I only hope I can be strong enough to do it when he's sitting in front of me looking all handsome and sexy!
Try thinking about where it's been...nothing sexy about that to me. He's a disease waiting to happen right now.
So how do you tell him no intimacy wihtout making him feel you were lieing about expectations.
First...it doesn't matter what he thinks...so stop acting and reacting for fear of what he will think or do. Do what is right for the reason that it is right.
And telling him your needs have changed...is perfectly acceptable. IT is also acceptable to use when changing other rules...I used it on Sweetheart, telling him HIS needs had changed.
I think you've got a good plan. Be his friend.
BUT understand at times in this tunnel that becomes inappropriate cake-eating too. It is not only appropriate but necessary at this phase of Replay. But later, he may lean on you, hoping that you will solve his problems...avoiding the Depression phase.
Be the light house. Lighthouses shine light to in the distnace, they do move; they are consistent/steady.
As for a friendly divorce...how you approach that depends on the situation.
I told Sweetheart it would not be friendly...Why? Well, mainly I insisted we wouldn;t divorce...I always was firm that I would never divorce him and would not recongize an immoral action such as divorce. But that can be harsh...and I wouldn't have done that in Early Replay with such direct harshness.
He wanted the same lawyer...NO. But that will cost money, you're just being vindicitive WAH WAH WAH..,"That's how these things work Sweetheart." I told him I would not be his friend outside of a marital context.
Your MLCer is living with the OW?
Do you know how wonderful that is? Really...no sarcasm there. Dive right in before getting to know her...and watch the bloom come off that dandelion--cause she ain't no rose.
Plus it can help keep the MLC costs down. Sure I hated that Sweetheart lived with an OW...that every night he lay down next to her.
BUT I was spared form wondering if he was with her...it became old news and didn't bother me like it would an LBS whose MLCer has his own apartment...that constant wondering is awful.
Instead I knew that he was living a miserable life of constant fighting in chains with constant fighting. He tried to tell me otherwise...but I'm no idiot. She was always pressuring him to divorce me...and after Summer 2005, he wasn't up for that anymore. I knew that ever time he left home he was not running away from me but rather running away from himself. It merely meant the crisis wasn't over and he HAD to go through more...nothing I could do about it but accept.
Oh, I ddin't have to approve...NOOOO...when he left I went No-Contact...two women is not an option. As his needs changed, the No-Contact also changed...he needed that friendly shoulder.
But I didn't pressure him about our relationship. Instead, as he cried that he was ruining our marriage, I told him I was not going anywhere and that our marriage was in no way going to be ruined...I told him to please remove that worry so he could focus on himself.
Please stop the sex. Yes you'll miss it...and yes he will and IS getting it elsewhere. To bad. It is unhealthy for both of you. It is keeping him connected...and there is a part of staying connected that is good...maintain a spiritual connection. But he's keeping you available as his crutch. He needs to stand on his own.
my C said to me in the beginning...when we were also still being intimate, that I was prostituting myself;...well that stopped the intimacy straight away !!
Like RCR says, I do miss it - terribly....but I hope that one day we will have it back under the right circumstances !!!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
Sound like your doing well (all things considered). I see the communication between the two of you as a positive (regardless of OW). You seem to be his safe place and this is good.
You do seem to have a good attitude and are well informed. That helps so much.
As far as the ML Was2sad is right, you have to choose. If you feel you are not being true to yourself then by all means set the boundary.
RCR...i find your input thot provoking ....my H lives w OW maybe since sept...would say much later....i would think not...affair a year.....he looks like crap if i may say so. good thing huh? i just got the spew of letting him go down the tubes cos i wont subsidize his new life by paying"our" bills....the debt "we created together"...i wont care if he lives in a cardboard box......spew spew......its taking a physical, emotional, psycological toll on him.....but its NOT depression...he says......its all my fault he says.......bleh as Lis would say
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
H is coming over for dinner tonight. We talked on the phone last night about OW biopsy. The results won't be in for 10 days. He just called while I was typing this "just to check in and see how things were going this morning". He always calls me from his truck on the way to work as OW is not around then. I wonder if he thinks I don't realize what he's doing? It amuses me actually.
RCR - I agree that him living with her is actually a good thing. It hurt like he!! when I first found out (Valentines Day!), but now I don't have to wonder if he's seeing her, he's not lying and hiding things from me about her (I don't ask questions, but I know he's with her even though we don't talk about it).
I know that them living together can only help my situation. I realize that affairs are based in fantasy and a little reality in their world is a good thing. She's the total opposite of me in every way shape and form. H now has to cook dinner for them both every night as well as clean and do laundry as she doesn't do any of that stuff. She hates kids. We have 2. She has a large dog that now lives in their tiny apartment with them. He hates dog hair and can't stand having a dog in the house. She is loud and opinionated and large. I am small and fairly quiet and only voice my opinion on things that really matter to me. I'm pretty easy going and she isn't.
H and I got along better than any two people I have ever known (really we did) our personalities were a good match for each other. I'm actually interested to see how this works out with the two of them once the "new" wears off. I probably won't get to see much of it, but it will be enough.
Thanks for the support Grace O and Cinders.
PWS - Of course he's going to say it's all your fault that he's going down the tubes because it couldn't possibly be his! That would just be ridiculous. I'm sure you know not to listen to it and to just let it go in one ear and out the other. I have a nice MLCer and he still spews from time to time. I never react anymore. I think it drives him crazy that he can't get a rise out of me so he doesn't try as much anymore. They just look for a reason to validate what they are doing and if they can get you to bite back it gives them fuel. bleh indeed.
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
I hope that all goes well for you tonight. You seem to have a good PMA esp. about his living with her. I liked RCR's spin on your H's living with OW, I hadn't looked at it that way. I think it's good that he's not lying to you too. Little things that help.
I forgot to mention that on the phone last night H started to say "I love you" when he was getting ready to hang up. Got out "I Lo. . ." then caught himself and said "tell the kids I love them." even though he had just talked to them and told them both himself. I think it was more habit than anything even though he seems to have gotten out of the habit pretty easily most of the time.
There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you. David Burns, Intimate Connections
It could be habit, but what would it hurt to think of it as a small positive? Ok, he didn't spit it out, but that could fall into the category of "I don't want to lead you on or give you false hope" .
My H doesn't say much, but that was one thing he wanted to be clear about. He's in a withdrawn state now, rarely initiates a conversation. That's ok. He talks to our D's. I'm pleasant. We'll see where all of this leads. After all, when you're in the ninth circle of hell, things can only get better.
.