Just about done

[DnJ]

Yeah I'm keeping communication to a minimum, not antagonizing her as much as I can, I can see her becoming super vindictive and making things difficult. I am not in headspace yet to meet someone new and will likely only consider even minimum contact with someone new after the dust settles. I am big on faith and until it's dissolved I will stay true to myself. I don't want to give her any ammunition saying we're both with other people, I prefer to come out of with head held high. It's better to beat someone with values and morals than it is to be vengeful.

Good. Walk in the light. Take the high road.

Now, and I think you’ll be able to hear it, from my tag line:

Love the person, forgive the sin.

It is not about beating her; not with values or morals or anything. Live your values and morals, and find forgiveness. By the way, you aren’t forgiving her the person, you are forgiving the deeds, the transgressions against you. Finding the way to write paid in full upon whatever invoice your heart is holding. It’s a most worthy journey. One I believe you are upon.

D

[Catman19]

So I had a little of what you called a relapse. Went for a few days without contact.
Last night decided to find out the dude who she's with his full name. Found him on Instagram and saw a post with her arm wearing a piece of jewelry he gave her, it kind of triggered me because the last time she came to the house she was wearing it and I had asked her if it was the wristband he gave her. She said no but it clearly was as it was in the picture. I know I shouldn't have done this but again we do things emotionally counterintuitive to what logic dictates but our hearts lead us down the wrong path. I firstly did it to find out his full name in case I needed to get what we call a peace bond, which is similar to a restraining order. I warned her multiple times that he is not to step foot on this property until it is sold and closed upon, I have ample harassment from him directly to me from before as a measure to get such an order and have lawyer on retainer for these types of things. To me my home is the last sanctuary that I have remaining, and a lot of sweat and tears went into it, I want to leave it unsullied and free of any more potential hurt. Going through his instagram and seeing posts from him showing he was hurt during those 2 months she had returned to me really hit me where the heart was, everything started flooding back in. It made me remember her telling me during those 2 months that she doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore but looking back it seemed as though only the man she had known for 6 months was what she was referring to. It's really hard looking back and wondering how you could spend more than 2 decades with someone and it all was usurped by someone completely new and to be thrown aside as not much more than an afterthought.
None of this has dampened my push for the legal separation, followed by divorce and home sale.

All of this said despite me going out more and working on myself, I feel like I am just masking the internal pain and the mental breakdowns are still there, seeing everything I had worked so hard for all coming to an end all at the same time is by far becoming the hardest and most difficult aspect of all of this for me. My love for her has not waned but I have also tried not enabling her behaviour. I have seen my doctor to book a psychiatrist to hopefully get some medication for the anxiety and a general health check via blood test and a heart test.

Thank you everyone in this group for all the words of wisdom, I have learned a great deal from the short time I have been here. Next week my focus is going to be on hitting the gym to regain focus and improve my overall health both physical and mental. I have made a go of my crypto side business and am now earning the equivalent of market rent for an apartment so that's giving me something to work on. I wish the best of luck to many of the new members here, the road we travel is not an easy one but God gives us obstacles to test our faith and make us stronger.

[Catman19]

Has anyone had the WW spouse come to a realization during mediation process for legal separation of sale of house that they want to return to their marriage?
I'm pushing forward with the process, I've gotten bouts of jealousy from her end of a potential gf on my part even though that isn't the case, followed by asking where I am going when I told her to come pick up some of her things. Like it feels like the end is finally near, I haven't stopped my GAL process but it seems like she is not letting go of OM.
Like it still baffles me that she is in such a delusional state. Like the guy she is wjth his instagram he follows close to 700 people and 99 percent of them seem like either single girls or girls looking for attention. She's told me before that she's seen on his phone him asking girls for pictures, this BTW is how she met him. I feel like he's making a lot of false promises to her and brainwashing her to such a deep degree that she's blinding her to what type of dude he is.

Emotionally this part is so difficult and I'm having a really hard time realizing everything seems to be coming to an end and she is so enamored by him because he's a smooth talking player that she can't realize what she's losing. I really feel like she has to hit absolute rock bottom to come to that point, but I feel once the home is sold and separation complete that I won't have the mental energy to even entertain taking her back. I do not spend time with her nor see her in person because I cannot put myself through that knowing she's still with someone and it's only enabled her to continue. I feel like her recent jealousy still sees me as a possibility but I do not want this plan B feeling. If I had her come back and say I'm willing to work on things and do whatever it takes I might entertain it but definitely with Noone else in the picture, but I feel her fear of being alone is pushing her towards him likely with a lot of encouragement from him.

