An OBVIOUS need for at least 1.5 bathrooms in every house.... Both of you sound good and that you are getting "there". "There", is the detachment you are starting to feel. I posted to someone else about the Advantages of WAS actually being gone, which I'll repeat in a minute. Sorry if I'm repeating myself, K, I think I told you or Nicola some of this already, and I hate repeating myself. I said, "I hate repeating myself"....plus, I worry a little about the adjustments we made b/c he left, and the one we'll have to re-adjust when d9 and H and I are together. But here are the advantages and some of them are not so obvious Okay, your H is gone and you have kids. Now, You have the remote control, menu control, and ...without anyone questioning your appetite, you certainly can "have ALL of that" ice cream, chocolate, pizza, and if YOU feel like it, in Bed. Chick flicks are just fine thank you very much, no one leaves the toilet lid up, let alone a little messy, and last but NOT least, there is no jerk is mean to your kids!! No one else sees your credit card balance to know what you spent on shoes, make up, a new bf???.....Ahhh, life is good.
Seriously, for a long time that was all I had for GAL and PMA. But it did help. I posted to a guy ("Speedwagon" who really needs support and a reality check from women, btw). I said these things in "gender" reverse of course, though for the life me, what could possibly improve with OUR absence??? Okay, fine. They can have their Days long marathons of football/baseball/basketball/ golf, they want. (Ahem, I do love football, but I digress). And leave dirty dishes out until you've gone thru them all AND the paper plates too.
Although I am in "Piecing" and cross my fingers and heart about it (too wary even to say "Divorced Busted") often. I want to know the UNknowable, about the future, past, etc. But is Not possible and can wreck my PMA, GAL and ruins my enjoyment of life. I worry about this being a real reconciliation, down the road you guys will have those issues with a man, not necessarily hour H's. I mean, we never will KNOW what is in a man's heart or what the future holds. But we have to be alright with or without them, and I'm just a bit ahead of you at the moment. I am grateful to have the challenge of trying to piece, b/c I KNOW it beats dividing assets and planning holiday visits apart...so sorry guys, but, remember that this too, shall pass.
(hugs) j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Right now I am having a bad moment, had a bad day! I just got done crying my eyes out.
I am leaving for vacation in the morning , just got home from picking up last minute things for the trip. I went down memory lane as I was shopping. Thinking about H and all of "our family vacations" that we have gone on together. The last time I packed for vacation it was with my H. I am missing him so much tonight! I just want my family back again and my H's arms around me again, but I know that this isn't going to happen now , if ever. I have no choice but to accept what life has dealt me. I hate this!
I used to look forward to our vacations, but tonight I feel like I would rather just stay home. Of course, I haven't let on to the girls b/c I don't want to spoil their vacation. I am acting like I am looking forward to it. Somehow I felt "safe" and "happy" when I had my entire family with me. Things are so different now and I feel lost. I really do...
I think I am going to go cry some more before the girls get home. I don't want them to see me upset. I just want to call H and tell him how much I miss him, but I know I can't
Don't you dare stay home! Is this your Florida trip? No ow, but will you have to see H? Look, just using my trip last year as an example. I know Italy costs a lot (not for Europe) and it is not necessary to go all that far. But try HARD to go somewhere you never visited before and that will be of great interest to you. I think the trip I took to Florence with the kids was the best thing I ever did for myself, and us. Got my mind off H, our M, and had a really good time with my kids. It seemed to cheer us all up and was a turning point. It "proved" we could still laugh and have fun and be "together", just us. "WE" were/are a family whether H was there or not. Could have been like H was at work. No matter. We now have so many memories together, and we've started to share them with H...no longer awkward for him to hear although he did say he wants to take me somewhere I have not gone before. If I recall correctly, Upstate New York has some places, Quebec is like Europe for half the price, btw. You might want to ask the older girls for their input. D18 and I planned the trip and so many nights spent on the trip, instead of obsessing, was such a blessing. Just made us all look forward to something and it was OURS...make sense?
Okay. 4 steps forward, 1-2 backwards...You are still moving forward K. Get your mind off that alien asap. You are a beautiful woman, you are smart, you like sex (that itself should be enough, right?), you like kids even when they're not your own, and you have a sense of humor. And you aren't wrinkled or stinky. Your H's choice to "love" someone else is HIS problem. Yes it hurt. But it does not have to do with you. A workshop (called Essential Experience, btw--best emotional work and most breakthroughs ever for me, H and I went together, later, and got some tools for handling what is going on with us now-who knew?--on and it helped us, I think it's still on the east coast as I helped form the group in Philadelphia, they have a website...anyhow--no, I don't get a commission and I am not recruiting!!)----wth??
