For me it makes me less skeptical of meeting people here. Not that I'd start a relationship until I'm fully healed but I think the fact that people are here trying, when everything in our culture tells us that marriage is expendible says something about the person in their core.
I mean we're told pretty much every day by the media and entertainment how unimportant marriage and relationships are. That we should always do what's best for us and don't bother with the consequences. Yet, there are people who come here broken hearted TRYING to save their marriage. That caring isn't on the surface, that shows who they really are.
Now, I don't know if you mean getting involved in a relationship with someone here or not. My last relationship was long distance. I will never get involved in one of those again. It's just too hard.
As far as opening up my life, I might hold back a little longer than I might in a relationship because of what's happened but there really isn't that much I wouldn't be honest with anyone about. Just ask.
I am very fond of the people I've met here and would like to make them friends outside of DB. I'm not even thinking about another relationship right now.
It seems that many have had an experience with a fellow BB member. I don't think I realized how common it is. I have never even met another in person from the bb, came as close as ever last summer when I was in Colorado-wanted to meet gd1 and new beginnings but had to cut my visit short so it did not work out.
I just have some questions for those of you that have done it. First, let me state that this bb has been a wonderful method of support and friendship. I have formed some wonderful friendships with people that I communicate with off the bb too. But, I remain skeptical of computer dating. This bb may be the exception. I think the comp is a wonderful tool of communication but I think that there is no substitute for face to face relationship building. The distance factor must add some complications. I know that there are those who have done it and done it successfully and I don't want to discredit those who have.
What was your initial reaction when you finally met the other person in person? Did the actual person meet or exceed your expectations? Did you think that they accurately portrayed themselves or was there some misrepresentation?
I once did my own little study on computer dating and placed an ad with a service that shall go unnamed. My ad reflected the emotional state that I was in at the time (so pardon it, it has something to offend just about everyone) and was written with more cynicism than anything. I should be ashamed but it was all part of the post divorce craziness. I still have a copy - it said:
Quote: Intelligent late thirtyish women seeks witty conversation with smart gentleman. Please skip this ad if any of the following applies to you: Alcoholism, Brut 33, curfew, frequent use of profanity, fear of flying, excessive television viewing, tobacco (chewing or smoking), tattoos, unimaginative, moody, Rogaine, infrequent bathing, non-adventurous, liar, thief (of hearts or otherwise), drugs, and/or you are previously committed to someone else.
I didn't seriously expect anything to come of it, but, to my complete surprise, I got lots of replies-from men who must have been in about the same place at the same time and tired of the same things. But when it actually came down to meeting any of them, I couldn't do it.
I couldn't fight the feeling that it was some zit-faced fifteen yr old kid in Hackinsack responding...
Quote: What was your initial reaction when you finally met the other person in person? Did the actual person meet or exceed your expectations? Did you think that they accurately portrayed themselves or was there some misrepresentation?
Mine was exactly as I expected. She was pretty upfront about who she was and she was that person. We'd exchanged pictures prior to meeting and had heard each other's voices through many phone calls.
I was afraid until I met her that she too was a 13 year old pimply faced boy. The first visit to see her, she was late getting to the airport and I was so sure that I'd been done in. But she showed up, gave me a giant kiss and hug and things were wonderful until 2 months ago.
May I call you Triple A for short? Did the distance play a part in the ending of the R? People say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but sometimes I think it's more out of sight, out of mind. I think it would be difficult to remain committed over a long distance. I suppose it just depends on the two people involved.
NB,
Sorry, I didn't see your earlier post. Glad you stopped by, it has been a while. I will be back in CO next spring to stay with my brother. LOL Just got his Christmas list. "Drugs, Pornography, and Socks." (I should clarify that that is just his weird sense of humor) Socks are the only viable option. Hopefully this next visit will be better planned instead of flying by the seat of my pants.
Quote: May I call you Triple A for short? Did the distance play a part in the ending of the R? People say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but sometimes I think it's more out of sight, out of mind. I think it would be difficult to remain committed over a long distance. I suppose it just depends on the two people involved.
Hey Dulcie!
I think distance played the biggest part in the end of our relationship. We live 2 time zones apart so when her evening was ending my was kind of just beginning. I was either going to give up my life to speak to her each night OR risk drifting apart because we didn't get to talk to each other. So I chose to give up my personal life to be able to talk to her each night. I didn't go out and spend time with friends. So, I ended up clinging too much to the relationship. I hated it and I am much happier now that we're apart because I don't feel the need to give up my life. I still miss her though.
My advice to anyone doing the LDR thing is that not only do you have to have MORE communication than you might normally, but you also have to be very strong individuals. You have to have a life of your own to help with the loneliness. I had hoped that having a LDR would allow me to heal on my own but still have someone to turn to. I just didn't do the healing part.