[JosephS]

She’s upset because she’s losing her plan B. It really is that simple unfortunately.

If you aren’t ready for the divorce than don’t do it. There’s absolutely nothing saying you have to force one through and if you are doing trying to wake her up I don’t think I’ve seen it work once in the going on 4 years I’ve been here but that’s not to say it won’t but the odds aren’t exactly in your favor.

So you say she doesn’t realize what’s she’s losing. I’d encourage you to look within and see what needs to change on your end. She’s your wife and obviously knows you better than anyone or at least should and right now she’s not seeing it as you describe it. I’d encourage you to look at the marriage prior to B/D and have an honest conversation with yourself on where you could do better. I did that and it’s made a world of difference in my second marriage.

[Catman19]

Yeah I'm doing the separation to protect my financial standing as I don't want her racking up debt as she's in complete delusion mode and finances to her are meaningless. Legal separation is usually followed by divorce, I am not doing it to push her to do anything I just can't tolerate the yo yo back and forth showing me affection while acting as if the other man isn't in the picture. I've wasted a year and 2 months digging endlessly for any hope. When we were together the last couple of years ivf was a major issue. That's completely done and gone, she would fight with me endlessly towards the end and I'd get defensive but a lot of that was because she was getting attention elsewhere, she reached out to female friends who are married saying she was having a hard time turning 40 so a lot of this is driven by a perfect combination of pressures. That along with 2 new jobs that introduced her to 2 affair partners and new work colleagues who are either single and promiscuous or divorced cheaters. Ilthe last year we were together I busted my ass planning everything for us. I have worked on all my flaws especially the drinking and the anxiety I have worked on a lot. My anxiety at the end was largely driven by her unwillingness to be grateful for the life we had and feeling of insecurity/low self esteem. I have no doubt I will be fine when this is all done, I'm not so sure about her, despite everything I have not let my emotions guide me as I am a thoughtful and measured person but she's all over the place right now, I can only imagine if she sees me with someone, it will break her likely based on how she's spoken to me or been ultra jealous since last January. I feel like if I don't push for the divorce I will not be able to live a proper life and I feel she needs to learn this lesson on her own, the dude has such a hold over her thinking and from what I've seen he's definitely using her, he's giving up nothing to be with her and she's probably a payday for him. Dude works as a mover, I saw an ad of him posting classifieds, he was asking for young girls to work clean. Who asks for young girls, older cleaners are better. He's the ultimate pig but she's going to have to learn this by herself. And I'm going to have to move on.

[JosephS]

If I may ask, what’s changed in a week? You came here a week ago looking to save the marriage and now are fully accepting you’re getting a divorce.

You’ve only wasted the time if you don’t learn and grow from it.

You’re too focused on her and what her reactions will be to the divorce or seeing you with another woman.

You also just made and excuses and blamed her for your faults. (Anxiety/insecurity)

I’m not saying you’re wrong and she’s blameless and I’m not saying she’s justified in her behavior in any way shape or form.

Divorce busting is about working on yourself and saving yourself and the side effect to that is potentially saving your marriage. Even if you accepted you can’t be with her anymore, there is still work to do.

[Catman19]

Thank you for your thoughts Joseph, while I did have hopes of saving the marriage, that squarely hinged on her putting in the effort and humbling herself, and of course without OM in the picture. I have worked on myself as much as I could, just waiting for some more outdoor activities to add to my routine, getting together with people as well. I still need cooperation from her in this process, be it agreeing on home sale price and mediation, she is of the type of person that needs to feel a loss to understand what she is doing and I have a strong feeling that will likely show up in the upcoming weeks. I had anxiety issues before I met her, but she exacerbated it with the emotional and mental abuse during the affairs, I'm generally a calm person and my anxiety only really is an issue when I'm being mistreated. As we have been together 22 years it's still not an easy process and is very difficult to let go but at the same time I have not forced the issue because although I still have slim hopes, I'm not seeing anything from her that would tell me to stop the process. I have a pretty clear road map of where my life is headed after divorce, be it financially, career wise and where I chose to restart my life location wise. My focus is not lost.

