Good to have you back Corri. Have I finally stumbled onto the meaning of life? Don't answer that - you're supposed to be taking a break from this stuff and getting some work done!
Quote: Not sure if I asked this before but does your company have a hotline you can call for a reference or help?
Barbara,
I think you asked before but I never answered. I work for a very small company, therefore my "benefits package" is pretty limited. No such hotline available to me - heck, our voice mail consists of an answering machine that you can only reach during non-work hours when the receptionist doesn't answer!
Just trying to be funny. Thanks for the suggestion though.
Quote: when I finally give up and decide there's nothing else to try, maybe that's when things will suddenly get better.
BINGO!!! You got it. A+ and 10 points extra credit for saying it out loud.
Corri
I don't know that it gets better. At least not for me. I'd say when I quit trying we fought less but pretty much began living seperate lives in the same house. My wife and I had it out over the phone today. We ended the conversation with "I'm not moving out you are." "No you are." "No you are." Looks like a fun evening in store for me when I get home.
FredD
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Quote: Just trying to be funny. Thanks for the suggestion though.Sooner
At least you haven't lost your sense of humor. And let me tell you, going through what we do is helped by having a sense of humor.
So, no hotline and no family doctor. Have you tried calling any of those listed in the yellow pages? Any luck? Keep trying till you find one. Don't put it off.
Hi Sooner If you are pretty sure your W won't go with you, and you are worried about costs ect why not just tell her you are going to see one and see what she does. If she says no tell her you are going to see one on your own. You don't have to really go just tell her you went. Go to a bar and talk to the barman. They say it is as good as therapy right? The thought of you seeing a therapist might make her wake up a little. Tell her the therapist is really gorgeous and very understanding!! The only problem is if she does decide to go with you after all. If this happens tell her your T left town suddenly and you have to arrange a different one. OK OK lying to your wife is bad. But it'd be funny.
I'm doing okay - thanks for asking. Right now my wife is dealing with some problems at work that have her on the verge of a nervous breakdown, so I really don't expect to make any progress on the sex issue. Don't really know why, but that somehow makes the situation easier to take. Probably because I realize that there's more to the problem than just me.
With regard to looking a counselor or therapist, I've made no progress whatsoever. I've gotten some great advice, but I've been so busy at work that I haven't had time to think about much else. Except of course OU/Texas! Being a Texan, are you a Longhorn? Anyway, I'll get back to the therapist search when I get freed up a bit at work.
Have a good weekend. I'll be out of town working (without a computer) on Sunday, Monday, and probably part of the day Tuesday so I'll check in when I get back.
Hi everyone. I haven't posted in quite a while so I just thought I'd give an update. The good thing is that the Sooners won tonight. The bad thing is that my wife and I got into a pretty heated argument last night. I got to thinking about some things as I was driving home from work yesterday, so I decided that when I got home I'd ask her to just sit and talk with me - no arguing, just talking. That worked okay in the sense that she allowed me to say what I wanted to say without interrupting me. I tried to express how much I love her and how sorry I am for anything that I've done to contribute to our problems. I also tried to explain the reasons that I want to have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship with her - something that I think she's failed to understand. I believe that I spoke very lovingly and I couldn't help but tear up as I tried to express my feelings. At the end I asked her if she could start working with me to make our problems go away and, if so, what I could do to make that easier for her.