ANYWAY---I met a very striking woman there, who projected a deep mourning sense of sadness. Turns out her h had left her and she wasn't moving forward. She was, in short, "stuck." The REAL fear she had was that if indeed she was such a good catch, why on earth would a man who knows her and once loved her, stop? Did that mean she was not worthy of love? Did it mean she would never experience it again? Did it mean their life together was an illusion? ALL of us have had those fears in some or all forms.
I got to know her. She was a cool artistic, very kind woman and became a good friend. Here's the deal. Her H f----- up. I mean, she WAS a great pkg and he just threw it away. Like hating a beautiful piece of jewelry is a matter of taste? I don't know. All I know is that she was exactly who we thought she was, and it was HIS perception that was off AND/OR just a stupid weak choice of his. Can't say. Can only help her know that her life was not an illusion, she indeed IS lovable, and would come to love again.
Same for you K, and MrsH. Your pain is deep but it is not fatal, and it is Not eternal. Each day that passes, you are one day closer to the healing being completed. Keep going. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Don't you dare stay home! Is this your Florida trip? No ow, but will you have to see H? Look, just using my trip last year as an example. I know Italy costs a lot (not for Europe) and it is not necessary to go all that far. But try HARD to go somewhere you never visited before and that will be of great interest to you. I think the trip I took to Florence with the kids was the best thing I ever did for myself, and us. Got my mind off H, our M, and had a really good time with my kids. It seemed to cheer us all up and was a turning point. It "proved" we could still laugh and have fun and be "together", just us. "WE" were/are a family whether H was there or not. Could have been like H was at work. No matter. We now have so many memories together, and we've started to share them with H...no longer awkward for him to hear although he did say he wants to take me somewhere I have not gone before. If I recall correctly, Upstate New York has some places, Quebec is like Europe for half the price, btw. You might want to ask the older girls for their input. D18 and I planned the trip and so many nights spent on the trip, instead of obsessing, was such a blessing. Just made us all look forward to something and it was OURS...make sense?
Okay. 4 steps forward, 1-2 backwards...You are still moving forward K. Get your mind off that alien asap. You are a beautiful woman, you are smart, you like sex (that itself should be enough, right?), you like kids even when they're not your own, and you have a sense of humor. And you aren't wrinkled or stinky. Your H's choice to "love" someone else is HIS problem. Yes it hurt. But it does not have to do with you. A workshop (called Essential Experience, btw--best emotional work and most breakthroughs ever for me, H and I went together, later, and got some tools for handling what is going on with us now-who knew?--on and it helped us, I think it's still on the east coast as I helped form the group in Philadelphia, they have a website...anyhow--no, I don't get a commission and I am not recruiting!!)----wth??
ANYWAY---I met a very striking woman there, who projected a deep mourning sense of sadness. Turns out her h had left her and she wasn't moving forward. She was, in short, "stuck." The REAL fear she had was that if indeed she was such a good catch, why on earth would a man who knows her and once loved her, stop? Did that mean she was not worthy of love? Did it mean she would never experience it again? Did it mean their life together was an illusion? ALL of us have had those fears in some or all forms.
I got to know her. She was a cool artistic, very kind woman and became a good friend. Here's the deal. Her H f----- up. I mean, she WAS a great pkg and he just threw it away. Like hating a beautiful piece of jewelry is a matter of taste? I don't know. All I know is that she was exactly who we thought she was, and it was HIS perception that was off AND/OR just a stupid weak choice of his. Can't say. Can only help her know that her life was not an illusion, she indeed IS lovable, and would come to love again.
Same for you K, and MrsH. Your pain is deep but it is not fatal, and it is Not eternal. Each day that passes, you are one day closer to the healing being completed. Keep going. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I know EXACTLY how you feel. You don't want to be too demanding because they will be mad but you don't want to be too submissive either. NPD to a tee.
The only thing that worked for me was the nice approach, I hate to say it. It practically kills me to have to beg for money.
I used to say,
You have always been so reliable when it comes to the money situation for the kids. When can I expect the check?
Short and sweet.
I got temporary support filed so I didn't have to deal with him. He still pulls this crap even with alimony but he knows I have the law behind me. They have to be held accountable, too. Even my XH thought he was above the judge. Most of them do. Feel as though they are victims. I am sure you know the drill.