Whatever hopes I have/had of saving the marriage are dwindling by the day. If i don't move forward with what I have to do I will be wasting my own time and I've pretty much exhausted all other options already

Sorry if my grammar [censored] but the insecurity was an issue she was having, I know my worth and what I have to offer
I'm surrounded by cheaters so I know loyalty/integrity is something I will take pride in. She was insecure in her looks and needing to get endless attention to make herself feel good. My anxiety with her tended to be a bit driven by this insecurity and low self esteem as no matter what I did it was never adequate and I'd be told regularly during affairs that if she didn't get enough attention from me she'd get it elsewhere even though I gave all I could.

And in terms of her reactions to me, be it the jealousy or saying she's noticed I've moved on, a lot of that is due to the changes I've made for myself. I'm super healthy now and am living life for myself. It just feels like she's gonna wait for everything to be finalized to actually put in the work herself which she hasn't at all

[Catman19]

So I opened up instagram on my desktop, I usually use my phone, I didn't realize her login info was saved.
Of course I probably shouldn't have done this but I logged in and saw their communication over a period of 2-3 months. It gave me the perspective of what someone going through a crisis looks like. She had way more fights with him than she did with me towards end. She was having the same problems she complained about with our relationship, lack of passion compared to beginning, feeling like he's distant from her, her having the same pattern of fighting then wanting to be intimate. Her saying he's not the same as when they first met, a lot of this type of stuff. Basically she was already getting bored of not having the rush of a new relationship, him using his daughter as a way to manipulate her. Much of what I already assumed. It actually made it hard for me to because it felt like she is completely broken, also a lot of the fights coincided with her being nice and affectionate to me. It also reinforced to me that it was absolutely nothing that I did wrong and this is an issue deep inside of her. I have abstrong feeling that if and when this one ends she's just gonna try and reach for the high of a new relationship. It's hard to know that she's surrounded by enablers instead of people pointing her in the right path

This however hasn't changed my goals and drive to make myself the best I can be, hitting the gym a lot harder and have a six pack for the first time in my life, socializing more, keeping myself busy.
I just have a very strong feeling she's going to hit rock bottom at this rate
Frankly I'm amazed at how long we even lasted together considering how quickly she went in love head over heels with him and now he's already tired of her fighting with him and playing games.

It was an amazing eye opening look into the mind of someone so deeply lost.

[Ready2Change]

SI have abstrong feeling that if and when this one ends she's just gonna try and reach for the high of a new relationship...This however hasn't changed my goals and drive to make myself the best I can be, hitting the gym a lot harder and have a six pack for the first time in my life, socializing more, keeping myself busy.

So with all your new behaviors and skills, can you give her this feeling? If not, it is worth learning these skills.

[Catman19]

I don't think I could give her this feeling ATM tbh, she still seems to be in a withdrawal type mode and until recently she was sending soulmate posts to him, she's still ironically in the mode where she thinks soul mates should fight for each other and not give up. So I don't want to give her any emotional or sexual vibes because she stills sees the so called problems we had. She actually came over last night to drop off our cats and she offered to help me clean the house on Sunday to prepare it for listing the following week, I did not ask her and she offered willingly. I do not want to give off the vibe that I still want her, I want her to chase me and to show her what type of man she is losing. I was calm throughout our brief conversation and she noticed my demeanor and physical appearance. She cried to me about everything and reiterated she never meant to hurt me. She said the most hurtful thing was me telling her a few days before that I don't think we should remain friends after this, as I had told her she has someone now to confide in and I don't want to be in this picture. She replied by saying she's not with anyone and that they don't talk anymore, although from the messages while it seems they broke up last last year, her messages still show she's still in communication. I'm focusing on myself but by doing so, I'm showing her the best side of me and what she's possibly losing.
I'm still in the mindset that if anything was to ever happen, I would need her to show she has really changed, I'm not getting that sense yet. But I feel mediation which starts tomorrow needs to proceed as well as house. Divorce is more final and permanent but that is only after legal separation. I feel like our home has lost any significance to our lives and it's likely best to rid ourselves of it. I'm carrying on with the plan as I see is best for me but I am not waiting or expecting anything from her part of things, as she still brought up things she found gave her excuses to seek out other men. I have none of that, I acknowledge I wasn't perfect and it was a hard year but I think she needs to continue seeing what she's losing and the best version of me is what I want her to see.