I understand what you want. I didn't feed you code.
The simple fact is that you can't have her back on your terms at this point in the process. Period.
You work the process, or you wait on the affair to burn out. Either way, you suffer. With the first option, hopefully, the affair is shortened and recovery can start much sooner.
You have seen me post it to others here. Life has sent you a boatload of pain. The quickest way to the other side is through it. The longer you wallow in self pity, the longer you stay in pain. Regardless, there is no way around the pain.
No magic.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Choc Rarely post here but occasionally read and have followed your history.
Rough background to my own situation M 31 years H had an A 15 yrs ago PA with younger girl knew but could never get proof no mobile phones or emails to check back then. H ended the A without ever giving me the speech.
As ALWAYS happens when someone is having an A they withdraw emotion from their partner and my H also withdrew all affection. I would occasionally try to get close to him (A lasted 2 yrs off and on) but was rejected so often I withdrew emotionally myself.
So when thr A ended I was still unable to be intimate and the cycle continued of no ML and he slept with a friends W. Everything came out into the open about the previous OW and I thought o.k. this will never happen again. Our SL improved and I thought great we're back on track. However it still seemed to be me doing all the initiating and eventually I just didn't bother. I knew he worked hard and was often jet lagged and didn't want to put pressure on him. To be honest I never really felt that he truly desired me.
I relise now that the issues of why he chose to have an A in the first place were never really addressed by him or me. Lack of communication has always been a big problem in our M.
Fast forward to now. Discovered H has/had been having an EA/PA not sure which because H has ED problem. Confronted him about the A and told him I wasn't prepared to live without affection any more. If he pulled away from me again the M was over. I explained how starved I had felt and that I had become tired of always being the one to make the first move. I wanted him to kiss me passionately and to become intimate again.
Obviously the ED was an added complication as I knew he had viagra but would not use with me. Anyway we started kissing again dating and doing more as a couple. I realised how men felt from reading this and other sites and I have changed dramatically. I managed to find a supplement that has meant no need for viagra and we ML at least once a week and it is better than it has been for years for both of us.
I can honestly say my H would have described me as LD when I was desperate for intimacy. I just wanted him to show it to me not the other way around.
I guess why I'm telling you this is to give you hope that you CAN rebuild intimacy with your wife but you BOTH have to see that you BOTH have to change.
Thank you for your post. You said something right there at the end:
Quote:
I guess why I'm telling you this is to give you hope that you CAN rebuild intimacy with your wife but you BOTH have to see that you BOTH have to change.
That's precisely what frustrates -- and frightens -- me. I don't think she has ever tried to change. We've been thru this several times before, and she's even gone so far as to admit to her "issues," and to make promises she has then broken. She either no longer things she needs to, or she's confused an unable to.
Today will be interesting. I'm expecting to get a couple of MC appt. options from our Employee Assistance Program at work, which I will then call W with to coordinate our schedules. I fully expect her to try to stall until after I get back from being out of town 5/26-5/30. I am going to push to at least have our initial session before we leave, as I need to know that she's committed to this. If you all remember, when we had "The Talk" at lunch last week, we agreed that MC was "Step 1."
I managed to find a supplement that has meant no need for viagra
I'd sure like to know the name of that supplement.
You're still doing great, choc. And I think it's very smart to ask yourself what it is that YOU want, especially since this seems to be a recurring cycle. Is there anything about the cycle this time around that seems different from past times?
I never mind hijacks when they may at least lead to SOMEBODY getting boinked.
What I want is for my wife to come back to me, physically and emotionally, as I am admitting my neglect and coming back to her. I want our family to stay intact, and our kids to have as great a chance possible for success in this already-difficult world. I want my wife to try, and I want this cycle of "wanderlust" to stop once and for all.
I want to be able to break our dysfunctional cycle of:
Choc.: I'm unhappy because I get no affection -- much less sex -- from my wife, and it's killing me.
Mrs. Choc.: I'm unhappy because he's so distant and grouchy, and mainly because I know I don't make him happy. Any fool can see that.
Choc.: "Why are you unable to give me what you know I need, if you supposedly care for me so much, Mrs. Choc.?"
Mrs. Choc.: "Because you seem so unhappy."
Choc.: "But I am only unhappy because YOU are unhappy, and not trying to meet my needs."
Mrs. Choc.: "I don't know if I can meet your needs, or even how I feel about 'us' anymore.
Man, talk about "enmeshment." We are both riddled with guilt that we are making the other miserable.
Is there anything different this time? Yes. Her heart has grown SO cold, that she did not respond to my grief over the state of our marriage, and my "I for one am still in love with you" proclamation.
Also, she now probably has enough confidence in her own body image and abilities to seriously consider trying to make her way in this world without me.
Choc, I can't offer much wrt to how affairs happen and what to do and I do NOT want to pepper your trampled-upon mind with trite crap such as "rome wasn't built in a day" etc (blech!) but can I just say this? You are really shining, man! I like the new Choc a helluva lot and I liked the old one pretty good. This new guy, tho, he's quite masculine and has a new toughness to him. I liked the lyrics-quoting sensual guy you were before, but you're the whole package now. Keep it up!