I'll never do a LDR again, unless the relationship starts out normally or there's a definite timeframe to be together. We'd talked for over a year about her moving to Denver and it just never happened.
It's late and I'm getting tired so I hope this helped and made sense.
What a honest and blunt ad! Do you think there are people out there that are just sick of the games?
Quote: What was your initial reaction when you finally met the other person in person? Did the actual person meet or exceed your expectations? Did you think that they accurately portrayed themselves or was there some misrepresentation?
The X GF and I had just posted on each other's threads for about a month. I don't think either one of us misrepresented ourselves. I didn't have any expectations when I met him.
I was curious about him as a person - but I never considered him R material - he was 15 years older than me. He was curious about me but didn't consider me to be R material. He did mention that I was different in person than in my posts - I guess I am pretty serious and intense when I post! LOL!
My legal D had only been final for a month and I had no intention of getting involved in an R when I went to the Cape Cod DBfest. He had no intention of getting into an R until he was legally D.
I honestly don't know what happened! Why did two people so determined to not be in an R end up in a R?
I thought he was very attractive. I guess he was surprised when he met me too. I think there was a strong physical attraction and we seemed to really connect when we talked.
We went for long midnight walks on the beach, left all of the D worries behind for a weekend - probably for the first time in a very very very long time. It was just magical - a escape from reality. I know "magical" is a dangerous word!
Then reality kicked in - he had a W that he was still very attached to. He was going through the turmoil of letting her go. I don't do very well playing second fiddle to another woman that a man calls a W in a R - just not my thing.
Anyway, even though the R is over and I am finally able to let it go with peace this weekend, I still count that weekend as the most romantic and magical weekend I have ever experienced. And I have had a few of them - I got M when I was 31.
Thank you for this thread - reading the posts on here is what finally helped me get past this R.
Oh well, I guess it was nice raincoat - but shrank the first time I had it cleaned!
You make perfect sense. The different time zones would add another dimension. I have a pen pal in Germany and they are 7 hours ahead of my time zone so when my work day is ending, he is going to bed. And when his work day is ending, I am just going to work. We mainly write so that I can practice my Deutsch and he can practice his Englisch. No romantic overtures.
I would imagine that if you live in Denver, you'd have all sorts of opportunities for Rocky Mountain babes when you feel more healed. LOL I love your state-it is just beautiful.
Your ad wasn't cynical - it's simply what a lot of guys would be interested in. Brutal honesty with a hint of a sense of humor. Remember we are very simple compared to you women. We don't like to guess and we hate games unless we get to make the rules.
Online dating? Me never but I know it has worked for some. I just need a face to face meeting. It's kind of a pride macho thing for me too. That's just me and my caveman ways. I'm so cautious these days I need to scope out someone pretty good before even going out but not online - in person. You know meet them with a group, very casual safe environments early on. Of course my dates always involve the outdoors or a ballgame - that's how I weed 'em out. Wussy girls need not apply. Dulcie - you are the only online woman I would break my rule for!!
I too was surprised by the amount of people who have met on this board. The only other place I even post is this killer fishing bulletin board and a local community website where I get to spout off my leftist bleeding heart political views. In fact that board gets together for pizza and picnics a couple times a year but I haven't made it out yet.
Manisha - keep tryin on them raincoats because one day it will be rainin men - you know the old song?
I do think people are sick of the games. Personally, I like ballgames and boardgames but not head games. It just gets too difficult after a while and I think most people just want someone that they can be comfortable with. I always felt on guard with my x and it is still a relief not to have to live like that 3 years later.
Blunt! Yes, that is a family of origin issue. You are quite perceptive. All of my family is like that and especially my mother. I think most of the family members don't realize the impact of their words until AFTER they are spoken. By then, the damage is done-there is no way to successfully take it back once it is out there. I'm trying to work on it and learn the meaning of "tact" but it is a struggle.
Glad that you are moving on successfully from your first serious post D relationship.
Oh BTW, there is one response to my ad that I often wished that I had had the courage to check out. I kept it too. It said:
Quote: Hello! I'm a witty early 40ish guy that enjoys tolling bells and pouring hot, molten lead on strangers passing beneath. I'm looking for a women that likes heights and isn't threatened by sinister sidekicks. Must be self-assured, confident and like spending time it the laboratory. Could you be the women I'm looking for?
Dulcie, I hope that when you are here we can get a group together to meet you.:) I miss our chats! Your brother has your sense of humor that is good! As to your earlier question, the person I was with was exactly as they portrayed and there wasn't any kind of disappointment meeting them in person. We talked for hours on the phone and we exchanged pics also. It hurt like heck when it was over but it was worth all the joy that I received and the lessons I learned. The long distance thing was hard though and I don't see going through that again. I guess we don't know if it is worth it unless we take a chance and so, yes, I would take a chance again. This is a good thread and thank you for starting it!
