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A Message from Michele
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Rollercoasters Suck! #1020204
04/19/07 04:46 PM
04/19/07 04:46 PM
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 199
Canada
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Sigh Offline OP
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Yep me again. The wonderful roller coaster rides never seem to stop do they.

I would like to thank Cat and running for the responses to my last post. I think my H is suffering from extreme depression and very low self esteem, which is due to my actions.

My H's Birthday is this Saturday. He said he wants to go golfing, and I said, of course! I was so happy that he is going to go. For the evening I was planning a nice evening at home for him, making his favorite dinner, birthday cake, nothing fancy and just spending time with him...

Unfortunatly, he has plans already. He is going on a date with another woman he met.

Now I find myself in a very difficult position. Considering I was the one who was unfaithful, how can I say anything about him doing the same thing? How can I discuss that this is not a good choice for him to make?

Basically his response was accept it or get out. I told him I can't stay in a destructive marriage like this any longer. This relationship is no longer healthy for either of us.

His response...I stayed after you betrayed me, I am staying even after all you have done, now I want to go out and date and you are leaving me, I stand beside you, and you are abandoing me just at the threat of dating another woman. Hypocrite!

He figures that I was allowed to do this, why is he not able to have the same freedom that I did? Also, to take it one step further, he says he is not doing out of revenge or to hurt me, it is something he needs to do for himself. It's not that he doesn't love me or care about me, but he needs this to be happy. In essence, I got to do this, and he stayed, now he gets to, and I better stand beside him while he does, and be happy about it. Talk about not taking any responsibility for his actions! He is going out on a date and is blaming me that he has to do this.

Am I loosing my mind here? My patience is running out. I feel like everyting is just falling apart. How the heck do you detach when your H is planning to date?

If I do try to detach, and not react, let's just say it makes him even more angry. If I detach from these actions and try not to let it bother me, then he thinks I don't care.

If I try to discuss..it is stopped dead. Basically his defense with everything is I should not have cheated. I should not have destroyed the marriage. All of our marital problems are my fault. You get the idea.

I am sorry if I have offended anyone out there who has been cheated on. I am not trying to down play what I have done. I know he is hurt and angry, probably more than I can understand,

I just don't know what to do any longer.

I am beginning to question if I can save my marriage. If I can, at what cost? My own sanity and well being?

At a loss...

Re: Rollercoasters Suck! [Re: Sigh] #1020210
04/19/07 04:54 PM
04/19/07 04:54 PM
Joined: Dec 2006
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chicki Offline
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Have you told him two wrongs does not a make it right? It sounds like revenge to me. I would tell him that if after he cheats it makes him feel better than maybe that is a big red sign that it's time to move on. BUT if he does it and only feels remorse and truly repents then he might understand where you r coming from, but he reallly needs not even test the water if truly he wants to make the M work.

It sounds like he is way to angry about the situation and wants instant relief.

Re: Rollercoasters Suck! [Re: chicki] #1021632
04/20/07 05:39 PM
04/20/07 05:39 PM
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 210
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Lost_for_now Offline
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Sigh,

I am not going to judge you or your previous actions. I don't know you or your situation and so it would be unfair.

After reading your situation, all I can really say is that you have to let him go and DB for yourself. You need to detach. Ask yourself this: If he had asked you to NOT be unfaithful to him would it have stopped you?

Maybe he will come back around after he realizes the OW isn't all he thought she was. Maybe he won't. The point is, you have to work on YOU. It will be a benefit to you whether he returns or not.

It actually sounds more like he is doing it to get even with you more than anything else. He even said that he expected you to stand beside him while he does it! Definitely sounds like he is looking for a little vengeance, but I don't know your whole situation so it's tough for me to comment.


Current thread

Me-38
W-31
No Kids
Bomb-10/10/06
She moved out very soon after, and is filing for divorce very soon.
Re: Rollercoasters Suck! [Re: Lost_for_now] #1024422
04/23/07 06:24 PM
04/23/07 06:24 PM
Joined: Sep 2005
Posts: 4,805
East coast
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cat03 Offline
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===========
His response...I stayed after you betrayed me, I am staying even after all you have done, now I want to go out and date and you are leaving me, I stand beside you, and you are abandoing me just at the threat of dating another woman. Hypocrite!

