D10 had a basketball game this AM, so I picked them up and we went together. The exW was very attentive and look very comfortable being around after last night. I thought she might slip back to being withdrawn, like she was most of last week.
Funny how a MLcers attitude changes so quickly.
Still trying to understand what happened from Weds nite to last nite that made her want to be physical with me after saying she doesn't have those kind of feelings.
I have never posted to you before, but just got done reading your threads. I have been M for 10 years, we have a d7 together.
My H left me almost 2 years ago , involved with Ow, in process of a divorce, and I believe he is in a MLC.
From what I have read in your posts, your S left 3 years ago and you are divorced, is that right? I also ready some of the issues that you posted about your M and how your S felt neglected by you.
My H has expressed similiar things to me. For the first year after he left we went from still being initimate and dating to him cutting me out of his life and turning very angry and nasty with me, threatening divorce many times over the past 1 1/2 years, but never filed until recently.
I found out about 1 year after he moved out that he had Ow. Up until this time I was suspicious, but didn't have proof. H has always denied he was having an A before he left me, but I now know he was. H also told my MIL that he had been confiding in Ow for awhile, but she was just his "friend".
He is living with Ow and H has filed for divorce. He treats me almost like an aquaintance. He is very distant and cold towards me. I have am pleasant to him and try to be upbeat in his presence. I don't bring up Ow to him at all.
My question to you is- how exactly did you treat your XW since she left you? Have you always been kind and treated her with respect inspite of her walking away from your M??
Lately I feel like I am on the right track with my H, even though D is looking pretty inevitable right now. Just this past week he has been nicer to me and even asked me about a tooth in his mouth that is bothering him tonight ( I am a dental Hygienist)
I still love my H and know this is going to be a very long journey with no guarantees, but I am willing to continue to stand for my M anyway. We had something very special once and want nothing more than to have another chance with him.
H still has Ow and moved in with her this past Novemeber. I think he is in love with her or at least he thinks he is. From what I am told about Ow, she is pushy, ugly, and well-- she got involved with a M man with a family, shall I say more?? She is a "shank". I hope that my H will begin to see her true colors soon. He has been with her for over 2 years now so I am beginning to lose hope that their A will end anytime soon.
My hope is that once Ow begins to show her "warts", H will begin to see me in a new light. Maybe he will look back at me. I am trying to become a woman only a fool would leave!
I have been working on myself for the past 2years. Becoming a better person and making needed changes. I have learned so much about R's and how to maintain and sustain them. If my H would only come home he would see that our M would be different. I wish he would believe in us again.
WOuld you mind giving me some advice on how to treat the WAS with respect and dignity, while being their friend?
Suit, what did you do when S gave you the speech that ultimately made them decide to come back?
You obviously didn't read my post. The answer is in there. Tip : read the bit about keeping my lip buttoned while the alien talk continued straight after ML.
Talking of ML....I hope your are happy now? and grateful of the high 5's you're getting from those who have no idea of the consequences of their congratulations and encouragement.
Maybe I should ask you a second time to go back and re-read my post to you on page 1 of this thread. It's even more deja-vu'ish that I first thought.
I told you that the cat was in the bag, I told you provided you kept your mouth shut when it came to R stuff, that you'll have your ex back. But I also asked you, is she *really* what you want and *really* what you deserve.
Buddy, it is an achievement of monumental proportions to have back, the love, affection and interest of someone that rejected you in the first place. It is mammoth achievement but be warned, that love, affection and interest has completely vanished before and it can disappear even quicker the 2nd time when the alien decides to withdraw it. Dang, they are so good at doing this. It is their primary strength.
Man, but if in the fullness of time, if this person backflips because they haven't done enough work to become a self happy person and look to you for their happiness.....all you've done is bought yourself a time bomb with a silent tick. What you end up like is the same as me, someone that's tread water for 2 years...I'm saying this because nothing that you write about even remotely shows that your ex has renounced her selfishness, she still speaks fluent alienese and sounds like she is still at the base of the summit of self happiness and fulfillment?
This is an investment that is going to determine the rest of your life. For as long as you are ML, going on dates and all that other stuff, you are giving her permission to stop growing as a normal and emotionally healthy person. Even though there is definitely some light at the end of the MLC tunnel, she has still got a long way to go. A very long way to go. They say that the awakening happens at around the midpoint, so of you've been at this for 2 years, guess what? 2 more years to go. I'm not sure if it is accurate but know for sure, that the midpoint ain't the time to either put your life on hold or to start planning a future with them.
Dude it's your life, you do what you like with it. All I'm telling you is the the prize is not determined now, it's determined well into the future.
Sorry that I can't post something that you'd like to hear, my conscience won't allow me to do that.
God Bless
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
KTF First off let me say I am very sorry for you stich, but I can relate to what you are going through. Let me see if I can answer some of your questions
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My question to you is- how exactly did you treat your XW since she left you? Have you always been kind and treated her with respect inspite of her walking away from your M??
My exW was a very bitter person full of a lot of anger toward me from about 10/03- 7/05. She filed for D in 10/04 and it was fina; 12/05. We lived in seperate bedrooms until 8/05 when I could not do it anymore and keep my sanity.
When I realized that she was being an irrational person and you can not rationalize w/ such a person I felt much better.
