Happy Birthday! Sounds like you need a Tomahawk steak or a nice ribeye. Savor every minute of your birthday and dining experience. Cheers to many more!
1. W betrayed my trust and recruited others to lie, I won't be with someone who does that. 2. W is a 37 year old mother of 3 who stays out at bars until 2am, not who I will be with. 3. W prioritizes drinking over kids and has become neglectful as a mother, not fair to kids.
When having the conversation:
1. Be congruent at all times 2. Do not let your emotions control you, especially when she tries to draw them out. 3. Key replies: "It's not that simple" and "I'll think about that and let you know." ***
D is not the solution to your problems. It might be part of your boundaries. Your beliefs, thoughts and behavior need changes. I say this without including any info from your previous posts.
I can't help her change. You are the only one I may be able to influence. The way you interact with her is the only thing that may make a difference.
She needs someone "stronger" than her to lead her through whatever she is going through. It is up to you to figure out how to do this. It will be one of the hardest things you will ever do.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I'm listening R2C. I did see that post, and I watched several of his videos more than once.
I recognize D will not solve the issues within myself that I've been working on.
I don't want D, but there comes a point when you have to do something even if you don't want to.
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
She needs someone "stronger" than her to lead her through whatever she is going through
I agreed with this right up until the point she confessed to infidelity. For 2 years her behavior was wayward and I worked on being the oak and learning about leading in relationship. She would often say "you're the rock and I'm the balloon". But finding out about the PA and the lying, and observing her behavior for the last 5 months, I don't believe she is interested in change.
I will say it again D when you want to D. When nothing she says can change your mind. 40 is very young in these situations. You have plenty of time to make all the changes you need to make, spend quality time with your young kids. You said your M is low conflict so living together shouldn’t be an issue. Let’s face it as a stay at home mom your W is going to take you to the cleaners in the settlement.
I know women like your W and it’s highly unlikely she is going to change her mind without significant time and space to understand what she really gave up. I like R2Cs advice for new relationships but this advice doesn’t work on WWs.
I am sorry but there is no easy way out of this mess.
These boards provide a lot of value to me because of what is discussed, but it's useless if I don't put it into action. And I'd be wasting your time.
I've been in a stalemate with my W for nearly half a year. I know 40 is young, but if I spend 5, 7, 10 years making changes and W doesn't budge, and my kids spend those years witnessing an unhealthy marriage, that is bad for them. And it's bad for me.
I know that 5 months is a blink in the DB process. But that is long enough for me.
The thought exercise I go through it this.
Stay w W: My kids are adults and look back on their childhood. What they see is a nice life on the surface: we live in a nice neighborhood on a quiet street, take nice vacations, and spend time with family and friends. But Mom and Dad don't spend a lot of time together. Mom drinks a lot and the kids spend most of the time adventuring with Dad while Mom stays home. She sleeps on the couch a lot and when they come out for morning cartoons on weekends she's there in all her clothes form the night before. Dad tried to shield them from mom's drinking but he also seemed to put up with it to a certain extent. The older they get the more they notice that Mom is drunk a lot. They question why Dad put up with this crap for years.
Divorce: My kids are adults and look back on their childhood. Their parents divorced when they were 8, 6, and 5. It was very traumatic because they didn't see it coming, but looking back the older kids knew mom had an alcohol problem. They had to sell that really cool house with a pool and a diving board and moved to a smaller, less nice neighborhood nearby, though still perfectly safe and respectable. Time was split 50/50 between mom and dad's houses and they began to spend more time with their grandparents. Dad stepped up in a major way and was very involved in sports, school, and all the extracurriculars. They didn't have the budget for ski trips for a while but still went camping and had a good childhood. After a while Dad became involved with a new woman and showed them what a healthy relationship looks like. What would happen with their Mom, I can't say.
Mom will probably continue to drink and stay out all night bringing random dudes home to the house. Kids will start to complain about the back and forth between two houses. Statistically your children will be more likely to divorce in the future.
What you described above was my parent’s marriage and I had nothing but great childhood memories.
Again I’m not telling you not to divorce. I’m telling you to divorce when you are ready and want to divorce.
Lastly you are painting yourself as the prince in your scenarios when we both know it takes two people to create an unhappy marriage.
Just some words from me. Like my 2 cents. Or maybe 4. The odd post has been known to get long. At any rate, I’d be remiss to not speak up and I respect you too much to let that happen.
Alcoholism is a disease. Alcoholics are suffering from a progressive, and sadly, often fatal disease.
Realize it’s not a matter of morality. Near 100% of alcoholics know right from wrong. And if knowing the difference between right and wrong could solve their problem, then they would have been “cured” ages ago.
Their need for a drink is beyond their ability to control. It would be like telling someone with diabetes to just try harder at not having diabetes. It doesn’t make sense and they wouldn’t be able to do it no matter how hard they tried.
Alcoholics feel a lot of shame and being lost. And most talks about their problem come at things from a poor angle which has little chance of success.
Resentment, fear, anger, jealousy, denial, dishonesty, and codependency - are just a few of the hallmarks of alcoholism. Alcoholism is contagious. No, you don’t catch it. Alcoholism, the disease, will absorb everything and everyone around it. And it can take you down too. You build up resentment, anger, fear, and such.
Family and friends begin to interact with the alcoholic in the same way the alcoholic interacts with booze. And just like the alcoholic is powerless over alcohol, the family is powerless over the disease of alcoholism in their loved one. The addiction for the family becomes trying to control or save the alcoholic.
Alcoholism is not rational. You cannot rationalize with it, and you cannot change it.
Yet, you are not without options and perhaps influence. Knowledge, learning of the disease and how better to interact with the alcoholic. Reaching out to support groups, as a family member. Having professional intervention, a trained qualified third party talk to W. (Sometimes that outside push from a non family member, from someone who has walk a mile in her shoes, starts the change within her.) Offer to drive, and hopefully actually drive, W to and from her meetings or appointments or whatever positive counselling she is attending. And such.
Quote
I don't want D. but There comes a point when you have to do something even if you don't want to.
It’s a hard road. (((Hugs)))
Much respect to you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
Just some words from me.....Having professional intervention, a trained qualified third party talk to W. (Sometimes that outside push from a non family member, from someone who has walk a mile in her shoes, starts the change within her.).....
It’s a hard road. (((Hugs)))
Much respect to you.
I am glad DNJ posted his thoughts. He articulated my thoughts way better than I could have hoped for.
There is some tough love needed. Love the person, hate the behavior.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
