'd be close to my famliy, who can help me with watching the kids, and could work and save to eventually get a place on my own. I have a couple of months to think about it, but everyday, it's looking more and more attractive.
M: 33 MLC/WAH: 33 M 6 yrs, together 12 2 kids: 5,2 Bomb #1: 4/06 - "I don't love you anymore", almost S Bomb #2: 7/06 - EA/PA since late 05, kicked H out/S Bomb #3: 1/07 - "No longer have any feelings for you. It's over.", living w/OW, no talk of D
Thank you, still. I can see why you are contemplating the move. All you can do is make the best decision with the information at hand. I am sure it is a lot to think about. Good luck.
Still hoping, if you think h's family will support you for a while, consider going back to school to boost your career prospects. Also, consider trying out new jobs just to expand your future career options. At this point in time, my straight out advise is, you will have to start thinking about your own future, meaning you will need to explore your long term career options. While h's family is supporting you now and you are not "starving", take the time and figure out what you want to do with your career and start. It may means going back to school. It may means getting a job which does not pay so well but will work out really well when you move to another place (with your parents, or wherever). Back then when h was ready to leave, he did promise me that he would support me in whatever I do (I left my highly paid and promising career to stay at home and follow his move to further HIS career). I took that opportunity to contemplate a change of career and actually applied to a few grad school. So while you are still OK financially, use the time to decide what you want to do. You don't want to be struggling just to get anyjob that pays in case it gets to that point.
Good luck. You are in a difficult situation now. Hugs to you.
M 38, H 38, two sons Met 20 years ago Married 13 years Bomb: Oct, 2006 DB: Started in Dec, 2006 H moved out for 3 weeks in Mar, 2007 H back home and piecing?
Ask anyone who was around in my day whose marriage would be saved and my name was at or near the top of the list. It didn't work that way. But it was worth it to see it through
You posted this earlier on this SH's thread ...........It kind of freaked me out a bit....... I think most on this BB think the same about me and my H........I don't want to jinx it........I want to go through the process like everyone else ! Fall and get up like everyone else, not have this sense of false 'security' that he may come back !
So, I've been reading a lot of your posts, and you do have a MAN's approach to life, but it is a sober and acurate approach. I am off to C now and instead of talking about H as I always do, it's time to discuss ME !!!!!
Thanks !!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Just be very careful that H can't claim you are abducting the kids by taking them to another country. I am reading a book "The Courage to be a Single Mother" and the woman in that book got into legal problems because she took her children out of the country where they had been living. See a lawyer before you decide on this. You may need a letter from your H before you leave.
Me45 H45 D13 S10 together-23 years married-21 years MLC Divorced 10/3/07 Married to a wonderful new man.
