How can this be, if you have so little concern for your W that you are ready to throw her out at the first indiscretion (or would it be the first)? Corri was right at the core of the issue, which is that same message you preach, that if a woman wanders, it is 50% the man’s fault. How does this square with the advice you are now giving?
Uh, you are going to have to leave me out of this one. I think you should go back and read the exchange between NOP and I. He answered my point, and he did it very clearly. There is nothing left to debate.
This is one of the things I so admire about NOP. He hears me, he listens to my point of view, which he may or may not agree with... and then he responds. NOP told me how he is. He wasn't asking me or anyone else to agree with him. And he is completely fine with that. He is telling you the same thing.... he's told that to you in several different ways... you just aren't hearing him. But... I admire your pluck.
Lillieperl wrote: --------------------------------------------------- I've given this question a LOT of thought over the last almost five years-- a L-O-T of thought. I'll start a new thread and answer it a bit later today. It'a a very good question, a key question for me. I have a feeling my answer may not apply to your dad's sitch. ---------------------------------------------------
Even if it doesn't apply, I very much look forward to reading it.
Thank you.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Wow, just read all 13 pages of that thread. Fascinating. No input, but just wanted to say everyone on this board has got a little of their own "nuttiness" to overcome. Maybe that is why it is so fun to read. Makes you think...at least I'm not alone out here. And such different perspectives, wow.
NOP you said you would spend a couple of days in jail for breaking a guy's jaw. I don't think a couple of days would do it for the courts and the lawyers these days once you are an adult. Kid on kid, sure a couple of days for fighting.
I was suspended for 5 days and had a state investigator and a child psychologist look at an incident for half a day because one kid in my care was having a temper tantrum. I pulled on his shirt sleeve and said settle down. It was a 2 second reprimand from me.
I never thought anything of it but a kid I wrote up for being drunk, turned it into a child-protective service case. The kid who’s sleeve I pulled wasn’t concerned about me pulling his sleeve till the other boys wanted to make trouble for me. They did their payback thing “lets make trouble for Lou.”
After the investigator heard everything he said to me “they all had different stories” so I went back to work after being off for a week.
I know juvenile and adult laws are different but I wouldn't trust that the truth would prevail in either an adult or juvenile case. It is who has the better lawyer and who can tell the more believable story. Truth helps but doesn't always win a case.
Many years ago you could have gotten a light sentence for jealous acts of violence. I think those days of light sentences are over. Lawyers get behind clients, and it becomes a $$$$ contest.
The broken jaw/jail time is most likely a mute point IRL. I don't see either one of you stepping over the line after all the work you both did to get to where you are.
If you the man, the scriptural head of the household, the biological protector, and the emotional tuning fork dont know what you want or even that you want her, let alone what decision to make, then to paraphrase David Deida, what the heck does she 'need' you for?
Exactly. I do not need my H for anything - he does not provide anything - except for the paycheck he works so hard for. But like I said on Crazy Eddie's thread I'd get that if we D anyhow. Tonight another prime example - he was working all day even though it's Saturday, moving chairs and setting up servers and such in his new office. He came home, ate, went upstairs to say goodnight to the kids and then didn't come back down - just went to bed. I can appreciate he is whacked out - but a simple "honey, I'm bushed I'm having an early night" and kiss would not have gone amiss.
As for Nop's jaw-breaking line: I didn't see that as macho BS I saw that as intended as pre-emptive. It is as Mojo would put it pissing a circle around the W and that makes HER feel protected and cherished. If my H said something like that to me it would make my heart skip a beat even though I know IRL he would no sooner break someone's jaw than rob a bank.
A line my mother taught me and I have used it to good effect in both my LTRs is "if you were ever to lay a finger on me in anger you'd never see me again". Said it to both of them in the early stages of the R before such things would ever seem imaginable. It's a boundary and it works. I later found out that the exBF did hit the OW (she'd been hit before in other R's).
People beat up on each other in their own houses and yet they can get frustrated and angry in the workplace and never a suspicion of violence. They maintain control. Despite denial of being able to do so at home.
