Sounds like your taker is taking control. There will be time for that AFTER you have worked for awhile. Right now you're re-anchoring your marriage and need to "date" the person again. Yes, the lying is bad but it's also a defense mechanism. This is something that can be worked on during MC. She's trying not to hurt you and also hide her guilty behaviour. Get her into MC and work on honesty, being open, and work through the MC to build trust.
You are the man, you get to take the big hits for awhile. You've just taken the first real steps in awhile and it's going to be harder than before for quite a while. Are you up for the challenge?
You have begun to assert yourself. Don't let it explode in your face just because you caught her in a lie. Now is the time to anchor the feelings you've started to generate. You need to show her you ARE the best alternative. Continue now that you can see it's having an effect. Keep working on being the "best choice".
I see many positives and you need to keep track of those. Keep your true goals in mind. Your boundaries are important but sometimes you need to take a loss in one area to win in another. It's not a game but it is a plan. Keep improving and be the best person you can be and if she, after you look in the mirror and say "I'm the best I can be and have done all I can", still doesn't chose you then your conscience is clear.
Intellectually, OnTheBeach, I know this is probably true. But I am who I am, and I have always been a very emotional person. In sales, we are taught "People buy emotionally, and then use logic to justify why they bought," and it's true. Simply saying "get your emotions in check" is not only difficult for me, I literally don't even know if I WANT to just "work the plan" with someone who is cheating on me and lying to me.
That's just it. When I thought she was being honest with me, "wanting to stay with my wife" is what I wanted. When faced (and punched in the gut) with her lying and the words of her feelings for the OM, I'm not sure at all if I do.
How do I reconcile that?
There's this voice in the back of my head that keeps saying "You fool! YOU are the one who's been sex- and affection-starved for most of your marriage, NOW she's cheating on you, and YOU want to SAVE THE MARRIAGE??? What a joke!"
This is completely understandable. You're in shock. You need some time to let the dust settle, come to terms with what she's done, and sort out your own thoughts.
I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this, but you ARE dealing with it. You're doing it. Breathe. Eat. Take care of yourself.
More deep breaths. Detach from the outcome of what you fear might happen with your W's fog. Focus on the present. Today is no different than what was happening last week.
But it is!! I keep girding my loins, and getting the courage up to "1st", send the e-mail, then "2nd", talk to her face-to-face, and each time I feel like I've won a victory, I'm then faced with her deceit and her obvious attraction for this other, YOUNGER guy. I think I start to get ahead, both tactically and emotionally, and then I'm kicked in the balls and I lose the ground I've just gained trying to take the hill.
Coupled with all of this self-doubt is the knowledge that a loving, stable family life that makes her feel secure is one of the biggest cards that I have to potentially play, and yet our finances are a mess . . . the extent to which she doesn't even know yet (another one of those subjects that she doesn't want to "dwell" on, or even seem to know about). I feel like once she knows all of that, I'm screwed.
I understand your thoughts -- I've asked myself so many times what happened to my SELF RESPECT, but I don't think that's really the bottom line. IMHO, the bottom line is "can I forgive" and "do I still love this person." Yes, you still love your W and yes, from what I've read, you want your M to work out. It's hard, but you CAN get past the lying, etc. It takes a lot of time and a lot of self preservation though. ONLY YOU can decide if you want to get past it. Don't try to decide right now if you CAN get past it, that will come later.
And slow down on the "I'm the one living in the sex-starved M," feeling sorry for Choc stuff. Sit down and think about what made you decide to send that first email to Mrs. Choc and what made you decide to finally take a stand and work on things. YOU KNEW THEN that she may be having an A and yet you still wanted to see if you could get the ball rolling in the right direction.
Again, don't put words in her mouth as far as MC and her just releiving her guilt, etc. You guys have a long road ahead of you and you need to stay positive or it's gonna go down the drain before you even get started.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Who knows, you may tell me this is completely normal, and it's all this gambit and that counter-gambit.
I think not only myself, NOP and many, many others will tell you "this is normal" because IT IS!!!
I would say the vast majority of wayward spouses deny and lie, over and over again.
My H lied so many times I can't count them all. All straight to my face even when I had absolute proof. Told me the first time, second time, third time it was over, - you get the picture?
Heck we were even going for counselling and all the time he was acting (because that's what it was) as though he was working on our R, just to find out he was still seeing her (and she lives a 3-hour drive from here - one way!!) He would go with me to the C on a Friday and go to see her on Monday (his day off) - nice huh? GEL's H was going with her to C for 2 whole years - pretending he was working on things!! Swallow that!
Choc if you are going to get through this you are going to have to be prepared for many, many set backs. Even if your wife has agreed to counselling and the like, she is not in her right state of mind and you have to accept that. You are dealing with something you have never dealt with in the past so be prepared for a whole heck of a lot of surprises (and not nice ones)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
You are the man, you get to take the big hits for awhile. You've just taken the first real steps in awhile and it's going to be harder than before for quite a while. Are you up for the challenge?
Put your anger over the lies on the back burner. It is going to take time to get over that. No reason to let it derail you.
Her discussion with you last night was mostly vapor in order to justify forthcoming behavior. Think about that, she is attempting to set you up for a new reality. That reality is her wayward reality where she is not accounted for and has hours off to herself to pursue her new relationship.
The deal with wayward lies is that they will often have a piece of truth in them. The fact is she probably does feel at everyone's beck and call, and now that complaint is also a useful excuse to demand a little space.
Please re-read my previous email to you. Nothing has really changed, the stakes are still your marriage, and you must be the best Choc possible to win back your wife. That was the plan. Don't change it.
I will help you deal with the other man. Don't get hung up on it.
If csw (and many others) can get through this, so can you.
Let's do this thing Choc. Balls to the wall.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
And slow down on the "I'm the one living in the sex-starved M," feeling sorry for Choc stuff. Sit down and think about what made you decide to send that first email to Mrs. Choc and what made you decide to finally take a stand and work on things. YOU KNEW THEN that she may be having an A and yet you still wanted to see if you could get the ball rolling in the right direction.
True, but I honestly thought (and this may be naive on my part) that once I re-opened-up to her, and told her how I really felt, and also made a stand and told her that I was going to fight for her and our marriage and our family . . . that she would "come around." She's done that before, as I think I've written on here recently -- some long-distance internet dalliances, twice in 20 years. She would come to her senses and do the right thing.
I guess I'm in shock that she doesn't seem to be doing the right thing this time -- at least not immediately.
-- Choc., who needs to figure out where to put the rage that makes me want to kill this guy