She basically told me the same things that she's always said - that yes, she wants our relationship to be better and that she would try. But then she said she felt like she'd just been attacked. That floored me, because I couldn't understand how anything that I'd said could be taken as an attack. Nonetheless, we were not arguing at that point and we eventually went on about our business. Later that night, my wife was laying in bed awake and I asked if I could just lay down beside her and hold her. But I obviously got too close, she jumped away, and although I'm not even sure how it got started, we started into a "discussion" which elevated into a full-blown argument. What really got me upset is that she told me that she doesn't have a lack of sexual desire - that she did initially (after our first daughter was born) but for a long time (years now) the reason for our lack of intimacy has been that she can't get over the resentment that she feels for me. And the only reason that she holds that resentment for me is because of the sex argument! She said that she wants to be intimate with me, but if she tries (I'm not really sure what she means by "trying") she has an anxiety attack because she's worried about having the argument. That doesn't make much sense to me. I understand the anxiety as I have it too, simply becuase we're so seldom intimate. But I'm confident that it wouldn't take very long before the anxiety would go away. I just don't understand why she wouldn't try to get past it, knowing that if she were to only start showing me some affection there would be no longer be any reason to continue having the argument that she seems to be so afraid of. Anyway, I ended up doing what I know that I shouldn't do - I wouldn't let the argument end, making her madder and madder until it was pretty ugly. I ended up going on to bed and she fell asleep in another room.
This morning I got up early to play golf, and when I got back in the early afternoon she seemed to be okay. I was still upset and feeling like things would never get any better. I ended up asking her if we were going to be okay and she said "yes, I think we will" and she gave me a big hug. Tonight we had a bunch of people over to watch the OU-Colorado football game on TV which was a lot of fun. My 5-year old has a friend staying the night (always a big help when trying to rekindle some romance) so my wife is upstairs trying to get them, and our 2-year old, to sleep. Maybe she'll come downstairs and show me some sort of affection, and maybe she won't. I really don't know what to expect at this point.
Now, on one hand I'm glad to know that my wife doesn't have a desire problem, if that's really the case. But that raises a lot of other questions. Besides the times that the sex argument occurs, I'm pretty much a model husband. Sure, I have things that I need to improve upon, but I'm trying to do that and I really don't think she could ask for any better husband. So how can she hold so much resentment for me that I can go a month or more being a perfect (or near perfect) little angel, and yet she can't get over her resentment enough to make love to me, or for that matter even to just cuddle with me a little, especially if she truly doesn't have a desire problem. I'm just baffled by it all.
I'm hopeful that although we had a fairly bad argument, maybe we learned some things about each other that will help us to start making some progress. Time will tell I suppose.
But, guy, I'm telling you, this isn't about sex (or lack thereof), and confronting the problem as if it is about sex is only going to keep leading you in circles.
However, she has given you a critical clue. She is feeling 'anxious.' Now why is she feeling anxious. Generally speaking, anxiety is rooted in stress, worry, and fear.
So stress, worry and fear of what? It could be that she feels that once she gives you sex, you are only going to want it more. So she feels that giving it to you once is going to tame the beast for a night, maybe, but then the beast gets bigger, and wants sex more, and that will only lead to more arguments... (this is just a guess on my part based on my own experience, so I could be really off base here).
Ah. Now there is the crux. She feels that no matter what she tries, she is setting herself up for failure and further arguments because she does not truly understand what your needs mean to you. And because you don't seem to understand her anxiety, and you do in fact continue to have arguments about sex, she does not feel understood...
And the two of you have failed to communicate.
Rather than failing again, she'll avoid the whole thing altogether so she does not have to feel stressed, worried and fearful. Which in turn makes you nuts.
You said yourself you do not understand why she feels anxious, because to you, the answer is simple. But your answer for her anxiousness is not her answer... so she continues to feel misunderstood and frustrated.
The two of you are putting so much of your energy into making your point to the other that you have no energy left to understand the information that is coming your way.
Do you see now how this is a communication problem and not an issue of sex (even though I know that's what it feels like to you.) I know guy, you are so horny right now you just want to get laid and I really do understand that.
The crux, though, is that she could come to you tonight and the two of you could have the best sex on the planet, but you have only addressed a symptom, you have not fixed the underlying problem. Though you may be temporarily sated, this issue IS going to come up again. And again. And again, until the two of you decide to do the work necessary to understand your own and each other's needs.
Good to have you back Corri. Have I finally stumbled onto the meaning of life? Don't answer that - you're supposed to be taking a break from this stuff and getting some work done!