You just need to say these things sometimes to make it clear to other people where the boundaries are. And make it clear that they have responsibility for their own actions.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I need to figure out why I am in this self-destructive mode. My finances are screwed up, my marriage is screwed up, and all I can muster is a bad case of don'tgiveashitness.
My wife's trainer is now sending her text messages on her phone. He wants to know when they're going to "hang out" again. He's called her, including tonite when she said she had to run to the store to get flowers for her mother for Mother's Day, while I was home cooking a nice steak dinner for her and our family.
you can start taking some internal baby stepts to changer your manifested behavior.
1) stop all the thought processes that run along the lines of 'I give her my heart/soul/love and she stomps on my heart. She doesnt want the ability to hurt you. so stop giving it to her.
2) stop thinking about what life would be like if you were to get divorced. Its mental sabotage. Stop planning for what you really dont want to have happen. See where you want to be, make it a goal, and created steps for yourself to get there.
My wife's trainer is now sending her text messages on her phone. He wants to know when they're going to "hang out" again. He's called her, including tonite when she said she had to run to the store to get flowers for her mother for Mother's Day, while I was home cooking a nice steak dinner for her and our family.
the next time he txts her, pick up the phone press the call button and when he answers it, Say in your strong voice cheerfully..
Hello Mr.jerkwad. (dont really say that you can think it really loud though.) We are spending the evening together as a family. If you need to reach Mrs. Choco about anything work related feel free to call the house, but try not to make it a habit. Cool? Thanks.
it may not do anything, your wife will probably be embarassed or protest, but at least you are pissing your circle.
Choc, these guys want what you have because you are the top guy. You have the big house, and the beautiful wife and the family, and back in hs and college were pretty damn good with the ladies. Everone wants to shoot at the guy on top and try to take what he has to see if they measure up.
I just finished slogging through this rollercoaster thread.
Nice thread title, Choco. Suckered me right in.
So many topics for comment I can't even think where to begin.
I have not posted in over two months and back then I felt your R was already at critical mass. NOPkins felt as well.
Seeing as how your thread is currently way off topic I will steer it back to you, Chocolate Eyes.
I am simply amazed the sharp folks on SSM let this one go without comment:
Choco said: "btw, my keylogger caught the following from my wife about two weeks ago:
"OLDER WOMAN-YOUNGER-MAN RELATIONSHIPS"
The wise sage once said, what you focus upon expands.
Turns out my warnings from 2 months ago are beginning to come to fruition after all. NOPkins' too.
The cancer is spreading...
You want singular alpha ideas as to how to react to your W's tardiness. Words. IMO you are way beyond words. There is no alpha response. The thread question breaks down at square one.
Why?
Because alphas don't live life reacting to bad F behavior. (Weak) Betas live life in constant reactive mode. Alphas are proactive. Alphas have objectives. Alphas are in firm control of their own destinies at all times, with or without an F in the picture.
What the hell is your objective? For the life of me I cannot figure this out from any of your posts.
A long time ago I promised I would not again address the alpha male mentality in this forum. Why? Because I realized my thread bashing myself for my beta male behavior made a beta male personality look like a bad thing. IMO it isn't.
I had a recent revelation about how I ascribed too much importance in the past on the alpha trait in terms of Rs. Yes, it is important. Definitely. To keep your F and R in line. And, yes, it comes in handy in business on occasion as well. But it's only half of the grater whole. the other half is what I've found to be the prince vs. the king mind set. And who do I have to thank for this revelation?
Donald Trump. But I don't have time to explain on your thread as it is off topic.
Again, too many things swirling around in my head. Perhaps I can post in chunks. Shrug. All I know for sure is you are in dire need of seeing the forest for the trees, my honorable friend. -Stigmata-
The difference between a warrior and an ordinary man is the warrior views everything as a challenge; the ordinary man views everything as either a blessing or a curse.
-Yaqui shaman Don Juan-
...and that holds 2x true for nice guy wussies, DJ
Is it time to repo the BMW?