He figures that I was allowed to do this, why is he not able to have the same freedom that I did? Also, to take it one step further, he says he is not doing out of revenge or to hurt me, it is something he needs to do for himself. It's not that he doesn't love me or care about me, but he needs this to be happy. In essence, I got to do this, and he stayed, now he gets to, and I better stand beside him while he does, and be happy about it. Talk about not taking any responsibility for his actions! He is going out on a date and is blaming me that he has to do this.
================
what a bunch of BS!!! what you did was wrong, you admitted to him you messed up, it might be out of hurt or revenge, but he isnt' doing this to heal, he is fooling himself.

Remind him that you also forgave his affair 5yrs ago and that how would he feel if you now "even out" the score by going out of a date w/ another man?
Maybe you do need time appart to clear your mind and have your H cool off and see that his hurt is becoming poisonous.

**By the way, it is hard to keep track of a sitch if you start new threads all the time, just stick by one thread that way we know what has happen in the past and are able to see the big pic and know where youv'e come from.


Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2

30something
2kids
survivor of S, MLC, A, D
I have peace in my heart, at last.
Ray of light...sort of [Re: cat03] #1027088
04/25/07 01:22 PM
04/25/07 01:22 PM
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Posts: 199
Canada
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I actually have some positive things to post... \:\)

Satuday cam and my H went golfing. He seemed to have a good time, and I was glad he was able to get out and enjoy some time with his friends.

As the evening approached, I was geeting anxious, but did not let H see that. The he suprised me, as he did not end up going out on Saturday night, but stayed at home with me. We had a wonderful evening, and it continued on into Sunday.

He told me there was no other woman, that he had told me that to see my reaction. Although I really do not agree with the whole "mind games" scenerio, I was not going to let that spoil the time we spent together.

Unfortunately, last night we were right back to square one again. \:\( We were up until 3:30am, him angry and up turing furniture, and I was trying to stay calm and focused. Trying to reassure him, although I will admit, I caught myself yelling a few times myself, and abruptly stopped.

I realize that I need to DB for myself and GAL, but trying to do that without having my H think that I am ignoring him and and that I don't care, is really tough to say the least. I have tried to detach as best I can (still need work here), but my H views it as I am a cold heartless b**** who doesn't care about him.

I am trying to apply the DB principles as best I can, with exceptions to the "going dark" and act "as-if". I tried that for a while with disasterous results, so I had to back off those suggestions.

Sigh

Re: Ray of light...sort of [Re: Sigh] #1027170
04/25/07 02:06 PM
04/25/07 02:06 PM
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chicki Offline
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When you get some advice, let me know. This is the question I have been trying to answer for myself. Not only does my H think that I don't care,but he beleives I am seeing someone else when I detach.

Sorry not any help!

ARGH! [Re: chicki] #1037713
05/02/07 06:39 PM
05/02/07 06:39 PM
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I am having a very frustrating day today!

I tried to send my H an e-mail, I have been feeling rather depressed the past couple of days. He has asked what was wrong, and I have not responded. I have tried to talk about issues I have in the past, only to have them completely tossed aside because his were more important.

After so many attempts of communicating things, only to have them fall on deaf ears, or told what I feel is wrong, it just comes to a point where you stop talking.

Well I felt bad not opening up to him yesterday so I send him an e-mail attempting to explain how I was feeling. I know it is really important to keep communication lines open to discuss things with your spouse, but when it is only one way...The response was the same as always..why do I keep doing this to myself.

I guess the one thing that really got me was this part:

Quote:
We have a new woman who started here.
We were talking this morning, and much of our past was spoken of.

I barely know this person, she barely knows me..
But she "gets it"

And I quote her response: "You must really love your wife, to stay with her. To have been so patient, and then to continue to be there now"
PS: she's divorced and remarried.
Quote:


I read this and I was just hurt and crushed. He has a 20 minute conversation with this woman, telling her everything he has gone through, and because she makes this statement..she gets it.

I don't..she does! I am sure he has left out the physical and emotional attacks I have dealt with the past year ans a half. Trying to make things better at home, the affair he had...

God please someone tell me I am overreacting here!

I know doing the same thing hoping for a different response is just stupid, but the alternative is not discussing how I feel to my H.

I am going insane!

Re: ARGH! [Re: Sigh] #1040211
05/04/07 09:51 AM
05/04/07 09:51 AM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 712
believing_isaiah43 Offline
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INAPPROPRIATE SHARING OF INFORMATION WITH OPPOSITE SEX. Red flags all over the place. New woman at work and they're already talking about their "past" relationships? Your man needs to learn boundaries; he doesn't have any.

That stuff should be between YOU and him, an IC and him, or another man and him. That's all.


Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19

If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3

Part 4

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