You've been out there meeting other women; is your XW still the best one for you?
Yes I do beleive so. She still makes my heart skip a beat when I see her. Now I am not saying she is perfect, but I do beleive we could overcome our issues.
Had a C appt today. He says to keep feel her out on Sat., see if she is warm and receptive. Go out as friends, nothing romantic. If things go well ask her if I can call her on Sunday, if she is receptive then see if she wants to get together one day during the week. He feels I was ignoring some obvious signs from my exW and I was displaying some old bad habits like ignoring her feelings and bounderies. I should just replied to her text on Sunday, "sorry to hear you are upset, talk to you soon" The sitch with her family has some deep rooted pain and this festered all week which lead to the convo last night. Now last night I sensed she did not want to cuddle and I kind of pressed the issue. Another bad move which ignored her feelings. I should respected that and just of been happy watching TV.
So I got some ground work to make up. He feels we have a good chance to reconcile if I learn patience and stop being the old DDC.
We watch tv for a little bit and then I ask her to come cuddle with me. We are kissing for a little and then I get the speech.
"I just don't think dating you right now is a good idea" "I just don't have those feelings like I should and its not fair to you to put your life on hold. Maybe down the line this could work, I don't have a crystal ball but maybe 6 mo or a year or even 6 weeks" "I like the way my life is right now"
Talk about deja vu. I was in this exact same situation about 3 or 4 years ago.
Referring to some wisdom that circulates on this board, words to the affect of - "Actions speak louder than words" "believe nothing they say and half of what they do"
For my 2cents, you got her. She's all yours. However, and it is a big HOWEVER, is that's she's still in lala land. She's still and alien and on an excursion from the mothership.
I also believe that even though she has thawed a little, her head is still up her a$$ and it is still all "me, me, me, me & more me".
You have to ask yourself and to clearly understand why you want this woman?
The fact that your heart skips a beat sounds a little primordial and is more of a statement of lust or attraction which is insufficient to sustain a relationship.
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Now I am not saying she is perfect, but I do believe we could overcome our issues.
You do realize that MLC's see themselves as perfect? I challenge you to find one example on this board of an MLCer acknowledging that they have problems that a course in self help would resolve or improve?
You may think that the issues can be overcome but does your MLCer? Without her agreement and action, it ain't gonna happen.
The mistake I made was that I wanted to be a DB success story and spend 3 months keeping my mouth shut after kissing, ML, spending time together and hearing all the MLC BS after like you are hearing. But I didn't say a word, lived in limbo and we got back together. It didn't last long because the MLCer wasn't willing to budge an inch in terms of becoming a better person. To he!! with living like that.
You want her back. My view, you've got her. But what is it exactly that you are getting back remains unknown and I don't think that you know either setting aside the wishful thinking.
I agree with the advice that you are getting. Go back to DBing (GAL, LRT, be mysterious etc). Your choice to date is yours and although this is my personal view, I would encourage you to because you seemed to have low standards of what you think you deserve. It is an esteem issue. Build your confidence by meeting others.
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
suit Thanks for chiming in, your post hit on a lot of issues that I was discussing with a friend last night.
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For my 2cents, you got her.
I don't really understand how I can have her if she is withdrawing, but one of my good friends made the point that he thinks she said those things in the heat of the moment and doesn't really mean them. He and just like everyone else keeps telling I need to stop analizeing every word. Live in the now and stop projecting into the future.
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You have to ask yourself and to clearly understand why you want this woman?
Good question. I think a lot of it is ego driven, she dumped me and now I want to claim what was mine. I also believe I am addicted the sex with her, it is something I haven't been able to get close to with anyone else. I still look at her like the person I feel in love with 17 years ago. The was a lot hell in the past 4 year she put me through, all the harsh words and vindictive actions really crushed my self esteem. When she was like this I wanted no part of her, but now I see the old W and we have a lot of fun and relate real well to each other.
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You may think that the issues can be overcome but does your MLCer? Without her agreement and action, it ain't gonna happen.
She did make a comment during the speech, that we could work through our issues if both us wanted to work on it. I do beleive that are some anger issue she will never get over. No, I do not want to live on eggsheels if we got back together, but until we do R, I can't make the determination.
Suit, what did you do when S gave you the speech that ultimately made them decide to come back?
Your post was exactly what I needed to read this morning.
This is an article that my C gave me yesterday that really helped me understand relating to W and how us M have a habit of not really listening to the words that are spoken.
I am guilty of going all of this wrong
Listen
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me, and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me strange as that may seem.
LISTEN! All I ask was that you listen not talk or do just hear me.
Advise is cheap. 50-cents will get you both Dr. Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.
I can do for myself, I'm not helpless-discouraged and faltering maybe, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can do for myself, you contribute to my fears and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you, and get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational fear.
And when that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice.
Irrational fears make sense when we understand what's behind them.
Perhaps that's why prayer work's-sometimes-for some people.
Sometimes God is mute. He may not give advice or try to fix things.
He listens and lets you work it out for yourself.
So please Listen and just hear me
And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn, and then I'll listen to you.
exW calls this morning...now she never calls always texts. She opens me up with I need to discuss a couple of things in a business like manner. Now I am getting that walking on eggshell feeling which I haven't had in 2 years. I thought for sure she is going to tell me she thought about Sat nite and decided she doesn't want to go. Turns out she needed to discuss our health insurance and baby sitting arrangements for this summer.
I have been doing a lot of thinking the past couple of days and have took a real hard look at my dating habits with exW.
I've come to realize I was being very selfish and putting a lot of pressure on me to make this work which in turn was being sensed by exW.
I actually feel less pressure now that she told me she wants to just be friends, I mean really we have to be friends first before being romantic.
Here is what I plan on doing tonight.
On the way to dinner I am going to apologize to her about being insensative to her feelings on Sunday night when she text me that she was upset an did not want to talk and I kept pushing her to talk.
I am also going to aplogize for being a selfish jerk and not respecting her body language on Weds nite which said I do not want to make out. This lead to the speech.
Hereb is what I am going to tell her "exW I respect your wish for us to be friends right now and I agree 100%. I just want you to have a good time tonight without any pressure and whatever happens happens. If you feel I am crossing your boundry please tell me and I will stop"
If the date goes real well I am going to end the night with this.
"exW I had a really great time tonight, how about I call you sometime this week and maybe we can hang out and watch a movie?"
I've never posted to you and don't know much about your sitch...but this are my thoughts...
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Hereb is what I am going to tell her "exW I respect your wish for us to be friends right now and I agree 100%. I just want you to have a good time tonight without any pressure and whatever happens happens. If you feel I am crossing your boundry please tell me and I will stop"
I think that this in itself is adding pressure...being a woman I sensed some pressure here...saying you want to be friends 'right now'....(so more later..) and whatever happens happens (it's as if you are assuming something might allready happen..) I think it would be best to just go out with her and DO all the things you wrote....don't write them...DO them...she will feel that MUCH MORE !!!
I hope it works ...it was just MHO...
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Relax, no pressure, casual conversation, and have a glass of wine!
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
