why do we do it?

[tyler]

I've been wrestling with this one for a few months. After we seemed to move into piecing mode, it seemed like it only got harder. Now everything was a, "I'm done, I have nothing left to give" type response.

I think ultimately, the why I do it is for me. The staying part of that doing, I do for my kids. I know what it's like to see my father leave..., repeatedly. To here the fighting, no about his other women. All that crap, I don't want my children dealing with that. So I keep staying as part of my doing for myself. That much of it is important to me, whether it's important to her or not is another story all together.

[Concerned_Listener]

LL,
What an excellent question. Here's my list of what keeps me going in my situation.

1. I believe my W loves me. I will always love my W.
2. Remarriage involves marrying another imperfect person and set of problems.
3. Marriages and people go thru transitions, and have to reinvent themselves. Change is difficult.
4. Our WAS's are wounded from childhood. We have to give them time and space to heal.
5. I believe in hanging in there if there are any positive signs that things are improving, no matter how slowly.
6. Marital difficulties give us an opportunity to work towards unconditional love.
7. There is a moral aspect. Marriages are not like jobs in which we keep switching to find a better one.
8. Maturity is not about running away from problems and unpleasantness. Marriage requires persistence.
9. Divorce is an option if the WAS is doing physical harm to you, or engages in multiple or chronic EA/PA with no signs of breaking the pattern. The situation would have to be barren for a long time with no signs of improvement for me to consider a D.
10. I'm becoming a stronger, happier person because of my marital difficulties, and R with my W. I've begun a writing group and take dance lessons to help me connect with people. I do these because I'm responsible for my own happiness.

CL