What you described about a candid talk about testing, etc is exactly what happened with my first post D man-- I initiated the talk. It turned out easy since we'd both been tested since we last had sex, and both got clean results. (also easy since we discussed it over phone, not in the heat of the moment) This is someone I trust explicitly-- but also someone who I don't see sometimes for months at a time, so I feel like it's going to have to be readdressed when we get together again. I'm not looking forward to that conversation. In fact, I'm dreading it.
In another situation, I KNEW better, but things just got carried away, so we had the talk after the fact.... I know my real issue is that I like the uncomplicated part of a monogomous partner, no worries, no condoms. I probably dislike the idea of a condom to an unreasonable extreme-- for someone who'd never used one, anyway! But I realize that to NOT do so, means not only an incredibly high level of trust in the man-- but also in his past/other partners, and that's more trust than makes sense.
Ugh.
Oh well, I guess this will be more of a concern when I meet someone who seems to be tugging at my hormones... which is not the case at the moment.
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
This is a great post....thanks to all of you for your honesty!
I haven't "taken the plunge" yet, but I have several friends who are dying to set me up with the "perfect guy"!! I think that is how I will start for now...blind dates set up by people I know.
I agree that although we don't "need" somone in our life...it is still nice to have someone in your life. I think right now I would date casually. I hesitiate to get too wrapped up in one person too quickly. It would also be nice to just have a guy around for a social dates!
Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.... (thoreau)
I haven't "taken the plunge" yet, but I have several friends who are dying to set me up with the "perfect guy"!! I think that is how I will start for now...blind dates set up by people I know.
Wow, "perfect guys"? Now that's what I call pressure!
I've come to the conclusion that it would be silly to consider anyone as potentially being "Mr Right". I think it would be too much pressure, and spoil things. Instead, anyone I like can potentially be a "Mr Right Now"... and see how things go. It keeps my expectations more realistic, but it doesn't rule out someone turning out to be Mr Right. It just means that I won't predetermine it, to where I am not objective.
In divorce recovery, they told us to make a list of what we could not stand in our ex... and another list of what we wanted in someone. They said do this while it's fresh on your mind, and you are objective. Then when you meet someone, compare them to your list.
Sounds a little like a grocery list, but in some ways it makes sense. My first pass at this list was very biased by the bad things in my M that I never want to repeat. But I think it will evolve in time. Already, I've found out that if you are not thinking of a particular person when you make a list, you can be more honest, more requiring, more true to yourself. (at one point, I left off that he should believe in God-- mostly because I was involved with someone who did not. Over time, I realized that really does belong on my list... and to leave it off was dumb.
I guess at some point, I have to figure out which things on the list are the non-negotiables....
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
Hi SC!!! WOW - you just wrote what I was going to write. About the list. My C asked me to do it more than 2 years ago. At the time I wrote it with H in mind and me very much wanting to work things out with him. I have only pulled it out about once every 6 months and compared it to a couple of guys I know. INTERESTING....
Well, new guy, Josh, rates quite high, though there are things I enjoy that he doesn't and things he prefers that I don't. None of them are biggies. For example - I love to JetSki. Although he DID go for a ride on mine - I can't say he loved it. I like pop and rock music - he prefers classical, but the more we listen to his classical (during dinners at his house) the more I am appreciating it. So it goes...
I never knew much about chemistry before, but I can say with certainty - I felt it when I met Josh. This is good. Yes, we kissed on our first date - it felt right - actually we kissed 1/2 dozen times. All the things that I had worried about before or with previous dates vanished when I met him. It just feels right. For right now. You are so right about not wanting to look too far into the future. We have basic differences in lifestyle. The most important 2 are: I have children and he doesn't. He lives in Toronto and I live 75 min away. Neither seems a big deterent to us.
I read the following this week...
"Stop looking for Mr Perfect. If he is 80% what you are looking for - then that is great. It probably doesn't get much better. You can work on or work out the other 20%" I think this makes a lot of sense. I also agree with not looking too far ahead. We plan about a week ahead right now in consideration of our distance thing and the fact I need a sitter for my disabled son. He always makes plans and gives me lots of notice - I really appreciate this consideration.
High on my list has been honesty. I am finding I have trust issues. Josh is SO honest. He also tells me about the things he does after work every day without me asking and he doesn't phone me EVERY day. We don't need daily contact. Although he doesn't have children, he does place a high value on family and calls his parents and sisters often. I think that says a lot about him as a person.
Anyway, its hard not to look to the future too much, but I am trying to live in the moment. I really enjoy my "Mr. Right Now". Works for me!!!
Aw Barney, I just feel the need to know what percentage can live up to my wants and desires. I'm hoping it's not a scant 2-3% of the population, as I am so picky on so many other things that it would be like finding a needle in a haystack!
I'm thinking if JoJo and I surveyed say, 100 men, that would be a good enough sample. And I'm HOPING that at least half of them give affirmative responses. That would mean maybe you could count on half of the half... or 1 of 4?
I guess we could have follow up Q's for the "maybe's"....
Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and annoys the pig.
SC wrote: I'm hoping it's not a scant 2-3% of the population, as I am so picky on so many other things that it would be like finding a needle in a haystack! _______________________
It might be 2-3% if you could get honest answers. Don't be discouraged, though. Just look for the needle that's standing up.
I'm a long way way off; I'm trying to figure out the soon to be post-D R with WAW. We have 3 children.
I know trust will be a HUGE issue. There are/were many unresolved trust issues with us.
I also wonder if we DBers won't be hyper-sensitive to people who do not meet our new expectations. I hope in the future,I will change my more of the same behavior that brought me to this point in my life.
Will we analyze every behavior we see from people in our post-D life? Comparing it to our DB knowledge base?
I think that is how I will start for now...blind dates set up by people I know.