I treated her like I would treat a very good friend, like a business partner. She would only speak with me if it had to do with our D10 or to chew me out about something she thought I was doing wrong. I would not lose my cool, I listened, validated and tried to keep the conversations short. If she called for a favor, and yes this is when they are sweet as pie, I did it if it was resonable and I had the time. When it came to holidays or her b/day I always thought about D10 and how would she like to see us interact. Example, this past X-mas I had D10 X-mas eve into X-mas AM. Now this will probably the last year she believes in Santa and I thought of how much she would like to see both Mom and Dad their in AM. I also know how much it would mean to my exW if she could the look on her face for maybe the last time. I extended an invite to the exW to come over in the AM and she was very taken back but accepted. Now she would never have done this for me, but you need to take the high road, love uncondtionally. These are the actions that the MLCer notices and ultimately makes you shine as a better person. Plus I did this for myself as well, it made me feel good to know I am not the type of person that she is.
After the D I bought a boat, new truck, all new furniture and all of this would tick her off. She would always make comments about how this is her money I am using, trying to engage me in a arguement. DO NOT follow their lead, ignore the banter and stay focused.
My exW now say she notices all of the changes I have made, how great of a father I am. The fog does lift and will notice the new you but don't expect them to admit it.
Your H is still in that fog, we all now that a R that starts as an A will never last.
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I have learned so much about R's and how to maintain and sustain them. If my H would only come home he would see that our M would be different. I wish he would believe in us again.
I think we all beleive this, WE do know that we have made changes, and like I said above they do know as well but WE can not change their behaviors. I tried to convince my exW all the time that we could be much better. Wouldn't work they got to figure out this on their own.
Keep your chin up, your changes will make YOU a better person in the long run.
I applaud you in taking a stand for your M, my prayers are with you.
Thank you for all the great advice. I think I am doing a pretty good job of taking the high road. I guess b/c my H still treats me like a stranger most of the time I feel like things between us will never change, but when I read stories like yours I realize that they can. Thank you for that! Your stitch gives me hope.
I am realizing that all of this takes lots and lots of time and patience. I do believe that my H is noticing my changes , but agree with you that he is still in a fog. He isn't close to being ready to admit he may have made a mistake.
In the meantime I will continue to be a friend , from a distance. If he asks for a favor I will help him out occasionally, but not every time. I am trying to show him what unconditional love is by my actions. Hopefully he will see this.
Right now I feel like maybe he has been kinder to me b/c we are starting the divorce action and he doesn't want me to "rake him through the coals!" He figures if he is nice to me I won't go after more money.
I hope I am wrong and he is being nicer b/c he is seeing my positive changes. I have been trying to be a better listener and be compassionate with him when he does call me about something. I try to be considerate of his feelings about things even though it isn't reciprocated !!
I am a very trusting person and want to believe people when they tell me something. I used to think this was a good trait, but now I wonder. When it comes to my H , he takes advantage of this b/c he knows this about me.
After your D in 12/05, how often did you see your XW? How did she notice you had changed if you no longer lived together and were dating other people?
I really do appreciate you posting back to me. It has helped .
After your D in 12/05, how often did you see your XW? How did she notice you had changed if you no longer lived together and were dating other people?
Having a D10 we saw each other at least 3 times a week. I watch my D after school 3 days. One of her complaints was I didn't spend enough time with my family and wasn't an involved father. I was guilty of all that. She noticed me making my D a priority in my life, I never missed a school function, went on vacations and did fun father-daughter stuff on my weekends.
What I think happens is when the fog lifts they see things weren't as bad as they thought. My exW admitted to me last month that the "grass is not greener"
She also saw me being financially responsible with her, meaning her alomony/CS payment was always on time. If I owed her money for a school activity or clothes, I never argued and paid her the money.
Loving uncondtionally is for YOU , expect nothing in return. It is very rewarding when you learn how to do this.
I know how hard it is when they do not reciprocate nice gestures. Remember the big guy upstairs sees it and that is all the counts.
I took time to read through your stich and I can see what you went through.
I see where our sitchs are similar in how our WAW are acting.
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Man, but if in the fullness of time, if this person backflips because they haven't done enough work to become a self happy person and look to you for their happiness
I agree 100%, they need to do work on themselves. Has she changed, maybe , maybe not. I do now that the person she was when she started this journey is different than the person she is now. She is much more confident person, I do beleive she has experienced a lot growth in the pasgt 1.5 years and I applaud her for that.
Yeah maybe this will blow up, but you know what when I can lay my head on my pillow at night saying I did everything I could to put my family back together then and only then will be at peace.
Until then I am standing for what I beleive in the santity of M and the importance of an intact family for my D. Will I accept my wife if she has not changed in ways that will be beneficial to our M, NO! She will have to show me she will commit to doing that, I beleive she will in time.
Thanks! I think I am finally starting to understand this unconditional love thing. I show my H that I am the better person-- still do kind things , be understanding and considerate of his feelings inspite of all the idiotic things he may be doing, while setting boundaries with him of course.
I will just keep reminding myself that he is a self-absorbed jerk right now and it is all about him, BUT I don't have to be that way. This is not me and I am going to take the high road everytime!
When the fog lifts he will see me for the wonderful person that I truly am. I just have to get to the point where I believe this--- my self-esteem isn't the greatest right now, but I'm working on it!
